Published on July 12, 2014
As episode 2.04: A Whole Other Hole begins, Lorna Morello arises out of her bed to start her day like she does all other days - unwrapping her self-made curlers, applying her makeup, and putting on her signature scarf and glasses. Grabbing a pillow, a gossip magazine, and kissing her crucifix, she makes her way out to the prison van to drive Rosa to her chemotherapy treatment. When Rosa gets into the van, helped by Guard Fischer, Morello apologizes, "Sorry, Miss Rosa. It's colder than an Eskimo's nuts in here! I'm trying to get the heat going, but when I turn it up too high, a real bad smell comes out of the blowers. I think it's mouse shit. You know, they live in the engine. Just don't breathe in." Ah, nothing to worry about as long as you don't take oxygen into your body. Easy peasy, Rosa.
Once they get going, Fischer asks Morello, "How's wedding planning going?" How do you think it's going, Fischer?! You specifically overheard her traumatic conversation where she discovered he was marrying someone else. What are you doing? Morello replies, "We're holdin' off for a minute. Just pressin' the pause button. Too many people wanna come, you know? I got a big family. Big, number-wise, not big fat. Although, there are some fatties." Oh wow, how lovely to categorize family
Once they get going, Fischer asks Morello, "How's wedding planning going?" How do you think it's going, Fischer?! You specifically overheard her traumatic conversation where she discovered he was marrying someone else. What are you doing? Morello replies, "We're holdin' off for a minute. Just pressin' the pause button. Too many people wanna come, you know? I got a big family. Big, number-wise, not big fat. Although, there are some fatties." Oh wow, how lovely to categorize family
All right, which one of you assholes is gonna give me a light?
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members as either "fatty" or "non-fatty." Fischer just nods her head politely, pretending to go along with it, and yikes, it is depressing to see Morello making up all these lies to hide the truth.
Rosa asks Morello how much time she has left in her sentence, and Morello tells her, "More than two years." Rosa encourages, "You're still young, pretty. You got your whole life ahead of you." Morello gives an appreciative smile at these words, but when Rosa adds, "Me? I'm going to die here," the mood of the bus definitely takes a hit, and they all fall into silence. We then get taken back in time to Morello pre-prison! She walks into her family's home after watching Twilight for the millionth time. Oh, Lorna, no. If you're going to engage in a film series based off of Young Adult novels - pick Harry Potter or The Hunger Games. There's never a reason to resort to Twilight. |
Morello walks past her baby nephew who is just hanging out in the foyer by himself, when her father immediately starts yelling at her to quiet down so he and his sons can watch television. Her sister (presumably Franny?) tells her it's her turn to take care of her mother as she already cleaned her mother's urine-stained sheets. Oh no, is her mom unwell? Sadly, no further explanation is made. Morello turns to go upstairs, when she notices her baby nephew playing with a pack of cigarettes. She chastises, "Watch your baby, would you? It's a miracle he's lived this long." Yeah, they're not even filtered cigarettes. Come on, guys!
Morello walks into her bedroom, which looks exactly as imagined - West Side Story poster; a wall adorned with ads and pictures about love, fashion, and men; and clothes strewn around the room. Morello looks at her wall of inspiration with optimistic longing, and it's clear that it represents her dreams of getting out of her current situation into a much more romantic world. She grabs her cell phone and calls a company regarding a pair of shoes she ordered from it. Not just any shoes either - Prada. Expensive taste. She tells the person over the phone that her credit card was charged, but she never received the shoes. While she's explaining the issue, she reaches down to the floor to pick up - *gasp - a pair of Prada heels, which are presumably the exact ones she's
Morello walks into her bedroom, which looks exactly as imagined - West Side Story poster; a wall adorned with ads and pictures about love, fashion, and men; and clothes strewn around the room. Morello looks at her wall of inspiration with optimistic longing, and it's clear that it represents her dreams of getting out of her current situation into a much more romantic world. She grabs her cell phone and calls a company regarding a pair of shoes she ordered from it. Not just any shoes either - Prada. Expensive taste. She tells the person over the phone that her credit card was charged, but she never received the shoes. While she's explaining the issue, she reaches down to the floor to pick up - *gasp - a pair of Prada heels, which are presumably the exact ones she's
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claiming she never got. She asks for a refund in full for the pair of shoes, and now, we know why Morello went to prison. Oh Lorna.
In the present, Suzanne is sitting next to her new best friend, Vee, in the cafeteria, giving her as much info as she can on how to get stuff from the outside into LCF. Before they can get very far, they are joined by Poussey, Watson, Black Cindy, and Taystee. Yay, the gang's all here! And they all have new hairdos, except for Poussey. Vee's already changing things around here. When Poussey sits down, noticeably, she's carrying a funnel and a pipe. When asked what it is, Poussey answers, "It's a pee funnel. I'm tired of trying to pop a squat over them nasty-ass toilets." Taystee asks her how it would even work and Poussey explains, "Yo, with this, I can pee standing up. Like a dude. Take this part, put it over my stuff. Take this little tube part, put it in the toilet. Or, you know what I'm saying, right over it. It's genius, yo! I'm gonna call it the 'stand and deliver.'" Ohhh, it's basically a makeshift stand-to-pee (STP) - a device |
Just strap it on and enjoy the ride!
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often utilized by MTF transgender people. Sadly, no one but Suzanne seems too excited by Poussey's invention, and Vee says in disgust, "Please, we're eating." Well, excuse us, Lady Fancypants. I'm sorry if this discussion is ruining your dining experience here in prison.
Taystee: "I don't see why you need the funnel. Like, can't you just put the tube up in you?" Uh, Taystee, do you see the size of that tube? Ow! Besides that, Poussey tells her, "Uh, no, 'cause that's not where the pee comes out." Taystee: "Uh, yeah it do." Black Cindy and Watson side with Taystee, so Poussey decides it's time to educate these fools: "Y'all, there is the main coochie hole and then there's, like, another little hole just for pee." I believe that's exactly how my textbook for health class worded it as well - "main coochie hole" and then "another little hole just for pee." Suzanne, being a vagina connoisseur herself, backs Poussey's description: "She's right. There's an eeny-meeny-weeny-weeny pee hole." When Poussey declares there are two holes down yonder, Suzanne corrects, "Three holes." Huh? Seeing everyone's confused faces, Suzanne yells out, "The butt!" This is too much for Lady Vee, so she gets up and storms out, aggressively asking Suzanne if she wants to come with her, which, of course, results in her scampering after her like an obedient puppy.
Taystee: "I don't see why you need the funnel. Like, can't you just put the tube up in you?" Uh, Taystee, do you see the size of that tube? Ow! Besides that, Poussey tells her, "Uh, no, 'cause that's not where the pee comes out." Taystee: "Uh, yeah it do." Black Cindy and Watson side with Taystee, so Poussey decides it's time to educate these fools: "Y'all, there is the main coochie hole and then there's, like, another little hole just for pee." I believe that's exactly how my textbook for health class worded it as well - "main coochie hole" and then "another little hole just for pee." Suzanne, being a vagina connoisseur herself, backs Poussey's description: "She's right. There's an eeny-meeny-weeny-weeny pee hole." When Poussey declares there are two holes down yonder, Suzanne corrects, "Three holes." Huh? Seeing everyone's confused faces, Suzanne yells out, "The butt!" This is too much for Lady Vee, so she gets up and storms out, aggressively asking Suzanne if she wants to come with her, which, of course, results in her scampering after her like an obedient puppy.
...located between the clit and the vagina, inside the labia minora...
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Taystee: You mean the lil' flappy-flap?
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The other ladies, though, have not finished their discussion of their lady bits, so they relocate to the bathroom for a deeper analysis. And by deeper analysis, I mean, Taystee drops her pants and tries to see what's up in a bathroom stall. Poussey stands outside, while trying to coach her on what she's looking for, but Taystee complains, "It's like too many, like, flappy-flap thingies. How do you know all this?" Flappy-flap thingies - God, I'm turned on. In response to Taystee's question, Poussey admits, "Yo, I've been up close and personal with my share of pussy." Uh...pause. Is this what I think this is? I mean, unless Poussey is a gynecologist outside of prison, me thinks this means she may be into the ladies in some way or another. More information is needed before the community may claim her, though. I'll keep you updated.
When Poussey attempts to explain it further to Taystee, Sophia walks in on this sad version of sex ed and quickly tries to rectify things: "For the love of God, girls, the hole is not inside the hole. You have your vagina proper. Then you have your clitoris. The
When Poussey attempts to explain it further to Taystee, Sophia walks in on this sad version of sex ed and quickly tries to rectify things: "For the love of God, girls, the hole is not inside the hole. You have your vagina proper. Then you have your clitoris. The
Sweet tits in my mouth, I am a player!
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urethra is located between the clit and the vagina, inside the labia minora. For real. I designed one myself. Had plans drawn up and everything. I seen some funky punani in my day." She is just the embodiment of delightful. She hands Taystee a hand mirror and directs her to go check it out for herself. Soon, a gasp comes from the stall, and Taystee yells out, "Oh my God. Holy shit! Yo, y'all, she's right. Aw, it's cute." It takes a real woman to educate these ladies about themselves. Thank you, Sophia!
Over in the suburbs, Big Boo walks into Nichols' cubicle and says in frustration, "Nichols! What the fuck? Why you pickin' all the peaches?" Ugh, Big Boo, can we not be horrifying just once? Apparently, the answer is no. When Nichols denies any knowledge of what she is talking about, Big Boo answers, "Hascowitz? I've been trying to get bumper-to-bumper with that for a month. And now, she feels used and doesn't wanna sleep around because you got there first." Are you sure she just doesn't want to sleep with you because you use the term "bumper-to-bumper" in |
reference to lesbian sex? After Nichols responds in an equally terrible manner, Big Boo warns, "Lay off my marks. Seriously, enough with the cliterference." Oh boy.
Noticing the journal in Nichols' hands, Big Boo grabs it from her and after flipping through it, she exclaims, "Oh my God, I found your fuck book!" Nichols doesn't deny this, explaining, "Some people collect buttons or Taco Bell Chihuahuas. I collect orgasms. See, I'm all about giving. Look, I am like a bean-flicking Mother Teresa." Wow, we are hitting unusually high levels of blasphemy right now. When Big Boo sees Soso's name in the book, she sees an opportunity present itself and tells Nichols, "You know what? This here is my kind of competition." Oh no. It appears we have a lesbian-off, where Nichols and Big Boo are going to both try and sex up Soso. Let me just say this - if two male characters were planning the same competish, I would be disgusted. Big Boo and Nichols do not receive GLBT indemnity for this. My hope: they both lose. I'd much prefer it if they played Mario Kart or Words with Friends instead. Then again, I almost always find that alternative preferable.
Noticing the journal in Nichols' hands, Big Boo grabs it from her and after flipping through it, she exclaims, "Oh my God, I found your fuck book!" Nichols doesn't deny this, explaining, "Some people collect buttons or Taco Bell Chihuahuas. I collect orgasms. See, I'm all about giving. Look, I am like a bean-flicking Mother Teresa." Wow, we are hitting unusually high levels of blasphemy right now. When Big Boo sees Soso's name in the book, she sees an opportunity present itself and tells Nichols, "You know what? This here is my kind of competition." Oh no. It appears we have a lesbian-off, where Nichols and Big Boo are going to both try and sex up Soso. Let me just say this - if two male characters were planning the same competish, I would be disgusted. Big Boo and Nichols do not receive GLBT indemnity for this. My hope: they both lose. I'd much prefer it if they played Mario Kart or Words with Friends instead. Then again, I almost always find that alternative preferable.