Continued from Page 1 of Orange is the New Black 2.09: 40 Oz. of Furlough
Returning to the outside world, Piper's family is hosting a get-together at their home after the calling hours and we see Piper doing her job as a grieving granddaughter by....getting shitfaced. She chug-a-lugs on some wine and then creepily begins her drunken sexual assault on a fearful Larry. Stroking his chest and pulling him near her, she says in a low voice, "Mmm, I missed you." Ewww. She asks, "You wanna?" He tries to say no, but she says, "Oh, come on, Larry. How long has it been since you came in a real live vagina and not in your hand?" Couldn't have worded that question better myself. Wait, yes, anyone could have. Larry ducks out of her grasp momentarily, right as her father enters the room.
Seeing her drinking wine, he says, "I don't think you're supposed to be drinking, honey." Tilting her head, she drunkenly slurs,
Seeing her drinking wine, he says, "I don't think you're supposed to be drinking, honey." Tilting her head, she drunkenly slurs,
Piper: Mmm...your rack is looking delicious tonight
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"What's 'supposed to' anyway, you know? Who makes those rules?" Oh, my. He answers, "I believe it's the Federal Department of Corrections in this case." "Fuck 'em," spits back Piper. He lectures, "The last thing anyone needs is you getting your sentence extended for some silly furlough violation." "Really, Dad? Is that the last thing that anyone needs, or is that the last thing that you need, because you refuse to come visit your only daughter in prison and you'd rather not have that weighing on your conscience for any longer than it has to?" asks Piper. So, we're doing this here and now, huh?
Her father tries to redirect the conversation by focusing on his mother, telling Piper how much she was adored and loved by her. At the end, he finally admits why he's stayed away from visiting her: "I'm sorry, honey. I just can't see you like that. You're my little girl. That woman in there - that's not who you are." Well, that's condescending and bullshit. Staring at him for a while, Piper finally asserts, "That's exactly who I am," before walking out of the room, leaving her father alone with his confusion and disappointment. Piper goes straight from this horrid conversation to track down Larry in the |
bathroom. She forces her way in and immediately begins kissing him. AVERT YOUR EYES! He tries to resist, but once he sees that the door is locked, he unzips the back of her dress and they're off! She unceremoniously hops onto the sink, pulls up her dress, and whispers, "Fuck me." Ew. This, of course, leads to a very awkward and poor attempt to have heterosexual sex. Attempt because Larry's equipment has not risen to the occasion, but Piper is not deterred: "It's okay. Let me help. Let me help." I do like a team player in the bedroom. Or bathroom. She gets down on her knees and begins to...well...you know...make Larry "bloom" so to speak.
As usual, Larry continues to talk about reasons why they shouldn't be doing this, until Piper tells him to "Shut up." This is a common theme with Larry pre-sex, it seems. Feeling the guilt override him, he finally confesses, "Fuck, I slept with someone." At this statement, Piper detaches and stands up, asking, "Really? You decide to tell me that with your flaccid dick in my mouth?!" Oh...Peter, Paul, and Mary. Larry quibbles, "Shhh...it was a semi." Oh, Larry, don't. "Do not defend your boner to me right now," demands Piper. As he begins to re-situate himself, he says, "I'm sorry. I know this is...tough for you. Is there anything you wanna ask me or..."
Piper cuts him off, denying she wants to know any details, but quickly rethinks this: "Maybe. Is it someone that I know?" We're
As usual, Larry continues to talk about reasons why they shouldn't be doing this, until Piper tells him to "Shut up." This is a common theme with Larry pre-sex, it seems. Feeling the guilt override him, he finally confesses, "Fuck, I slept with someone." At this statement, Piper detaches and stands up, asking, "Really? You decide to tell me that with your flaccid dick in my mouth?!" Oh...Peter, Paul, and Mary. Larry quibbles, "Shhh...it was a semi." Oh, Larry, don't. "Do not defend your boner to me right now," demands Piper. As he begins to re-situate himself, he says, "I'm sorry. I know this is...tough for you. Is there anything you wanna ask me or..."
Piper cuts him off, denying she wants to know any details, but quickly rethinks this: "Maybe. Is it someone that I know?" We're
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getting warmer. When Larry confirms that it is, Piper says, "That's it. I don't wanna know anything else." She leans her back against the bathroom wall and slides down to the floor, with Larry soon taking a seat beside her. Piper says quietly, "This is really over, isn't it?" Yes, Piper, please God, please let the answer be "yes." After a moment, Larry responds, "I don't...I don't want it to be," but Piper replies, "Yes, you do." Realizing the writing is on the wall, Larry admits, "But it feels so shitty actually saying it." The two of them lean into one another, knowing this will (hopefully) be the last time they ever do this. Larry tells her, "Fuck, I'm gonna miss you." Piper and Larry say a final "I love you" to one another, and this terrible chapter appears to be over. Is this the end of Piper and Larry? Only time will tell...
Returning to the misadventures of Soso in LCF, she's in the laundry room, complaining about Pornstache: "He gave me extra work duty. He's |
Larry and Piper Summed Up in a Photo
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punishing me for believing in something. Well, I'm gonna show them. Soon, no one will be eating, and then they'll see." Nearby, Leanne asks, "Why ain't we eating?" "In protest of the conditions in here," answers Soso. Pennsatucky opines, "Well, that's just super stupid. And dumb. And mean and cruel and stupid." So, I don't think Pennsatucky is on board. Leanne warns her, "Hey, leave Mulan alone." Wow, while I'll always love a reference to a Disney movie, particularly the flawfree Mulan - Leanne's ignorant use of that name is indefensible. Also, Soso is about as much like Mulan as Alex Vause is to Flounder - not comparable in any way.
Eventually, Leanne agrees to join up with Soso on her crusade against LCF, causing Pennsatucky to remark, "Great, Lilo and Stitch starving themselves to save the world." Another Disney reference! This time, it's more accurate. Leanne takes offense to being called Stitch (I don't know why) and gets in Pennsatucky's face, saying, "No one likes you." This is not a smart idea. When she turns her back on her, Pennsatucky grabs her head and shoves it right into the dryer, while Soso looks on in horror. Hearing the commotion, a C.O. walks in, and when Soso quickly points to Pennsatucky, the accused raises her hands in defeat. Well, that all
Eventually, Leanne agrees to join up with Soso on her crusade against LCF, causing Pennsatucky to remark, "Great, Lilo and Stitch starving themselves to save the world." Another Disney reference! This time, it's more accurate. Leanne takes offense to being called Stitch (I don't know why) and gets in Pennsatucky's face, saying, "No one likes you." This is not a smart idea. When she turns her back on her, Pennsatucky grabs her head and shoves it right into the dryer, while Soso looks on in horror. Hearing the commotion, a C.O. walks in, and when Soso quickly points to Pennsatucky, the accused raises her hands in defeat. Well, that all
Cal: You know, the Chapman family motto "Jizz is power" came straight from Nana
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went well. The lesson from all of this: watch how you use Disney references.
After this altercation, Leanne seeks out some pain relief, and she heads straight to Poussey. She asks for the "red light special," and upon seeing her busted up face, Poussey tells her, "Man, you people are like a 3D 'Don't do drugs' ad." Ha, well done, Poussey. When Poussey expresses surprise at how many stamps she has been given, Leanne explains that she doesn't want cigarettes, but instead, the "special stuff" because of her injury. Bothered by this request, Poussey directs, "Go buy some aspirin from commissary. Get out of here." She runs Leanne out of the library, and appears very bothered by this new information. Now, it's finally time for Celeste Chapman's funeral. Standing in front of everyone, Piper shares a story about what her grandmother told her after she had messed up a batch of cookies: "Piper, life is made in the mistakes." She quickly becomes emotional at this |
memory, so, Cal takes over speech-giving duties. After giving a somewhat rambling speech about Celeste, he summarizes, "The point is that Grandmother was a wonderful woman. That's the point I'm trying to make, and she should be celebrated. And my sister, Piper, is here, and that is truly incredible because she is technically a ward of the federal government...orrrrr...just returned from Africa, Aunt Kathy." When Cal says this last part, Piper looks as if she's in the middle of defecating herself. Cal Chapman should speak at all funerals.
Continuing on with his epic, epic eulogy, Cal says, "Either way, today is a day to celebrate life. Today is a day to celebrate today. And that is why...that is why I can't think of a better time to do this." Do what? He walks towards a giggling Neri and beckons, "Come on, my little hen of the woods." They return to the front of the church, where Cal announces, "Friends, family, lovers, older family friends that I can never remember the names of, Neri and I are getting married...right now." From behind them, Piper grasps on to the pulpit to steady herself, while her parents look on in dismay. Cal begins to point out all the members of the audience who have come here specifically for their wedding, including Neri's parents, Pam and Joe. He then approaches Celeste's casket, gives it a firm pat, and says, "I think that Celeste would be pleased with our judicious use of the free flowers and food, if not a tiny bit judgmental."
Continuing on with his epic, epic eulogy, Cal says, "Either way, today is a day to celebrate life. Today is a day to celebrate today. And that is why...that is why I can't think of a better time to do this." Do what? He walks towards a giggling Neri and beckons, "Come on, my little hen of the woods." They return to the front of the church, where Cal announces, "Friends, family, lovers, older family friends that I can never remember the names of, Neri and I are getting married...right now." From behind them, Piper grasps on to the pulpit to steady herself, while her parents look on in dismay. Cal begins to point out all the members of the audience who have come here specifically for their wedding, including Neri's parents, Pam and Joe. He then approaches Celeste's casket, gives it a firm pat, and says, "I think that Celeste would be pleased with our judicious use of the free flowers and food, if not a tiny bit judgmental."
Cal: Where's my other bitch at?
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Cal: Hos before bros, you know what I'm saying?
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Neri grabs a flower from the floral arrangement atop Celeste's casket, and she and Cal share a joyous kiss, before Cal calls Piper to his side. His arms tightly squeezed around both Neri and Piper, Cal gleefully proclaims, "We're gonna eat the world!" From the back of the church, whoops and hollers are heard in support of the couple, while Cal softly says, "Sorry, Mom," to Mrs. Chapman, who sits with her husband in stunned silence. Bravo, Cal, Bravo!