Published on June 1, 2014
Here we are: 1.13: Can't Fix Crazy, the finale of the first season of Orange is the New Black. For a while now, the tension around Piper Chapman has been mounting, regarding her roller coaster relationships with Alex Vause, Larry Bloom, and even Pennsatucky. By the end of 1.12: Fool Me Once, Larry issued an ultimatum to Piper: get married or get gone, and even more distressing, Pennsatucky had told her followers that she had only one thing left to do to deal with Piper: kill her. As Rufus Scrimgeour says: "These are dark times." (Nerd Alert!)
Fortunately for us, the episode opens amongst the lighter times, where Sophia and Sister Ingalls are holding auditions for the Christmas pageant. And like every audition period for any talent show ever, this one is a complete shit show. We witness Murphy
Fortunately for us, the episode opens amongst the lighter times, where Sophia and Sister Ingalls are holding auditions for the Christmas pageant. And like every audition period for any talent show ever, this one is a complete shit show. We witness Murphy
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doing the moonwalk, Nichols telling the classic penguin/eggplant joke, Chang doing some kind of scarf dance to rap music, Leanne doing bizarre animal impressions, Morello singing in a voice that is similar to distressed cats in heat (see to the right), Big Boo doing a jazz rendition of "God Rest You Merry Gentlemen," Yoga Jones doing a very timid version of "Joy to the World," Black Cindy beat boxing to "Jingle Bells," Maritza and Flaca doing a standard straight girl choreographed dance with an underlying lesbian tinge to it, DeMarco performing a pre-50s "Jingle Bells," Taystee singing a soulful "Go Tell it on the Mountain," Pennsatucky reciting from the Bible, and best of all: Suzanne Warren performing a flawless ice skating exercise...on the wooden stage.
Sadly, Piper is absent from the auditions and instead is chasing down Healy in the LCF hallway. She asks for a "marriage request form." Oh no. Larry's shitty gun-to-the-head marriage proposal apparently worked. Healy, though, is having none of it: "Marriage is a privilege. You are not entitled to it. And to use one of your own delightful phrases, 'Go fuck yourself.'" Ouchies. So, that's a "no." At the home of Piper's future in-laws, Larry is popping in to deliver the good news about his and Piper's impending nuptials. Or rather, |
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the news. He tells his unsuspecting parents, "At the end of our talk, we decided that we were gonna get married right away, while she's still in there. As soon as possible. So..." He leans back in his chair, looking satisfied with himself, but his parents look like he just told them he has cancer. A large abyss of silence sits between them before his mother starts in, "Why are you rushing this?" Larry explains, "I want to know that we are committed and that our commitment is taken seriously." His dad tells him, "So, take it seriously. You need a paper for that?" Good point, Papa Bloom. He continues, "The point is that Piper is spending a year in an institution. You can't tell what she's gonna be like when she gets out or when she gets out, for that matter. Things are arbitrary in there. You give someone the wrong look on the wrong day..." as he makes a slashing gesture across his throat.
Frustrated by his parents' lack of support, he asserts, "I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, in all her ways." His mom comments, "She's had some interesting ways so far. Girl ways. Boy ways. Drug ways." Larry, you set yourself up for that one. His dad takes another approach: "I get it, Larry. She's a natural blonde. She's exotic for you, but exotic is for pets and vacations. It's not for making a life." Larry takes offense to this, but his dad asks, "Does she share your values? Will she be a good mother? Does she make you feel good about yourself?" With hesitation, Larry answers, "I think so." His mom immediately shoots back, "What, you can't remember?" Snort, ha ha, well-earned.
Frustrated by his parents' lack of support, he asserts, "I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, in all her ways." His mom comments, "She's had some interesting ways so far. Girl ways. Boy ways. Drug ways." Larry, you set yourself up for that one. His dad takes another approach: "I get it, Larry. She's a natural blonde. She's exotic for you, but exotic is for pets and vacations. It's not for making a life." Larry takes offense to this, but his dad asks, "Does she share your values? Will she be a good mother? Does she make you feel good about yourself?" With hesitation, Larry answers, "I think so." His mom immediately shoots back, "What, you can't remember?" Snort, ha ha, well-earned.
Mrs. Bloom: Why did we have Larry?
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I don't know. It was a terrible mistake
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Larry continues to give piss-poor answers and his parents continue to verbally maul him. Mama Bloom finally proposes, "Why don't you just wait until she gets out? See if you're still compatible. Spend some time. Larry, why are you in such a hurry? [...] What, are you afraid she's gonna meet someone else?" Without an answer other than a sigh, Larry looks away, and boy, did that go terribly for him.
Back in the LCF library, Alex walks in to find Piper at a desk researching prisoners' rights. Uh oh. Alex teases, "Well, if it isn't the invisible woman. One intense talk about the future and you disappear on me. Not a shocker, but I had gotten my hopes up." Oh Alex, this sarcasm will be painful in retrospect. In stark contrast to Alex's playful nature, Piper is disconcertingly serious. After a long pause, Piper says softly, "I'm getting married." Alex: "You've been getting married since before you got here. This is not news. Say what you really mean." Even more quietly, Piper confesses, "I pick him. I pick Larry." (*long sigh) Alex takes a moment to absorb this blow before she tells Piper, "Of course, you do." The pain she is feeling is evident on her face.
Back in the LCF library, Alex walks in to find Piper at a desk researching prisoners' rights. Uh oh. Alex teases, "Well, if it isn't the invisible woman. One intense talk about the future and you disappear on me. Not a shocker, but I had gotten my hopes up." Oh Alex, this sarcasm will be painful in retrospect. In stark contrast to Alex's playful nature, Piper is disconcertingly serious. After a long pause, Piper says softly, "I'm getting married." Alex: "You've been getting married since before you got here. This is not news. Say what you really mean." Even more quietly, Piper confesses, "I pick him. I pick Larry." (*long sigh) Alex takes a moment to absorb this blow before she tells Piper, "Of course, you do." The pain she is feeling is evident on her face.
Now, by "laundry only on my specific day," you don't mean when I get like a really bad stain, right? Baby?
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Piper offers in consolation, "I love you, too." Oh, fuck you, Piper. "But we both know I don't have the balls to free fall through life with you." Alex agrees, "No, you don't." Piper's eyes fix on Alex's face longingly and she tells Alex, "At least, I made a decision, right? Aren't you proud of me?" Guh. Alex shakes her head, replying, "Piper...Fuck you." Well, we knew that was coming. "Listen, yes. You have made a decision. So, here is what it means going forward. You may not come running to me again. Not with your problems. Not with your love. Not with your need or sadness or anger, or even your laundry when it's not specifically your laundry day. You may never come to me again. Ever." For evah evah? Evah evah? Yup, she means for ever ever. Vauseman, round 2, is now over. In the cafeteria, Nichols is setting up "Secret Santa" for their white lady group. She tells Big Boo and Morello that she's throwing Alex in the mix. She asks them whether she should add Piper. Quickly, Morello approves the add, reasoning, "I think she'd give good gifts." Smart girl. I don't need to like a person as long as they give good gifts. Big Boo, though, is not on board with Vauseman joining the Secret Santa group, saying they aren't like family. Eventually, |
Nichols steps in and makes an executive decision: in the spirit of the holiday, Vauseman is in!
In the next scene, we find Piper in Asst. Warden Figueroa's office. This is going to be interesting. Fig seems unusually friendly, starting off by wishing Piper "Happy holidays!" Mmhmm. "You are a first time offender with a short sentence, and you're white." You are correct, ma'am. She goes on to describe some of the programming LCF has for its inmates, like Piper's a prospective student on a university tour. Eventually, she gets to the point and brings up a certain radio show that led to a letter-writing campaign against LCF. Understanding the purpose of the meeting, Piper says, "Oh, this is about Larry's radio thing." Oh yeah, it is. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Fig tells Piper, "So, here's what I need from you. On the off chance that there's a follow-up storytelling, it would be great if your husband could be better informed about all we're trying to accomplish here. Here's a list." She hands over some talking points that clearly have been prepared far in advance of this discussion.
In the next scene, we find Piper in Asst. Warden Figueroa's office. This is going to be interesting. Fig seems unusually friendly, starting off by wishing Piper "Happy holidays!" Mmhmm. "You are a first time offender with a short sentence, and you're white." You are correct, ma'am. She goes on to describe some of the programming LCF has for its inmates, like Piper's a prospective student on a university tour. Eventually, she gets to the point and brings up a certain radio show that led to a letter-writing campaign against LCF. Understanding the purpose of the meeting, Piper says, "Oh, this is about Larry's radio thing." Oh yeah, it is. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Fig tells Piper, "So, here's what I need from you. On the off chance that there's a follow-up storytelling, it would be great if your husband could be better informed about all we're trying to accomplish here. Here's a list." She hands over some talking points that clearly have been prepared far in advance of this discussion.
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In an eerily calm tone, Piper assures Fig, "Of course. I would be happy to make sure he's up to speed. I mean, that would only serve all of us, right? But, you know, I'm not the only one who's been talking to Larry. Counselor Healy has spoken with him. He called to tell him I was having a lesbian affair with another inmate."
"Oh, good Christ," exclaims Fig in disgust. Piper, though, seizes the opportunity before her and tells Fig, "No, no, that's okay. It's probably just another case of misinformation." Fig, seeing where this is going, asks, "What's your angle, Chapman?" "You know, you keep referring to Larry as my husband, but we're not married yet, though, we do hope to be. So...that means I need a marriage request form, and, of course, your approval. And I would be happy to make sure that my new husband is up to speed with all of the great work you're doing here at Litchfield." Oooh, man, these ladies are bad mofos. Fig promises something will be arranged, and this meeting of manipulative alpha females is now |
Your breasts just look like handfuls of deliciousness
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adjourned.
Back by the kitchen dock, Nichols visits Norma and Murphy to let them pick out who they will be "Secret Santas" to. While she's back there, she asks them how the newly ousted-from-the-kitchen Red is doing. They both express concern for Red's state of mind and urge Nichols to talk to her and try and pull her out of her depression. Reluctantly, Nichols agrees to do so and finds Red heating up some Cup Noodles by her lonesome. Nichols instructs her to pull a name out for Secret Santa, but Red answers, "Not this year, Nicky. I'm not in the mood." Oh, come on, grumpy pants! It's Secret Santa! Super funsies! (Unless you get a bad secret Santa - which is the worst)
Red is more focused on something else - the new regime in the kitchen. She asks Nichols in a whisper, "So, how was breakfast?" Trying to downplay how well it had gone over, Nichols reports, "Spicy. And my potatoes were cold. I heard that someone found a long black hair in her eggs, but it went unconfirmed." This is not what Red was hoping for and she gives Nichols the saddest little Russian look. Soon, though, her sadness turns to racism: "They all work in kitchens now, don't they? They pop out of a trunk of a car and learn to fry an egg. God bless America." I'd suggest that LCF not make Morello and Red the welcoming committee for any Latina inmates. Fortunately, Nichols stands up for Gloria, the new head of the kitchen, reminding Red that it's not her fault she got bumped from her job. She forces a Secret Santa name into Red's hand and tells her to tough things out. If anyone can, she can.