Back in prison, the inmates are getting advice on the job search process, as well as receiving their results on suggested careers. One lone man is in charge of speaking to the women, and it is quite a task. Poussey tells him, "I want the kid of job where I could just chill, you know? Chill out, collect a check. Maybe in the sunshine, like on the beach, surrounded by, mmm, beautiful people." That's not a job, Poussey. That's called being a kid with a trust fund who has parents who support their kids "exploring their passions."
Nichols is up next and apparently, "[a]ccording to this aptitude test, I should be a professional athlete, a park ranger, or a
Nichols is up next and apparently, "[a]ccording to this aptitude test, I should be a professional athlete, a park ranger, or a
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correctional officer. Are you at all aware that you just told an inmate in prison that she should become a correctional officer? What the fuck is wrong with you?" Nichols, the man didn't make the results, the test did. It cannot lie. Also, I'd think you'd be a superb park ranger.
Unsurprisingly, when it's Morello's turn, she expresses her wishes for the future, "Well, I just wanna get married to Christopher and have his babies and make the house look nice." Well, that set the feminist movement back a few decades. Thank you, Morello, for that. She does offer up, "Maybe I'll Pinterest. I hear that's a thing." Every time she talks, my ovaries hurt. Then, it's the lovely Suzanne's turn. God, I have missed her. Pushing her aptitude results away, she informs the counselor, "I was hoping to work with mentally ill children. I think I could offer some insight into what they might be experiencing and help them to heal and recover." Aww, Suzanne. You'd probably be very good at that, provided you do not discuss |
I'm not sure if you realize this, sir, but women don't need careers as long as they're married...unless, of course, there's a war and the men are away
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"swirling" and pissing in anger. She adds, "I would also like to work with round objects. Yeah, round things are very pleasing to me." So, I'm going to assume she means breasts and/or supple behinds. I got no argument with that.
Finally, it's Big Boo's turn and she proposes her own career option, "Maybe I can umpire women's softball. Then I could get laid." Uh, I don't know about you guys, but when I was playing softball, my first thought of who I would go home with was not the umpire, but then again, I was 17 years old, so...I wasn't really looking to go home with anyone other than my parents anyway. Hmmm...maybe Boo's right and the softball diamond is the new meet-and-greet place?
Elsewhere, fresh from the gay bathhouse, Larry drops by Pete and Polly's place with a necessity for babies - beer. Yay, Polly! So good to see you, my dear! And, also, your nipples, too. Even better. Seeing these, Larry points them out, saying, "Uh, Polly, your breast is kind of...uh..." Polly waves this off, "Please, they're always out. I'm the UPS guy's new favorite stop." And now, mine as well. Bless you.
Larry smiles at this and brings up a question he's been waiting to ask, "Hey, have you talked to Piper at all?" Polly replies, "No, and you know that. And I know you broke up. And I know she freaked out and got sent to live in a shoe or something, and now
Finally, it's Big Boo's turn and she proposes her own career option, "Maybe I can umpire women's softball. Then I could get laid." Uh, I don't know about you guys, but when I was playing softball, my first thought of who I would go home with was not the umpire, but then again, I was 17 years old, so...I wasn't really looking to go home with anyone other than my parents anyway. Hmmm...maybe Boo's right and the softball diamond is the new meet-and-greet place?
Elsewhere, fresh from the gay bathhouse, Larry drops by Pete and Polly's place with a necessity for babies - beer. Yay, Polly! So good to see you, my dear! And, also, your nipples, too. Even better. Seeing these, Larry points them out, saying, "Uh, Polly, your breast is kind of...uh..." Polly waves this off, "Please, they're always out. I'm the UPS guy's new favorite stop." And now, mine as well. Bless you.
Larry smiles at this and brings up a question he's been waiting to ask, "Hey, have you talked to Piper at all?" Polly replies, "No, and you know that. And I know you broke up. And I know she freaked out and got sent to live in a shoe or something, and now
Polly, why don't you let Finn suckle on my teat for a while? I'm lactating, in case you weren't aware
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she's in Chicago. She fucking hates deep dish." What is with the deep dish hate? Different strokes for different folks, people. In a moment of candidness, Polly: "Look, Larry, she's my friend, and I'll always take her side over yours, and I'll always be friends with her, and who knows how long I'll know you?" Amazing. "But just between us, I think she's being an idiot and self-destructive and stupid, and my sympathies are with you all the way on this one." Oooh, ooh, well, this is interesting. Larry gives her his thanks, but she replies, "For what? I never said a thing. I don't talk about Piper with you. That would be disloyal and wrong." Not necessarily, but we are in dangerous friendship waters here.
Changing the topic, Larry asks, "So, when is Pete back?" With an annoyed sigh, Polly answers, "I don't know. I may not let him come back. The baby is less than three months old and suddenly he has to go on a vision quest in the fucking tundra?" Larry reminds her, "Well, to be fair, he said you told him to go." Polly: "I'm a hormonal moron! I didn't mean it. I didn't think he would actually go." Well, yeah, Pete, you probably should've known better than that. No matter what your wife says, when there's an infant in the house, do not leave. |
Polly practically throws baby Finn into Larry's arms, so she can go take a shower. While undressing, she continues to give instructions to Larry, while he tries not to overtly ogle her breastesses. He leans down to sniff Finn, remarking, "Mmm, he's all new and just happy." Polly pops her head out to assure him, "Yep, don't worry. Pete and I will fuck that right up." That's what parents are supposed to do. It's what gives us personality. And therapy bills.
In the LCF van, Morello is still driver-in-chief, and who pops into the vehicle this time? Pennsatucky, looking pretty damn bad, which is saying something for her. Damn Piper, you did do a number on her. Morello asks, "Where we going?" The accompanying guard informs Morello, "Medical center. She's going to the oral surgeon." Somebody's getting a new set of teef! Leaning back towards Pennsatucky, Morello tells her, "Good for you, Doggett. Congratu-fucking-lations." Awwww, Morello, you're so sweet. Pennsatucky can't contain her excitement anymore and let's out a gruesome smile, showing if anyone needs an appointment with an oral surgeon, it's her. She lets out a heartfelt "thank you" in her glee, and somehow, I'm happy for her.
In the LCF van, Morello is still driver-in-chief, and who pops into the vehicle this time? Pennsatucky, looking pretty damn bad, which is saying something for her. Damn Piper, you did do a number on her. Morello asks, "Where we going?" The accompanying guard informs Morello, "Medical center. She's going to the oral surgeon." Somebody's getting a new set of teef! Leaning back towards Pennsatucky, Morello tells her, "Good for you, Doggett. Congratu-fucking-lations." Awwww, Morello, you're so sweet. Pennsatucky can't contain her excitement anymore and let's out a gruesome smile, showing if anyone needs an appointment with an oral surgeon, it's her. She lets out a heartfelt "thank you" in her glee, and somehow, I'm happy for her.
Errbody who loves a good ciggy, say "Heeeey!"
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*high levels of shade being emitted
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In the LCF auditorium, it's the mock interview leg of the job fair competition, and the special guest who will be interviewing the finalists is a representative from Philip Morris. What a treat...Poussey is watching from the audience and seems similarly enthused, "Man, I thought special guests meant like Mo'Nique or Wesley Snipes or somethin', not some cigarette-hawkin' fuck-nut reminding us that the only people who want to hire felons are already hated by everybody else." Man, I am going to start incorporating "fuck-nut" into my regular vocabulary from hereon out. Black Cindy disagrees: "Nah, see, they ain't so bad. See, people can decide for theyselves if they wanna smoke. The real evil are them companies killin' us without consent. Monsanto. Rio Tinto. Big Pharma, HP, Halliburton." Wow, Black Cindy. Thanks...the more you know.
The interviews finally begin, with Mr. Slovin asking questions of both Flaca and Taystee. From early on, it is clear that Taystee is dominating this competition. At one point, Flaca tells Mr. Slovin, "I think it's important to have close, intimate relationships with your co-workers. It's good for morale, you know?" She says this while squeezing his knee suggestively. Flaca, you do realize we can all see you? You're on a stage! Black Cindy calls out, "Okay, that's like a foul!" I agree. Penalty!
Taystee wraps up the competition with a gracious closing, "Thank you, Mr. Slovin, and may I say what a privilege it would be to work for the Philip Morris Corporation, a company that has remained the largest cigarette manufacturer in the U.S. since 1983, plus has increased its dividends 46 times in the last 44 years. You all tore this market up in the face of a world that was trying to tear you down." Wow, they should hire you to head up their marketing division. Shocking to no one, this locks up the victory for Taystee and she is announced the winner in front of a cheering crowd. She does an exuberant dance of celebration, but quickly, Fig shuts the thing down, saying, "Okay, and that concludes job fair." Well, Taystee, I hope you enjoyed your four-second win.
When Fig books it out of the auditorium, Taystee chases her down, asking, "Hey, so, how do I get a hold of someone about that job?" When Fig says she doesn't know what she's talking about, Taystee clarifies, "A job. I heard you get hooked up with one if you win this thing." Disgusted, Fig chastises, "This isn't a contest. You do your best because that's what you're supposed to do. Why is it so hard for you people to understand? You're like babies. 'Where's my present?' 'Pay attention to me.' 'Give me things.' 'Fix the heat.' 'Build a gym.' I'm not your goddamn mommy. Grow up!" Dear goodness, what is wrong with you, Fig?! You're so mean!
Taystee wraps up the competition with a gracious closing, "Thank you, Mr. Slovin, and may I say what a privilege it would be to work for the Philip Morris Corporation, a company that has remained the largest cigarette manufacturer in the U.S. since 1983, plus has increased its dividends 46 times in the last 44 years. You all tore this market up in the face of a world that was trying to tear you down." Wow, they should hire you to head up their marketing division. Shocking to no one, this locks up the victory for Taystee and she is announced the winner in front of a cheering crowd. She does an exuberant dance of celebration, but quickly, Fig shuts the thing down, saying, "Okay, and that concludes job fair." Well, Taystee, I hope you enjoyed your four-second win.
When Fig books it out of the auditorium, Taystee chases her down, asking, "Hey, so, how do I get a hold of someone about that job?" When Fig says she doesn't know what she's talking about, Taystee clarifies, "A job. I heard you get hooked up with one if you win this thing." Disgusted, Fig chastises, "This isn't a contest. You do your best because that's what you're supposed to do. Why is it so hard for you people to understand? You're like babies. 'Where's my present?' 'Pay attention to me.' 'Give me things.' 'Fix the heat.' 'Build a gym.' I'm not your goddamn mommy. Grow up!" Dear goodness, what is wrong with you, Fig?! You're so mean!
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Whether out of an apology or just self-consciousness of being rudepants in public, Fig quickly offers, "In acknowledgment of your hard work and success, an award of ten dollars will be added to your commissary fund. Enjoy." Don't spend it all on one thing, Taystee! Graciously thanking Fig, Taystee turns to leave the room when she finds newly processed inmate, Vee, waiting by the door for her, with a smile on her face. As the song above warns, be prepared...
Continue to the recap of Orange is the New Black 2.03: Hugs Can Be Deceiving
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