From behind the Poussey and Taystee reunion sits Vee, watching unhappily and unaware of the impending attack. Said attack consists of Nichols and Morello, with Nichols opening with, "You're an animal...and your little electroslock therapy? You're not fooling anyone." Completely unbothered by this, Vee calmly turns around and says, "Please tell my old friend, Red, that I hope she feels better." Damn, she is cold as ice! Morello steps in at this point: "Some flipping friend you are." When Black Cindy and Watson join Vee at the table, Nichols turns her attention to them: "What's the matter with you people?" Uh oh. I would not have used the phrase "you people."
Black Cindy: "'You people'? You mean Black people?" Nichols: "I mean, blind people. All right? Blindly following a fucking psychopath!" Psst...Nicky, I would maybe tone down my verbal fury as it does nothing to help Red or hurt Vee, and all it does is put you more in Vee's sights. Pull it together! Like a mother chastising her children, Vee suggests in a honeyed voice, "All right, little
Black Cindy: "'You people'? You mean Black people?" Nichols: "I mean, blind people. All right? Blindly following a fucking psychopath!" Psst...Nicky, I would maybe tone down my verbal fury as it does nothing to help Red or hurt Vee, and all it does is put you more in Vee's sights. Pull it together! Like a mother chastising her children, Vee suggests in a honeyed voice, "All right, little
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ones. Now, if you're done with your accusations and your name-calling, we'd all like to finish our meal in peace." Leaning in towards Vee, Morello responds, "May you never have a minute of peace." Personally, I would have just said a terse "Fuck you," but I guess "May you never have a minute of peace" works, too. With this, Vee casually gets up and leaves the cafeteria, seemingly without a care in the world.
Once Vee has left, Black Cindy and Watson look for another place to sit, and they find one across from Poussey and Taystee. While they allow them to sit, Poussey and Taystee are not going to ignore the elephant in the room. As soon as their butts hit the bench, Poussey starts, "I mean, ya'll know she done it. You don't think she won't go after your ass one day? You make her mad...look at her wrong...whatever?" Watson tells her, "Look, business is good, and I ain't rocking the boat." Black Cindy asks that everyone just get along, regardless of Vee, but Poussey refuses, abruptly picking up her tray and ending lunch. Taystee stays just to warn them, "Don't feel bad if you don't see it yet. Took me damn near 15 years. I just hope you all wise up before it's too late." She then gets up and follows Poussey out, |
leaving Black Cindy and Watson alone at their own table with the standard prizes for being Vee's friend - feelings of sadness and confusion. As Taystee advised, wise up ladies!
Elsewhere in LCF are three inmates, two of whom I have not had the pleasure/misfortune to discuss much this season: Sophia and Pennsatucky. Apparently, Pennsatucky's continued orientation into "The Gays" is in the makeover stage, and who better to assist than Sophia herself? I can't think of anyone better. With Pennsatucky in the hairdressing chair, Sophia suggests, "Now, I'm thinking a nice Emma Watson pixie'll be cute, though." Pennsatucky has her own ideas - a Victoria Beckham-like trim, but the other person in the room, Big Boo, puts the kibosh on this: "Sorry, shortcake, above the ears or it doesn't count." It's hard to be gay. So many rules.
Outside the salon, the three women hear a noise and turn their head to see a sad-looking Healy peering in with disappointment. Pennsatucky offers a polite, "Hey," but Mr. Healy walks away after telling them that Safe Place has been cancelled. Pennsatucky yells after him, but to no avail, resulting in Big Boo teasing, "Awww, is your boyfriend hurt?" Annoyed by the childishness of it all, Pennsatucky turns to look at Big Boo and chastises, "Don't do that." Man, Boo, when Pennsatucky is telling you to grow up, you've hit rock bottom.
Elsewhere in LCF are three inmates, two of whom I have not had the pleasure/misfortune to discuss much this season: Sophia and Pennsatucky. Apparently, Pennsatucky's continued orientation into "The Gays" is in the makeover stage, and who better to assist than Sophia herself? I can't think of anyone better. With Pennsatucky in the hairdressing chair, Sophia suggests, "Now, I'm thinking a nice Emma Watson pixie'll be cute, though." Pennsatucky has her own ideas - a Victoria Beckham-like trim, but the other person in the room, Big Boo, puts the kibosh on this: "Sorry, shortcake, above the ears or it doesn't count." It's hard to be gay. So many rules.
Outside the salon, the three women hear a noise and turn their head to see a sad-looking Healy peering in with disappointment. Pennsatucky offers a polite, "Hey," but Mr. Healy walks away after telling them that Safe Place has been cancelled. Pennsatucky yells after him, but to no avail, resulting in Big Boo teasing, "Awww, is your boyfriend hurt?" Annoyed by the childishness of it all, Pennsatucky turns to look at Big Boo and chastises, "Don't do that." Man, Boo, when Pennsatucky is telling you to grow up, you've hit rock bottom.
Haiiii, can Pennsatucky come out and play?
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Pennsatucky: Can't...I'm gay now!
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What...???
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Over in the ghetto, we hear Suzanne tell Vee, "But it wasn't me." Vee replies, "That's very good. That is exactly what you say when you go in there to talk to SIS." Suzanne says with more urgency, "No, Vee...it really wasn't me. I didn't do it!" Vee continues to feign a sincere belief that Suzanne did commit Red's assault and begins her heartless manipulation: "I just wanna say thank you, little girl. What you did was rough...but it had to be done." Then to shift the gear into "Max Evil," Vee pulls out a brand new Uno card game and promises, "We can play later. You and me." Likely never having received a gift from anyone inside LCF, Suzanne quietly receives the card game, clutches it to her chest, and watches Vee leave with eyes only of adoration. Not only are you taking advantage of a desperately lonely and oblivious woman, now you're bringing the fun family card game of Uno into it! Is there any limit to your villainy?
Then...*drumroll, please*...after being separated for twelve episodes, we finally have present-day Alex Vause sitting across from present-day Piper Chapman. There is a God! And he/she/it ships Vauseman! What are the first words spoken between them? Alex: "Okay, this is totally weird." True dat, sistah. Piper remarks, "I like your sweater." She reaches across the table to caress Alex's arm
Then...*drumroll, please*...after being separated for twelve episodes, we finally have present-day Alex Vause sitting across from present-day Piper Chapman. There is a God! And he/she/it ships Vauseman! What are the first words spoken between them? Alex: "Okay, this is totally weird." True dat, sistah. Piper remarks, "I like your sweater." She reaches across the table to caress Alex's arm
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and continues, "It's soft...like your resolve when you're offered a plea deal." Ohhhh, shit, son! Burn! Well played, Ms. Chapman.
Immediately, Alex starts to explain, "It came down at the very last minute, Piper, and they promised me it would put him away for good." Piper: "But it made me a perjurer and you a free woman." Alex: "I thought you were gonna tell the truth!" Piper: "And I thought you were gonna lie!" Alex: "Jesus, we are like a fucking O. Henry story." Well, yes, I guess if his stories were about selfish lesbians, then, sure. This comment breaks the ice, and the two of them start to grin at each other like the lovestruck puppies that they are. Alex changes the topic, saying, "It's good to see your face." Piper tells her she doesn't know how to react to her, and Alex concedes, "I'm pretty much the master of handling things completely wrong." No, that would be Larry Bloom. "I'm a fuck-up, and now I get to be a fuck-up in a shithole apartment in Queens. Too afraid to even open up my curtains. I'm really fucking lonely, Piper."
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Give me kiss, boo!
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Piper scoffs at this, replying, "Well, I'm sure you'll find somebody to keep your bed warm." Trying to convey the seriousness of what she's saying, Alex whispers to Piper, "I sleep with a gun. There is a car parked outside of my apartment every day. He's trying to scare me." After a moment, she says, "Honestly, I should just start dealing again. Find a bigger, tougher new kingpin who can beat up my old kingpin." Uh, me thinks getting involved with an even more dangerous drug ring is not the solution...to anything ever. But, what do I know?
Piper chastises this comment, but Alex asks, "What am I qualified to do? I have...I have no job. I'm afraid to leave my apartment. I got so used to sleeping with the lights on that I'm totally freaked out by the dark. My probation officer is a joke. His name is David Crockett." Oh Lord. Piper starts laughing at this and asks, "The King of the Wild Frontier?" Alex: "King of sitting on his fat fucking ass, stuffing his face with Swiss rolls, hoping to bust me for some stupid infraction." I'll say this: If I am stuffing my face with something, I could do a lot worse than Swiss rolls. Not a bad choice.
Piper chastises this comment, but Alex asks, "What am I qualified to do? I have...I have no job. I'm afraid to leave my apartment. I got so used to sleeping with the lights on that I'm totally freaked out by the dark. My probation officer is a joke. His name is David Crockett." Oh Lord. Piper starts laughing at this and asks, "The King of the Wild Frontier?" Alex: "King of sitting on his fat fucking ass, stuffing his face with Swiss rolls, hoping to bust me for some stupid infraction." I'll say this: If I am stuffing my face with something, I could do a lot worse than Swiss rolls. Not a bad choice.
Come on, sugar tits, don't be this way...
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I HATE THAT NAME!
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After this moment of lightness, Piper asks Alex, "What are you gonna do?" Hesitantly, Alex takes a moment before saying quietly, "I'm skipping town." Piper immediately rejects this idea, but Alex asserts, "I don't have a choice. These people know where I live. That's why I wanted to see you. When I go, Piper, I can't come back. I have to just disappear." Shaking her head in disbelief, Piper says, "You can't leave me." I feel exactly like Piper right now - no, Alex, you can't leave me. It's been Hellish enough without you here for most of the season.
Alex reminds Piper that she's in danger, but Piper reveals in desperation, "But I don't have anyone left." Looking sincerely sorrowful, Alex can only tell her, "I'm sorry, Piper. I'm sorry for all of it. I know that my track record is shit...but I really do love you." In pain, Piper snaps back, "Yeah, well, I hate you." Exuding her signature confidence, Alex tells her, "No, you don't." Piper finally makes eye contact with her at this comment and cedes, "No. No, I don't." Annnnnd, end scene. Well, fuck.
Alex reminds Piper that she's in danger, but Piper reveals in desperation, "But I don't have anyone left." Looking sincerely sorrowful, Alex can only tell her, "I'm sorry, Piper. I'm sorry for all of it. I know that my track record is shit...but I really do love you." In pain, Piper snaps back, "Yeah, well, I hate you." Exuding her signature confidence, Alex tells her, "No, you don't." Piper finally makes eye contact with her at this comment and cedes, "No. No, I don't." Annnnnd, end scene. Well, fuck.