Published on April 19, 2015
We have finally reached the season two finale, We Have Manners. We're Polite. It's been a long road. I've taken forever to write these. So, to any and all who read, many thanks for enduring. Your reward: another recap. Yeah, sorry about that. Here we go!
The episode begins with two serious-looking men arriving at Litchfield to begin investigating the recent spate of violence that has overtaken LCF, specifically the slocking of Red that took place at the end of the last episode: 2.12: It Was the Change. No one has said she's dead, so that's a good sign. In the warehouse, Black Cindy and Watson are discussing what they're going to say to the investigators. Black Cindy's proposed speech: "I didn't see shit, 'cause I didn't see shit." She'd be my star witness. Watson tries
The episode begins with two serious-looking men arriving at Litchfield to begin investigating the recent spate of violence that has overtaken LCF, specifically the slocking of Red that took place at the end of the last episode: 2.12: It Was the Change. No one has said she's dead, so that's a good sign. In the warehouse, Black Cindy and Watson are discussing what they're going to say to the investigators. Black Cindy's proposed speech: "I didn't see shit, 'cause I didn't see shit." She'd be my star witness. Watson tries
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to get her to admit that she knows who was really behind it, but before they can continue their conversation, from behind, Vee slams a shovel down loudly. Then with a smile on her face and in a joking tone, she inquires, "Is there something you want to ask me?" Smartly, the women do not take her up on the offer, so, Vee proudly says, "Shit, I'm gonna answer anyway. Yes." Well, that was easy.
Watson assures Vee that they won't tell the investigators anything, but Vee informs her, "Yes, you are, sweetheart. You are going to say...'You know that Warren girl is unstable? She has a history of violence, a melodramatic notion of loyalty, but please go easy on her because, you know what, even a double cray need a little bit of help.'" *GASP OF HORROR* Just when you think Vee couldn't be a bigger piece of shit, she does the unthinkable - throws Suzanne under the attempted murder bus. Even Black Cindy says, "I know she's Fruity Pebbles, but, man, that's cold." Vee doesn't waver, ordering, "You've got your script. Follow it. 'Cause there are always more socks, baby girl. Always more locks." Mmhmm, so....Vee is the antichrist and...uh, yeah, she's basically Larry Bloom to the Larry Bloomth degree - aka the WORST. Meanwhile, the two cops looking into Red's slocking begin their interviews with none other than Lorna Morello. Right away, Morello |
If you're going to try to kill someone, a bomb is really the only respectable way of doing it. Locks in a stinky sock? Not classy
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points the finger to Vee, or as she calls her - a "bad seed." She elaborates, "You can feel it when you're around her, her bad seediness. She is the one that made things hardcore. I mean, it's not like prison was summer camp, but we all sort of got along. At least, nobody was trying to kill each other. Now it's like Serbo-Croatia up in here." Do we not all remember Pennsatucky trying to murder Piper last year in the finale? Anyone? Admittedly, the Pennsatucky-Piper feud was much smaller in scale than the reign of terror that Vee has inflicted on LCF, but still, let's not pretend we had a peaceful setting prior to Vee. Also, note to self: Start using the phrase "It's like Serbo-Crotia up in here" on a daily basis.
Next up is a much more hostile witness: Nicky Nichols. Arms crossed and animosity out on display, Nichols has zero patience for this investigation. Upset over Red's attack, Nichols chastises, "Hey, look, just do your job and find the asshole who did it, okay? All right, you'd know this by now if you were any good at your job. It was Vee...Parker, for your official purposes." After Nicky comes Maritza, who tells them, "I think it's the Black one. I don't know. The one with the hair." Ah...the one with the hair. Thank you, Maritza, for all of the nothing you just gave us. Next up is Flaca who unfortunately points the finger at Suzanne ("She already be, like, throwing pie all the time."), while Rosa uses her time in front of the officials to comment on Vee - "Rude. That Vee, she's a very rude person."
Next up is a much more hostile witness: Nicky Nichols. Arms crossed and animosity out on display, Nichols has zero patience for this investigation. Upset over Red's attack, Nichols chastises, "Hey, look, just do your job and find the asshole who did it, okay? All right, you'd know this by now if you were any good at your job. It was Vee...Parker, for your official purposes." After Nicky comes Maritza, who tells them, "I think it's the Black one. I don't know. The one with the hair." Ah...the one with the hair. Thank you, Maritza, for all of the nothing you just gave us. Next up is Flaca who unfortunately points the finger at Suzanne ("She already be, like, throwing pie all the time."), while Rosa uses her time in front of the officials to comment on Vee - "Rude. That Vee, she's a very rude person."
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Then comes the moment of truth for Vee's cronies, Black Cindy and Watson. Refusing to look the detectives straight in the eye and in a monotone voice, Black Cindy states, "It was Crazy Eyes." BLACK CINDY, NO! In your own words, "Man, that's cold!" Watson continues this parade of dishonor, by naming her: "Suzanne Warren." When asked if she is sure, she unhappily answers, "Positive." Ladies, you know what, I'm going to give you the classic parent line right now: "I'm not even mad. I'm just disappointed." Go stand in the Box of Shame where you belong. Changing scenery for a moment, we get hit with déjà vu as Caputo strolls in to SHU, where office-breaker-in-er, Piper Chapman, lies on her bed. Thankfully, though, this time there are no food paintings adorning her wall. Holding the files Piper stole from Fig's office, Caputo's curiosity has gotten the better of him: "There's a year's worth of invoices in here. Someone |
building a case? 'Cause I got a pretty good idea where you're going with this...but I'd like some details." Piper references an early kindness she received from Caputo and tells him, "You're a good person...and Miss Figueroa...she isn't."
After some further meandering responses from Piper, Caputo finally yells at her in frustration, "Get to the fucking point!" He demands to know exactly what Piper was planning. Her response: "I can explain to you everything that is in that folder. I will give you all of the ammunition you need, I promise. I will tell you everything...if you stop my transfer." That's my girl. The screen cuts away before we get Caputo's answer, but from the smug look on his face, I believe we've got a deal. Woohoo, Chapman stays! And presumably the others? Yes, please.
Moments later, Piper is out of SHU and sitting atop a bed, catching up with Nichols. Getting right to the hard-hitting topics, Nichols inquires, "Look, please tell me that Fig keeps a vibrator in her desk, 'cause I have this crystal-clear image in my head of her there, feet up, high heels knocking over the pen cup while she just goes to town on her clit with a pocket rocket." Well, I didn't really need that visual, but, thanks anyway. Piper disappoints Nichols with the truth, but ends by revealing, "Good news, though. Caputo canceled my transfer." Nichols replies, "Ah! Whoopie. You get to stay here...in Hell. Hey, maybe you'll get slocked to death by a psychotic heroin dealer." It's just sunshine and rainbows with Nichols, nowadays.
After some further meandering responses from Piper, Caputo finally yells at her in frustration, "Get to the fucking point!" He demands to know exactly what Piper was planning. Her response: "I can explain to you everything that is in that folder. I will give you all of the ammunition you need, I promise. I will tell you everything...if you stop my transfer." That's my girl. The screen cuts away before we get Caputo's answer, but from the smug look on his face, I believe we've got a deal. Woohoo, Chapman stays! And presumably the others? Yes, please.
Moments later, Piper is out of SHU and sitting atop a bed, catching up with Nichols. Getting right to the hard-hitting topics, Nichols inquires, "Look, please tell me that Fig keeps a vibrator in her desk, 'cause I have this crystal-clear image in my head of her there, feet up, high heels knocking over the pen cup while she just goes to town on her clit with a pocket rocket." Well, I didn't really need that visual, but, thanks anyway. Piper disappoints Nichols with the truth, but ends by revealing, "Good news, though. Caputo canceled my transfer." Nichols replies, "Ah! Whoopie. You get to stay here...in Hell. Hey, maybe you'll get slocked to death by a psychotic heroin dealer." It's just sunshine and rainbows with Nichols, nowadays.
You're so self-involved! All you care about is yourself and your twisted romance with Alex!
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I know, right? We make a pretty cute couple?
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Oh, God almighty...
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Piper asks about Red's condition, but Nichols only answers, "Alive. It's all I know. And that's a fucking miracle, you know. Not a ton of news coming out the medical unit, so..." She seems unusually on edge right now, with her voice shaking and tears constantly threatening to fall. "You know, maybe you should ask for your transfer back. Just get the fuck out of here." Piper: "It's better than the alternative. I can't lose any more people, Nicky...Alex is coming to visit me." Shaking her head, Nichols replies, "Jesus, Chapman, you need to figure out what the fuck you want. You know, 'cause if it really is to stay here in this shithole, so you can get occasional visits from your demented girlfriend, I mean, then, man, it sounds like you're living the dream." Hmmm, so, it appears Nichols is driving the Cold Hard Truths bus today. "But if you want my advice, then get out of your own goddamn drama for a minute, you know? And, maybe spend some of that energy praying that your roommate makes it out of medical with all her brain cells intact."
Piper apologizes, but Nicky rebuffs her: "No, don't worry. I get it. It's not the same for you." Piper asserts that she cares about Red, too, but Nicky has a response for that as well: "Okay, but she's not your mom. It's different when you're family." With that, Nichols walks off, and Piper is left alone in her bunk. Ah, friendship.
Piper apologizes, but Nicky rebuffs her: "No, don't worry. I get it. It's not the same for you." Piper asserts that she cares about Red, too, but Nicky has a response for that as well: "Okay, but she's not your mom. It's different when you're family." With that, Nichols walks off, and Piper is left alone in her bunk. Ah, friendship.
Is that a banana in your pocket are you just excited to see me?
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Banana!
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Oh...
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At lunchtime, for the first time in a long while, Taystee takes a seat next to Poussey, resulting in the latter to give a hesitant smile. Awww...it's happening. Poussey begins, "Listen, T..." "Stop," interrupts Taystee. "Can we please not have a whole talk about our feelings and what happened and, like, status because I never learned that and...and it really makes me, like, wanna jump out of my skin so...can we just sit here and be cool now?" Clearly, Taystee has not an ounce of the gay in her, as she is refusing to participate in the necessary lesbian ritual of processing. Poussey counters with, "Well, maybe just a little talk? I mean...Look, what if Amanda talked about it...right? Like her fucked up relationship with Mumsy and how hard that made things with Mackenzie when they took that cruise to Spain and shit. Could you do it like that?" Man, she is desperate for some processing. Harkening back to the good ole Vee-less days of yore, Taystee obliges in the voice of Mackenzie, and suddenly, it is as if things are starting to return to normal. Thank the gods!