Continued from Page 1 of Orange is the New Black 1.13: I Can't Fix Crazy
In the bunks, Piper and her new roommate, Taystee, walk back into their cubicle post-head count when Taystee tells Piper, "Heard you broke up with your girl." Aww, it's as if she cares. "You feel bad?" Piper answers, "I feel like I did what I needed to do." That's kind of cold. Taystee asks, "She mad?" Piper answers in the affirmative, so Taystee questions further, "Mad enough to leave a dead rat on your locker?" The camera turns to reveal exactly as Taystee described - a super deadzo rat atop a cabinet.
Man, I look so hot in these socks and sandals. Alex is gonna regret letting me go
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Piper jumps up from her bed in horror, shrieking, "What the fuck?!" She quickly dismisses Alex as a suspect in the incident, but does ask Taystee, "Do you think that that thing just crawled up here and died?" Yes, Piper, the rat had been diagnosed as terminal and after saying his goodbyes to his family, he decided to use his last bit of strength to climb your cabinet - a 90 degree vertical ascent at that - and dramatically fling his expiring body on to the top of your locker. That's perfectly logical.
Taystee examines the crime scene and discovers a message underneath the deceased's body: "Your gonna die. Amalekite." Word to the wise - if you're going to threaten me, at least, have the decency to use proper grammar when you do so. If your threat confuses the your/you're or their/they're/there distinction, I won't even acknowledge it. I deserve better than that. As Taystee says, "But this ignorant bitch-ass shit." She calls over Black Cindy to decipher the meaning behind the use of "Amalekite." It's good to have experts on site. When Black Cindy hears the word "Amalekite," she warns, "Oh, they real baddies |
in the Bible. Attackin' errbody. Preying on the weak and shit. A war tribe. Ooh, in Samuel, God told Saul to kill 'em all. Utterly destroy them motherfuckers. That what God say. Even the babies. Even the cows. They so bad their cows had to die." I don't know about you, but I would pay money to have Black Cindy teach me about the Bible.
Piper surmises that Pennsatucky is behind this and she decides, "I have to tell someone." Taystee and Black Cindy argue against this idea, telling Piper she'd just end up getting herself sent to SHU for her "own protection." What do they suggest? Black Cindy: "You gotta handle this yourself. Straight up. Cut." Somehow this isn't clear enough for Piper, and she asks, "Well, what am I supposed to do?" Black Cindy: "Kill that motherfucker! Out." Hmmm...that seems a bit much. Can we have a brainstorming session and try and come up with alternatives to murder? Anyone? Anyone?
At lunch, Piper has been generously allowed to sit with Taystee and Black Cindy, along with Poussey and Watson, who are schooling her on the Tucky situation. Piper begins by theorizing, "Maybe she's just trying to engage me. She says that thing about the Amalekites, piques my interest, and then she can get me to go to Bible study group." Dear God, Piper, what is wrong with you? Who threatens death with a dead rat to "pique" someone's interest? Poussey sarcastically replies, "Yeah, 'You gonna die' was really vague. Like totally open to interpretation." Ha, yes! Piper needs these ladies. Watson tells her straight up, "You know that tweakhead is coming for you. You better prepare." Black Cindy adds, "All right, listen. Chick steps up, kick her straight in the cooch. Hurts just as much on girls as it do on guys" True story, Black Cindy.
Piper surmises that Pennsatucky is behind this and she decides, "I have to tell someone." Taystee and Black Cindy argue against this idea, telling Piper she'd just end up getting herself sent to SHU for her "own protection." What do they suggest? Black Cindy: "You gotta handle this yourself. Straight up. Cut." Somehow this isn't clear enough for Piper, and she asks, "Well, what am I supposed to do?" Black Cindy: "Kill that motherfucker! Out." Hmmm...that seems a bit much. Can we have a brainstorming session and try and come up with alternatives to murder? Anyone? Anyone?
At lunch, Piper has been generously allowed to sit with Taystee and Black Cindy, along with Poussey and Watson, who are schooling her on the Tucky situation. Piper begins by theorizing, "Maybe she's just trying to engage me. She says that thing about the Amalekites, piques my interest, and then she can get me to go to Bible study group." Dear God, Piper, what is wrong with you? Who threatens death with a dead rat to "pique" someone's interest? Poussey sarcastically replies, "Yeah, 'You gonna die' was really vague. Like totally open to interpretation." Ha, yes! Piper needs these ladies. Watson tells her straight up, "You know that tweakhead is coming for you. You better prepare." Black Cindy adds, "All right, listen. Chick steps up, kick her straight in the cooch. Hurts just as much on girls as it do on guys" True story, Black Cindy.
I thought I would write a nice haiku to fix things
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Dis bitch
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She a dead white girl walking...
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Girl, just hit her in the business!
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Get up in there!
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Ewwww...
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Taystee joins in, instructing Piper, "Yeah, yeah, but if you punchin', you go for the nose. Biff, swap! You know what I mean?" Black Cindy: "I still say the pookacha. Shot to the twat!" I concur. Vag hits are disabling. Standing up, Poussey demonstrates her suggested move: "Yo, then, when she doubled over, elbow straight to the back. Bitch out!" Do not mess with any of these women. They are ready and they are coming for ya. Piper, though, thinks they are just playing around, so she asks them, "Okay, come on, you guys. Come on. With Red, I just had to come up with a creative solution, so maybe we should think along those lines. Figure out something she really needs. What is something she really needs?" Simultaneously, the women answer, "New teeth!"
Over in the auditorium, Nichols, Morello, Vause and Big Boo are setting up for the Christmas pageant, when Alex pushes, "Come on, Lorna. Tell us who you got!" She refuses: "It's a secret!" Big Boo laughs at her response, mocking, "Some secret. You just got finished asking me what my favorite color is and if my feet get cold." At this, Morello stands up and sternly admonishes, "If I was making you slippers, which I am not, I wouldn't be anymore. So, you just get used to having cold feet that ain't magenta!" She throws the garland around her neck to the ground and storms out. Well, that was a proportionate reaction. Big Boo looks at Nichols after this outburst, telling her, "Wow. Please start fucking her again." Nichols answers, "Yeah, you only get one chance
Over in the auditorium, Nichols, Morello, Vause and Big Boo are setting up for the Christmas pageant, when Alex pushes, "Come on, Lorna. Tell us who you got!" She refuses: "It's a secret!" Big Boo laughs at her response, mocking, "Some secret. You just got finished asking me what my favorite color is and if my feet get cold." At this, Morello stands up and sternly admonishes, "If I was making you slippers, which I am not, I wouldn't be anymore. So, you just get used to having cold feet that ain't magenta!" She throws the garland around her neck to the ground and storms out. Well, that was a proportionate reaction. Big Boo looks at Nichols after this outburst, telling her, "Wow. Please start fucking her again." Nichols answers, "Yeah, you only get one chance
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to break my heart. Hey, remember that, Vause." Oh, the flirting never ceases with Nichols.
Alex is uncharacteristically reserved, prompting Nichols to ask, "What, Chapman?" Alex only responds with a sad frown. Nichols commiserates, "Sucks. I'm sorry, kid. I know she got to you. Hey, how about we both say a little prayer that she gets fat and stops shaving her legs?" Hey, that's not nice! People shouldn't be shamed or judged upon their weight! Not cool. Alex gives a half-hearted smile and replies, "Done," but it is evident that she's really hurting from the most recent Vauseman breakup. Oh, Piper, what have you done? In the auditorium seats, Sophia quietly hands over a Christmas card to Sister Ingalls. Sister Ingalls opens it and when seeing the signature of the sender, she asks, "From your son? Oh, Sophia, I'm so happy for you." Sophia points out, |
Alex: Ha ha, your ex is crazy
Nichols: Says the pot to the kettle |
"Look, he didn't write anything else, but that's his signature. My wife didn't fake-sign it for him this time. So, that's something, right?" Awww. "That's something. I just wish he'd talk to me." Sister Ingalls points out, "He's starting to," and the two of them share a hopeful smile together. I am totes liking their friendship.
Suzanne interrupts this moment, asking, "Sisters, you all sure about this part for me?" Sisters? Plural? Suzanne knows Sophia's not a nun, right? Sister Ingalls encourages, "Have faith, dear. Your voice...resonates." That it does. Taking this comment to heart, Suzanne tells them, "Yeah, you right. I should just put the past behind me. No way that could happen again." Both Sister Ingalls and Sophia immediately look down with concern at this statement, but what's done is done, and all we know is this year's pageant is going to be one hell of a show.
In the visiting room, Larry nervously sits in one of his trademark sweater/shirt combos, twiddling his thumbs in anticipation. Who is he visiting? Alex Vause, apparently. Oh shit...When he sees her approaching his table, he awkwardly stands and stiffly greets her, "Alex." Having zero patience for this little twit, Alex gruffly answers, "Yeah." They should stop the conversation right here. Alex has already won. Of course, it does not stop, and Larry begins by telling Alex, "You're...tall." With a roll of her eyes and a scoff, she replies, "I've been told" and sits down for this little tête-a-tête. Larry takes a seat as well and after a bizarre pause, Larry starts again, "Um...sorry, this is, uh...Had so many things planned to say to you, but now I...I'm just picturing you...uh..." Larry, you weirdo! This is even worse than the rock bottom expectations I had for you.
Suzanne interrupts this moment, asking, "Sisters, you all sure about this part for me?" Sisters? Plural? Suzanne knows Sophia's not a nun, right? Sister Ingalls encourages, "Have faith, dear. Your voice...resonates." That it does. Taking this comment to heart, Suzanne tells them, "Yeah, you right. I should just put the past behind me. No way that could happen again." Both Sister Ingalls and Sophia immediately look down with concern at this statement, but what's done is done, and all we know is this year's pageant is going to be one hell of a show.
In the visiting room, Larry nervously sits in one of his trademark sweater/shirt combos, twiddling his thumbs in anticipation. Who is he visiting? Alex Vause, apparently. Oh shit...When he sees her approaching his table, he awkwardly stands and stiffly greets her, "Alex." Having zero patience for this little twit, Alex gruffly answers, "Yeah." They should stop the conversation right here. Alex has already won. Of course, it does not stop, and Larry begins by telling Alex, "You're...tall." With a roll of her eyes and a scoff, she replies, "I've been told" and sits down for this little tête-a-tête. Larry takes a seat as well and after a bizarre pause, Larry starts again, "Um...sorry, this is, uh...Had so many things planned to say to you, but now I...I'm just picturing you...uh..." Larry, you weirdo! This is even worse than the rock bottom expectations I had for you.
Your chest is magnificent
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Yeah, I know. Piper tells me everyday
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Alex taunts, "Got you all flustered?" Finding his voice, Larry corrects, "You got me pissed off. How many times do you think you can come around and fuck up Piper's life, huh?" Oh no, we're driving down the "Victim Piper" road again, are we? "I don't know what psychic black void your little game with her fills, but you need to end it now and stay away from her." Oh, this isn't patronizing to Piper at all. A smile on her face, Alex assures, "Not a problem. She's all yours, champ. We done here?" What a badass. As she stands up to leave, Larry implores, "Whoa, whoa! Whoa. Hold on." A very annoyed Alex cedes to his request and he asks with suspicion, "Suddenly, she's all mine when you have been working her over since she got here?" And now you've done it, Bloom. Bro, in this current duel, Alex is riding a tank and you rolled up on a tricycle. So far, she has refrained from blasting you into tiny whiny white boy pieces, but you're now begging for it.
"Working her over? Are you fucking kidding me? She came to me, dragged me into that chapel and fucked me. Surprised me, too. She never used to be the aggressor. I guess it was a new color she was trying on. Or maybe she was bored. Who knows?" responds Alex. Larry, focusing on what really matters: "You fucked in a chapel?" Alex: "It's prison. There aren't a whole lot of options. But I'm done. I can't survive another spin on her merry-go-round, and clearly, you're still into it, so enjoy the ride." Larry
"Working her over? Are you fucking kidding me? She came to me, dragged me into that chapel and fucked me. Surprised me, too. She never used to be the aggressor. I guess it was a new color she was trying on. Or maybe she was bored. Who knows?" responds Alex. Larry, focusing on what really matters: "You fucked in a chapel?" Alex: "It's prison. There aren't a whole lot of options. But I'm done. I can't survive another spin on her merry-go-round, and clearly, you're still into it, so enjoy the ride." Larry
Piper doesn't squirt! Girls can't even do that, idiot!
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spits back, "Fuck you. It's not a ride. We're getting married." Smiling again, Alex tells him, "Great. So, why are you here?" "I wanted to meet you," answer Larry, appearing somewhat shamed.
Alex leans forward and in a low voice, she taunts, "Larry, my heart is with you. She's hot. She's read everything. We both know what she's like in bed, but she is fucked up. I know it, and you do, too, or else you wouldn't be here warning me to stay away. I'm not your problem." And with that, Alex gets up and strolls out the door, leaving Larry to bask in that utter disaster that he set up. In the Alex vs. Larry showdown, it was not even close. Back in the LCF bathroom, Pennsatucky comes in with her gang of Christians. Tucky pulls back the shower curtain on a mid-shower Piper, and this does not look good at all. Piper, hands trying to cover herself, calmly implores, "Okay, let me dry off and we can talk about this." Pennsatucky isn't there to talk, though, and when Taystee tries to come in, she's stopped by one of Tucky's people standing guard. Seeing the |
dangerous spot Piper is in, she sighs and turns around to leave. Taystee! Where are you going?!
Realizing the threat Tucky poses, Piper asserts, "I'm not going to let you intimidate me, Tiffany. What do you want?" Oooh, buddy, using her Christian name. Pennsatucky replies, "What do I want? Hmmm...I want you to feel the same pain on your body as you have made me feel in my heart." At this point, she pulls out a razor blade attached to a small handle. "I know, it's not much, but it's sharp. It's sharp. Do you wanna see?" She proceeds to slice her left palm open with the blade and then drag her bloody palm across Piper's bare chest, leaving a smear of blood on her. Fortunately, at this point, a guard comes in (sent by Taystee - woohoo, Taystee!) and orders the women out. Pennsatucky makes a final promise before she goes, "I guess next time we're gonna get more creative. That's okay. I got some other ideas."
When Taystee comes in to check on her, Piper says in a shaken tone, "I'm not equipped to deal with this. I have to tell someone." I agree. After that terrifying experience, I'd take SHU over that, but Taystee urges Piper to just confront Pennsatucky head on: "Girl, stop being a bitch-ass bitch!"
Realizing the threat Tucky poses, Piper asserts, "I'm not going to let you intimidate me, Tiffany. What do you want?" Oooh, buddy, using her Christian name. Pennsatucky replies, "What do I want? Hmmm...I want you to feel the same pain on your body as you have made me feel in my heart." At this point, she pulls out a razor blade attached to a small handle. "I know, it's not much, but it's sharp. It's sharp. Do you wanna see?" She proceeds to slice her left palm open with the blade and then drag her bloody palm across Piper's bare chest, leaving a smear of blood on her. Fortunately, at this point, a guard comes in (sent by Taystee - woohoo, Taystee!) and orders the women out. Pennsatucky makes a final promise before she goes, "I guess next time we're gonna get more creative. That's okay. I got some other ideas."
When Taystee comes in to check on her, Piper says in a shaken tone, "I'm not equipped to deal with this. I have to tell someone." I agree. After that terrifying experience, I'd take SHU over that, but Taystee urges Piper to just confront Pennsatucky head on: "Girl, stop being a bitch-ass bitch!"