Over in another wing of LCF, the investigators inform Suzanne that she is going to be transferred to another facility to await trial on whatever charge she is being arraigned on for Red's attack. When Agent Spiner thanks her for her "cooperation" in the investigation, an increasingly erratic Suzanne sings, "Oh! We say 'thank you.' We say 'please.' And 'excuse me' when we sneeze. That's the way we do what's right. We have manners. We're polite!" Was that as hilariously bizarre to everyone else as that was to me? I don't know what the fuck that was, but I know enjoyed it. (After some googling, I discovered that this is a pre-school song that some children grow up with. I have never heard it before, so, this was particularly off the wall to me.)
After this little show, the investigators give each other a look like "What the hell is going on right now?" and decide to leave as their job is done. While they grab their jackets, Suzanne begins another speech to no one in particular, saying, "Thank you very much.
After this little show, the investigators give each other a look like "What the hell is going on right now?" and decide to leave as their job is done. While they grab their jackets, Suzanne begins another speech to no one in particular, saying, "Thank you very much.
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Thank you very much. No, thank you very much. No, thank you very much. Thank you very, very much. Thank you very much..." Uh, I'll be honest. If you're on Team Suzanne is a Sane Person, you lost a lot of points today. I'm not saying you're guaranteed to lose, but...I mean, yeah, you're gonna lose.
Once the investigators make their way into the hallway, they are immediately accosted by Black Cindy and Watson, who desperately try to convince the investigators that they gave false testimony and that Vee is the real person behind Red's attack. Poussey and Taystee come along for support, but they all hit a brick wall. Agent Blau gives them a polite, "Ladies, I'm sorry. We're done for the day," and tries to get them to leave. The women, becoming desperate, only yell louder, but the agents look equally desperate to leave, when suddenly, we hear, "Hold up. Hold up." From behind the agents appears Officer Healy, and instead of making everything twenty times worse like he did last season, he brings a "Get Out of Jail Free" card for Suzanne: "I have a work order here. There's no way Warren could've done it. She was in electrical. You gotta let her go. Case is still open." Toot the horns! Bang the drums! Healy has saved |
Agents: Oh no! Black people! What shall we do?!
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the day!!! Aw, Healy, I know I said you were an unforgivable monster last year, but...man, you might be going back on the ole' Christmas card list this year. Woohoo!
Next, we see the worst couple ever, Polly and Larry, parking in NYC, when Larry's cell phone announces that he has a call from an inmate from LCF. He asks Polly whether they should take it, clearly hoping she says no, but fortunately, she reminds him, "It's Piper...we have to." At least, someone has a modicum of decency. Larry picks up and when Piper is told that she's got both Larry and Polly listening, she says in an upbeat tone, "Listen, do you want to make it up to me? I need a favor. And Larry, if you're not willing to do this...then Polly, I'm asking you." Polly asks her to continue, and Piper says, "There's a probation officer and his name is David Crockett. Just like Davy Crockett." OH BOY. "He probably works for the federal division of the Queens County probation office. I'm sure that you can find the bureau online. I need you to call him and tell him that Alex Vause is violating her probation and that she is on her way out of town." Piper Elizabeth Chapman, what are you doing?!?!
Like the jackass that he is, Larry asks, "And the purpose of this is what?" Disgusted by his response, Piper points out, "Larry, I am giving you the opportunity to fuck over someone that you hate." Per usual, we get another horrid response from him: "And why would
Next, we see the worst couple ever, Polly and Larry, parking in NYC, when Larry's cell phone announces that he has a call from an inmate from LCF. He asks Polly whether they should take it, clearly hoping she says no, but fortunately, she reminds him, "It's Piper...we have to." At least, someone has a modicum of decency. Larry picks up and when Piper is told that she's got both Larry and Polly listening, she says in an upbeat tone, "Listen, do you want to make it up to me? I need a favor. And Larry, if you're not willing to do this...then Polly, I'm asking you." Polly asks her to continue, and Piper says, "There's a probation officer and his name is David Crockett. Just like Davy Crockett." OH BOY. "He probably works for the federal division of the Queens County probation office. I'm sure that you can find the bureau online. I need you to call him and tell him that Alex Vause is violating her probation and that she is on her way out of town." Piper Elizabeth Chapman, what are you doing?!?!
Like the jackass that he is, Larry asks, "And the purpose of this is what?" Disgusted by his response, Piper points out, "Larry, I am giving you the opportunity to fuck over someone that you hate." Per usual, we get another horrid response from him: "And why would
I swear to God, if you cockblock me, Larry, I will make you regret the pitiful day you were born!
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I do that? So, she lands back in there with you?" Deciding to remove the idiot from the equation, Piper ignores his question and merely asks, "Polly?" Larry turns to his sig-fig with a look of "You're not going to do this for her, right?" After meeting Larry's eyes for a moment and then looking away in hesitation, Polly finally questions, "What's the office called again?" Oh, Polly, bless you! You've condemned yourself to a life of horror and shattered dreams with Mr. Bloom, but, at least, your loyalty to your former best friends persists.
That being said, oh, Piper...you're playing a dangerous game. It's as if you and Alex don't know how to be in a healthy, non-dysfunctional relationship. Eh....viva la Vauseman! Immediately after, Healy and the SIS agents are stalking the hallways, looking for Vee. They go to her bunk, but find the area empty. No one else seems to know where she is, and before we can contemplate this for too long, the scene cuts to the greenhouse, where Frieda discovers the secret tunnel to the outside is open and uncovered. The conclusion is not too hard to reach: Vee has shawshanked her way out of LCF. She pops out of the other end of the tunnel, which is in the middle of a forest, and |
starts her run to freedom. Damn it! Will that witch ever receive justice?! Apparently not.
Back inside the prison, Nichols and Big Boo walk in to the laundry room to retrieve Vee's stolen goods. Ahhhhh, they are the culprits. That makes sense. Hidden in an air vent, Nichols pulls the grate off of it and immediately starts pulling out the stash, ordering, "Start stuffing these down your pants and head back to the warehouse. I'll grab Caputo. We lead him to it and we nail the bitch." Not a terrible idea. Risky, but not terrible. Big Boo balks at this, telling her there's no way she's dumb enough to carry drugs on her in the prison. Nichols' response: "Come on, you're already bulky. No one's gonna notice." Wow, Nichols, you really know how to sweet-talk a girl.
Bringing up a good question, Big Boo questions, "What if Caputo doesn't believe that this is Vee's? I mean, what if he thinks it's
Back inside the prison, Nichols and Big Boo walk in to the laundry room to retrieve Vee's stolen goods. Ahhhhh, they are the culprits. That makes sense. Hidden in an air vent, Nichols pulls the grate off of it and immediately starts pulling out the stash, ordering, "Start stuffing these down your pants and head back to the warehouse. I'll grab Caputo. We lead him to it and we nail the bitch." Not a terrible idea. Risky, but not terrible. Big Boo balks at this, telling her there's no way she's dumb enough to carry drugs on her in the prison. Nichols' response: "Come on, you're already bulky. No one's gonna notice." Wow, Nichols, you really know how to sweet-talk a girl.
Bringing up a good question, Big Boo questions, "What if Caputo doesn't believe that this is Vee's? I mean, what if he thinks it's
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ours?" After a look of uncertainty from Nichols, she suggests, "Maybe we should keep it?" Uh, no. Drug-free is the way to be! And even if you're not going to use them personally, I would advise not risking a much longer prison sentence! What is wrong with you?! Before Nichols answers, an alarm goes off, and the two women hit the deck, as LCF is officially in lockdown while they try to hunt down Vee. When an officer releases them to return to their bunks, Big Boo gets up quickly, but turns to find Nichols still on the ground, her eyes staring into the grate, fixated on the heroin sitting inside. Ohhhh great! Nichols is about to start down a path of heroin again, huh? How fun! Please refer to the face to the right.
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My reaction to Nichols falling off the wagon
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After this foreshadowing of dark times to come, the scene cuts to Alex residing quietly in her apartment, while reading a novel on the sofa. How domestic...how very unlike Alex Vause. A knock on the door interrupts her afternoon of solitude, and she quietly gets up and scopes out the front door suspiciously, trying to assess the threat level of this knock. Whoever is on the other side starts to mess with the lock on the door, causing Alex to rush back to her living room and retrieve a handgun. This is not going to end well... She returns to the hallway, cocks the gun, and points it towards the door. On the verge of tears, she looks terrified and desperate to not have to shoot someone. When the door finally busts open, Alex screams, "Don't take another step!"
Howdy ho, neighbor!
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DIE MOTHAFUCKA!!!!!
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AHH, sweet mother of mercy!!!
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I was just inviting you to the neighborhood potluck...
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Who is the person breaking into her home? That clueless Mr. Recyclables we met back in episode 2.11: Take a Break From Your Values. Seeing it's not the hired killers from Kubra that see expected, Alex reacts in relieved anger: "What...the fuck?! Can I help you?!" The guys starts stammering out a response, and when Alex continues to berate him for coming inside her place, he finally spits out, Yeah, I knew that...usually, but...he asked me to." Behind appears the King of the Wild Frontier himself, David Crockett. Upon seeing his face, Alex futilely hides the gun behind her waist and gives the Puss in Boots' "Kitty Eyes" to Mr. Crockett. Somehow, I'm guessing that's not gonna work. Oh Piper, the things you do for love...