Continued from Page 2 of Orange is the New Black 1.13: Can't Fix Crazy
The next day, while Piper is lying atop her bed, Big Boo peeks in and greets her, "Merry Christmas, Chapman." Piper reminds her that it's not Christmas yet, but Big Boo answers, "Yeah, well, it came early for you this year." She pulls a wrapped gift out of her waistband and hands it to Piper, encouraging, "There you go. Go on, you big ho, ho, ho." Piper unwraps the gift and inside is the infamous screwdriver that was the center of the "missing tool" debacle and also Big Boo's private time. Piper hides it inside her shirt, and, now, she's at least got a way to fight back. Whether this is a good idea or not...

Over by Alex's bed, Nichols comes in to show Alex her Secret Santa gift for Morello: a collage of wedding/marriage-themed items. Awww, Nichols, you care. Alex observes, "You put a lot of work into that. Who knew you were so fucking thoughtful? Jesus." She notes the Nichols-esque groom on the collage and asks, "What happened to that iron-gate keeping your heart shut?" Seeing she's being called out, Nichols puts up a very small fight before taking a seat beside Alex on the bed, who is putting multicolored beads on some wire.

Nichols asks, "What are you doing there?" Alex holds up the wired beads to Nichols' head, answering, "Making you a pair of earrings." Nichols yells at her for revealing who she is Secret Santa to, but it doesn't matter. Alex looks at the earrings and admits, "These suck." Uh, yeah, they kinda do, but it's the thought that counts!

Nichols turns her head to peer at Alex. After a moment, she says, "Hey, I think I know what I want for Christmas." She presses her
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I swear this screwdriver smells like someone's lady region
hand against Alex's inner thigh, and when their hands join, Nichols quietly slides her hand underneath Alex's waistband and further south. Blocking their illicit activity with Morello's collage, the two of them engage in a little open air sexytimes. Merry Christmas, Vichols!

While one half of Vauseman is healing her break-up wounds through some hands-on therapy. the other is trying to reconnect with her fiancé. Piper is on the phone with Larry, informing him, "I got the marriage form. It's all filled out...if I make it." When Larry inquires as to what she means by this, Piper explains, "Someone's trying to kill me - a Christian meth head." Larry accusatorily responds, "Someone else is trying to kill you?" Piper tells him that it's not her fault, but Larry does not want to hear it: "It just happened? It happened. The drama happened to find you. Like it always does. 'Cause you need it." Well, Alex's words clearly got to him.

Speaking of their showdown, Larry finally mentions, "I met Alex." Taking a moment to absorb this, Piper calmly asks, "What do you mean you met Alex?" Larry: "I wanted to tell her to stay away. I wanted her to see that I was a real person that she was 
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Man, Alex is so much cooler than me
hurting, but actually, Piper, you were the one that was doing all the hurting." Panicking, Piper tells him, "Whatever she said is a lie, Larry. She's a crazy manipulative liar. This is unbelievable. I can't believe you didn't trust me to handle this on my own." Feeling no remorse, Larry admits, "No, I didn't. I didn't, and doesn't that say so much? I can't be on your ride anymore, Piper. I don't think we share the same values. Why was I in such a hurry? Because I was afraid. You shouldn't be with someone out of fear." Agreed. Interesting how Larry is parroting back the words of his parents and Alex against Piper.

Almost too scared to speak, Piper pleads, "No. No. No, no, no." Larry shakes his head and tells her, "I'm sorry. I... Bye, Piper." Piper's bottom lip is trembling, and she continues, "No. Larry," but he ends the phone call. Beginning to hyperventilate, Piper backs up against the wall, telling herself, "No. No." Right or wrong, the timing does suck for Piper. She needs a night of drinking and Disney movies to help with this shiz. Also, a dead Pennsatucky.

Immediately following this, Piper does, what else, but run to find Alex,
who is still with Nichols post-sexytimes. She comes around the corner and yells out, "Alex!" "Are you kidding me? Get out. Get out! No fucking way. Get out!" demands an unsympathetic Alex. Piper looks at her with the epitome of "puppy dog eyes," but Alex doesn't yield. Instead, Nichols adds, "You heard the lady." Hey, man, stay out of this, Nichols. Piper, on the precipice of a full-blown breakdown, stumbles out of the room, while Alex looks on with sadness. Man, I don't blame Alex at all, and Piper was totes a d-bag for trying to turn Larry on Alex minutes before and then seeking comfort with her, but still...to see Piper being turned away from everyone and anyone, even when it's her own fault, makes me feel sorry for her. Now, if Pennsatucky wasn't threatening her life, I might say, "You made your bed. Now, lie in it," but, unfortunately, she does have a right-wing extremist gunning for her. Prayer circle for Piper Chapman!

After all of this drama, it's time for the Christmas pageant, and it seems like almost everyone is in the auditorium for it. Piper takes a seat...by herself, much like she had to do when she first got to LCF. During the pageant, we discover a number of things, including: 1) Poussey, Black Cindy, and Taystee are LCF's version of Destiny's Child - very talented and Poussey is Beyoncé; 2) Morello may be the worst person to play Mother Mary ever...in the history of ever; and 3) while Suzanne has no problem pissing while others watch, she does have a problem singing when others watch. Go figure.
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And then baby Jesus said, "Merry Christmas and screw non-white people!"
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Mary said what?
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It's going down! I'm yellin' timberrrr!
During the pageant, Piper becomes overwhelmed and gets up to leave. Pennsatucky, an angel in the pageant, sees her opportunity and makes a quiet exit as well. Oh no...When Piper goes outside, seeking fresh air, Pennsatucky comes right out after her. Seeing this, Piper warns, "You do not wanna fight with me right now, crazy. You do not." Hmm, I don't know if I'd call her "crazy" to her face. That always tends to trigger people who are actually crazy, such as Ms. Tucky. Stopping her in her tracks, Pennsatucky pulls out a wooden cross that has a very stabby point on its end. She tells Piper, "I wanna end you right now." At this point, Healy walks out and Piper calls to him, "Mr. Healy! Mr. Healy! Mr. Healy! She's trying to kill me!" He looks at her menacingly and slowly walks inside, without saying a word. That's it! He is no longer some idiotic bumbling counselor. He's pure evil.

Knowing Piper's only rescue just turned her back on her, Pennsatucky laughs and begins to lunge at Piper with the cross. Piper digs into her clothes and finds her "Secret Santa" screwdriver inside. Turning to Pennsatucky, she confronts her with her new-found weapon, demanding, "You back the fuck off me!" Pennsatucky shakes her head: "You think I'm scared of you? Do you? I'm not scared of you 'cause I got God by my side." With this, she slashes at Piper, knocking the screwdriver out of her hand, and opening up a gash in Piper's hand. As Piper looks in shock at the blood pouring from her, Pennsatucky continues to say even more insane extremist dribble, justifying her actions: "You're the devil, and I'm the angel of God. I mean, look at my dress! Have you seen it? How's that for poetry?" At this point, Pennsatucky's actions and statements are so outside the bounds of rationality that it's absolutely terrifying.
She had it coming. She had it coming. She had it coming all along!
Pennsatucky tells Piper, "'Cause God loves me. He don't love you 'cause you ain't worthy of God's love. You ain't worth of nobody's love." After this last statement, Piper's jaw tightens and the metaphorical switch has been flipped. Pennsatucky announces, "So, I think it's time that you die." She advances towards Piper and thrusts the cross towards her, but Piper screams, "No!" and kicks her right in the vaj (Hat tip to Black Cindy, Poussey, Watson, and Taystee!). She drops a hard elbow on the back of Pennsatucky and jumps on top of her when she falls. Like a woman possessed, she starts brutally punching the shit out of Tucky, over and over, as blood splatters on the snow beside them. It's very "Ralphie beating up Tarkus" à la A Christmas Story. The screen fades to orange as Piper continues to pummel her, and I'm wondering if Piper's not going to have a murder charge when the show returns. What better way to celebrate Jesus' birthday than beating the living hell out of the angel from a nativity scene? Right? Happy Birthday, Jesus and congrats to Piper for not dying! See you next season!

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