Published on July 26, 2014
We have now arrived at the fifth episode of season 2 of Orange is the New Black, and the title of said episode also happens to be the name of where I live - Low Self Esteem City. Ha ha...it's funny because it's true. The episode opens with the beginning of a turf war between the Latina inmates and the Black inmates, after a sewage problem forces the Latinas out of their bathroom and into the Black women's. Where are the white girls during all of this? Talking about lesbian sex in the cafeteria. Typical. "All of the girls must want to have sex," says Chang, without any context. Hmmm, okay. Big Boo responds, "Yes, Chang, we know. It's not a rape contest." Just sitting down, Piper asks, "What contest?"
"We're having a Bang-Off," explains Nichols. Ewww. No, stop! Was the battle for Soso not enough? Apparently not, as Chang
"We're having a Bang-Off," explains Nichols. Ewww. No, stop! Was the battle for Soso not enough? Apparently not, as Chang
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continues to lay out the rules: "All the girls must be here on camp." Nichols sasses, "Yeah, how about, 'All girls must be human' or would that be a problem for you, Boo?" *Gasp Ewww, I thought we had agreed to never talk of that atrocity again. Big Boo defends, "That happened one time. We were drunk." Uh, call me judgmental, but even a one-time dip in the "Bestiality Pool" is enough to deserve being given some shit. And the fact that you were both allegedly drunk only makes it worse. Sigh...
Piper asks, "So, do they have to come for it to count?" Big Boo counters, "Have to? Son, with me, they always come." Nichols snarks, "Oh, only once? That's so sad." Trash talk is bad enough as is, but trash talk about a bang-off is even worse. Yuck. Chang begins to describe the points process for the competition: "No double points, but different girls worth different points." She whips out a score sheet, which involves small ink drawings of all the available ladies and the assigned point values. Wow, this system is just destined to give women more confidence and security in |
My ass I'm a 3. More like 33. Yeah...their moms are 3s
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themselves. Great! Chang reads off, "Trim - six. Chapman - three." Piper shakes her head, saying, "I don't wanna play the game. Don't put me in that....Three out of what?" Ten is the answer. Piper got a three out of ten? No way.
Nichols: "Ten's like a guard, right? And one's like that girl." An unseen woman known as "that girl" passes by. Ugh, this is terrible. Piper argues, "I am so more than a three. I am not easy." Nichols says, "You're slutty, not easy. There's a difference, semantically." Sarcastically, Big Boo tells Piper, "Yeah, you're not easy. You only fucked your worst enemy." Piper: "Alex was not my enemy at the time. That I knew. It was complicated. She has that effect on me." Big Boo: "Me, too. Love to get my dick in her mouth." Guh, blech, gross. Please don't ruin lesbian sex by referring to a penis. "Maybe she'll come back in time for the game." Piper gives a soft, "Don't count on it" and returns to her meal. Sadsies.
Suddenly, the table is joined by an unnervingly smiley Pennsatucky, who asks, "Hey, what y'all playing?" Nichols answers, "A game as old as time." Ah yes, I remember a lesbian "bang-off" being mentioned somewhere in the Old Testament and Bhagavad Gita. When Pennsatucky asks what the name of the game is, Nichols says seriously, "Exclusion." Ouch. Dumb as a rock Pennsatucky says, "Cool. How do you play it?" Aww...Wait, what am I doing aww-ing Pennsatucky, attempted murderer of Piper? Never forgive; never forget!
Nichols: "Ten's like a guard, right? And one's like that girl." An unseen woman known as "that girl" passes by. Ugh, this is terrible. Piper argues, "I am so more than a three. I am not easy." Nichols says, "You're slutty, not easy. There's a difference, semantically." Sarcastically, Big Boo tells Piper, "Yeah, you're not easy. You only fucked your worst enemy." Piper: "Alex was not my enemy at the time. That I knew. It was complicated. She has that effect on me." Big Boo: "Me, too. Love to get my dick in her mouth." Guh, blech, gross. Please don't ruin lesbian sex by referring to a penis. "Maybe she'll come back in time for the game." Piper gives a soft, "Don't count on it" and returns to her meal. Sadsies.
Suddenly, the table is joined by an unnervingly smiley Pennsatucky, who asks, "Hey, what y'all playing?" Nichols answers, "A game as old as time." Ah yes, I remember a lesbian "bang-off" being mentioned somewhere in the Old Testament and Bhagavad Gita. When Pennsatucky asks what the name of the game is, Nichols says seriously, "Exclusion." Ouch. Dumb as a rock Pennsatucky says, "Cool. How do you play it?" Aww...Wait, what am I doing aww-ing Pennsatucky, attempted murderer of Piper? Never forgive; never forget!
How many points am I worth?
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Practically nothing. You're a 4
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What the fuck?
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At another table, the Black women are complaining about the hostile takeover of their bathroom by the Latina inmates. Vee, as usual, brings up how this type of thing didn't happen when she was at LCF before, resulting in a round of groans. Poussey jokes, "That was back in the good ole' days, when you could stab a bitch in her sleep and nobody said nothin'." "Oh, I'm sorry, do you like being another woman's doormat?" fires back Vee. Poussey asks, "Look, who said anything about being a doormat, man? Shit, I'm my own doormat." What does that mean?
Vee warns, "I am telling you, unless we do something now, this is gonna become the way it is. Spanish running things. And we can't look to the screws for help." When Poussey laughs at Vee's stale term for prison officers, Vee explains, "I'm just saying those girls need to learn some manners." Suzanne supports her, commenting, "I know what you sayin'." Vee asks, "Do you, baby?" Suzanne replies: "Fork on the left. Knife on the right. Little fork on the outer left." Hmmmm...yeah, so that's a no. Still, good for her for locating the correct positioning of the little fork. It can be tricky.
Later, in the waiting room, Cal Chapman (!) and his mom wait for Piper to arrive. Cal takes a look around the room and tells his
Vee warns, "I am telling you, unless we do something now, this is gonna become the way it is. Spanish running things. And we can't look to the screws for help." When Poussey laughs at Vee's stale term for prison officers, Vee explains, "I'm just saying those girls need to learn some manners." Suzanne supports her, commenting, "I know what you sayin'." Vee asks, "Do you, baby?" Suzanne replies: "Fork on the left. Knife on the right. Little fork on the outer left." Hmmmm...yeah, so that's a no. Still, good for her for locating the correct positioning of the little fork. It can be tricky.
Later, in the waiting room, Cal Chapman (!) and his mom wait for Piper to arrive. Cal takes a look around the room and tells his
Oh, thank God you're still in prison!
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mom, "Check out the anti-suicide poster. You think someone tried to do it in, like, right in here? Maybe right where you're sitting?" Predictably, his already uneasy mom reacts with disapproval, "Oh Cal!" Man, I love him. At this point, Piper waltzes in the room and her mother yells out, "Oh, Piper! What a relief." Noticing her mother's unusually emotional greeting, Piper asks, "What?" Cal explains, "Oh, she was worried that you wouldn't be pretty anymore." Ah, priorities. After a warm hug from his sis, Cal points out to his mom, "I told you. She won the fight." A smile on her face, Piper sarcastically confirms, "That's right. I kicked ass. I spent three weeks in solitary confinement just thinking, 'Winner!'" Ha, oh Piper, I do enjoy you.
Mrs. Chapman: "Did Larry come to visit you?" Really, Carol? That's your opening question after not seeing your daughter for a few weeks?! Instead of maybe "How are you?" or "What can we do to help?" Piper answers firmly, "No. And he won't be coming to visit me. I told you. We broke up." Yay! Always good to see that their break up is still intact. Mama Chapman shrugs this off: "Well, his earning potential was questionable." Ha! She is such a gem. |
Cal cuts in, "I was hoping that you would have, like, a gnarly scar. Add character and mystery." Piper says with a grin, "There's still time." I love these two! Unfortunately, Mrs. Chapman wrests control of the conversation back, inserting, "You'll find another man. I can help you." When Piper tells her that it's unnecessary, she insists, "No, I want to." After a long sigh, Piper changes subjects: "Wasn't Neri supposed to come?" Cal reports that she did indeed accompany them, but her background check somehow didn't clear, forcing her to remain in the lobby.
Cut to Neri speaking to a child in the waiting room: "I tell you what I find most disturbing is that it looks almost exactly like my old high school in here. Same cinder block construction, low ceilings, oppressive fluorescent lighting. I wonder if that's intentional. Like part of the punishment? If so, kudos to the government because it's genius!" The father of the child just puts his arm around his kid and they jointly give Neri looks of confusion mixed with underlying fear. So good.
Cut to Neri speaking to a child in the waiting room: "I tell you what I find most disturbing is that it looks almost exactly like my old high school in here. Same cinder block construction, low ceilings, oppressive fluorescent lighting. I wonder if that's intentional. Like part of the punishment? If so, kudos to the government because it's genius!" The father of the child just puts his arm around his kid and they jointly give Neri looks of confusion mixed with underlying fear. So good.
They said I was a 3! Out of 10!
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Oh, shit son! You got burned!
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Back in the visiting room, Piper inquires as to the whereabouts of her father. Her mother unconvincingly gives a vague excuse for why he's not present, and Piper stops her: "You don't have to lie to me. He doesn't want to see me in here." Cal admits, "That's right." Their mom, though, corrects, "No, Cal, that is not right. You can't let her think that." Uh, Mrs. Chapman, your daughter is sitting right there. She can hear you! Cal quietly mumbles, "Well, it's better than the other thing," which, of course, sets off alarms in Piper's head. She demands they tell her what this "other thing" is, but her mother is adamant that she is not to be told.
Cal cracks under his sister's gaze, and he offers, "We agreed that we shouldn't tell you. But you can guess." As her family awkwardly tries to keep the secret in, she starts to freak out, demanding, "You have to tell me what it is, goddamn it!" After this, she starts throwing guesses his way like they are on the Pyramid game show, and Piper locks on to Cal, guessing at rapid fire speed, "Danny? Polly? Larry? (Yay! Polly before Larry) Grandmother? Grandmother's dead! Grand..dying! Grandmother's dying!" Cal exuberantly cheers, "Yes! Grandmother's dying!" while the two of them high-five in victory! I love the Chapman siblings together! And...then reality sets in. Piper's face falls and she lets out a heartbroken, "Oh, no." Aw...Piper.
Cal cracks under his sister's gaze, and he offers, "We agreed that we shouldn't tell you. But you can guess." As her family awkwardly tries to keep the secret in, she starts to freak out, demanding, "You have to tell me what it is, goddamn it!" After this, she starts throwing guesses his way like they are on the Pyramid game show, and Piper locks on to Cal, guessing at rapid fire speed, "Danny? Polly? Larry? (Yay! Polly before Larry) Grandmother? Grandmother's dead! Grand..dying! Grandmother's dying!" Cal exuberantly cheers, "Yes! Grandmother's dying!" while the two of them high-five in victory! I love the Chapman siblings together! And...then reality sets in. Piper's face falls and she lets out a heartbroken, "Oh, no." Aw...Piper.