Published on May 11, 2014
When episode 1.11: Tall Men with Feelings opens, Pornstache is carelessly removing Tricia's belongings from her cubicle under the watchful eyes of the other inmates. Before he can do too much damage, Nichols stops him. Red informs, "We'll take care of it from here," and Pornstache smartly relents and leaves the job to Tricia's friends.
At the NPR studios, Larry shows up to appear on Maury Kind's Urban Tales, looking like his grandmother dressed him again. When he checks in, Piper calls his cell, but he rejects the call, instead asking for a water because, "Got to keep the vocal chords hydrated, you know?" Oh Larry, so early into the episode and already you're embarrassing yourself. He goes to sit down in the waiting room, and as he self-consciously preens himself, another guest looks on, presumably with pity. The man, Ben Palmer,
At the NPR studios, Larry shows up to appear on Maury Kind's Urban Tales, looking like his grandmother dressed him again. When he checks in, Piper calls his cell, but he rejects the call, instead asking for a water because, "Got to keep the vocal chords hydrated, you know?" Oh Larry, so early into the episode and already you're embarrassing yourself. He goes to sit down in the waiting room, and as he self-consciously preens himself, another guest looks on, presumably with pity. The man, Ben Palmer,
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introduces himself and asks Larry, "Does your boyfriend live far away?" Oh Ben, I enjoy you very much already. When Larry clarifies that his partner is female, Ben explains his assumption, "The cardigan threw me." Ah, it got better.
Back at LCF, Nichols and Piper are hard at work in the electric shop, when Nichols mentions, "Hey, heard your dude's gonna be on the radio tomorrow." This is news to Piper, as Larry hasn't spoken to her for a week. That's not a good sign. As Piper attempts to unravel a mess of Christmas lights, she vents in frustration, "You know, it's like the sole purpose of these things is to end up tangled. Why has no one figured out a solution yet?" Luschek cracks, "All right, Seinfeld. Calm down. You in a hurry to hang yourself with it?" Whoa, dude. At this, Piper's face sours and she stands up in protest, challenging him, "Less than 24 hours and you're making a joke? Someone is dead." Luschek, though, does not give a crap about his abysmal insensitivity: "Jesus Christ, you have your red dot special?" Oh my God, he's not. "Communists in your funhouse? Crimson tide?" Ugh, apparently, he is. Someone please shoot him for me. Piper |
Oh no, do my breasts look uneven again?
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answers, "Okay, perfect. By all means, attribute my legitimate feelings of sadness to menses." Nichols asks Piper, "You really just say 'menses'?" Yes, yes she did. Predictably, Luschek is uncomfortable when confronted with the literal explanation of what he is doing, telling Piper, "That's gross." Continuing the fight on the playground, Piper retorts, "You're gross." I'm waiting for their parents to step in and take them back to their strollers.
Instead, Luschek feels his self-confidence threatened as someone actually called him out on his nonsense, so he changes tones, asking Piper, "Excuse me, inmate? What did you say to me?" Sensing the danger in this, Nichols interrupts, "Hey, Chapman! Oh! Pick your battles. Didn't your vacation on the sunny island of SHU teach your anything?" Thank the good Lord that someone has some sense in here. Piper switches focus, promising Nichols that she's going to arrange a memorial for Tricia, so her passing is acknowledged somehow. Confused by the impetus behind this plan, Nichols comments, "You barely knew her. What are you doing?" Piper merely answers, "Untangling," as the gears in her head start to turn.
Instead, Luschek feels his self-confidence threatened as someone actually called him out on his nonsense, so he changes tones, asking Piper, "Excuse me, inmate? What did you say to me?" Sensing the danger in this, Nichols interrupts, "Hey, Chapman! Oh! Pick your battles. Didn't your vacation on the sunny island of SHU teach your anything?" Thank the good Lord that someone has some sense in here. Piper switches focus, promising Nichols that she's going to arrange a memorial for Tricia, so her passing is acknowledged somehow. Confused by the impetus behind this plan, Nichols comments, "You barely knew her. What are you doing?" Piper merely answers, "Untangling," as the gears in her head start to turn.
Is someone there? Who is it?
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Oh, just your resident life-changing orgasm-provider, of course
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But I've already had five orgasms today...#PiperChapmanProblems
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Guess who threw a party that no one showed up to? No, not just me - Piper, too. Piper's funeral-planning meeting for Tricia draws a crowd of just one - herself. That is, until Alex sashays her way into the auditorium, a smile upon her face. Unfortunately, Piper only frowns upon her entrance. Rude! Alex notices this as well, chastising Piper, "Okay, here's some advice: When a girl makes you come the way that I do, you should always act thrilled to see her." Agreed! Piper, though, dwells in her pity party and wraps herself in Alex's arms, bemoaning, "I asked some of the girls to come help me plan a memorial for Tricia. Nobody showed up. I don't get it. I guess I'm the only one who cares if there is a funeral." Oh Piper, please.
Alex, pulling back from the hug, replies, "Okay, that's not the most self-involved thing I've heard you say, but it's definitely up there." She laughs at Piper, who says in exasperation, "Please, Alex, will you stop pretending like nothing happened?" Alex:
Alex, pulling back from the hug, replies, "Okay, that's not the most self-involved thing I've heard you say, but it's definitely up there." She laughs at Piper, who says in exasperation, "Please, Alex, will you stop pretending like nothing happened?" Alex:
Alex: You're horrifically self-centered, but damn it, if your ass doesn't do something magical to me down below
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"Pipes, you can't force people to mourn the way you want them to just because it'll make you feel better." Piper vehemently denies this, but Alex counters, "'Cause I think we both know that dealing with emotional chaos is not one of your strong suits." Ouch. "Which is why we're not having an affair, we're just being human." How convenient for you. Uh, Alex, call it whatever you want; this is an affair.
She goes on to point out to Piper, "[Y]ou are planning a memorial for a girl that you barely knew." Piper defends, "We talked. I did know her." Alex: "Did you know her better than you knew my mom?" Uh oh, I feel like there's a story behind this. With a sad face, Piper softly tells Alex, "That's not fair." Attempting to avoid diving into past drama (though she was the one who brought it up), Alex moves on: "Look, life gets messy sometimes. You know, you gotta learn you can't always fix it." She scoots closer to Piper and softly strokes the hair away from her face, when suddenly we hear the sultry tones of Crazy Eyes entering from behind them: "Heigh ho, heigh ho. It's off to work I go. Oh!" |
As soon as Vauseman hears Crazy Eyes, they separate like two teenagers caught making out at a school dance in the hallway. Alex looks particularly perturbed at this interruption, as she was probably ready to round the bases and sprint towards home. Crazy Eyes tells the duo to not worry about her, as she is just there to buff the floors, but while she sets up the buffer, she begins to sing, "Vanilla and vanilla...swirl, swirl. Swirl, swirl." Stupidly, Piper criticizes the use of the term "swirl": "You know, I don't actually think it's a swirl if it's the same flavor." Piper! Do you want another piss pool in your cubicle with Miss Claudette?! Keep it shut!
Crazy Eyes completely ignores Piper's statement and says instead, "You know, if you were still my wife, I would tell you all the time how much I like your titties!" Aw, how nice. Piper tries to swallow her laughter at this and turns her head, but Alex just gives Piper a wide-eyed look of alarm. Crazy Eyes continues, "'Cause girls like that...and that is a tip from me to you." Alex nods her head in agreement, feigning appreciation for Crazy Eyes' words of wisdom. Smart move on her part.
Crazy Eyes completely ignores Piper's statement and says instead, "You know, if you were still my wife, I would tell you all the time how much I like your titties!" Aw, how nice. Piper tries to swallow her laughter at this and turns her head, but Alex just gives Piper a wide-eyed look of alarm. Crazy Eyes continues, "'Cause girls like that...and that is a tip from me to you." Alex nods her head in agreement, feigning appreciation for Crazy Eyes' words of wisdom. Smart move on her part.
Now that I think about it, Piper never compliments my titties...
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You know...Alex never says anything about my titties, either...
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I wish Crazy Eyes would swirl with me...
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Flashback time! And we find ourselves back in the former era of Vauseman, where they appear to be living in quite the swanky digs. While Alex types away on her laptop, Piper comes into their bedroom and lies on their bed, coaxing, "Alex, I miss you." Alex replies like a cranky old man, "I don't have time to wander around flea markets and drink cafe au lait with you." Oh no! What about sex? Do you have time for sex? Piper cradles her face between her hands and argues in a saccharine voice, "But I'm so cute. Look how cute I am." I can't argue with that. She is cute...kinda creepy...but still cute. Alex, in a more apologetic tone, tells her, "Baby, I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking stressed." Going from cute to frustrated and bitter in a half a second, Piper complains, "But you're always so fucking stressed. I feel like a pathetic housewife. Is this our life now?"
Piper gets up off the bed in disappointment and starts to walk out of the room, but Alex smartly realizes that letting her leave would not be a good idea, so she calls her back first. Gently rubbing her arms, Alex proposes, "Let me take you out tonight,
Piper gets up off the bed in disappointment and starts to walk out of the room, but Alex smartly realizes that letting her leave would not be a good idea, so she calls her back first. Gently rubbing her arms, Alex proposes, "Let me take you out tonight,
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okay? Anywhere you want to go." Aw, there we go. Piper's face breaks into a hesitant smile and the two of them share a small kiss. Seemingly placated, Piper turns to leave in a better mood, but Alex has another proposition for her: "Would you be up for a trip to Istanbul this weekend?" Oooh, very nice. Immediately, Piper answers, "Yes! Of course!" Letting out a sigh of relief, Alex says, "Oh babe, that's great. Thank you. I think you should be able to get there and back in a day, so you won't even have to stay overnight. I'm gonna call and set up your ticket for you." Excusez-moi? Color me confused. I thought this was going to be a couple's vacation. Apparently, Piper thought the same thing.
Piper says in horror, "Oh my God. I thought for a second you meant we would go together...like a vacation...like normal people." Alex, unapologetically: "I need you to do this." You could say "please" at the very least, Ms. Vause! Both of you need a lesson in manners. "I wouldn't ask if I had any other option." Getting angrier by the second, Piper responds, "I specifically told you that I would never do that again. |
I swear she tweets and reblogs more than we have sex
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Jesus, I am so stupid. I really am. I'm just another drug mule to you." Maybe, but a cute drug mule. Furious at this accusation, Alex yells, "You are such a naive asshole sometimes!" Mirroring the outright indignation she had when Alex told her she was a horse's ass in 1.08: Moscow Mule, Piper screams, "I'm an asshole?!" Alex, let's avoid referring to Piper in any manner involving an ass - it's clearly a trigger point for her.