Continued from Page 2 of Orange is the New Black 2.01: Thirsty Bird
Inside LCF, Piper immediately makes moves to get in touch with Alex. When Mazall tells her the next chance they would be out in the yard with Alex's section would be in another week, she spots McRae and formulates a plan. She approaches him with a handwritten note and tells him, "I need a favor." Oooh, this one will cost dearly. "I need to get a note to somebody and I'm not sure what unit she's in. I thought, maybe, you could, um, pass this to her?" He asks, "What does she look like?" "5'9", long black hair...secretary glasses. Her name is Alex Vause," describes Piper. Awww.
Asking the most important question, McRae: "What are you willing to give?" Looking nervous, Piper offers up with hope, "A kiss?"
Asking the most important question, McRae: "What are you willing to give?" Looking nervous, Piper offers up with hope, "A kiss?"
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McRae immediately starts laughing. Even I know that's not gonna fly. Piper begs, "This is important," but McRae ain't budging. So, she ups her proposal: "Okay, with my hand?" Wow, that escalated quickly - from a peck to a handy j in no time flat. Aw, man, Alex, she loves you. McRae is not up for this either, responding, "I'm a predator, bitch." What a catch, this guy. Frustrated, Piper tells him, "Well, there's nowhere for you to violently assault me in private here, so, what do you want?" After he takes a moment, McRae states: "Your panties." Mmmm, lovely. Piper explains, "They haven't given us new ones yet. I've been wearing these for four days." "Even better," replies McRae, with a hungry look about him. Well, at least, it's not something involving you and his sperm. That's a plus, I guess?
Piper reluctantly runs off to depants herself and returns to deliver the goods. She hands them over to McRae along with her letter for Alex, and when he walks off, he takes a giant whiff of his payment. Hope you're happy, dude. Joyce, who just watched Piper and McRae's interaction, comes up to Piper |
You seriously want my stanky uns?
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and yells at her for wasting time with "Gun," while she should be looking for cockroaches. Piper asks, "Gun?" Joyce: "My girl know him from the outside. He kill people for money." Piper, looking much more at ease, tells her, "Oh, I thought he was a rapist. I'm so relieved." She walks away with a lighter step, as Joyce observes, "You fuckin' weird." Lady, that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Later that evening, Piper awakens to Mazall on top of her in the dark of night. Oh, my Jesus. When Piper struggles, Mazall demands, "I need you to tell me what time you were born." Piper attempts to say she doesn't know, but this only results in Mazall taking a big lick to her forehead. Ewwwww! Piper, just tell her! She does: "Eleven forty-two." Mazall: "AM or PM?" Piper: "PM." Mazall: "Where?" Piper: "Connecticut." Mazall gives a sincere "thank you" and returns to her own bed, as if they just had a simple middle-of-the-night transaction. Sweet merciful God, prison is terrible.
The next morning, somehow, Piper and Mazall are chatting in their room. Piper, I don't know how you do it, man. She asks Mazall how she ended up behind bars, and Mazall answers, "I bit my girlfriend's tongue off and swallowed it. Well, that was the beginning of the fall." Holy shit. The "beginning of the fall"? I'd hate to see what the rest of the fall looked like. When the buzzer goes off, signaling that the inmates may leave their cells, Piper books it out of there and heads down to the main floor. While she's looking frantically around, she spots Alex in a cell and she heads straight towards her. Alex presses herself against the bar in excitement to see her. Awwww.
Later that evening, Piper awakens to Mazall on top of her in the dark of night. Oh, my Jesus. When Piper struggles, Mazall demands, "I need you to tell me what time you were born." Piper attempts to say she doesn't know, but this only results in Mazall taking a big lick to her forehead. Ewwwww! Piper, just tell her! She does: "Eleven forty-two." Mazall: "AM or PM?" Piper: "PM." Mazall: "Where?" Piper: "Connecticut." Mazall gives a sincere "thank you" and returns to her own bed, as if they just had a simple middle-of-the-night transaction. Sweet merciful God, prison is terrible.
The next morning, somehow, Piper and Mazall are chatting in their room. Piper, I don't know how you do it, man. She asks Mazall how she ended up behind bars, and Mazall answers, "I bit my girlfriend's tongue off and swallowed it. Well, that was the beginning of the fall." Holy shit. The "beginning of the fall"? I'd hate to see what the rest of the fall looked like. When the buzzer goes off, signaling that the inmates may leave their cells, Piper books it out of there and heads down to the main floor. While she's looking frantically around, she spots Alex in a cell and she heads straight towards her. Alex presses herself against the bar in excitement to see her. Awwww.
Babes! I have an important question to ask you!
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I need you to tell me what time you were born
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Are you freakin' kidding me?
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When Piper gets there, she looks at Alex like she's an oasis in a desert. She starts rambling immediately about killing Pennsatucky, leading Alex to try and calm her down: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. What're you talk...Killed who? What are you talking about?" Piper: "Pennsatucky." Alex draws back in surprise: "What? Pennsatucky's not dead. You fucked her up pretty good, but that piece of shit is very much alive." Huzzah, Piper isn't a murderer! "Pipes, you are many things. Murderess is not one of them." Relieved but also confused about why she's been transferred, she asks, "So, what are you doing here? What am I doing here?" Alex: "For the trial, dumbass." I love their pet names for each other.
Piper, though, still doesn't know what she's talking about, so Alex explains that drug kingpin Kubra is on trial and she and Piper have been brought in to testify against him. Piper almost breaks down she's so happy that she seems to be out of the trouble she thought she was in. With the temporary danger out of the way, Piper remembers where things last stood with Alex: "You hate me. In all of this shit, I forgot that you hate me, but you're talking to me. So, does this mean you don't hate me anymore?" A small
Piper, though, still doesn't know what she's talking about, so Alex explains that drug kingpin Kubra is on trial and she and Piper have been brought in to testify against him. Piper almost breaks down she's so happy that she seems to be out of the trouble she thought she was in. With the temporary danger out of the way, Piper remembers where things last stood with Alex: "You hate me. In all of this shit, I forgot that you hate me, but you're talking to me. So, does this mean you don't hate me anymore?" A small
C'mere and give me some of that Vause sugar!
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smile on her face, Alex replies, "It means that I'm not holding grudges today. I'm happy to see you." Awwww. This is the episode of "aw"s. Touched by this, Piper moves towards the bars to embrace Alex, but before her arms can fully wrap around Alex, a guard yells, "No touching!" C'mon, man! Don't Vauseman block me!
After the failed attempt at a hug, Piper spots a cockroach on the floor of Alex's cell. She yells in excitement, "Oooh, Alex, get that! Get that bug! Oh, it's a slow one and it's a big one. Alex, it's a biggie slow!" Alex looks at Piper, horrified by the present state of her love, and it's very clear that she's lost her lady boner. Alex: "Jesus Christ! The SHU really did do a number on you." You don't even know about her midnight lick last night. Fortunately, Piper refocuses on the more pressing matter, the trial, which Alex says could happen any minute. In a serious voice, she tells Piper, "Listen, we cannot say that we knew Kubra. Revenge is part of his business model, okay? Sick, deep revenge. Disassociate. You never knew him. You never fucking met him." Pollyanna Piper responds, "That |
means lying under oath." Yes, it does, Piper. It also means you'll be alive. Upset, Alex scolds, "Jesus, it is so hard to keep up with what's black and white with you. Kubra is never going down for this. There is no justice, Piper. Don't you know that by now? So, we will lie to protect ourselves...or I will, and I hope you do, too." Alex is definitely not Miss Positivity, but she's not wrong either.
Flashback! Young Piper is sitting with her grandmother having a milkshake when she asks her, "Did you know my dad cheats on my mom?" Wow, who has such unpleasant talks when milkshakes are being had? She concludes, "Yeah, he's pretty much a big hypocrite." Well, I won't argue that. She complains about her mother's non-reaction, but her grandma comments, "Well, now, if you really think about it, could you imagine your mom having any other reaction?" Piper concedes, "No, not really. Are you saying I should've shut up? He's a cheater. That's wrong." Her grandma gently tells her, "Sometimes, it's not a matter of right and wrong. It's about making a choice that will cause the least amount of pain to others, keeping things to yourself, sitting on information and feelings, and living with your secrets." Boy, that is terrifying advice.
In the present, Piper is sipping on a cup of coffee across from Larry Bloom's dad. She gives a moan of pleasure at its taste, telling him, "Wow...decent coffee runs a close second to what I miss most...Larry. Larry is what I miss most." Unimpressed, his dad corrects, "Larry's a 'who,' not a 'what.'" Yikes. Not completely discouraged by this, Piper brings up Hannukah and, at least, gets a somewhat friendlier response, but Mr. Bloom quickly returns to the business at hand. He asks Piper, "Did you ever meet Kubra Balik?" Piper replies, "It was a confusing time." Piper, I don't think you heard the question because your "answer" had no relation to what was asked. When Larry's dad pushes for a real response, she admits, "Yeah. Yes, I knew him."
Flashback! Young Piper is sitting with her grandmother having a milkshake when she asks her, "Did you know my dad cheats on my mom?" Wow, who has such unpleasant talks when milkshakes are being had? She concludes, "Yeah, he's pretty much a big hypocrite." Well, I won't argue that. She complains about her mother's non-reaction, but her grandma comments, "Well, now, if you really think about it, could you imagine your mom having any other reaction?" Piper concedes, "No, not really. Are you saying I should've shut up? He's a cheater. That's wrong." Her grandma gently tells her, "Sometimes, it's not a matter of right and wrong. It's about making a choice that will cause the least amount of pain to others, keeping things to yourself, sitting on information and feelings, and living with your secrets." Boy, that is terrifying advice.
In the present, Piper is sipping on a cup of coffee across from Larry Bloom's dad. She gives a moan of pleasure at its taste, telling him, "Wow...decent coffee runs a close second to what I miss most...Larry. Larry is what I miss most." Unimpressed, his dad corrects, "Larry's a 'who,' not a 'what.'" Yikes. Not completely discouraged by this, Piper brings up Hannukah and, at least, gets a somewhat friendlier response, but Mr. Bloom quickly returns to the business at hand. He asks Piper, "Did you ever meet Kubra Balik?" Piper replies, "It was a confusing time." Piper, I don't think you heard the question because your "answer" had no relation to what was asked. When Larry's dad pushes for a real response, she admits, "Yeah. Yes, I knew him."
Are you high?
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*giggles.......Maybe
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When Mr. Bloom discusses what will happen at trial, Piper asks about her safety if she tells the truth. Mr. Bloom assures Piper that Balik is definitely going to be sentenced to a long prison term, so, "Lying is not an option." Uh, dude, it's not him specifically who is worrisome. It's his people who will exact revenge. Piper brings up that truth-telling wasn't exactly a priority in her family, but Bloom urges, "I wouldn't carry on your family tradition here. This is about crime and punishment and justice. You need to tell the truth." Piper agrees to do so, and it looks like this hearing's going to be very interesting.