When Piper tells Alex she can't go with her for her mom's funeral, a stunned Alex asks, "What?" Piper calmly asserts, "I am so sorry about your mom, but this doesn't change anything." Alex: "You're still leaving? Right now?" She can hardly get the questions out of her mouth she's so overwhelmed. Piper, what did you mean when you asked "What can I do?" Apparently, you just meant, "What can I do in the four minutes before I leave you forever?" Losing her composure, Alex starts to sob, telling Piper, "My mother just died. I can't fucking believe you." Piper only responds, "I can't be your girlfriend anymore." Alex: "Yeah, and apparently not even my friend." Oh boy, I hate when my moms fight.
|
Alex reveals the whereabouts of Piper's missing passport, which she hid in her dresser, resulting in Piper yelling, "Jesus, Alex! You fucking hid it?" Looking at Piper with pleading eyes, Alex begs her in a voice just above a whisper, "Please don't leave. Not now." To this, Piper's face hardens and she turns and leaves with her bag, with Alex watching her like a puppy watching its owner abandon it. Man, this is one Vauseman flashback that I do not need to watch again. Piper, I get that the death of Alex's mom doesn't change things, but still...have a heart. It's not like she asked you to do one last money swap; she just wanted you by her side as she confronted her mother's passing. No wonder both of their faces turn ashen and heavy when anyone mentions their breakup. Now, I'm going to have the same reaction. Returning from that past nightmare into a new present one, we finally get the deets on Red's plan to take down Pornstache. Unfortunately, said plan involves precious, precious Daya (yay, I finally get to mention Daya!) being used as bait (along with her unborn Bennett baby) to pin a rape on Pornstache. They actually want her to have sex with Pornstache as part of their plan. I am soooo not on board with this! Yes, I want |
I wonder if it's too soon to ask if I can use her mom's frequent flyer miles? I mean...she's not using them...
|
Pornstache gone, and yes, I realize the Daya/Bennett lovechild has presented a bit of an (adorable) problem, but still, think of all that is good and holy!
After taking some time to consider the proposition, Daya comes and finds Red, who is consulting with Nichols in her office. Daya tells Red that she's in and that she's already started putting the pieces into play. Red hesitantly instructs Daya, "I didn't want to be this graphic in front of your mother, but, um, you know he needs to..." "Cum inside of you," finishes Nichols. Of course, she is the one. Red offers up another alternative: "Or on you." Hmmm...you know what? Whenever any plan involves someone having to have sperm either enter them or just hang out on top of them...it's a TERRIBLE PLAN! Sweet Daya, baby, no! Go find Bennett and get back to doing your secretive note-swapping and gum exchanges. Then if sperm is involved, it's at least consensual!
Sadly, no one is here to protect Daya from this vile scheme and she is given the rundown on executing the last step: "After you're done, you go straight to the medic's office. Tell him you've been raped. Have him do an exam immediately. Don't stop to pee.
After taking some time to consider the proposition, Daya comes and finds Red, who is consulting with Nichols in her office. Daya tells Red that she's in and that she's already started putting the pieces into play. Red hesitantly instructs Daya, "I didn't want to be this graphic in front of your mother, but, um, you know he needs to..." "Cum inside of you," finishes Nichols. Of course, she is the one. Red offers up another alternative: "Or on you." Hmmm...you know what? Whenever any plan involves someone having to have sperm either enter them or just hang out on top of them...it's a TERRIBLE PLAN! Sweet Daya, baby, no! Go find Bennett and get back to doing your secretive note-swapping and gum exchanges. Then if sperm is involved, it's at least consensual!
Sadly, no one is here to protect Daya from this vile scheme and she is given the rundown on executing the last step: "After you're done, you go straight to the medic's office. Tell him you've been raped. Have him do an exam immediately. Don't stop to pee.
Piper: What a fun, sexy time we're having...
|
Don't wash anything. Understand?" Nichols cheers her on, "Go get 'em, tiger." Ewww, Nichols! She's going to go get sexually intimate with Pornstache, not walking up to the plate during a baseball game. A sports' phrase should not be used in this circumstance. The only possible sentiment that should be expressed to Daya is: "I'm so, so sorry. You'll be in my prayers."
Back at the bunks, Piper returns from having self-reported her Pennsatucky treachery, only to receive two weeks of janitorial duty as punishment. Not bad. Alex greets her by gently rubbing the empty space on her cot, enticing her: "Come be my little spoon." Who can say no to that? Certainly not Piper. She immediately lies down next to Alex, back to front, as Alex tells her, "Hey, I am proud of you...That was really brave. I mean, it was dumb, but brave." Piper turns over with a big goofy grin, admitting, "I don't think that anyone has ever used that word to describe me in the history of the universe." Gently caressing Piper's hair, Alex: "I'm glad we have |
each other in here, kid." Aw...
At this point, their eyes carelessly roam across each other's faces, and Piper asks dreamily, "Why do you always feel so inevitable to me?" Affected by this, Alex softly declares, "I heart you." What a very un-Vause like thing to say. Piper calls her on this, teasing, "You heart me? What is that? Is that like 'I love you' for pussies?" Alex lets out a giggle and entreats, "Say 'pussy' again," causing both of them to laugh into one another and I think I am suffocating in the love vibes that are overflowing from both of them at this point. Alex leans in to give a sweet, chaste kiss, and when she pulls back, Piper reciprocates, "I heart you, too."
"Hey, not-lesbians. It's 11:00," sasses Nichols from across the room, jarring the lovebirds from the alternate universe they were inhabiting for a moment. Quick like a bunny, Piper sits up and the two quickly scramble to catch Larry on Urban Tales. They are
At this point, their eyes carelessly roam across each other's faces, and Piper asks dreamily, "Why do you always feel so inevitable to me?" Affected by this, Alex softly declares, "I heart you." What a very un-Vause like thing to say. Piper calls her on this, teasing, "You heart me? What is that? Is that like 'I love you' for pussies?" Alex lets out a giggle and entreats, "Say 'pussy' again," causing both of them to laugh into one another and I think I am suffocating in the love vibes that are overflowing from both of them at this point. Alex leans in to give a sweet, chaste kiss, and when she pulls back, Piper reciprocates, "I heart you, too."
"Hey, not-lesbians. It's 11:00," sasses Nichols from across the room, jarring the lovebirds from the alternate universe they were inhabiting for a moment. Quick like a bunny, Piper sits up and the two quickly scramble to catch Larry on Urban Tales. They are
|
not alone; throughout LCF, the inmates gather around the nearest radio to hear what Taylor Swift's cuckold has to say. The show starts out as all public radio starts out - hypnotic and soothing - as the relaxing voice of Maury Kind introduces the topic of long-distance relationships. Soon enough, though, this comforting trance we have been lulled into is broken by the entrance of none other than Mr. Larry Bloom.
When asked to mention some of his favorite prison stories that he has heard from Piper, he opens with, "This insane girl...like, actually insane, the kind of person who belongs in a psychiatric hospital, not a prison, but that's a whole other discussion - she decides that Piper is going to be her wife. (OH NO, HE ISN'T!) She followed her around for days...wrote her this horrible poem." YES, HE IS. What a piece of shit! Piper looks horrified; Alex looks uncomfortable; and Suzanne is seen weeping in her bed. Death to Larry Bloom! But Larry is not done yet...oh, not at all...Next up, he tells Maury, "I mean, when your fiancée says that she sleeps with one eye open |
Larry "Feces Disguised as a Human" Bloom
|
because her roommate is rumored to be a murderer (*GASP) and might shiv her in her sleep, it's impossible not to be scared." Upon hearing these words, Miss Claudette sits up from her bed with betrayal written all over her face. SOMEONE KILL LARRY RIGHT NOW! I mean, ladies, you are in prison after all. Someone's gotta know someone who can bump him off.
Mr. Wonderful goes on to admit, "I don't want to imply that they're all crazy and dangerous." Oh, how sweet of you, Larry. He mentions, "There's the girl who has been planning her wedding for months just like everything is normal. Oh, but she is also sleeping with the hot, lesbian junkie." At this, said "hot, lesbian junkie," Nichols, gives a most self-satisfied of smirks, quite proud of this title. Now, for Larry to have described Nichols as that, it must mean Piper said Nichols was hot, considering Larry has never laid eyes on her. Oh, Piper, your gay is showing.
Eventually, Maury Kind asks Larry if he and Piper had ever discussed their plans for sexual fidelity during her sentence. Larry hesitates in discomfort before answering, "No, we never discussed any agreements, which was probably naive of us. You know, it's funny, whenever we talked about cheating in an abstract way, I always said I wouldn't care if she had sex with someone else, if it's just sex, but suppose...theoretically (smooth, Larry)...that someone she loved was in there with her, someone she had history with. (Oh Lord) Someone who could understand her life in there in a way that I'll never be able to. It would be devastating to think that that person could give her something that I can't. It would be way worse than just sex. It...it would be...it would be a betrayal."
Mr. Wonderful goes on to admit, "I don't want to imply that they're all crazy and dangerous." Oh, how sweet of you, Larry. He mentions, "There's the girl who has been planning her wedding for months just like everything is normal. Oh, but she is also sleeping with the hot, lesbian junkie." At this, said "hot, lesbian junkie," Nichols, gives a most self-satisfied of smirks, quite proud of this title. Now, for Larry to have described Nichols as that, it must mean Piper said Nichols was hot, considering Larry has never laid eyes on her. Oh, Piper, your gay is showing.
Eventually, Maury Kind asks Larry if he and Piper had ever discussed their plans for sexual fidelity during her sentence. Larry hesitates in discomfort before answering, "No, we never discussed any agreements, which was probably naive of us. You know, it's funny, whenever we talked about cheating in an abstract way, I always said I wouldn't care if she had sex with someone else, if it's just sex, but suppose...theoretically (smooth, Larry)...that someone she loved was in there with her, someone she had history with. (Oh Lord) Someone who could understand her life in there in a way that I'll never be able to. It would be devastating to think that that person could give her something that I can't. It would be way worse than just sex. It...it would be...it would be a betrayal."
Alex: Do you know what he's talking about?
Piper: No clue, but he seems super duper angry
Piper: No clue, but he seems super duper angry
Hey, Captain Passive-Aggressive, you just announced to anyone and everyone with an IQ over 30 that Piper is sleeping with her ex at LCF! And no, your use of "suppose" and "theoretically" did not at any point fool anyone. I am shocked that Maury Kind did not interrupt him and demand that he stop creeping everyone out with his oddly-specific threats. Holy shit, Larry Bloom, what is wrong with you?! Stunned, Piper pulls out her earbud, saying to no one in particular, "He knows." Yeah, great choice of a life partner, Piper. You really know how to choose 'em.
Afterwards in the cafeteria, Daya returns from bumpin' uglies with Pornstache. Oh geez, it's just so, so wrong. Already in tears, she reports to Red, "He used a condom." Red scolds her for allowing this. Um, I don't know if we should be advocating against contraception usage. I mean...guys, apparently Pornstache is a better example of practicing safe sex than Daya/Bennett. Come on! Red tells her, "Well, you're just gonna have to do it again." Daya's sad little face crumbles at this (seriously, her face is the equivalent of watching 2 week old puppies being cruelly ripped away from their mother), but Red only comments, "Better hope you were good enough for him to want more." Ew, Red! Have you no heart?! What are we doing to poor Daya? On a more practical note, considering Pornstache was so adamant about condom usage the first time, why in the world would we expect him suddenly to not be the next round? Someone needs to retool this horrific plan!
Afterwards in the cafeteria, Daya returns from bumpin' uglies with Pornstache. Oh geez, it's just so, so wrong. Already in tears, she reports to Red, "He used a condom." Red scolds her for allowing this. Um, I don't know if we should be advocating against contraception usage. I mean...guys, apparently Pornstache is a better example of practicing safe sex than Daya/Bennett. Come on! Red tells her, "Well, you're just gonna have to do it again." Daya's sad little face crumbles at this (seriously, her face is the equivalent of watching 2 week old puppies being cruelly ripped away from their mother), but Red only comments, "Better hope you were good enough for him to want more." Ew, Red! Have you no heart?! What are we doing to poor Daya? On a more practical note, considering Pornstache was so adamant about condom usage the first time, why in the world would we expect him suddenly to not be the next round? Someone needs to retool this horrific plan!
