Published on June 22, 2014
As 2.02: Looks Blue, Tastes Red opens up, some familiar faces greet us and I feel like I'm back home. Inmates are sorting through clothes racks, looking for "business appropriate" apparel for the annual job fair competition. Requests and complaints are many: Morello wants something that is white; Nichols is not a fan of the old inmate stench that cloaks each item; and Black Cindy wants something that is made for the "larger woman." Sadly, though unsurprisingly, none of them get what they want. This is prison after all.
I look so good, I may fall into a trance of fabulousness!
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Oh Lord, here I go!
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Sophia is also there, and when she picks a very sparkly top, she asks, "Could somebody help zip me, please?" Nichols tells her, "Uh, I don't think that's gonna work." Sophia: "You callin' me fat?" Nichols denies this: "No, I'm just saying that you're...yeah, you're broad. You're like a broad broad." Nichols, what in God's name made you think that anyone would want to be described as "broad" - particularly a "broad broad"? You're lucky Sophia doesn't come over there and slap you sideways. Fortunately for her, Sophia takes it in stride and laughs it off. Morello, though, is a team player and has Taystee and Nichols help squeeze Sophia into her top. Afterwards, when Sophia looks predictably wonderful, Morello asks, "Out of curiosity, what kind of job were you thinking of gettin' in that?" Sophia answers, "I'm just here playin' dress up." This was the right decision as she looks great and the rest of them look like they're attending a "Women in the Workplace" conference in the 1980s.
In the auditorium, the job fair competish begins and the first round is the judging of their outfits. The candidates are: Sophia, Leanne, Flaca, Morello, Nichols, DeMarco, Taystee, and Black Cindy. What a lineup it is. Of note, Sophia looks like she's going on a night out on the town; Morello looks like - in the words of Santana Lopez - the "fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish"; Nichols looks as if she's going to sexually harass someone any minute; and poor, poor Black Cindy appears to be wearing a potato sack. It's a feast for the eyes.
In the auditorium, the job fair competish begins and the first round is the judging of their outfits. The candidates are: Sophia, Leanne, Flaca, Morello, Nichols, DeMarco, Taystee, and Black Cindy. What a lineup it is. Of note, Sophia looks like she's going on a night out on the town; Morello looks like - in the words of Santana Lopez - the "fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish"; Nichols looks as if she's going to sexually harass someone any minute; and poor, poor Black Cindy appears to be wearing a potato sack. It's a feast for the eyes.
Before and After Mrs. Sackin
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Taystee "Hella Office" Jefferson
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Lorna "On the Good Ship Lollipop" Morello
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Nicky "Wild and Slovenly" Nichols
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The judge, Mrs. Sackin, immediately writes off Sophia's outfit as being "wholly unprofessional." Right after her, DeMarco, Morello, and Leanne get the boot and are berated for their choices in front of the audience. How wonderful for these women. Nichols is criticized for her "serious problems with personal grooming." Oh no. Ma'am, you do realize you're speaking to convicted criminals, right? Sackin describes Nichols' hair as "messy, unpolished, unkempt." Apparently, Mrs. Sackin is unfamiliar with the term "sugarcoating." After she dismisses Black Cindy for her "large burlap muumuu" ensemble, she eventually awards this round to none other than Flaca, which causes Taystee to call "shit to the bull." It's so good to be back with these ladies.
Afterwards in the cafeteria, Big Boo is grabbing lunch, when Maritza asks, "Hey, where's your doggie?" Big Boo's face falls at this question, and she hesitates, "Umm..." Flashback to Big Boo sitting on her bunk feeding Little Boo some peanut butter from her hand, commenting, "You just lick, lick, lick. You like peanut butter, don't you? You like to lick that, don't you? Oh, just lick, lick, lick. Lick...lick." An idea popping into her head, she looks at the peanut butter in her hand and then back to Little Boo going to town...and then the scene cuts back to the present, where Big Boo vaguely replies, "It got weird." Am I to understand that Big Boo...and...peanut butter...and...and...I can't even say the words. What I will say is: Big Boo - y'all need Jesus in your life.
The referenced heathen sits down at a table with Morello, when the now-ostracized Red looks over for a friendly face, but Morello only turns her head, making it clear Red is not wanted. Wow, when Morello shuns you, it's unlikely there's anyone else you can
Afterwards in the cafeteria, Big Boo is grabbing lunch, when Maritza asks, "Hey, where's your doggie?" Big Boo's face falls at this question, and she hesitates, "Umm..." Flashback to Big Boo sitting on her bunk feeding Little Boo some peanut butter from her hand, commenting, "You just lick, lick, lick. You like peanut butter, don't you? You like to lick that, don't you? Oh, just lick, lick, lick. Lick...lick." An idea popping into her head, she looks at the peanut butter in her hand and then back to Little Boo going to town...and then the scene cuts back to the present, where Big Boo vaguely replies, "It got weird." Am I to understand that Big Boo...and...peanut butter...and...and...I can't even say the words. What I will say is: Big Boo - y'all need Jesus in your life.
The referenced heathen sits down at a table with Morello, when the now-ostracized Red looks over for a friendly face, but Morello only turns her head, making it clear Red is not wanted. Wow, when Morello shuns you, it's unlikely there's anyone else you can
Larry, you've got to stop calling me "Daddy" in here
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look to. She tells Big Boo, "It's just still throwing me, you know? Not seeing her in her chef's jacket, you know? It's like when you see a cop in sweat pants in your kitchen after he's spent the night with your sister. Little splooge on the sweat pants and you feel weird about it." Was that supposed to be a relatable story? If I ever see a "little splooge on the sweat pants," I'm not going to feel "weird" about it. I'm going to be horrified. Oh Morello, we come from such different worlds.
From there, we move to a steam room where Larry and his father are spending some bonding time. Larry breaks the silence by asking, "So, where's Piper now?" His father answers, "Still in Chicago, I imagine it. Larry, I wanted to talk about you, not her." Ignoring this, Larry continues, "She staying there? In Chicago? She hates deep dish." His father, in annoyance, replies, "Don't know if she's staying. Don't think she's eating a whole lot of pizza." Before his dad can go any further, Larry cuts him off, "How'd she seem to you?" Mr. Bloom: "Seemed like an idiot to me. I gave her advice, and she didn't take it. You gave her love, and she cheated on you. I'm not a fan, and |
end of topic." If I were Larry's dad, I'd totes be the same way. "Fuck Piper" would be my slogan. Thankfully, I'm not. Larry admits, "I miss her." His dad quickly responds, "Well, then, find a distraction, son. Something that doesn't involve moping around, eating crap, and playing that World of Warlock." Hey, nothing wrong with that! Let's not get judgy, Mr. Bloom. He urges his son, "Go get laid!" Ew.
Larry tells him, "I'm not ready." His dad questions, "For what? For sticking your dick in something new and cute and moving it around? All guys are ready for that." Oh good Lord in heaven! First off, that's your son you're talking to! Secondly, I hope that's not how you really perceive sex to be, because, oh boy, I send my regards to your wife if that's what she's dealing with. The Blooms' streak of awful parent-child conversations continues to go on unblemished. When Larry's dad looks over in the corner, two other steam room participants are getting their nude makeout on, when another group of men enters, penises out. Finally, some gender equality with nudity! I mean...not that penises are my favorite thing to look at, but considering lady bits are flashed everywhere on
Larry tells him, "I'm not ready." His dad questions, "For what? For sticking your dick in something new and cute and moving it around? All guys are ready for that." Oh good Lord in heaven! First off, that's your son you're talking to! Secondly, I hope that's not how you really perceive sex to be, because, oh boy, I send my regards to your wife if that's what she's dealing with. The Blooms' streak of awful parent-child conversations continues to go on unblemished. When Larry's dad looks over in the corner, two other steam room participants are getting their nude makeout on, when another group of men enters, penises out. Finally, some gender equality with nudity! I mean...not that penises are my favorite thing to look at, but considering lady bits are flashed everywhere on
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television, all the time, I'm happy to see some screen time for the peen. Particularly, gay peen.
Taking his father's advice into account, Larry concedes, "You're right. No, you're right. She cheated, right? I mean, she lied. Why am I holding on? Prison changed her. It changes people. I mean, she was not a lesbian anymore. Not with me. You know? Then she's in prison, what, a few weeks? Bam! A lesbian again. Or bi? I don't even know." No, you don't, Larry, so please stop talking. You embody the whiny, confused, hetero dude who just wants things to be black and white. And by "black and white," I mean "gay and straight." He argues, "It was good with us. I know it was. I think. Shit. I mean, what if that was a lie, too? But I don't think it was. I don't think it was. I mean...you know, I know I have some talent. I'm very attentive and thorough, you know? I do good work. I'm not small. You're right. I should get out there. I need to get out there. I'm gonna get out there. I made her come vaginally. Do you know how |
Larry: I don't know about you, but I have a massive erection
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hard that is to do? My point is...I don't even know what my point is anymore." Just when you think Larry has hit rock bottom, he plummets even further downwards into a pile of terrible. Someone needs to do him and us all a favor and take him out back to put him out of his misery. Good grief.
After that disaster, he finally turns to his father, asking, "Why did you bring us to a gay bathhouse?" "It's a nice place. Clean. A shvitz is a shvitz," answers Mr. Bloom. When a loud moan comes from the corner, his dad finally confesses, "I had a Groupon." Ahhh...the things we do for a good deal.
After that disaster, he finally turns to his father, asking, "Why did you bring us to a gay bathhouse?" "It's a nice place. Clean. A shvitz is a shvitz," answers Mr. Bloom. When a loud moan comes from the corner, his dad finally confesses, "I had a Groupon." Ahhh...the things we do for a good deal.
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