Continued from Page 1 of Orange is the New Black 2.04: A Whole Other Hole
Over in Piper's room, Soso is talking up a storm to absolutely no one's enjoyment. Guard O'Neill rescues DeMarco and Piper, when he comes in and announces, "Chapman, Soso, happy day in cell block A. You are being assigned." The two of them grab their stuff and follow O'Neill, with Soso's mouth continuing to run. When they enter their block, Piper sees something familiar and comments to herself, "What a bunch of vultures." She grabs a book that apparently had been taken by somebody else when she was SHU-ed. Yup, that'll happen. Fortunately for her, O'Neill drops Piper off at her new bunk, which happens to not be the one that Soso is joining. She mouths a silent "thank you" to O'Neill, and Piper's day is looking a lot better.
I was thinking you might be my new best friend?
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Good luck with that...
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Who is Piper's new roomie? Ex-kitchen dictator and current outcast, Red, who greets her by saying, "Oh no, honey, you're not in here." Piper begs to differ and walks in to drop her belongings on the bed. When Red tells her she may not use the cabinet or hooks on the wall that are on Piper's side of the room, Piper calmly removes Red's belongings from said areas and not so quietly dumps them on Red's side of the room. Piper then stands in front of Red and asks, "What are you gonna do? Not feed me?" Ooooh girl! Cold War 2.0 is on!
Meanwhile, Morello has dropped off Rosa and Fischer for chemotherapy and is sitting in a parking garage until it's over. While doing a "Celebrity Crossword" in her magazine, the song, "Almost Paradise," comes on the radio, reminding her of Christopher and the current devastation. Way to go, radio! Her eyes soon pool with tears as she quietly sings along, but then suddenly, a look of determination appears. She throws down her magazine, picks up the roadmap, and starts the van's engine back up.
Meanwhile, Morello has dropped off Rosa and Fischer for chemotherapy and is sitting in a parking garage until it's over. While doing a "Celebrity Crossword" in her magazine, the song, "Almost Paradise," comes on the radio, reminding her of Christopher and the current devastation. Way to go, radio! Her eyes soon pool with tears as she quietly sings along, but then suddenly, a look of determination appears. She throws down her magazine, picks up the roadmap, and starts the van's engine back up.
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LORNA, NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! NO! NEVER MAKE A DECISION WHEN A SONG FROM THE 1980s IS PLAYING!
Then we flash back! Morello is pulling some mail and packages out of her post office box, when she turns around and runs right into another guy, arms full of mail as well. Colliding, their boxes go everywhere, and they both start to apologize to one another. The guy starts to collect some of the dropped boxes for Morello, and when she finally gets a good look at him, her eyes scan him appreciatively. After some flirtatious back-and-forth, Morello tells him, "Thank you. Thank you..." in an attempt to get his name. He responds, "Uh, Christopher." Ah, hello there, sir. Morello repeats back breathlessly, "Christopha..." She then extends her right hand towards him, offering, "I'm Lorna Morello." He compliments, "Beautiful and Italian. Today must be my lucky day....Well, Miss Morello, after you're done cleaning this place out of postage, maybe I could take you for a coffee?" Lorna gushes, "I would love that, Christopha." Holy crap! Lorna's first meeting with Christopha is the stuff of romantic comedies from the 1990s. It's amazing. Where did it all go wrong? |
How would you like to touch my package?
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In the present, Piper has initiated Operation: Get My Shit Back. She wanders through the blocks when she first sees Leanne reading her copy of Atonement. She says to herself, "Fuck these bitches" and goes in to wrestle the book away from Leanne, who pleads, "No, I'm not done reading that!" Piper tells her, "Everybody dies," and moves on to grab the pocket radio that Black Cindy has in her cubicle. She holds it up and says, "This is mine." Black Cindy denies this, so Piper asks, "Then why does it have my inmate number carved in the back?" Um, Black Cindy, you should have at least scratched off that number, like scratching a serial number off a gun (which is totally illegal and ill-advised by the way). Sloppy, sloppy. Quickly ceding the radio, Black Cindy tells her, "Eh! Fine, Inspector Gadget." Piper informs her, "Inspector Gadget was not a good detective. He just had a lot of stuff. Plus he had Penny and the Brain helping him." To this, Black Cindy warns, "You best get the fuck out now." Smartly, Piper departs.
As a child of the 80s/90s, I must take a moment and state that Piper is spot on about Inspector Gadget. He may be the worst detective ever and should have died pretty much every episode for his buffoonery. Had it not been for badass Penny and Brain
As a child of the 80s/90s, I must take a moment and state that Piper is spot on about Inspector Gadget. He may be the worst detective ever and should have died pretty much every episode for his buffoonery. Had it not been for badass Penny and Brain
If it's yours, why does it have etched in the back "To Dumbass, Love, Alex"? Hmmm...why?
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the dog, plus that SUPAH sweet computer book that Penny had, Inspector Dumbass would never have survived even one of Dr. Claw's attempts on his life. Also, Piper called the dog "the Brain," instead of just "Brain," which I assume means she's thinking of "the Brain" from Pinky and the Brain. 80s/90s cartoon overload! And back to our regularly scheduled programming...
Piper's next stop is at Yoga Jones' bunk, where she finds her wearing her flip flops. Looking shamed, Yoga Jones justifies, "None of us thought you were coming back." That's fair...though, when she did come back, you guys still kept the stuff. Come on now! After Yoga, comes Suzanne, who has the picture of Larry and her on their beach vacation stuck to her wall. More confused than angry, Piper asks, "Really?" Awkwardly, Suzanne asserts, "It ain't about you. I like the beach." Yes...but you can't even see the beach in the picture. Like at all. Piper tells Suzanne, "Keep it," and walks away in disgust. Really? You don't want the picture of when you and Larry got engaged? Hmmm...things really may be over for you two. Finally, Piper comes to Big Boo's cubicle, where Boo is wrapped up in |
the blanket Piper inherited from Claudette. She tells Boo, "It's mine. We've talked about this, and I'm taking it back." Throwing her stuff down on the bed, Boo stands up and challenges, "Really? And how do you suppose you're going to do that?" Piper hesitantly cautions, "I don't wanna have to get physical with you." I assume that's what every sex partner of Boo's says to her right before the deed is done. Big Boo laughs at the threat: "Oh please! I could snap your femur like a toothpick, twiggy. Fuck off." So, I think that's a no.
At this point, Soso interrupts, "Piper! There you are. Hi. Um, so, I heard tonight is movie night, and I don't have headphones yet, so I went to..." "Hey," jumps in Big Boo, her eyes transfixed on the chosen "target" in her and Nichols' competition. "What's your name?" Not interested, Soso turns away from Big Boo, without answering, and continues with her question to Piper, "Um, so, anyway, I guess I just don't understand this Chinese lady at the commissary." Nice move, Soso. While she talks to Piper, Big Boo stands behind Soso, closely checking her out. Ew, stop.
At this point, Soso interrupts, "Piper! There you are. Hi. Um, so, I heard tonight is movie night, and I don't have headphones yet, so I went to..." "Hey," jumps in Big Boo, her eyes transfixed on the chosen "target" in her and Nichols' competition. "What's your name?" Not interested, Soso turns away from Big Boo, without answering, and continues with her question to Piper, "Um, so, anyway, I guess I just don't understand this Chinese lady at the commissary." Nice move, Soso. While she talks to Piper, Big Boo stands behind Soso, closely checking her out. Ew, stop.
Is Big Boo being creepy behind me?
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*Sniff
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Yeah, totes. Make little to no movement and hope it loses interest
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Eventually, Piper hits her Soso limit, as she always does, and orders Soso to leave her alone. Big Boo comments, "Looks like you got yourself a pet kitten." Piper complains, "Oh, I just wanna put her in a bag of rocks and dump her at the bottom of the lake." *Snort Ha ha, oh, Piper, I love you. An idea coming to her, Big Boo proposes, "Hey, you really want that blanket? Maybe we could work out a trade?" Following her line of thought, Piper looks off towards Soso, and clearly, she's not opposed to the idea.