Published on September 7, 2014
As episode 2.08: Appropriately Sized Pots opens, there's a smell coming from LCF and it ain't a good one. The source of this smell: Soso. Apparently, she's been refraining from bathing...why? God only knows. Standing in the laundry room, she tells the other girls in the room, "I have to say, there is something gratifying about this, you know? Washing someone else's clothes, being of service to another human being." Soso, you're welcome to come over to my place to gratify yourself all over my dirty laundry. Wait...that came out wrong. Anyway, Pennsatucky warns, "Well, just wait til you come across some of them period-soaked panties or the shit stains on the undies and see how gratified you are." And I have now lost my appetite.
Are you saying I smell bad?
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Uh....I mean...uh....
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Yeah, that's it
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Seeing an opportunity arise to fix the stinky problem, Leanne loudly mentions to Angie, "And speaking of washin', you see they got a new kind of deodorant down at commissary? Powder fresh scent." Their eyes both looking at Soso optimistically, Angie responds happily, "Is that right? Yeah, I may have to go check that out." This looks like a scene from a deodorant commercial that was thrown in the reject pile. Unsurprisingly, it doesn't work. Soso lectures, "Guys, antiperspirant is so bad for you. You know, it's completely toxic. Our bodies are meant to breathe free." Uh, no, Soso, not when the breathing is being emitted from your armpits or your booty. Even I, a freedom-loving 'Merican, have no problem with those parts of my body having their "freedom to breathe" taken away.
Taking a more direct route, Pennsatucky steps in: "Yeah, they're trying to say you stink." When Soso seems surprised by this accusation, Pennsatucky approaches and affirms, "You reek. Go take a shower." Leanne tells her to back off Soso, but Pennsatucky is having none of it, getting in Soso's face: "You smell like a fucking turtle tank. Go take a fucking shower." Pffft...that was awesome.
Taking a more direct route, Pennsatucky steps in: "Yeah, they're trying to say you stink." When Soso seems surprised by this accusation, Pennsatucky approaches and affirms, "You reek. Go take a shower." Leanne tells her to back off Soso, but Pennsatucky is having none of it, getting in Soso's face: "You smell like a fucking turtle tank. Go take a fucking shower." Pffft...that was awesome.
Mmm...twat
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I gotta say, I support Pennsatucky's method in this instance. When you're living with other people, you need to not smell like a turtle tank. Well, unless you're a turtle, of course.
Over in another room, Piper is in a knitting circle with Taslitz and Frieda. And, yes, I mean she's literally in a knitting circle, not an x-rated "knitting circle." The ladies are discussing Jimmy and the horrendous treatment she received last episode. Piper tells the women that she may have a reporter who could help, but Frieda responds, "'Demented Granny Set Free' ain't a sexy headline and it ain't news. No one gives a shit about old ladies. We remind everyone that they're gonna die." Piper denies this: "I don't feel that way. I find it comforting to be around old people." What a weird thing to say, Piper. Taslitz quips, "Glad we could be of service." With this, Piper grabs her yarn and her needles, and when she begins to pull the yarn loose, she says aloud, "My grandmother is dying." Wow, I bet you're fun at parties. "She taught me how to knit. I made a blanket for my stuffed monkey. It took me six months. And then my mother sold it at a yard sale for a quarter." *GASP* So, your mother is a servant of the devil, apparently?! Who would do that? Taslitz tells Piper, "Your mum sounds like a twat." Bah ha ha! |
Yes, Taslitz, I love you! Piper pretty much agrees with this statement and goes on to tell them how her grandmother influenced her: "She always used to say to say to me, 'Go out and eat the world, Piper.' 'Don't you get stuck at home with some man.' I may have taken that last part too literally." Ha, Piper!
Before more tales of Celeste Chapman can be told, Healy appears at the door and beckons Piper into the hallway with him. Uh oh. She carefully walks outside the room and begins, "Let me guess, 'Dear Miss Chapman, no one gets furlough. Not you, not anyone, but especially not you. Love, the DOC.' Am I warm?" No, you're an ass. Let the man speak before you mouth off. Healy just says in response, "Got your furlough." She replies, "Funny," but he warns, "Hey, watch the sarcasm. I made a few phone calls, moved the process along. You get to go and say goodbye to your nana." Awww, Healy. Way to be a real jerk beforehand, Piper! Shocked into silence for a moment, her eyes begin to water and she asks, "Are you serious?" Quietly, Healy tells her, "Don't ask questions, Chapman. Just say, 'Thank you.'" Shaking in appreciation, Piper finally tells him with obvious sincerity, "Thank you," and she repeats
Before more tales of Celeste Chapman can be told, Healy appears at the door and beckons Piper into the hallway with him. Uh oh. She carefully walks outside the room and begins, "Let me guess, 'Dear Miss Chapman, no one gets furlough. Not you, not anyone, but especially not you. Love, the DOC.' Am I warm?" No, you're an ass. Let the man speak before you mouth off. Healy just says in response, "Got your furlough." She replies, "Funny," but he warns, "Hey, watch the sarcasm. I made a few phone calls, moved the process along. You get to go and say goodbye to your nana." Awww, Healy. Way to be a real jerk beforehand, Piper! Shocked into silence for a moment, her eyes begin to water and she asks, "Are you serious?" Quietly, Healy tells her, "Don't ask questions, Chapman. Just say, 'Thank you.'" Shaking in appreciation, Piper finally tells him with obvious sincerity, "Thank you," and she repeats
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it over and over again. Appearing to also have tears in his eyes, Healy gently tells her that she's welcome and then walks away. Awww.
With her good news, Piper goes to the phones to tell her mom, but she only gets the answering machine, where Mrs. Chapman asks for an "ever so brief message" like the monster that she is. Piper hangs up in frustration and as she dials a new number, the guard nearby tells her, "One call per inmate. There's a line." She argues that she didn't even get a call, but he orders her back in line. She grabs the phone desperately, asserting, "I need to make arrangements for my furlough." Piper! Back away from the phone! You're an inmate without power! Like a police officer cocking his gun, the guard reaches for his shot pad, letting her know he'll write her up. She gives up when he grabs his pen and raises her hands, ceding, "Fine." Doing her best impression of a disgruntled teenager, Piper walks back into the line, her eyes rolling to the ceiling, while the woman who is always crying on the phone is still sobbing along on her call. Piper points out, "Meanwhile, she's dictating a novel." Piper, do you want to go to SHU and have your furlough revoked?! Hmmm, do you?! Before her parade of sass lands her in |
Errbody who has furlough raise the roof!
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trouble, Caputo walks by and upon seeing Piper, he stops and says, "You, Chapman...that lip gloss?" What a weirdo! She answers, "No, no, no, no. These are just my lips." "What about the eyelashes?" he asks. Like a Maybelline commercial, Piper responds, "I was born with them." Accepting this answer resentfully, he says, "Fine" before walking away, suspiciously eyeing those around him. Well, that was creepy.
Outside in the yard, Nichols is showing Luschek the cool battery-lighter trick that she learned from Taystee. Except, it's not working so smoothly for her. While she struggles to get it to light, she asks Luschek, "Hey, am I wrong to assume that you and Fischer have been riding the hobby horse?" Luschek answers, "I don't kiss and tell, but, uh...I fucked her." Ah, what a gentleman. Nichols looks at him for a second and then says, "No, you didn't." Luschek amends his statement: "I grabbed her boobs." Nichols doesn't believe this either, but he stands firm on this one. Looking a bit impressed, Nichols reveals, "It's farther than I got." They look like bros hanging out, not a guard and an inmate. Suddenly, Nichols' battery-lighter sparks and she lights the cigarette in victory. Unfortunately, though, they hear Caputo calling out to them from afar. Oh no!
Outside in the yard, Nichols is showing Luschek the cool battery-lighter trick that she learned from Taystee. Except, it's not working so smoothly for her. While she struggles to get it to light, she asks Luschek, "Hey, am I wrong to assume that you and Fischer have been riding the hobby horse?" Luschek answers, "I don't kiss and tell, but, uh...I fucked her." Ah, what a gentleman. Nichols looks at him for a second and then says, "No, you didn't." Luschek amends his statement: "I grabbed her boobs." Nichols doesn't believe this either, but he stands firm on this one. Looking a bit impressed, Nichols reveals, "It's farther than I got." They look like bros hanging out, not a guard and an inmate. Suddenly, Nichols' battery-lighter sparks and she lights the cigarette in victory. Unfortunately, though, they hear Caputo calling out to them from afar. Oh no!
You know you look like Grumpy Cat?
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Hmmm...maybe
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Nichols hides the cigarette as quickly as possible, and Luschek pretends to be overseeing her "work" when Caputo approaches. He looks at them distrustfully and gruffly says, "You haven't been smoking out here, have you?" Luschek answers with a question, "Why do you assume I'm a smoker?" He eventually denies this, but Caputo remains: "I smell smoke." His eyes then lock onto Nichols and he asks, "Is that mascara? Why do you have mascara?" Has he been appointed the makeup police? What is with him today? Nichols responds, "'Cause they sell it at commissary." Bested again, Caputo points at Luschek and commands, "Keep your people in line." He then turns to leave, allowing Nichols to continue her conversation: "Now, what are those tits like?"