Continued from Page 3 of Orange is the New Black 2.04: A Whole Other Hole
Suddenly, we flash back to Morello's trial, where it appears Christopher is taking the stand as a witness. The examining attorney inquires of Christopher, "Please tell the court how you happen to know the defendant, Lorna Morello." Christopher: "We went on one date. I met her at the post office and we had a coffee." Attorney: "And that was the extent of your relationship?" Christopher: "I wasn't interested in pursuing things further. I told her that, very clearly." *GASP What?! Attorney: "And did Miss Morello
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continue to contact you after this initial date?" Christopher: "Relentlessly. Phone calls, Facebook messages, texts, emails. She showed up at my house." Holy shit! While Christopher says this, Morello calmly sits at a table, smiling at Christopher with adoration, like he's recounting the story of how they met.
The attorney asks, "Did you make it clear to her that these advances were unwanted?" "I did," replies Christopher. "And then I began receiving threats. I changed my phone number, my email account, and I moved twice. Each time, she found me." Morello proudly nods her head at this answer, and I'm waiting for her to shake her head and yell that this is a lie. Why am I not hearing this?! Instead, it gets worse: "When I started dating my current girlfriend, Angela, she showed up in Atlantic City where we'd gone for the weekend. She left notes on my car. She threw trash on my lawn. She left voicemails yelling about how I wasn't helping enough with the dog. I don't even have a dog. And then she threatened to strangle Angela. (OH NO!) And that's when I got a restraining order." |
This has been blown way out of proportion. The bomb wasn't very big at all - the size of a melon at most
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Attorney: "Did she ever make an attempt on your life?" Pfft, of course, she didn't. Christopher: "Yes. We found a homemade explosive device under Angela's car." WHATTTTT?!!!?!?! Are you serious, right now?! Morello looks to her attorney, telling him, "Oh, he's being so dramatic. They're twisting this whole story." THAT'S YOUR RESPONSE?! I...I...just don't even know what's real anymore.
Before I can pick my jaw up off the floor, the scene cuts back to the present, where Morello is still lying in the bathtub, asleep. We then hear a door open. LORD JESUS! Lorna, you and I have some things to talk about, but for the time being, GET THE FUCK OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! Wow, caps lock just won't stay off this recap. Christopher calls for Angela, snapping Morello out of her nap, and finally, she makes a good decision - to scramble like shit outta that house. She grabs her clothes and slides out of a window on the side of the house, though not before making a grab for the "Love Lives Here" bear. LORNA - LOOK
Before I can pick my jaw up off the floor, the scene cuts back to the present, where Morello is still lying in the bathtub, asleep. We then hear a door open. LORD JESUS! Lorna, you and I have some things to talk about, but for the time being, GET THE FUCK OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! Wow, caps lock just won't stay off this recap. Christopher calls for Angela, snapping Morello out of her nap, and finally, she makes a good decision - to scramble like shit outta that house. She grabs her clothes and slides out of a window on the side of the house, though not before making a grab for the "Love Lives Here" bear. LORNA - LOOK
Mr. Bear: Oh, for fuck's sake...what...what is even happening right now?
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AT YOUR LIFE CHOICES! She darts around back and makes it into the van, while accelerating away. Holy crap! My heart did not need that. I need pills and soothing music to recover. Of course, neither appear.
Back in LCF, the cafeteria is abuzz with talk of, what else, but the vagina. Piper remarks, "You know, someone needs to get these women a medical book. This is ridiculous." Yoga Jones asks her, "Do you know?" Piper, less confidently: "I mean...generally." Sounds about right. Across the room, Piper sees Soso wandering around aimlessly, looking for a place to sit. Piper yells out, "Brook! Right here!" Yoga Jones requests, "Please don't do that. She's a gabber," but the damage has been done, and Soso is on her way, which means Yoga Jones and Sister Ingalls peace out. When Soso sits down, Boo watches from down the table, waiting for Piper to work her magic. Soso complains, "Everyone in here is in such a bad mood all the time. I mean, like, I always thought women's prison would be more about community and girl power and stuff, but some of these women just seem crazy." It would be so nice if Soso one day |
became acquaintances with planet Earth because she clearly has not met it...at all.
Piper warns her, "It can be a lot worse than that, Brook. It can be seriously dangerous in here. Don't kid yourself." Boo watches Piper setting her up from afar, as Brook completely takes the bait: "What do you mean?" Piper, giving off a vibe of real concern for Soso, tells her, "You're a pretty girl, and you're gonna be a target. I know that I was." Eyes wide with fear, Soso asks, "You mean like rape?" Piper: "Ooh, rape, assault, battery. You need to find yourself a prison wife. Somebody really tough. Somebody nobody's gonna fuck with." Big Boo nods at this, pleased with what she's hearing. "All I'm saying is that one night with the right protector can keep you safe for the rest of your sentence."
Piper warns her, "It can be a lot worse than that, Brook. It can be seriously dangerous in here. Don't kid yourself." Boo watches Piper setting her up from afar, as Brook completely takes the bait: "What do you mean?" Piper, giving off a vibe of real concern for Soso, tells her, "You're a pretty girl, and you're gonna be a target. I know that I was." Eyes wide with fear, Soso asks, "You mean like rape?" Piper: "Ooh, rape, assault, battery. You need to find yourself a prison wife. Somebody really tough. Somebody nobody's gonna fuck with." Big Boo nods at this, pleased with what she's hearing. "All I'm saying is that one night with the right protector can keep you safe for the rest of your sentence."
I don't know you, dude. I'd sell you for a toothpick
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I want my friendship bracelet back, immediately!
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Thinking she sees where Piper is going with all of this, Soso finishes, "You mean you." Shaking her head, Piper tells her, "No, see, I'm not tough. What you need is somebody who inspires real fear. You know, somebody who's kind of man-ish and kind of...bulky, but tender at heart." Oh Piper, you know exactly what the ladies want - someone who is "kind of man-ish and kind of...bulky." After that "flappy-flap" talk from earlier and now this, I need to take a cold shower to keep from being so turned on. Like a bucket of ice water on my loins, Big Boo stands up and goes in for the kill. She approaches Piper and Soso, saying, "Hey, you two. What are we talking about here?" Smooth as ice, Big Boo. Piper looks at Soso with a "Hey, this is a great option" look, as Big Boo adds, "Well, you know, I am feeling so single today." Really? You think that's going to entice anyone to wanna get it on with you? Good Lord, Big Boo. I suck at dating, flirting, or really doing anything that may be attractive, but still...I know to refrain from saying that!
Unsurprisingly, Soso's creep alarm is blaring and she nervously asks, "What's going on?" Piper tries to salvage things, but the proverbial jig is up. Big Boo facepalms and sarcastically asks Piper, "Could you suck any more at this?" Defiant at this accusation,
Unsurprisingly, Soso's creep alarm is blaring and she nervously asks, "What's going on?" Piper tries to salvage things, but the proverbial jig is up. Big Boo facepalms and sarcastically asks Piper, "Could you suck any more at this?" Defiant at this accusation,
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Piper questions, "I suck at this? I mean, look at your ridiculous timing. Clearly, this is not working, so can I just have my blanket back?" Soso clues in and questions in horror, "Were you trying to pimp me out?" Unapologetically, Piper explains, "She took my blanket. It belonged to my roommate. It meant a lot to me. Plus, it is very fucking cold in the dormitories." So, yes, Soso, she tried to pimp you out.
Disgusted by what she just heard, Soso shames Piper: "You are sick, you know that? You are seriously fucked up." Soso walks away from the table, horrified by Big Boo and Piper, and I don't really blame her. Big Boo, in a better mood, comments, "You know, she's right, Chapman. You're a horrible person." Oh, go fuck yourself, Big Boo. Yeah, that wasn't great on her part, but you're worse than her. At times like these, I miss Alex. |
Oh God, these one-arm pullups are so challenging!
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Scared and vulnerable, Soso runs back to her bed to cry about finding out that prison inmates are not always nice people. Who happens to come by right at this time? Who else - Nicky Nichols. Pure dumb luck. Nichols offers a sympathetic ear to Soso, which, of course, leads to the two of them getting down in the LCF chapel, right where Nichols and Morello once sinned. Ah, memories. Unfortunately, Soso's propensity to talk...and talk...and talk...continues whilst Nichols is visiting the land down under. And it's not even like Soso's talking dirty. Oh no, it's just stream of consciousness blather from one bizarre topic to another. Eventually, Nichols finds the only way to put a stop to this. She whips her pants off and shoves Soso's face right in her lady region. Lesbian sex is so romantic.