Continued from Page 1 of Orange is the New Black 1.12: Fool Me Once
Going from one sad lover of Piper Chapman to another, poopy pants Larry is out at Cal's camper, cramping Cal's style. Out of nowhere, Larry processes out loud, "She does have a point about the radio thing, I'll cop to that. She's the most interesting thing about me right now, and I used that." Back up - did you just say she was the most interesting "thing" about you, Bloom? Oh, Larry, please see yourself out. He continues, "And I guess it was a dick move. But that doesn't make it okay that she cheated on me."
Cal disagrees, telling him, "No, cheating is a strong word, pal." Astonished, Larry asks, "Sorry, is there another word for fucking
Cal disagrees, telling him, "No, cheating is a strong word, pal." Astonished, Larry asks, "Sorry, is there another word for fucking
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someone other than the person you promised, in the very recent past, to fuck exclusively forever?" I wish people proposed to people this way: "Piper, will you promise to fuck me forever, exclusively?" "Yes, Larry, my holes are your holes!" So romantic. Cal reasons, "Uh, no, I'm just saying that this 'someone' was a girl, which isn't really cheating. (What is this nonsense?) Like, you and Piper play squash together, and if in her downtime, she joins a softball team (of course, softball is used here), then..." Wait...if Cal's advocating for a polyamorous relationship - okay, but that's not what she and Larry had. Cal, bro, I'm not following you on this one.
Larry: "That's the bigger problem with this whole thing. She fucked a woman. So what, is she gay now?" Appropriately, Cal just shakes his head in disgust at this question, gently correcting him, "I don't know about 'now.' I just think that she is what she is, man." "Which is what, exactly?" asks Larry, expectantly. Cal: "I'm gonna go ahead and guess that one of the issues here is your need to say that a person is exactly anything." The tail has officially been pinned on the donkey. Looking down sadly, Larry realizes, "I think it might be |
Oh God, Cal's dumping me, too...I can't keep a Chapman to save my life
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over." Appearing more and more uncomfortable by the minute, Cal lays down the law: "Ugh, no offense, Bloomer, but it's super weird that I'm in the middle here. You know, one of the main reasons that I live 110 miles from civilization is I'm kind of allergic to other people's drama, including, and sometimes especially, when it involves my sister. That's kind of the whole point, you know what I'm saying?" Make that two Chapmans who want Larry to exit their lives.
Suddenly, Cal's phone gives a chime. He stands up and gives a loud roar of victory into the empty forest. What's the news: "Dude, I'm engaged." Chapman family loses one engaged couple and quickly gains another. The family newsletter survives!
Back in Piper/Claudette's bunk, Piper looks on sadly as Claudette happily readies herself for the day. In an obvious attempt to win back Claudette's favor, Piper announces, "Oh, I have something for you." She grabs a bottle of pink nail polish from underneath
Suddenly, Cal's phone gives a chime. He stands up and gives a loud roar of victory into the empty forest. What's the news: "Dude, I'm engaged." Chapman family loses one engaged couple and quickly gains another. The family newsletter survives!
Back in Piper/Claudette's bunk, Piper looks on sadly as Claudette happily readies herself for the day. In an obvious attempt to win back Claudette's favor, Piper announces, "Oh, I have something for you." She grabs a bottle of pink nail polish from underneath
She doesn't hold me after we make love like she used to
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her pillow and presents it to Claudette: "Well, honestly, I got it for myself, but I figured you could use it...for your special day." So, a second-hand gift. Lovely. Hesitant to accept this peace offering, Claudette resists, "I don't know if that is my color," but Piper persists. She directs Claudette to hold out her hand, and she paints one of her fingers with it to see if she likes it. Fortunately, Claudette is in a forgiving mood, and she allows Piper to finish the rest of her nails. Claudette, you are way nicer than I would be. After what went down last episode, she'd be on my permanent shit list, and bringing me nail polish would only worsen the situation.
In Cal's camper, his fiancée, Neri, has joined them, but things quickly deteriorate when she finds a rotisserie chicken in the cabinet. She angrily waves the chicken at Cal, asking, "What the fuck is this?" Cal dismisses her, "Oh, don't start with me." This devolves into a screaming match between the two of them, with awkward third wheel Larry trying to blend in with the walls. At the end of it, Neri storms out of the camper |
and Larry tells Cal, "It's just tough to watch you hit the rocks like that, man." Cal clarifies the misunderstanding, informing Larry, "No, that was foreplay, Bloomer." Man, Chapmans are weird.
Larry responds in a similar vein, but Cal points out, "Think about how baby Cal grew up. All right, everyone pretended everything was chill. Dad fucked two different women named Linda. Mom lived on gin and cottage cheese from '91 to about '98 and everyone knew and nobody ever said anything about it." Man, poor Mama Chapman, she drank her way through a golden age - the 90s - when the TGIF Friday night lineup dominated television, Jagged Little Pill was the soundtrack to our lives, and we all watched Rose promise Jack to never let go, and then she totally did seconds later. What a pure time it was. Cal sums his
Larry responds in a similar vein, but Cal points out, "Think about how baby Cal grew up. All right, everyone pretended everything was chill. Dad fucked two different women named Linda. Mom lived on gin and cottage cheese from '91 to about '98 and everyone knew and nobody ever said anything about it." Man, poor Mama Chapman, she drank her way through a golden age - the 90s - when the TGIF Friday night lineup dominated television, Jagged Little Pill was the soundtrack to our lives, and we all watched Rose promise Jack to never let go, and then she totally did seconds later. What a pure time it was. Cal sums his
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whole speech up with: "We're crazy, but we are in this." Larry seems to mull this over, feeling a small sense of jealousy over Cal's apparently solid, yet unusual relationship, while his more conventional one is falling by the wayside.
Meanwhile, in the LCF cafeteria, Piper is receiving crochet lessons from Sister Ingalls, to really ramp up her sex appeal. Or, at least, I assume that's why she's doing that. Pennsatucky interrupts, stating, "Hey College, I got words for you." Piper reluctantly lays down her needles and yarn and follows Tucky to a table across the room. Pennsatucky opens, "All right, I'm just gonna give it to you straight, College. I've been harboring some really bad hate in my heart for you." Surprised by this, Piper defends, "But I saved you. I got you out of Psych." Pennsatucky counters, "You saved me from shit you got me into." And five points go to Pennsatucky, though I still stand by the fact that no one made her attack that girl in a wheelchair or delude herself into believing she was healing people. Piper brings up, "You got me thrown into the SHU..." but |
Girrrrrrl, don't even act like you don't like angry sex
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Pennsatucky cuts her off: "Who's talkin' right now?" Piper relents and Tucky continues, "Do you realize that you almost ruined my life? I mean, do you? You made the Almighty God into a joke, and a joke ain't nothing to me. A joke didn't write me letters up in here, and a joke didn't give me hope so I could do my time and make something out of it. What do you believe in?" Piper apparently takes Pennsatucky's question seriously, thoughtfully answering, "Well, I've always thought that agnostic was sort of a cop-out, but, um, you know if I had to label it, I'd say that I'm a secular humanist. Which is not to say I'm not spiritual..." Just when you think Piper has climbed all of the hills of stupid, she finds a mountain of stupid behind it to scale. Piper, you moron! She doesn't really care what your religious philosophy is!
Putting all of us out of our misery, Pennsatucky intervenes: "You're not religious, okay? Just stop. Stop." Thank you. "You believe in Hussein Obama?" I assume she means Barack Hussein Obama, but I'm not sure what she means by "You believe in him?" - as in do you believe he exists? Yes. Yes, I do. He's not a rumor. There are pictures of him. He has two daughters. "Electric cars and Shakespeare books and do you go out to eat to restaurants? I don't have any of that, okay? All I have is Him." As crack-y as her speech is, I think I get what she's saying, and she's right in that no one should ridicule someone's foundational belief system. Problem is, based on Pennsatucky's flashbacks, it's pretty obvious that Pennsatucky does not believe in Jesus and/or God, or, at least, she didn't until some extremist Christians randomly paid for her attorney and made her out to be some unborn fetus warrior. Also, your belief system gets the no-ridicule treatment only if it doesn't oppress and/or persecute others, so Pennsatucky, you don't qualify.
Putting all of us out of our misery, Pennsatucky intervenes: "You're not religious, okay? Just stop. Stop." Thank you. "You believe in Hussein Obama?" I assume she means Barack Hussein Obama, but I'm not sure what she means by "You believe in him?" - as in do you believe he exists? Yes. Yes, I do. He's not a rumor. There are pictures of him. He has two daughters. "Electric cars and Shakespeare books and do you go out to eat to restaurants? I don't have any of that, okay? All I have is Him." As crack-y as her speech is, I think I get what she's saying, and she's right in that no one should ridicule someone's foundational belief system. Problem is, based on Pennsatucky's flashbacks, it's pretty obvious that Pennsatucky does not believe in Jesus and/or God, or, at least, she didn't until some extremist Christians randomly paid for her attorney and made her out to be some unborn fetus warrior. Also, your belief system gets the no-ridicule treatment only if it doesn't oppress and/or persecute others, so Pennsatucky, you don't qualify.
What ya makin', heathen?
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Uhh....a sweater for my...Jesus...Bible...yes, my Jesus Bible
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Piper offers up, "I'm sorry," but Pennsatucky rejects this: "Don't ask for my forgiveness. You should ask for His forgiveness. You need to get right with Him, and then we'll see that all this was part of His plan." She demands that Piper apologize right now in front of her...to, you know, Jesus. My grandmother once forced my family and its guests to sing the "Happy Birthday" song to Jesus on Christmas day, considering it was His birthday and all. We reacted in the same perplexed manner as Piper does, looking around the room uncomfortably, trying to figure a way out. We did not find one, and neither does Piper. She begins, self-consciously, "Dear Jesus..." Pennsatucky stops her, criticizing, "That's awfully familiar for somebody that doesn't give Him the time of day." Piper restarts, "Um...Dear Mr. Christ?" No, Piper, everyone knows Jesus' last name was "of Nazareth." Duh!
Tucky, though, allows it, and Piper, eyes closed, prays, "Dear Mr. Christ, I know that I've done some things recently that have not been, have been up to your standards, and I feel pretty ashamed. It's really easy to point fingers, and I've done some things lately I feel pretty lousy about. And I'm wondering if maybe you could make things right between us?" Pennsatucky adds, "Meaning forgiveness?" and Piper goes with it: "If I could be forgiven, that would be really, um, that would be really comforting. Amen." Early on in this speech, it's clear Piper is coming from a sincere place, whether it's directed to God or not, who knows, but Pennsatucky picks up on the earnestness of her prayer as well. She commends Piper, "I think you took a step on the right road," and embraces her enthusiastically, in a somewhat disconcerting manner. Pennsatucky tells her, "Now, we just gotta get you baptized." Oh boy.
Tucky, though, allows it, and Piper, eyes closed, prays, "Dear Mr. Christ, I know that I've done some things recently that have not been, have been up to your standards, and I feel pretty ashamed. It's really easy to point fingers, and I've done some things lately I feel pretty lousy about. And I'm wondering if maybe you could make things right between us?" Pennsatucky adds, "Meaning forgiveness?" and Piper goes with it: "If I could be forgiven, that would be really, um, that would be really comforting. Amen." Early on in this speech, it's clear Piper is coming from a sincere place, whether it's directed to God or not, who knows, but Pennsatucky picks up on the earnestness of her prayer as well. She commends Piper, "I think you took a step on the right road," and embraces her enthusiastically, in a somewhat disconcerting manner. Pennsatucky tells her, "Now, we just gotta get you baptized." Oh boy.