Continued from Page 1 of Orange is the New Black 2.01: Thirsty Bird
Eventually, the plane lands and as Andrew Bird's beautiful Pulaski at Night plays, we find out where Piper's destination has been this whole time: Chicago, city of loooooove.
Also, city of prisons. Similar to when she entered LCF, Piper undergoes the initial processing routine - getting her photo taken, being fingerprinted, and, of course, engaging in the good ole' "squat and cough." When it's actually time to enter the main floor of the prison, she's assigned a bunk, but still denied any information to why she has been transferred. As soon as she steps into her new cell, the awaiting inmates immediately start yelling and confronting her. Oh no! One of them yells, "Step off it!" and when Piper lifts her right shoe, we find a smushed cockroach underneath. Ewww, good riddance! Apparently, though, this is not a good thing. Joyce announces, "She killed Yoda."
Understanding that her accidental killing of Yoda is the cause of her new roomies' anger, Piper tries to placate them: "I would be more than happy to replace your prize." But it's not that simple. Another inmate, Mazall, explains, "These nuts...they train cockroaches to run smokes back and forth to solitary, you know? Most of 'em make it one way, if they're lucky, but Yoda always came back." Not believing the ridiculousness she's hearing, Piper tells them, "You guys are fucking with me." She quickly learns that they are not and she has until the end of the week to either replace Yoda or cough up a bunch of stamps for these ladies. Prison is so weird.
Understanding that her accidental killing of Yoda is the cause of her new roomies' anger, Piper tries to placate them: "I would be more than happy to replace your prize." But it's not that simple. Another inmate, Mazall, explains, "These nuts...they train cockroaches to run smokes back and forth to solitary, you know? Most of 'em make it one way, if they're lucky, but Yoda always came back." Not believing the ridiculousness she's hearing, Piper tells them, "You guys are fucking with me." She quickly learns that they are not and she has until the end of the week to either replace Yoda or cough up a bunch of stamps for these ladies. Prison is so weird.
Don't mess with me, beotch!
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Ma'am, I'm not sure if you're aware or not, but do you know you have a spider on your face?
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After Piper is put on the clock to replace the jedi drug mule, Mazall introduces her to their room. When Piper goes over to her bunk, Mazall, nonchalantly, asks, "Gemini?" Piper: "How did you know?" Proudly, Mazall replies, "It's a thing. What's your birthday?" Piper: "June 7th." Mazall: "What year?" Okay, Piper, don't tell her anything else. Or lie. Yes, lie. Piper answers: "Nineteen eighty-one." Horrifyingly, Mazall continues: "What time were you born?" A loud cough from Corrine across the room, accompanied with a look of warning, tells Piper to absolutely not tell Mazall what time she was born, so Piper tells her, "Um, I'm not sure." Good girl. Skeptical of this, Mazall asks, "Your mom never told you your birth story?" Man, the creep factor is high with this one.
Trying to change the topic, Piper asks Mazall, "Are there instructions for making the bed?" Ah, remembering the brouhaha at LCF over how to make the bed - good job, Piper. Mazall, though, does not understand this question, replying, "Have you never made a bed before? Oh, I'm sorry, I don't...I don't watch a lot of TV. Are you famous or something? Or...You're Lindsay Lohan." Good guess. I mean, they're both white bisexual women who were born in the 1980s and who have run into some criminal issues, so,
Trying to change the topic, Piper asks Mazall, "Are there instructions for making the bed?" Ah, remembering the brouhaha at LCF over how to make the bed - good job, Piper. Mazall, though, does not understand this question, replying, "Have you never made a bed before? Oh, I'm sorry, I don't...I don't watch a lot of TV. Are you famous or something? Or...You're Lindsay Lohan." Good guess. I mean, they're both white bisexual women who were born in the 1980s and who have run into some criminal issues, so,
You don't happen to remember the conditions of your mom's uterus at the time of birth, do you?
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hey, there could be worse guesses. Piper confirms that she is not Ms. Lohan, but instead "Chapman." Soon after, the dinner alarm buzzes and Piper makes her way out of this awkward conversation.
Where does she head? To the phones to call Larry. Oh no, is this still happening? His phone goes to voicemail, and she leaves a message, "Hey, it's me. It's Piper." After a weird interruption from another inmate, Piper continues with her message, "Larry, I fucked up. I really fucked everything up, and not in a fun-loving 'Oh, that's so Piper' way, which I know was growing very old, but, um, this is serious, and I'm...I'm not sure it can be made right. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry to have to pull you back into my Tilt-A-Whirl of a life, but I need you to call your dad for me and tell him that I'm in the Metropolitan Detention Center in Chicago. Tell him I need his help. Please, he's gotta help get me out of here." As she ends the call, she looks across the cafeteria and notices McRae from the plane leering at her. Oh no, this is not good. Back in her cell, Joyce is singing A Natural Woman whilst in the middle of a very loud and active session of...well, shitting. She pauses her performance to pester Piper about finding a Yoda replacement: "Get on |
that floor. Make like you one giant, blonde crumb, and grab yourself a fine carachacha now." I'm just gonna go ahead and assume she meant "cucaracha," not "carachacha," and I'm definitely going to recommend that no one correct her. Feeling she has no other option, Piper does exactly as ordered and sits by the door awaiting a potential cockroach. Ew. Of course, this just provides another opportunity for Mazall to mine Piper for more cosmic information. She asks Piper, "Hey, can you call your mom? I really need to know your time of birth." Piper, seriously, just tell her you're adopted and that your records don't give a time of birth!
Mazall's reference to Piper's mom causes another flashback, where a young Piper walks in to the kitchen to where her mother is putting groceries away. Looking sad, she tells her mom, "I really wanna talk to you about something I saw." Uh oh. When her mother gives her her full attention, Piper begins, "Well, the other day, Sara and I went to the movies at Suffolk [...] I...I saw Daddy. He was with someone...a lady someone. He kissed her." Her mother tries to remain as emotionless as possible when she hears this news, but it's apparent that she's in a lot of pain internally. Detaching herself from this, she asks, "What movie did you and
Mazall's reference to Piper's mom causes another flashback, where a young Piper walks in to the kitchen to where her mother is putting groceries away. Looking sad, she tells her mom, "I really wanna talk to you about something I saw." Uh oh. When her mother gives her her full attention, Piper begins, "Well, the other day, Sara and I went to the movies at Suffolk [...] I...I saw Daddy. He was with someone...a lady someone. He kissed her." Her mother tries to remain as emotionless as possible when she hears this news, but it's apparent that she's in a lot of pain internally. Detaching herself from this, she asks, "What movie did you and
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Sara H. see at the Suffolk?"
Confused, Piper answers, "Um, Dazed and Confused, but..." Her mother interrupts, "Piper Elizabeth Chapman, you're grounded." She goes on to punish her for seeing an R rated movie underage and then tells her she's going to call her friend, Barbara, about the neighbor's new paint color for their house. Wow, she lives a frightening life. Kids, make sure that you don't find yourself in the same situation and reacting in the same manner. It's a sign that things have gone terribly wrong. Back in the present, Piper makes her way out into the prison rec yard and immediately starts looking for cockroaches. Boy, has her life gone downhill. A group of women who are huddled together invite her over, enticing, "Come keep warm with us. We rotate every five minutes like penguins." She timidly joins them and is put in the middle. One of the women comments, "Fuckin' penguin daddies are fuckin' men." Well, no, they're, as you said yourself, penguins. "Imagine our baby-daddies staying in one spot. No food, taking care |
I think this jacket might be a smidge too big for me
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of the kids for months all alone in the freezing cold." Someone's been watching Planet Earth.
Piper, unable to keep herself from being exactly who she is, lectures, "You know...emperor penguins are set up for that...physiologically speaking. They have short feathers and an underlayer of woolly down" Oh Piper, you're so you. Catching herself before she gets too far into shitsville, Piper ends with, "But yeah, fuckin' men!" Good girl. Lolly, from earlier, spots Piper and walks up to greet her. Aw, a friendly face. Unfortunately, one of the women in Piper's huddle tells Lolly, "Your voice annoys me. Keep walking." Mean! Lolly doesn't take this lying down: "Fuck you, I'm saying hi to my friend." To this, the woman turns to Piper and accusingly asks, "She's your friend?" I don't like this playground. It's scary. Where are the inmates who play four square and pretend they're Power Rangers? (If any of you ask, "What is four square?" - you need to educate yourself. Best playground game evarr!)
Eventually, Big Meaniepants yells at Lolly, "You have to take that molest-me-daddy voice and go someplace else right now." Putting her hand in Meaniepants face, Lolly responds, "Fuck you, menopause." Andddd, we have a fight on our hands. As Piper smartly backs away in fear, the women brawl with one another until guards come to separate them and disperse the entire rec yard population. Out of the corner of Piper's eye, suddenly, a wild Alex Vause appears! *GASP!
Piper, unable to keep herself from being exactly who she is, lectures, "You know...emperor penguins are set up for that...physiologically speaking. They have short feathers and an underlayer of woolly down" Oh Piper, you're so you. Catching herself before she gets too far into shitsville, Piper ends with, "But yeah, fuckin' men!" Good girl. Lolly, from earlier, spots Piper and walks up to greet her. Aw, a friendly face. Unfortunately, one of the women in Piper's huddle tells Lolly, "Your voice annoys me. Keep walking." Mean! Lolly doesn't take this lying down: "Fuck you, I'm saying hi to my friend." To this, the woman turns to Piper and accusingly asks, "She's your friend?" I don't like this playground. It's scary. Where are the inmates who play four square and pretend they're Power Rangers? (If any of you ask, "What is four square?" - you need to educate yourself. Best playground game evarr!)
Eventually, Big Meaniepants yells at Lolly, "You have to take that molest-me-daddy voice and go someplace else right now." Putting her hand in Meaniepants face, Lolly responds, "Fuck you, menopause." Andddd, we have a fight on our hands. As Piper smartly backs away in fear, the women brawl with one another until guards come to separate them and disperse the entire rec yard population. Out of the corner of Piper's eye, suddenly, a wild Alex Vause appears! *GASP!
Supercunt!
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It is I, Supercunt! What damsel in distress is in need of my services?
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Piper screams, "Alex!" across the yard and from afar, Alex's head turns in recognition. As soon as Alex sees Piper, she starts to walk towards her, but a guard blocks her path, forcing her back into the prison, while Piper is also being corralled away from her. So, the two of them silently stare at one another as they are being separated, their desperation to reconnect evident on both their faces. This is some epic love story shit, man.