Continued from Page 2 of Orange is the New Black 1.12: Fool Me Once
After getting on the good side of Pennsatucky, Piper seeks out Alex, who is reading on top of her bed. Before Alex evens knows she's there, Piper starts out, "You were right. About Larry, you were right. I think that I've lost him." She sits next to a wary Alex, claiming, "So, all of my cards are on the table. Everything. I'm an emotionally manipulative narcissist who bailed on you when your mother died." Alex adds, "And I'm a ruthless pragmatist who sold you out and then lied about it. We suck." I hope these are their vows if they ever get married.
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I mean, why should I choose you over Larry?
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Ooooh, good point...
Suddenly smiling, Piper asks Alex, "It's kind of a relief, though, isn't it?" Hey there, Whacko Chapman, lovely to see you again. Alex turns her head in disgust, telling her, "Oh my God, Piper! I'm getting whiplash here." Piper, though, is serious: "I'm not fucking with you. I've ruined my life now, twice, over you, so, what's the end game here? When we get out of prison, what's the plan? Are we going to move to Vermont and open a pottery studio and wear Tevas?" Oh, please, not Tevas - have some self-respect. When Alex gives a joking response, Piper pushes for an answer: "I'm being serious. Are you gonna get a job? Like a regular person? I mean I can't even imagine what that would look like." Alex makes a displeased sound at the mention of a job and admits, "Me neither. I'm good at moving large amounts of heroin, like really fucking brilliant at it. Other than that, I don't know." It would be difficult to be Alex's guidance counselor.

Piper: "One thing that I do know is that I am never, ever coming back to prison." Alex jumps in: "Listen, I am not planning on going back to doing illegal shit. I'm not planning on anything. I don't know what's gonna happen, and that's the point of being with me. If 
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We hate to see Claudette go, but we love to watch her leave
you wanna have babies and remodel your bathroom, then please go. Do. Nest. If you wanna do X on a beach in Cambodia with three strangers in drag...I'm not saying it's gonna happen, but it could." In response, Piper dreamily gives Alex her version of "I choose you," by telling her, "I love Cambodia." Alex whispers, "Me, too," and their hands make their way towards each other, until they're gently caressing each other's fingers.

"Chapman, you blinked. Vause wins," interrupts Nichols, snapping the women out of their own reverie. Nichols notifies Piper that Claudette's appeal fell through (Oh no!), and the next thing we see is Claudette losing it in the hallway and attempting to strangle LCF guard, Fischer (Big time "Oh no!"). When Claudette is dragged away after the attack, Piper, Nichols, and Alex look on, when who should pop out in some new orange LCF threads - Taystee Jefferson! She's back! Yay for us, but boo for her!

Soon after all of this drama, Piper awakens in her bed, only to find her
cubicle being visited by scavengers, claiming possessions of Claudette for themselves now that she is gone. You guys, her sheets aren't even cold yet! Have some respect! Piper, though, sits up to assert her right to a quilt that Big Boo currently is holding: "I was her roommate. I took her shit and I listened to her snore. The blanket is mine." Already having three of her own, Big Boo acquiesces to Piper's demand, though not before trying to sic Little Boo on Piper, but Little Boo only does what she knows best - gives tokens of her affection by licking Big Boo's face. Aw, puppy dogs.

Later, when Piper is on her way to visiting hours, Pennsatucky stops her in the hallway to tell her that she and her posse are ready to dunk her in the holy water. Piper: "Oh God, the baptism thing. You were serious." Pennsatucky: "What about me makes you think I wouldn't be serious?" Correctly, Piper replies, "Good point." She tries to back out, but Tucky insists that Piper book her "ticket to the Kingdom of Heaven" in the immediate. Seeing no other option, Piper is dragged to the laundry room where a sink full of dirty water awaits her blasphemous head.

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I have a deep and troubling conviction that there is no god and we're all just taking part in a randomly cruel existence until we die
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Who's with me?
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*silence cloaked in profound despair
Upon seeing the reality of what's about to happen, Piper puts her non-believing foot down: "I'm sorry. I really want us to get along. I do, but I can't pretend to believe in something I don't. And I don't." When Pennsatucky tries to assuage her "doubts," Piper denies this assumption: "No, see, this isn't doubts. I believe in science. I believe in evolution. I believe in Nate Silver and Neil deGrasse Tyson and Christopher Hitchens, although I do admit, he could be kind of an asshole. I cannot get behind some supreme being who weighs in on the Tony Awards while a million people get whacked with machetes. I don't believe a billion Indians are going to Hell. I don't think we get cancer to learn life lessons, and I don't believe that people die young because God needs another angel. I think it's just bullshit, and on some level, I think we all know that. [...] Look, I understand that religion makes it easier to deal with all of the random shitty things that happen to us, and I wish I could get on that ride. I'm sure I would be happier. But I can't. Feelings aren't enough. I need it to be real." I really wish Piper was more open about herself. She's 
so closed off. We never really get to hear anything about what she's thinking or feeling.

Unsurprisingly, Pennsatucky is not happy with Piper's heresy, and she warns, "I tried to be your friend." Piper only answers, "I hope He makes you very happy." Oooh, that's kind of a cutting comment - basically saying, "I hope your bullshit illusion gives you comfort."

Piper walks out of the laundry room, straight into visiting hours where Larry awaits her. And it is awkward city, as they both are noticeably uncomfortable even being in the same space as one another. Piper makes the first effort: "I'm really glad that you're here." With this, Larry dives into why he's there: "Listen, neither of us understood how crazy this was gonna be. We thought, 'Oh, sure, we'll get married after,' like we were just gonna pick up where we left off, but Piper, this...this is changing you. It's changing me."

Piper: "You didn't ask for any of this." "No, but we're here," says Larry, matter-
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I'm miserable. You're miserable. The timing's perfect! Let's get married!
of-factly. He admits, "It's messy and weird and we're gonna do stupid and lonely and embarrassing shit." Yes, I'd say that is an accurate description of your relationship. "And either we can do it together - get married, now, in this room, possibly...as soon as we can file the paperwork and do it as husband and wife or...or we have to break up. Because this thing that we're doing now, this in-between. I can't. So, what do you say?" So, what do you say?!?! I say go take that nightmare of a proposal and return to the pit of Hell from whence you came! Who in his right mind finds that to be a proper way to get married? Piper, instead, just stares back at him in shock and the scene cuts away before an answer is given.

Where does the scene cut to? Pennsatucky, who is telling everyone who witnessed Piper walk out of her baptism, "You know what I got to do. Hmm? Hmm? She disrespected me. Now, I'm gonna have to kill her." Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, SOMEONE SAVE IDIOT CHAPMAN!
Continue to Orange is the New Black 1.13: Can't Fix Crazy
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