While Alex and Piper try to talk through Alex's precarious situation, an automated message comes on, announcing, "You have thirty seconds remaining for this call." Piper curses herself, and Alex chastises, "You couldn't have added more credit before calling me?" That's a valid question. She tells Piper, "I need to talk to you. I need to talk to you in person. Can you get me on your visitation list?" Yes, Vauseman visit! Yes! Piper tells her she'll try, but asks, "Are you sure...are you sure that you're safe?" Unconvincingly, Alex answers, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just...get me on your list and we can talk about it then."
The dial tone then cuts in, abruptly putting an end to their conversation. Piper reacts as any calm person would act: "Fuck! Motherfucker! You call that thirty seconds?" She pounds her palms against the wall, causing a nearby guard to warn, "Hey, that's
The dial tone then cuts in, abruptly putting an end to their conversation. Piper reacts as any calm person would act: "Fuck! Motherfucker! You call that thirty seconds?" She pounds her palms against the wall, causing a nearby guard to warn, "Hey, that's
I've got a new name on my visitation list: Aunt Flow
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federal property..." "You're federal property!" screams back Piper. Oh child, no. Hearing this unusually bad comeback, the guard reaches for his notepad, preparing to write her a shot. She immediately tries to undo the damage: "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Menses, it's menses madness!" You just had to get your uterine lining involved, didn't you?Reasonably, the guard grimaces at this statement, telling Piper in disgust, "Ew, just go." I second that response, sir. Ew, Piper, just go.
Back in Alex's hideaway, she goes to grab some milk from her fridge, when someone begins aggressively pounding on her door. Concerned about who's on the other side of the door, Alex grabs a knife from the kitchen before making her way towards the knocking. Oh God, this is not good. The man yells, "Come on, open up. I know you're in there. I saw you go in." Knife in |
hand, Alex asks, "What do you want?" He gives the standard creepster response: "You know what I want." Ew. But then, he adds, "I want you to separate your damn recyclables." Uh, that is unexpected.
Alex hesitantly opens the door, and upon seeing her face, the guy (let's call him "Mr. Recyclables") appears surprised and says, "Oh, you're not Mrs. Woo." Alex confirms that she is, indeed, not Mrs. Woo, and then promises to do her recycling duties the next time around. Mr. Recyclables is happy with this assurance and turns to leave, but before he does, he says, "Oh, Alex! Alex Vause? Some Arab guys were looking for you. Maybe not Arab, but you know...dusky gentlemen." Ah, what a lovely way to be described - "dusky." Knowing what this means, Alex closes her door quickly and contemplates her next move.
Meanwhile, at Polly's place, Larry is recovering from the beautiful punch that Pete landed right on his stupid face. While he sits with a bag of frozen veggies on his face, Polly tells him, "Honestly, Pete is secretly jumping up and down with joy to be let off the hook.
Alex hesitantly opens the door, and upon seeing her face, the guy (let's call him "Mr. Recyclables") appears surprised and says, "Oh, you're not Mrs. Woo." Alex confirms that she is, indeed, not Mrs. Woo, and then promises to do her recycling duties the next time around. Mr. Recyclables is happy with this assurance and turns to leave, but before he does, he says, "Oh, Alex! Alex Vause? Some Arab guys were looking for you. Maybe not Arab, but you know...dusky gentlemen." Ah, what a lovely way to be described - "dusky." Knowing what this means, Alex closes her door quickly and contemplates her next move.
Meanwhile, at Polly's place, Larry is recovering from the beautiful punch that Pete landed right on his stupid face. While he sits with a bag of frozen veggies on his face, Polly tells him, "Honestly, Pete is secretly jumping up and down with joy to be let off the hook.
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He just needed to affirm his manhood. Maybe he can fuck Piper and we'll have reciprocity." Oh, what a healthy little world we've created. Also, it seems pretty unfair for Polly and Larry to absolve themselves of any guilt by saying that Pete probably didn't want to be a full-time father. Who knows what Pete wanted - but I'm sure he didn't want his wife to sleep with one of his best friends. God, Larry, you ruin everything - including Polly.
Larry tells Polly that he thinks he and Piper actually ended on good terms (seriously?), but Polly admits that she has a ways to go before her and Piper are friends again. She offers to Larry, "You can still leave. I guess I don't know what you get out of this relationship, and I'm scared because...what happens when you wanna...trek across an ice field?" Larry looks directly at her, saying, "I can guarantee you that I will never wanna trek across an ice field." Smiling, Polly responds, "I know. You're so not rugged." Wow, she's got you pegged, Larry. He denies this and the two of them tease one another before sharing a kiss that is as awkward to watch as when you accidentally walk in on your grandparents making out. Polly, you've made a dreadful life choice. |
I think I showed Pete who's the big man. I mean, yes, he punched me with his fist, but, in reality, I punched his fist with my face!
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In LCF, Safe Place is in session, and with Healy and Pennsatucky at the helm, how could this go wrong? They start by asking everyone to share their feelings with the group and Healy grabs a staff of wood, explaining, "This is a talking stick. Whoever's gonna be talking in the group will be carrying that stick." Ah, this is very reminiscent of the stick from the male bonding session in the Saved By the Bell episode, Slater's Sister. Healy also has a feelings chart, where the inmates can identify their own emotions. Noticing Poussey's clear unhappiness with attending Safe Place, Healy grabs the talking stick and gives it to her, insisting, "Just tell us how you're feeling." Her answer: "Bored." Someone's being a crabbypants about this. Pennsatucky immediately attacks her: "Bored isn't a feeling. It's not on the feelings chart." Furious, Poussey stomps over to Pennsatucky and grabs the feelings chart out of her hand, saying, "Fine! Mad, I feel mad." Healy questions, "Okay, and why do you feel mad?" "'Cause you told me I couldn't feel bored!" yells back Poussey. Welp, Safe Place is having a wonderful start!
So, all I wanna know is: who wants to touch my stick?
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Pass!
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At this point, Suzanne joins the group late and seats herself right next to Poussey. She cocks her head and stares right at her, letting her know that every single word she says will be reported back to Vee. So, within a few minutes of its inaugural meeting, Safe Place has become Unsafe Place. Lovely. Healy urges Poussey to continue, telling her, "The point is to help you to start to get in touch with your feelings." Depressingly, Poussey says in response, "Did it ever occur to you that we don't wanna get in touch with our feelings? That actually feeling our feelings might make it impossible to survive in here?" Oh, Poussey, you poor, sad strugglefish.
At this point, Healy tries a different tack: "Look, I'm trying to look out for you. Everybody in here, we have to look out for each other. Now, you look like you got hurt. What happened?" Uh oh. All eyes on her, Poussey says uncomfortably, "Nothing happened." When
At this point, Healy tries a different tack: "Look, I'm trying to look out for you. Everybody in here, we have to look out for each other. Now, you look like you got hurt. What happened?" Uh oh. All eyes on her, Poussey says uncomfortably, "Nothing happened." When
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Healy doesn't buy this and continues to push for the truth, Poussey repeats, "Nothing happened. I slipped in the shower. Totally random." Ugh, she sounds like a domestic abuse victim. This is terrible. Someone save Poussey!
Outside in the yard, Big Boo is escorting one of her latest victims out of a shed, when she finds herself surrounded by Red, Nichols, Murphy, and Norma. And they do not look happy. Nichols puts her arm around Big Boo's companion, telling her, "Hey, take a walk, bouncy boobs," while pushing her out of the way. Surrounded, Big Boo warns, "All right, none of you bitches better come near me," while putting her fists up in a defensive position. Red, though, says, "Relax, we're not going to hurt you." She pulls out a bag of Jolly Ranchers and tosses them at Big Boo's feet, advising, "Enjoy them. It'll be the last favor I ever do for you." Unfazed by this, Big Boo mocks, "Oh...I'm out of the family. What a shame. Especially since our relationship has always involved such a high degree of mutual respect." Big Boo kicks the bag of candy, saying, "Fuck your Jolly Ranchers. There are houses on this block with much better candy." Getting right in Red's face, she tells her, "You come down here with your scarecrows, trying to act all gangster? You buy loyalty with candy and skin care products. I |
mean, your gang looks like a bunch of half-priced Garbage Pail Kids! Red...you're a fucking joke!" Calmly, Red replies, "You're right. I'm a joke. I'm sure you'll be better off on your own." With that, Red turns to leave, with the rest of them right behind her, while Boo stands there, asserting, "I know I will! Boo got Boo...and that's all Boo needs." Predictably, though, once the others are out of sight, she bends down to snatch up the Jolly Ranchers. She ain't a complete fool, I guess, but her future looks bleak now.