Outside the walls of LCF, we find ourselves in Pete and Polly's living room, with Larry and Polly sitting on the couch, and Pete standing up, yelling about how his trip to Alaska was worth it. Well, this is weird. Polly interrupts, "Pete, can you come sit down? We wanna talk to you about something." Mirroring my reaction to this, Pete says, "Uh-oh. I sense an ambush here." Pete, I have a feeling your Spidey-sense is giving you an accurate read. Polly reiterates her request that he come sit on the couch with her and Larry, but anticipating what this is about, Pete first says, "I'm not an alcoholic...I'm Australian." Ha, oh Pete. Polly denies that this is about his drinking, so he takes a sip of the beer in his hand and comes over to sit in front of them.
Taking a deep breath, Polly begins, "Okay, so...while you were away, Larry and I spent a lot of time together." Doing his part to participate, Larry continues, "And... we became close. Closer than before. This is awkward..." Pete steps in at this point: "No,
Taking a deep breath, Polly begins, "Okay, so...while you were away, Larry and I spent a lot of time together." Doing his part to participate, Larry continues, "And... we became close. Closer than before. This is awkward..." Pete steps in at this point: "No,
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mate. I know what you're gonna say. Yeah, I'm not an idiot. You think I don't know what's going on here?" Polly explains, "It's nothing we ever planned." Appearing more cheerful than one would expect, Pete says, "Of course not. I mean, it all makes sense. You...Polly...and me. Why not? We're all friends." Wait...what? Understanding where Pete's going with all of this, Polly cuts off, "No, Pete, this isn't about having a threesome." Remarkably, Pete seems a bit disappointed by this. Aw, Pete, bless you and your open-mindedness!
"I'm leaving you," says Polly, Debbie Downer supreme. Stunned by this, Pete takes a few moments to pull himself together and manages to ask, "Uh...for him?" Yeah, we're as shocked as you are, Pete. Larry, being the awful human being he always is, explains, "It hasn't been going on long." Grrr, shut up, Larry! Why would you have him there? It's just cruel to Pete! Why?! Pete asks him, "You...cuckolded me?" Larry: "I never thought of it that way." Larry, just like Vee, you are the |
The S.S. Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places
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worst. Standing up, Pete looks at Larry and yells, "You...fucked my wife without me being there, too. You cuckolded me!"
Delving back into the fray, Polly inserts, "Pete, let's admit something. The moment I had the baby, you bailed. You're not ready to be a grown-up." "And rebound boy is?" asks Pete. Uh, very good point! Polly: "Larry fucking shows up! Look, you think this is easy? I'm ending a marriage. He's ending a relationship. I fucked my best friend's fiancé. But it's real. And...I think it's the best thing that's ever happened to both of us." Uh, as Jack McFarland once quoted, "Are you trippin'?" Larry Bloom's not the best thing to happen to anything or anyone ever. Polly, let's just keep it real - you were drowning in trying to keep up with your newborn baby; you wanted someone else to be there to help you out; and you were horny. Bloom, who had been recently cuckolded by one Alex Vause, sought out a new female who would be willing to tolerate his existence, and *poof* there you go - Polly/Larry: the ship of broken dreams and settling for less. This is not a love story. This is a cautionary tale about bad life choices and desperation.
Unwilling to take all of Polly's justifications, Pete responds, "I went away...so, I could be somebody for our son." Like the grade A moron he is, Larry stands up with a smile on his face and says, "Come on, Pete. You know that's not true. You went away because..." BOOM! Right as I am yelling at the screen, "Knock the shit out of him!!!" Pete obliges me and does exactly what the world has been waiting for someone to do to Larry for the last two seasons - punches Larry right in the face, knocking him back into the couch.
Delving back into the fray, Polly inserts, "Pete, let's admit something. The moment I had the baby, you bailed. You're not ready to be a grown-up." "And rebound boy is?" asks Pete. Uh, very good point! Polly: "Larry fucking shows up! Look, you think this is easy? I'm ending a marriage. He's ending a relationship. I fucked my best friend's fiancé. But it's real. And...I think it's the best thing that's ever happened to both of us." Uh, as Jack McFarland once quoted, "Are you trippin'?" Larry Bloom's not the best thing to happen to anything or anyone ever. Polly, let's just keep it real - you were drowning in trying to keep up with your newborn baby; you wanted someone else to be there to help you out; and you were horny. Bloom, who had been recently cuckolded by one Alex Vause, sought out a new female who would be willing to tolerate his existence, and *poof* there you go - Polly/Larry: the ship of broken dreams and settling for less. This is not a love story. This is a cautionary tale about bad life choices and desperation.
Unwilling to take all of Polly's justifications, Pete responds, "I went away...so, I could be somebody for our son." Like the grade A moron he is, Larry stands up with a smile on his face and says, "Come on, Pete. You know that's not true. You went away because..." BOOM! Right as I am yelling at the screen, "Knock the shit out of him!!!" Pete obliges me and does exactly what the world has been waiting for someone to do to Larry for the last two seasons - punches Larry right in the face, knocking him back into the couch.
Larry: Bro, we're cool, right? Dude? Buddddy?
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Larry: Oh God! My eyes! Help me! My eyes!
Polly: I already regret this |
Correctly, Pete tells Larry, "Don't tell me what I know," and walks away without another word. Polly tends to the now injured Larry, who is, of course, whining loudly. If either of them expected that little discussion to end any other way, they, apparently, have a combined IQ of 7. They're lucky Pete didn't do any worse. That being said - I still ship the crap out of them because as we know, as long as Polly and Larry are together, it means the Larry/Piper ship can remain in its fiery ring of Hell where it belongs. Team Pete!
The scene changes and suddenly, IS THAT ALEX VAUSE?! It is! And it's not a flashback! It's present-day Vause! Huzzah! She goes to pick up her ringing cell phone and hears the LCF message: "An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you. To accept this call, please press one." Please press one, please press one! She does, and as soon as she puts her ear to the phone, she hears Piper saying, "So, in your letter, you claim you tried to ask if I could get the same deal you got, but what you failed to explain is why after you coached me in exactly what to say in my testimony, you suddenly do an about-face and say the exact opposite thing." Ah, hello to you, too, Piper!
The scene changes and suddenly, IS THAT ALEX VAUSE?! It is! And it's not a flashback! It's present-day Vause! Huzzah! She goes to pick up her ringing cell phone and hears the LCF message: "An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you. To accept this call, please press one." Please press one, please press one! She does, and as soon as she puts her ear to the phone, she hears Piper saying, "So, in your letter, you claim you tried to ask if I could get the same deal you got, but what you failed to explain is why after you coached me in exactly what to say in my testimony, you suddenly do an about-face and say the exact opposite thing." Ah, hello to you, too, Piper!
*A call from LCF? Please be Nicky. Please be Nicky...*
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Hiiiiiiii Alex! It's me, Piper Elizabeth Chapman!
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*Ah, damn it, it's that Chapman girl...*
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Alex: "You want the long version or the short version?" Piper: "I want the short version. You have one minute." Start the clock! Piper ain't messin' around! Caught off guard by Piper's timetable, Alex responds, "Oh...it's like that, huh?" Fortunately, it's not. Piper explains, "No, my...phone credit is running low." Ah, more acceptable. Making the most of their time, Alex begins, "Look, Piper...I was facing more time than you. My lawyer told me that my testimony would put Kubra away...for sure...and that I could walk that same day." Piper sarcastically congratulates her on having a better lawyer, but Alex says, "No, he isn't. He was wrong. Kubra walked. There was a mistrial. Some dumb fuck mishandled the evidence. He's out." Ruh roh. Confused, Piper asks, "So, I'm the only one who went to prison?" Incensed by this question, Alex criticizes, "I tell you that Kubra's free after I testify against him and that's all you have to say?!"
Uh, let's hold up just one second, Ms. Vause. Yes, Piper's making it all about her, per usual, but you don't get to turn the tables on Piper and act like she's being a jerk. Why not? Perhaps, a small story will illustrate my point: Let's say I have a co-worker who I can't
Uh, let's hold up just one second, Ms. Vause. Yes, Piper's making it all about her, per usual, but you don't get to turn the tables on Piper and act like she's being a jerk. Why not? Perhaps, a small story will illustrate my point: Let's say I have a co-worker who I can't
*Mmm...I love it when she says "Kubra"*
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stand, so one night, I get drunk and convince my best buddy to help me...uh...let's say, leave a flaming bag of poo on said co-worker's porch and egg said co-worker's car. Yay, crime! Yay, friendship! When we're doing this, I hear police sirens coming our way, so I run over to my best buddy, kick her right in her bad ankle so she can't run away, throw all of the damning evidence on top of her crumpled-over body, and then run my ass out of the yard before the police arrive. Then when I am walking away through the woods nearby, I fall in a ditch and break my leg. When my best buddy sees me afterwards and screams at me for being a huge piece of shit, I am not justified in saying, "Dude! I broke my leg! You're so insensitive! I can't believe you're going to bring the focus back on to what happened to you! Selfish!" This is exactly what Alex is doing. She told Piper to lie, when Piper didn't want to; Piper lied; Alex told the truth to save her own ass; and then shiz didn't turn out how the way she thought it would. That doesn't de-shitify what she did to Piper.
Aaaand back to the conversation. Piper tells Alex, "Well, I mean, they're protecting you, right?" Laughing at this, Alex says sarcastically, "Yeah...they're protecting me. There's around-the-clock surveillance. And by that, I mean...I see my probation officer every week for about twenty |
minutes." While Alex says this, she cautiously takes a look out of her apartment window, visibly anxious in her surroundings. This is not good. (On a side note, this doesn't really make sense why Alex is fearful just because Kubra is free. I mean, even if he had been put away, the guy has connections and presumably would seek vengeance regardless of what happened at trial. Alex should have known she put herself at risk the second she testified against Kubra.)
Realizing the danger Alex is now in, Piper begins to panic: "Oh my God. Alex...Alex, are you serious? Where are you right now?" When Alex tells her she's cooped up in Queens by herself, Piper tells her, "Alex, you shouldn't be in New York. Alex, you should be in fucking Nevada or...or Argentina or something." Now trying to allay Piper's fears, Alex says, "It's fine. Thomas Pynchon hid in New York for years." That's your primary argument for why you're going to be fine? You reference a reclusive American writer who, by the way, had no one from a drug cartel gunning for you? Oh Alex.
Realizing the danger Alex is now in, Piper begins to panic: "Oh my God. Alex...Alex, are you serious? Where are you right now?" When Alex tells her she's cooped up in Queens by herself, Piper tells her, "Alex, you shouldn't be in New York. Alex, you should be in fucking Nevada or...or Argentina or something." Now trying to allay Piper's fears, Alex says, "It's fine. Thomas Pynchon hid in New York for years." That's your primary argument for why you're going to be fine? You reference a reclusive American writer who, by the way, had no one from a drug cartel gunning for you? Oh Alex.