Continued from Page 3 of Orange is the New Black 1.10: Bora Bora Bora
It's Scared Straight time! When the youngins are brought into the rec room, Hell is unleashed and the inmates literally run at the fresh meat. I seriously would have pooped in my pants had I been one of those girls. I would have pooped my pants and then pulled a "potato bug" and curled up into a fetal position until I heard kind words being spoken to me by a gentle voice. I am so weak. Each inmate picks a specific girl and proceeds to barrage her with insults and threats. Well, that is, until we hit Crazy Eyes, who takes this opportunity to practice a less popular Shakespeare play - Coriolanus - to a very confused young visitor. I do not believe LCF could have picked a more effective person to participate in Scared Straight than Crazy Eyes. Let's have a round of applause for casting director/guard Bell for getting Crazy Eyes in the lineup. Beautiful work.
I do not remember the episode of The Cosby Show where Claire Huxtable did this
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Dafuq?
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In another part of LCF, Vauseman is watching Pennsatucky embrace her role as "Jesus' Number One," as she is now healing people left and right. Notice, though, all of her followers are the same weird white girls who followed her before. It's not like anybody else has been tricked, thankfully. Pennsatucky looks like one of those preachers from the South who televises their sermons and go around curing ailments on a loud speaker. Seeing how deluded Pennsatucky has become, Piper comments, "I can't even...This is, this is evil. This is evil." Alex corrects her, "No, this is divine retribution." Piper says, "I'm gonna pee in my pants" and walks away as Alex just looks on, enjoying the show.
Piper goes straight from the hallway into the bathroom, where the Scared Straight program is taking a little tour. When Poussey and Black Cindy see Piper enter, they find another opportunity to scare the girls, warning, "Itchy feet not the only thing you gotta worry about, right? Tell 'em, Chapman." Guard Bell adds, "Tell 'em what happens when you drop a bar of soap in prison." Piper,
Piper goes straight from the hallway into the bathroom, where the Scared Straight program is taking a little tour. When Poussey and Black Cindy see Piper enter, they find another opportunity to scare the girls, warning, "Itchy feet not the only thing you gotta worry about, right? Tell 'em, Chapman." Guard Bell adds, "Tell 'em what happens when you drop a bar of soap in prison." Piper,
Piper: Hi diddly ho, little ladies, mind if I scooch through
to exfoliate and moisturize? |
returning to her "dumb as a box of rocks" days that I thought we were past, chides, "You know, I don't really think that that stereotype applies here." Someone shank her, please. She clarifies, "Well, okay, but I use body wash." Oh, dear, dear, dear Je-sus. Shank her twice, please.
As soon as Piper says this, one of the girls mutters, "Man, this is a joke! You all just putting on a show." If Piper was in charge of Scared Straight, they would have to change the program's name to "Made Moderately Uncomfortable by Certain Life Choices." Trying to maintain some control, Poussey yells at a kid to be quiet, threatening, "Shut up real quick once Chapman gets you." Black Cindy continues in this "predatory lesbian" vein, informing everyone, "That's right. Chapman a stone cold lesbian, and she put you through your paces." Ah, this really is scared "straight." Piper, refusing to just go with the flow, asks, "Why am I the stone cold lesbian?" Black Cindy just says, "Lesbionic." That in no way answered Piper's question, and I love it. Back in the hallways of LCF, Pornstache checks on Tricia, only to find her slumped over against the wall and non-responsive. Oh, Tricia, no. He tries waking her up, but to no avail; Tricia's gone. Finding the bag of Oxy he had forced on her earlier, Pornstache starts to panic and starts |
looking for ideas on what to do. The scene cuts away before we can see what he decides. Man, this sucks. You could tell things weren't moving in the right direction for Tricia, but damn it, that poor kid never stood a chance. *Sigh
Back in the bathrooms, the Scared Straight girls have moved to the other side by the stalls, where they are told of the hazards of prison toilets: "You gotta use the bathroom, everybody see." Flaca adds, "Even if it's number two." Black Cindy: "One, two, three, it don't matter in prison." Can I get a clarification on what three is? Because that terrifies me. The tough girl, Dina, who has been the most resistant to the program tells them, "I don't care." Guard Bell, tired of Dina's shiz, tries a last ditch effort to get through to her: "How 'bout you spend the night here? Just you and Chapman." Black Cindy: "Yeah, you get that wet Chapman treatment." Oh my, what is that?! Clearly, Black Cindy is aware of a lot more than I am - number three, the "wet Chapman treatment." When Dina dismisses the threat with a "Whatever," they decide to call her bluff and leave her alone with Piper. Before they can leave her, Piper tries to clear up their understanding of her sexual orientation, arguing, "You know, I'm not even fully like that."
"'Ha! Little honor to be much believed'," cuts in Crazy Eyes with accusation, while two-pronging her fingers and pointing them at a very bewildered Piper for an unusually long period of time. She is perfection.
Back in the bathrooms, the Scared Straight girls have moved to the other side by the stalls, where they are told of the hazards of prison toilets: "You gotta use the bathroom, everybody see." Flaca adds, "Even if it's number two." Black Cindy: "One, two, three, it don't matter in prison." Can I get a clarification on what three is? Because that terrifies me. The tough girl, Dina, who has been the most resistant to the program tells them, "I don't care." Guard Bell, tired of Dina's shiz, tries a last ditch effort to get through to her: "How 'bout you spend the night here? Just you and Chapman." Black Cindy: "Yeah, you get that wet Chapman treatment." Oh my, what is that?! Clearly, Black Cindy is aware of a lot more than I am - number three, the "wet Chapman treatment." When Dina dismisses the threat with a "Whatever," they decide to call her bluff and leave her alone with Piper. Before they can leave her, Piper tries to clear up their understanding of her sexual orientation, arguing, "You know, I'm not even fully like that."
"'Ha! Little honor to be much believed'," cuts in Crazy Eyes with accusation, while two-pronging her fingers and pointing them at a very bewildered Piper for an unusually long period of time. She is perfection.
Piper: What...
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Piper: is...
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Piper: happening?
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Once alone, Miss Sassypants questions Piper, "So what? Now's the part where you try to scare me?" Piper denies this, calmly telling her, "No. No, I really, I don't want to scare you, but believe me, you don't want to be in here." She puts her arm on Dina's shoulder as a gesture of comfort, but Dina violently recoils, screaming, "Don't touch me! Dyke faggot bitch!" (*Gasp) Young lady, watch your language! Also, it's either "dyke" or "faggot," not both. If you're going to use an inexcusable epithet, at least use it properly. At this, Piper's head tilts in an, "Oh, it's gonna be like this, is it?" type of way. Dina, ya done messed up.
Piper moves slowly towards her until she is standing directly in front of her face. She coldly asks, "Excuse me?" Dina yells back, "You heard me." Yes, she did, and now you're going to hear her. In a frighteningly composed and emotionless voice, Piper begins, "You know, I could tell you a lot of things that would scare you, Dina. I could tell you that I'm gonna make you my prison
Piper moves slowly towards her until she is standing directly in front of her face. She coldly asks, "Excuse me?" Dina yells back, "You heard me." Yes, she did, and now you're going to hear her. In a frighteningly composed and emotionless voice, Piper begins, "You know, I could tell you a lot of things that would scare you, Dina. I could tell you that I'm gonna make you my prison
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bitch. I could tell you that I'm gonna make you my house mouse (WHAT?!), that I will have sex with you even if we don't have an emotional connection, that I'm gonna do to you what the spring does with the cherry trees (Oh, dear Lord), but in a prison way - Pablo Neruda. (Holy shit, she's educating, while she's threatening rape) But why bother? You're too tough, right? Yeah, I know how easy it is to convince yourself you're something that you're not. You could do that on the outside. You can just keep moving...keep yourself so busy you don't have to face who you really are...But...you're weak." When Piper leans down to within inches of her face, Dina warns, "Back the fuck off me." She tries to get away from Piper, but Piper grabs her wheels, and keeps going: "I'm like you, Dina. I'm weak, too. I can't get through this without somebody to touch, without somebody to love. Is that because sex numbs the pain? Or is it because I'm some evil fuck monster? (WHAT?!) I don't know. But I do know, I was somebody before I came in here. I was somebody with a life that I chose for myself. And now, now it's just about getting through the day without crying, and I'm scared. I'm still scared. I'm scared that I'm not myself in here, and I'm scared that I am. (Whoa) Other people aren't
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I'm engaged to a guy named Larry Bloom who has as much sex appeal as an old piece of ham on a stick! How's that sound, Dina?
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the scariest part of prison, Dina, it's coming face-to-face with who you really are because once you're behind these walls, there's nowhere to run, even if you could run. The truth catches up with you in here, Dina, and it's the truth that's gonna make you her bitch." And with that, Piper drops the mic and leaves the stage, I mean, bathroom.
HOLY. MOTHER. OF. GOD. That was terrifying in so many ways. First off, did anyone else think of Mickey Mouse and his show, House of Mouse, when she referenced a "house mouse"? I still am not even sure what that is, but I do know I want nothing to do with it. Second, "fuck monster"? Really? I've never heard of such a thing, but, again, sounds bloody terrible. I'll tell you what: if you want a Scared Straight program with a 100% success rate - get Piper Chapman and Crazy Eyes to lead the charge.
HOLY. MOTHER. OF. GOD. That was terrifying in so many ways. First off, did anyone else think of Mickey Mouse and his show, House of Mouse, when she referenced a "house mouse"? I still am not even sure what that is, but I do know I want nothing to do with it. Second, "fuck monster"? Really? I've never heard of such a thing, but, again, sounds bloody terrible. I'll tell you what: if you want a Scared Straight program with a 100% success rate - get Piper Chapman and Crazy Eyes to lead the charge.
Pennsatucky: Free Willy!
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Nobody, and I mean, nobody will be going to prison ever again. Wow, Piper, I'm never messing with you ever. That "dumb as a box of rocks" comment up above - j/k - so sorry.
When Piper turns the corner to leave the bathroom, she runs right into all the other inmates and Scared Straight girls who apparently overheard her entire "Fuck Monster" monologue. Naturally, they all look at Piper with a newfound fear. Poussey tells her, "Damn, you cold." Piper answers, "Bitches gots to learn." Ohhh-kay, then. Piper walks up the stairs and when she sees Pennsatucky, she tells her, "Hey Doggett, I think there's a soul in the bathroom that needs saving." Oh boy. Dina, sweetie, get the fuck out of the bathroom now! Before Tucky takes a crack at Dina, we do get a quick scene of Pornstache enacting a plan he has come up with to hide Tricia's drug overdose. He tosses some electric cord over the pipes above and it becomes clear what he's setting Tricia up for: suicide. Not pretty. |
Back outside the bathrooms, Guard Bell is wrapping up the Scared Straight program, when Pennsatucky slips past them to find Dina awaiting her personal savior. Suddenly, from outside, the group hears Dina screaming for help, and when Bennett runs in to see what's going on, he finds Pennsatucky riding Dina like she's a pony at a petting zoo. Bennett orders Pennsatucky to dismount, but when she continues her "healing," he pepper sprays her right in the face. She yells out, "Lord, they're blinding me! I am your martyr!" Oh man, I bet Jesus is so embarrassed right now.