After retrieving Vee's goods, Suzanne runs to deliver them to her. When she enters into Vee's room, she sees Vee and happily walks towards her, but out of the corner of her eye, she espies Piper on her bunk and freezes in fear. She again looks at Piper like she's the Antichrist and runs out of the room in panic. Calmly, Vee follows her outside and asks her what's going on. Suzanne tells her that she saw "Dandelion" and that Piper "hates me. She's dangerous, but so am I." Confused, Vee asks, "Who, that white girl? Oh, man, Suzanne. Listen to me, okay? In my day, Black women ran this place. And I say women, because that's what we were. Women. Not a bunch of little girls running around here with bad attitudes. Now, I see you, you understand. I see you. You're a smart, strong, Black woman." Can I get an Amen?
Hold your head up high!
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*straining neck
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No, that was just a figure of speech. You're gonna hurt yourself
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Suzanne gives Vee the pack of cigarettes and Vee praises, "Everybody else around here underestimates you, but not me. You remember that the next time you run into Dandelion, or whatever the hell you wanna call her. You hold your head up high, you hear me? Because at the end of the day, you are a garden rose, and that bitch is a weed." Oh shit, son! Amazing. Vee, you are a delightful life coach.
Back in the LCF restroom, Nichols and an unidentified female (outside of the marijuana tat on the ass) are going at it in a stall. Big Boo stands outside and complains, "Jesus fucking Christ, Nichols, you gotta work on your technique. No babe ever takes this long when I'm doing her." Lovely, that one. Nichols, in the middle of work, comments, "You know, some nuts are tougher to crack than others." Reiterating her standard technique, Big Boo: "Oh, please, two in the pink, one in the stink. It ain't rocket science."
Back in the LCF restroom, Nichols and an unidentified female (outside of the marijuana tat on the ass) are going at it in a stall. Big Boo stands outside and complains, "Jesus fucking Christ, Nichols, you gotta work on your technique. No babe ever takes this long when I'm doing her." Lovely, that one. Nichols, in the middle of work, comments, "You know, some nuts are tougher to crack than others." Reiterating her standard technique, Big Boo: "Oh, please, two in the pink, one in the stink. It ain't rocket science."
How 'bout you guys just hug to show me you're friends...topless?
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Nor is it poetic. Soon after, Nichols hits the sweet spot and everyone in the bathroom is happy.
Over in Caputo's office, it looks like the administration is finally dealing with the Chapman-Tucky bout of 2013. Both women are before him, and Pennsatucky, in particular, is acting noticeably bizarre. Creepily happy and looking a bit like Monty Burns, she not-so-subtly tries to get one of them to compliment her on her new teeth, but, unfortunately, ends up having to point it out herself: "Well, I got new teeth 'cause she knocked my old ones out." Piper takes this opportunity to state, "Mr. Caputo, I would just like to say that I am prepared to behave like a model inmate, and I feel I no longer pose a threat." Thank you, Candidate Chapman for that very boring speech. Caputo tells her, "Spare us, Chapman. This isn't a beauty pageant. I wanted to see you both so we can put this all behind us. Bury the hatchet...or something with a little less violent history than that particular idiom. From an administrative perspective, you're both found at fault. Case closed." Her eyebrows furrowed, Piper points out, "But she didn't hit me." Caputo: "While I admire your incessant need to be special, Chapman, she did." |
Piper tries to clarify, "No, no, no, no, no, that's not what I meant..." Caputo: "Unless you'd like to explain how else you wound up in the snow with your face bashed in..." Something appears to dawn on Piper, and her mouth opens, but without any response. Caputo tells them, "Seeing as how you're both enjoying the cozy comforts of minimum security instead of rotting away in the SHU, I'd like to assume we're all squared away here, ladies." When neither woman protests this arrangement, he suggests, "Perhaps you'd like to, uh,..hug? To help assure me of your new friendship?" Both women seem displeased with this proposal, to say the least, but Caputo insists, so Pennsatucky stands up first, ready to get it over with.
Not looking directly at her, Piper robotically hugs Pennsatucky with a look of restrained repulsion in her eyes. It's like she's being forced to hug Ann Coulter. Caputo is satisfied and tells them they may go. Once they leave, Caputo pulls out a towel and grabs some lotion. Oh no! I had almost washed my brain of the memory of this desecration from season one. When he unbuckles his pants, suddenly, he stops himself and says, "No." Praise the Lord! God is real!
Not looking directly at her, Piper robotically hugs Pennsatucky with a look of restrained repulsion in her eyes. It's like she's being forced to hug Ann Coulter. Caputo is satisfied and tells them they may go. Once they leave, Caputo pulls out a towel and grabs some lotion. Oh no! I had almost washed my brain of the memory of this desecration from season one. When he unbuckles his pants, suddenly, he stops himself and says, "No." Praise the Lord! God is real!
What's the big deal, Chapman? I heard you like being affectionate with the ladies...particularly when a certain "Milkshake" song comes on...
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Who told you about that?
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I wonder who it could have been...
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After this, we return to Suzanne's youth, specifically 2000, where Suzanne is graduating from high school. Standing off stage, Suzanne is adorned in a cap and gown, while her mom talks to her from behind, encouraging, "You're gonna be great, honey. You did your scale warm-ups?" Suzanne looks stricken with fear when a woman at the podium announces, "And now I'd like to introduce Suzanne Warren, who will be singing a special graduation song." As Suzanne nervously rubs the palms of her hands together, her mom urges, "Come on, sweetie, this is your chance. Go show them how great you are." When she says this, a ferociousness underlines her words, and it seems like years and years of Suzanne's social difficulties have gotten to her, creating a need for her to watch her daughter prove everyone wrong.
Suzanne hesitantly ascends the steps and when the piano begins, Suzanne looks into the unfriendly eyes of the audience and becomes overcome with anxiety. She looks over helplessly to her family, only to see her mother returning her gaze with an intense insistence that she continue. When Suzanne looks back towards the crowd, she screams, "No, I can't! I can't do it, Mom!
Suzanne hesitantly ascends the steps and when the piano begins, Suzanne looks into the unfriendly eyes of the audience and becomes overcome with anxiety. She looks over helplessly to her family, only to see her mother returning her gaze with an intense insistence that she continue. When Suzanne looks back towards the crowd, she screams, "No, I can't! I can't do it, Mom!
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No! Mom, I can't do it!" She breaks down in sobs and begins hitting herself in the head repeatedly, as her parents look on, distraught. Ugh, this is terrible to watch. You know who I blame for this? That beotch, Melanie!
We then quickly cut to the previous year's Christmas pageant where Suzanne suffered from the same issues, preventing her from being able to sing. That time, though, Norma stepped up to sing in place of Suzanne, which allowed Suzanne to come out of the auditorium in a positively gleeful mood. She sings loudly in the hallway and yells, "Ooh, I felt alive with the spirit! Like baby Jesus in the bear suit!" Wait, what? Bear suit? I'm not a Bible expert (though I did take a class on it in college), but I do not remember Jesus in a bear suit. If he was, someone please let me know. That'd certainly jazz up some of the snooze-fest passages. Notwithstanding all of that, when Suzanne is out in the |
Suzanne's mom: Black power!
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hallway, she runs into Maritza and Flaca. Unfortunately, this is not a good thing. Maritza says, "Yo, you know shit is bad when the mute has to save you." Flaca begins to do an impression of Suzanne losing it on stage and they both tease her about hitting herself in the head, which only leads to her doing exactly that. What the fuck, Maritza and Flaca?! Why are you being so mean? It's Christmas and you're wearing elf and Santa hats - how can you be cruel when you're wearing those?! Bear suit Jesus, save Suzanne!