The Vauseman shitstorm continues with Alex yelling, "I am drowning right now and you won't even consider helping me!" Uh, Alex, by "help," you mean participate in an international drug ring. Honey, as out of touch with reality as Piper can be sometimes, you are queen of the land of Crazy right now. Hitting her limit, Piper asserts: "I am done. I can't do this anymore. I can't be with you." Oh no. Someone say "just kidding, I'm sorry" before this gets further out of hand. Not fully believing her, Alex asks, "Are you serious? Where are you gonna go?" My guess - not Istanbul. Piper: "I don't know where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go back to the States, where I'm not your errand girl."
Alex: "I can't believe I didn't see this coming. How did I not see this? You know what, I did see this coming. Years ago. Rule number one: Don't ever fall in love with a straight girl." Agreed, but Piper ain't straight. God, Alex, cut the biphobic shit, will ya?
Alex: "I can't believe I didn't see this coming. How did I not see this? You know what, I did see this coming. Years ago. Rule number one: Don't ever fall in love with a straight girl." Agreed, but Piper ain't straight. God, Alex, cut the biphobic shit, will ya?
Why can't I have a girlfriend who will fly 16 hours by herself to a foreign country just to exchange drug money with highly dangerous strangers? #AlexVauseProblems
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Also tired of this accusation, Piper spits back, "Is that what you think this is about? That I like dick? You know, I guess that is easier than facing the fact that you are a drug dealer, and it is ruining everything good in your life." Das right. Piper "Real Talk" Chapman is laying down the law. Pain in her eyes, Piper tells her, "Don't you dare push this on me."
Making a last ditch effort to get Piper to pull back from the threat of breaking up, Alex says in a much nicer tone, "You knew exactly what you were getting into. I thought we were a team." But it's been too much for Piper and as her eyes search Alex's face for something to connect to, she can't and she walks out of the room without another word. Shocked that she couldn't convince her to stay, Alex looks on with sadness, not knowing what else she can do. Not gonna lie - I prefer the flashbacks that involve hot lady-lady sex over the ones where Piper and Alex yell unpleasant things at one another. Call me crazy. In the present, the inmates are going through Tricia's belongings, while reminiscing on their better memories they shared with her. While they are there, they receive condolences and generous gifts from some of the other "tribes," including a bag of oranges from Chang and the "Others," freshly microwaved food from the Latinas, and finally, a motherlode of junk |
food from the Black inmates. Aw, this is actually really touching. Most impressive of them all, Poussey hands over a large bag of chips that is hiding a bottle of booze. Looks like the inmates will be having a celebration for Tricia after all - just not the one Piper planned.
Speaking of Piper, she walks into a hallway in LCF, only to find Crazy Eyes buffing the floor she's trying to walk down. In an attempt to avoid her, Piper walks to the opposite edge of where Crazy Eyes is, but soon enough, we find her flat on her ass, toe up à la Tobias Fünke, as she could not escape the wax (A delightful gif of this acrobatic slip and slide is linked here). Crazy Eyes immediately jumps to her rescue, making sure she's okay, but as she nears, Piper recoils from her grasp, telling her, "No touching! No touching!" Dude, not warranted. Yes, she's peed on your floor, but it's not like she's ever assaulted you. I mean, if she started de-pantsing, you have a legit excuse to freak out. Seconds after her "No touching!" directive, old lady Piper realizes she's going to need help getting up, so she does a 180 and asks, "Suzanne, do you think you could help me up?" If I was Crazy
Speaking of Piper, she walks into a hallway in LCF, only to find Crazy Eyes buffing the floor she's trying to walk down. In an attempt to avoid her, Piper walks to the opposite edge of where Crazy Eyes is, but soon enough, we find her flat on her ass, toe up à la Tobias Fünke, as she could not escape the wax (A delightful gif of this acrobatic slip and slide is linked here). Crazy Eyes immediately jumps to her rescue, making sure she's okay, but as she nears, Piper recoils from her grasp, telling her, "No touching! No touching!" Dude, not warranted. Yes, she's peed on your floor, but it's not like she's ever assaulted you. I mean, if she started de-pantsing, you have a legit excuse to freak out. Seconds after her "No touching!" directive, old lady Piper realizes she's going to need help getting up, so she does a 180 and asks, "Suzanne, do you think you could help me up?" If I was Crazy
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Eyes, I'd say, "Sure, as long as it involves no touching. Good luck with that." Fortunately for Piper, Crazy Eyes is a far better human being than me and agrees to do so, gently assisting her into an upright position.
When Piper is on her own two feet, Crazy Eyes starts to blame herself for Piper's fall, physically hitting herself in the head repeatedly while telling herself, "My fault. My fault." Oh God. Piper, looking somewhat annoyed by this manifestation of the cuckoo, instructs her, "Oh, no, no, no, no. Please don't...please, please, please don't do that. Please...it's okay." Thankfully, Crazy Eyes listens and ceases the self-abuse. She very honorably offers, "I'm gonna make sure you get home okay. No weird stuff." Aw...though, maybe Piper should be offering the same to her. When Grandma Chapman makes it back to her bed, she stiffly slides on to the bed, asking Crazy Eyes, "Suzanne, would you mind taking this pillow and putting it underneath my knee?" As Crazy Eyes moves to do so, Piper stops her with one more question: "You're not gonna pee, are |
Piper: Wheeeeeeee!!!!
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you?" Oh, Piper, you're being ridiculous! Crazy Eyes generously explains, "No, when I get angry, sometimes I can't control myself." She says that she has to go down to the Psych ward when she loses control, until she levels out, so she uses a signal with the guards to let them know when she's all right. Piper asks, "Is Psych worse than the SHU?" "Way worse. Scary. It's bold. Cold. Old. It's real bad. I wouldn't wish it on the worst gremlin," describes Crazy Eyes. Stupid Piper assumes that the inmates down in Psych, at least, get a therapist, but Crazy Eyes corrects this misunderstanding, warning, "Once you go to Psych, you get lost in Psych." No, thank you...I'll pass. Before she leaves, Crazy Eyes, having reached a new understanding with Piper, takes the opportunity to pose a question to her: "How come everyone calls me Crazy Eyes?" And in this moment, my heart breaks and I feel like the worst human being ever for referring to her as that. Gah! SHAME UPON ME; SHAME UPON MY FAMILY; AND SHAME UPON MY DOG FOR PARTICIPATING IN THE NAME-CALLING! From hereon out, she shall be called only by her proper name - Suzanne. Apologies, Ms. Warren.
Back in Tricia's cubicle, the ladies are gathering to hold her memorial, partaking in the gifted junk food and alcohol. When Piper walks in, Alex grabs her and pulls her onto the bed next to her, wrapping her arm around her while they relax. So, apparently, their relaysh is public now. Piper takes a swig of the hooch (as Sister Ingalls calls it) and asks, "Why is having a drink so cathartic sometimes?" Big Boo answers, "Booze helps you process, at least, where I come from." Piper: "My family just yelled at each other when they drank and then pretended like nothing happened." Not finding this surprising, Big Boo reacts, "Ah. This explains the wide-eyed ice-princess uptight thing." Piper immediately denies this: "I'm not uptight!" Of course, this results in a cubicle-wide fit of laughter that even Alex can't help but join in on. Denial, party of one.
Back in Tricia's cubicle, the ladies are gathering to hold her memorial, partaking in the gifted junk food and alcohol. When Piper walks in, Alex grabs her and pulls her onto the bed next to her, wrapping her arm around her while they relax. So, apparently, their relaysh is public now. Piper takes a swig of the hooch (as Sister Ingalls calls it) and asks, "Why is having a drink so cathartic sometimes?" Big Boo answers, "Booze helps you process, at least, where I come from." Piper: "My family just yelled at each other when they drank and then pretended like nothing happened." Not finding this surprising, Big Boo reacts, "Ah. This explains the wide-eyed ice-princess uptight thing." Piper immediately denies this: "I'm not uptight!" Of course, this results in a cubicle-wide fit of laughter that even Alex can't help but join in on. Denial, party of one.
Vauseman's Poker Faces While Sipping Gin and Juice
Oh God, don't vom, don't vom, don't vom...
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It hurts so good
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While everyone is enjoying a laugh at Piper's expense, a cardboard "Tricia" that was hanging on the side of the room suddenly slips from the wall and dangles from the end of the rope by the window, causing everyone to be very unpleasantly reminded of the reason they are together. Big Boo goes through Tricia's book of debts, concluding, "That girl, she was good. Better than any of us. Too fucking good for this fucking place." Disagreeing, Nichols corrects, "Well, fuck that. We all are."
The next morning, we find Piper with her head down on a cafeteria table, hungover from the contraband cocktail she recently imbibed. When Claudette walks by, Piper notices her spiffed up look and comments, "You're looking very nice today." A smirk on her face, Claudette sasses, "Better than you, at least." Piper asks, "Are you off to see you-know-who?" Claudette gives a playful "Perhaps," and apparently, these two roomies have morphed into super besties. It's kinda cute and yet, for some reason, kinda creepy. Either way, I approve! Piper reminds her, "Well, don't forget: Larry's interview is at 11 a.m." Claudette promises, "I
The next morning, we find Piper with her head down on a cafeteria table, hungover from the contraband cocktail she recently imbibed. When Claudette walks by, Piper notices her spiffed up look and comments, "You're looking very nice today." A smirk on her face, Claudette sasses, "Better than you, at least." Piper asks, "Are you off to see you-know-who?" Claudette gives a playful "Perhaps," and apparently, these two roomies have morphed into super besties. It's kinda cute and yet, for some reason, kinda creepy. Either way, I approve! Piper reminds her, "Well, don't forget: Larry's interview is at 11 a.m." Claudette promises, "I
You never say anything about my areolas! Ever! And they're gorgeous!
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wouldn't miss it." Awww. Even Alex notices this, observing, "Well, you two are like real butt buddies these days." Exactly! That's exactly the phrase I would use!
Piper notices Leanne, one of Pennsatucky's disciples, sitting alone at a table, looking depressed and lost. She asks Alex, "What do you think about that thing that Big Boo said last night about Tricia's karma?" Alex, a realist, answers matter-of-factly, "I think that we were all drunk and bullshitting." Piper doesn't agree, revealing, "I don't think Pennsatucky deserves to be in Psych." Having none of this, Alex tells her, "Look, you're just hung over and feeling emo, all right? She's exactly where she belongs. We basically performed a public service." Okay, so, Alex is probably not going to wear a "Free Tucky" shirt anytime soon. She reminds Piper, "You thought it was hilarious." "That was before I talked to Suzanne about what Psych was like," says Piper. After she clarifies who "Suzanne" is commonly known as, Alex asks her, "Are you cheating on me and Larry with Crazy Eyes? 'Cause there is not room for the four of us." *Snort. Oh Alex, I do enjoy you. Principal Chapman, though, scolds, "Shut up. This is not funny. She said that Psych |
is even worse than the SHU." Going from faulting herself to starting to point fingers elsewhere, she tells Alex, "You know, you really shouldn't have started this whole gaslighting thing." Oh Jesus...Piper, you just love being the pot accusing kettles of being black, don't you? This understandably triggers Alex: "Whoa, what is with the blaming? You sent her into that bathroom. Do not project your conscience onto me...especially before I'm barely awake." What happened to you guys sexin' it up in the morning? Please don't tell me you've replaced it with cafeteria spats.
On her campaign to rid herself of guilt, Piper lets out in frustration, "I am so tired of running away from my shit, Alex. You said it yesterday. I compartmentalize everything to make myself feel better. I mean, I'm having an affair with you. (I'm glad we're finally admitting this). And we did not play a prank on Pennsatucky. We were mean. I cannot let her stay in Psych." Uh, listen, I agree it's not good to get anyone put in Psych, but it's not like you actually did. Yes, you sent Pennsatucky into the bathroom, but you didn't force her to unseat the teenage girl and then mount her. I understand that Alex encouraged her to believe she was performing miracles, but she's a nutbag for believing she was doing it in the first place! Either way, this is not going to end well. Looking annoyed by Piper's new attitude, Alex puts on the record, "Okay, I would like to stress that I think this is truly fucking stupid." You guys...come on, Vauseman! Will someone please turn on Milkshake by Kelis - maybe that'll turn this around.
When that scene ends, what begins: MOAR VAUSEMAN in a flashback. Huzzah! Oh wait, no. This looks sad. Piper's frantically running around their bedroom, desperately looking for her passport while Alex sits frozen in place on the bed, tears threatening the edges of her eyes. When Piper cluelessly yells for Alex to help her in her search, Alex reveals in a broken and strained voice, "My mom died." Oh no...
On her campaign to rid herself of guilt, Piper lets out in frustration, "I am so tired of running away from my shit, Alex. You said it yesterday. I compartmentalize everything to make myself feel better. I mean, I'm having an affair with you. (I'm glad we're finally admitting this). And we did not play a prank on Pennsatucky. We were mean. I cannot let her stay in Psych." Uh, listen, I agree it's not good to get anyone put in Psych, but it's not like you actually did. Yes, you sent Pennsatucky into the bathroom, but you didn't force her to unseat the teenage girl and then mount her. I understand that Alex encouraged her to believe she was performing miracles, but she's a nutbag for believing she was doing it in the first place! Either way, this is not going to end well. Looking annoyed by Piper's new attitude, Alex puts on the record, "Okay, I would like to stress that I think this is truly fucking stupid." You guys...come on, Vauseman! Will someone please turn on Milkshake by Kelis - maybe that'll turn this around.
When that scene ends, what begins: MOAR VAUSEMAN in a flashback. Huzzah! Oh wait, no. This looks sad. Piper's frantically running around their bedroom, desperately looking for her passport while Alex sits frozen in place on the bed, tears threatening the edges of her eyes. When Piper cluelessly yells for Alex to help her in her search, Alex reveals in a broken and strained voice, "My mom died." Oh no...
You know what I heard is the first step in the grieving process?
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No, what?
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Finding my passport...let's try it now. Snap to it
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Transforming into a caring, feeling human being, Piper goes to Alex's side, as Alex stumbles through explaining what she has just been told: "My aunt just called up. It happened this morning, I guess. My first instinct was to call her to talk about it." Aww...Alex. Piper wraps her up in an embrace, softly stroking the back of her head, while trying to comfort her. Looking utterly lost, Alex tells Piper that her mother apparently died of an aneurysm, but so many things were said that she's not even sure of anything. Piper asks, "What can I do?" Pulling herself together a bit, Alex gets up from the bed, answering, "I don't know. I mean, I need to fly home. I need to figure out the funeral because there's no one else to do it...Will you see if you could find us two seats out on a flight today?" After a longer-than-usual period of silence, Piper says, "Al, I can't go with you." Uh oh...