After that insanity, we hear Piper's voice saying, "Hi, Larry, it's me." Oh no. "Listen, I know that I said I didn't wanna know who it was, and I didn't, but being in here, it just has a way of making you obsess and feel a little crazy, jealous. So, I know this is totally unfair, but it's how I feel, so I just think it would be better if I knew, if I just knew who it was, and then I could stop guessing." Behind Piper creeps up Suzanne and Vee, with Suzanne announcing in a low voice, "Your phone time is up." Piper resists momentarily, but wisely ends her phone call, ceding the phone to Vee. Damn, the Vee regime has taken over.
Fortunately, this scene is followed up with a flashback! A long-haired Piper is sitting on a couch, telling Polly, "I'm not gay. I'm not. I'm
Fortunately, this scene is followed up with a flashback! A long-haired Piper is sitting on a couch, telling Polly, "I'm not gay. I'm not. I'm
Heavens to Betsy! Someone has left a mini-campfire ablaze and unattended! Duty calls!
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just experimenting." Yuck, I hate that phrase. Piper reasons, "Maybe all of the guys that I've been with so far have just been really bad in bed, but I'm telling you, it's like I just discovered what sex is supposed to be." I'm sure it's a combination of two things: 1) All the guys Piper slept with have been really bad in bed; and 2) Alex Vause is awesome in bed. Pretty simple. Polly, though, questions, "But she has a girlfriend?" Piper corrects this, "She had a girlfriend." Daaaamn, girl, well played! Polly expresses concern over whether it's really over between Alex and Sylvia, when suddenly the doorbell rings.
Piper goes to her door and sees no one standing out front, but when she opens it, a flaming bag of poo is waiting for her on the porch. Apparently, unfamiliar with this prank, Piper gasps in shock and immediately proceeds to stamp it out with her Uggs. As soon as her foot goes through the bag, she squeals, "Oh my God! Oh my God! There's shit in that bag!" Yes, Piper, yes, there is. Also, some lesbians like wearing flannel. None of this is news. Polly, crinkling her nose at the stench, asks, "You fell for that? That's like the oldest trick in the book." Piper: "What is the oldest trick in the book? Poop?! In a bag?! On fire?!" Oddly, yes. Taking a moment, Piper comes to a realization: "Oh my God. It's her. Sylvia. Alex's ex." Polly asks, "Really?" and I also question if that really is who is behind this, but Piper is adamant: "Yes, she's fucking crazy. She attacked me. This is...this is her, I know it." Asking a more important question, Polly asks, "Do you |
think it's human shit?! I mean, if she's really as crazy as you say..." Piper ponders this and admits, "Well, she did get her point across. I'll give her that much." In a good summary, Polly concludes, "Lesbians are insane." I can't honestly argue with that.
From Piper and Polly in the past to Piper and Polly in the present, we find Polly nervously sitting in LCF's visiting room, awaiting the entrance of Piper. Yeah, you better be nervous! As soon as Piper walks in, both of their faces light up upon the sight of the other and they embrace gleefully. When they sit down, Polly apologizes, "I am so sorry it's been so long. And, Pipe, I'm sorry about Celeste. I should have been at the funeral. I just...I'm not making that much milk, and pumping is really hard." You're gonna blame this on your breastmilk, are you? Really? Polly continues to apologize profusely, but Piper tells her, "Stop, it's fine." Overdoing it, Polly insists that it is not fine and she tells her, "You needed me and I wasn't there. I've been a really bad friend. Like, the worst. You don't deserve
From Piper and Polly in the past to Piper and Polly in the present, we find Polly nervously sitting in LCF's visiting room, awaiting the entrance of Piper. Yeah, you better be nervous! As soon as Piper walks in, both of their faces light up upon the sight of the other and they embrace gleefully. When they sit down, Polly apologizes, "I am so sorry it's been so long. And, Pipe, I'm sorry about Celeste. I should have been at the funeral. I just...I'm not making that much milk, and pumping is really hard." You're gonna blame this on your breastmilk, are you? Really? Polly continues to apologize profusely, but Piper tells her, "Stop, it's fine." Overdoing it, Polly insists that it is not fine and she tells her, "You needed me and I wasn't there. I've been a really bad friend. Like, the worst. You don't deserve
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that. You don't deserve any of this." Even Piper notices something's up with her, but she ignores it at this point.
Piper asks Polly about life with a baby, about Pete, and also: "Have you seen Larry a lot?" "No, why, did he tell you that? I mean, just when Pete was gone. He helped me a lot with Finn." The alarms are ringing in Piper's head. Polly tries to nonchalantly ask, "Are you guys still talking a lot?" Piper recounts that she spent her furlough with him and says that they almost had sex at her grandmother's wake. She then asks Polly, "Does that surprise you?" Polly stutters a bit and replies, "Uh, well, yeah, I thought you ended things." Piper: "He was my fiancé, Polly. There's still a lot of love there." Looking her dead in the eye, Piper says to Polly, "He slept with someone else. Did he tell you that?" Polly denies this, but Piper tells her, "You two...have been talking. You're close. He's been helping you with Finn." Ah, the evidence mounts. Quickly, Polly replies, "Oh, we're not that close. Um, what did he tell you?" And in this moment, Piper knows. Her eyes fixed on Polly, she answers, "That it was someone I know. I think he was feeling pretty guilty." It also appears |
Girl, you should be thanking me! I jumped on your grenade, so you could be with Alex. You're welcome!
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Polly is aware that Piper knows, as she softly tells Piper, "He probably felt like it was a mistake. He doesn't want to hurt you." Calmly, Piper says, "I'm sure that he doesn't." And another friendship goes straight to Hell inside the walls of LCF. I can't say Piper has had great luck during visitation: 1) Larry and all of his awful; 2) Piper's mother and all of her awful; 3) Found out her grandma's dying; and 4) Finding out her best friend slept with her ex-fiancé. I'd stop taking visitors if I were her.
Flashback time! Back to the good ole' days of Vauseman! Piper is sitting in Alex's bed, neurotically going through her tales of paranoia: "Do you think she's gonna murder me? Just how unstable is this Sylvia person?" Alex laughs this off: "It was a joke." Piper: "It was not a joke! It was a very clear message. 'I know what you did, bitch, and I want you to know that I know.'" Well, look who just drove into Crazytown. Turning towards her to allay her fears, Alex says, "Look, being with you was my choice. I wasn't happy." Piper asks Alex if she thinks Sylvia will come after her, but Alex tells her, "Look, I think that she needed to get it out of her system, all right? Sometimes, you gotta rage in order to move on." And sometimes, that rage comes in a flaming paper bag filled with human feces. Different strokes for different folks.
Flashback time! Back to the good ole' days of Vauseman! Piper is sitting in Alex's bed, neurotically going through her tales of paranoia: "Do you think she's gonna murder me? Just how unstable is this Sylvia person?" Alex laughs this off: "It was a joke." Piper: "It was not a joke! It was a very clear message. 'I know what you did, bitch, and I want you to know that I know.'" Well, look who just drove into Crazytown. Turning towards her to allay her fears, Alex says, "Look, being with you was my choice. I wasn't happy." Piper asks Alex if she thinks Sylvia will come after her, but Alex tells her, "Look, I think that she needed to get it out of her system, all right? Sometimes, you gotta rage in order to move on." And sometimes, that rage comes in a flaming paper bag filled with human feces. Different strokes for different folks.
Do you think she'd try to kill me? I mean, she's punched me and sent me poo on fire. What's next?
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Maybe I should get a bodyguard. Or a dog. Or a pack of dogs to surround me at all times. Also, a taser
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*Oh my gods, why is she talking?*
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Alex: *I miss Sylvia*
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*Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.*
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Giving Alex puppy dog eyes, Piper asks, "Did you love her?" Reaching out towards her, Alex answers, "No. But I love you." Nicely done, Alex. For the first time in this scene, a smile comes on Piper's face and she asks softly, "You do?" Suddenly shy, Alex merely smiles back at her, so Piper grabs the comforter to get underneath the sheets with Alex. She lies down across from her and the two gaze into each other's eyes, while Alex strokes Piper's face. Her vulnerability showing, Alex confides, "I don't say that to everyone. You have to say it back." Earnestly, Piper reciprocates: "I love you, too." They share a sweet kiss, and Sylvia is all, but forgotten.