Published on April 26, 2014
When we last left Orange is the New Black, the moment we all had been waiting for occurred: we met Crazy Eyes' parents. Well, and I guess we also had Alex and Piper finally unleashing their unresolved passion for one another. I guess that's something, too. As 1.10: Bora Bora Bora opens up, the first thing we hear is Piper proclaiming to Nichols, "I'm not gay." Oh no. That is not the kind of welcome I want. Nichols justifies, "I'm just saying I've noticed a pattern developing around breakfast time. See, you come in late, just before Vause. Strategically staggered arrival?" Morello, with a knowing look on her face, joins in, "Sounds familiar." Piper, though, adamantly denies this: "No, absolutely not. That's ridiculous."
What's your preference? Two in the front?
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Girl, you know you gotta add one in the back...
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I knew it
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Attorney Nichols interrogates, "Okay, where were you then? 'Cause I went by your cube..." Piper, digging into an orange slice like it's made of crack, stalls, "Where was I?" Then we get an immediate flashback to presumably a few minutes ago, where Piper is announcing, "I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming," as Alex is hard at work below. I can't tell - do you think she may be coming? In what appears to be a darkened storage closet, Alex quiets her, "Shhh. Show, don't tell." Then we immediately return to the present, where Piper explains, "So, yes, Alex and I have been spending a lot of time together, but it's not like I'm..."
Nichols finishes her sentence, "What - rejoining the softball league?" Clueless Piper responds, "No, softball is the furthest thing from my mind." Oh Piper, no. Nichols clarifies in her Nichols' way: "By softball, I meant two in her front and then one in the butt,
Nichols finishes her sentence, "What - rejoining the softball league?" Clueless Piper responds, "No, softball is the furthest thing from my mind." Oh Piper, no. Nichols clarifies in her Nichols' way: "By softball, I meant two in her front and then one in the butt,
What? No, Piper has to have at least two in the back!
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and then just eating her pussy a lot 'cause you like it so much...and playing with her titties." Wow, I gotta update myself on the changing definitions of words. I had no idea "softball" meant that nowadays. Used to Nichols by now, Piper calmly tells her, "Let me explain something to you...Alex and I are very old friends. We have an affectionate relationship. I need that. I'm human. It's about comfort, right?" To this, Nichols turns towards Lorna: "Hey, Morello, remember when we used to 'comfort' each other?" Morello immediately answers, "Sure. You were very comfortable." So, the number of people who believe Piper right now is a whopping zero.
At this point, Piper's partner in crime, Alex, takes a seat and is quizzed by Nichols, "Long shower line?" Alex, the unsuspecting innocent that she is, takes the bait, replies, "Yeah, it was really awful today." Standing up in sync with Morello, Nichols says with a smile, "Your hair's dry." Checkmate. As soon as this is said, Piper and Alex share restrained smirks and the adorable quota has already been met for the episode. After breakfast, we find Piper and Alex together again, alone in the |
cafeteria, playing cards with one another. Though, they're not so much as playing cards as they are eye-sexing it up and engaging in moderate to high levels of flirting. Alex gives a sniff to her hand and asks, "Am I crazy or do these cards smell faintly like urine?" She then proceeds to wave the pee cards in Piper's face, predictably resulting in Piper recoiling in disgust, yelling, "Ew! Stop it. Get it away from my face." Alex: "What? Is it bringing back memories? Fifty Shades of Crazy Eyes." Piper gives her schoolgirl giggle in response and these two are totes in puppy love again. Get a room!
When Piper pauses to focus on their entangled hands, she comments, "It's weird how normal this feels. I feel like I'm 23 and no time has passed." Alex replies, "Well, I think that when you have a connection with someone, it never really goes away, you
When Piper pauses to focus on their entangled hands, she comments, "It's weird how normal this feels. I feel like I'm 23 and no time has passed." Alex replies, "Well, I think that when you have a connection with someone, it never really goes away, you
know? You snap back to being important to each other because you still are." Feeeeeelings are happening right now. Piper counters, "But I've changed so much since we were together. Haven't you?" "No, not really, I'm pretty consistent," answers Alex. This reminds me of the scene from Bridesmaids where Annie and Helen get into an argument over whether people change or not, only that Piper is Helen and Alex is Annie:
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I already read three other pamphlets this morning
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Piper: "Can I ask you something?" When Alex gives her the go-ahead, Piper queries, "Do you think it's odd that I haven't heard from Larry since Thanksgiving?" No, but I do think it's odd that you're asking the person you're cheating on Larry with about what she thinks about your relationship with him. When Alex leans back in annoyance, Piper, oblivious to her reaction, goes on, "You know, maybe he's mad at me that I wasn't able to see him while I was in SHU, but that would be totally fucked up, wouldn't it?"
Alex warns, "I'm not sure you're in the position to feel indignant right now, Piper." Ooooh, so true. Piper responds to this by asking, "Do you think I'm a terrible person?" Okay, has anyone who has been asked that question ever answered, "Yes, pretty much, yeah, I think you're a terrible person"? It's a question begging for a negative response, which Alex readily gives: "No! I think that we do what we need to do to survive." Before the conversation continues, Poussey and Black Cindy walk in
Alex warns, "I'm not sure you're in the position to feel indignant right now, Piper." Ooooh, so true. Piper responds to this by asking, "Do you think I'm a terrible person?" Okay, has anyone who has been asked that question ever answered, "Yes, pretty much, yeah, I think you're a terrible person"? It's a question begging for a negative response, which Alex readily gives: "No! I think that we do what we need to do to survive." Before the conversation continues, Poussey and Black Cindy walk in
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and yell at them, "Hey! What the hell you think you're doing?" Uh oh, what's going on? They demand that Alex gives them her shoes, and when she doesn't, Black Cindy yells, "You deaf or something? Take off your motherfucking shoes!" Alex, give the bobos over!
Piper slams her hand down on the table and whips around to the women, telling them, "Hey, back off, all right?" Ooooooh, showdown at recess. SHU changed Piper: she's rough and tumble now. The women mock her attempts at being a tough guy, but when she looks on coldly, they erupt into laughter, revealing that they were just playing with her. That was not a fun game! I would have most definitely handed over my shoes and wept until they left. I'm not ready for prison. Soon enough, the room fills with more inmates as LCF is having prisoners sign up for its "Scared Straight" program, where they allow the women to basically scare the crap out of juvenile delinquents to persuade them to avoid going down a bad path. Who is my favorite Scared Straight participant? Crazy Eyes. She shows up with one goal on her mind - to add another theatrical role onto her résumé. She complains, "Other prisons get to do Shakespeare and shit. I want to |
I've been told I have what is called the "acting bug," or well...at least, the "bug." I believe it's called "chlamydia"
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play a role...like Desdemona, or Ophelia, or Clair Huxtable." All good choices, particularly Clair Huxtable - the badass of badasses. The guard assures her that she can take on any role she wants, provided it frightens the kids to death, which Crazy Eyes gladly agrees to do. These kids have no idea what awaits them.
In the kitchen, Morello is helping (read: annoying) Red by carving characters out of vegetables and telling her stories about her fiancé. Red hints to Morello that she wants her to leave, but oblivious Morello assures Red that she'll stay to help. Pornstache interrupts the vegetable puppet show to pick up some of the drugs he's now forced Red to smuggle in for him into the prison. Oh no. This spells trouble for all involved. While Red silently refuses to discuss this new arrangement, Tricia enters the kitchen and receives a warm welcome from Morello: "Hey! Look who's back from the dungeon of doom!" Aw, Morello is so supportive. The two of them share a hug, but Red stoically continues cutting up food, ignoring Tricia's return. Tricia reports, "So, I detoxed. You know, I'm clean now. Drug-free America, yo." Oh, you precious, innocent gangsta baby, you.
In the kitchen, Morello is helping (read: annoying) Red by carving characters out of vegetables and telling her stories about her fiancé. Red hints to Morello that she wants her to leave, but oblivious Morello assures Red that she'll stay to help. Pornstache interrupts the vegetable puppet show to pick up some of the drugs he's now forced Red to smuggle in for him into the prison. Oh no. This spells trouble for all involved. While Red silently refuses to discuss this new arrangement, Tricia enters the kitchen and receives a warm welcome from Morello: "Hey! Look who's back from the dungeon of doom!" Aw, Morello is so supportive. The two of them share a hug, but Red stoically continues cutting up food, ignoring Tricia's return. Tricia reports, "So, I detoxed. You know, I'm clean now. Drug-free America, yo." Oh, you precious, innocent gangsta baby, you.
I call this cucumber "Mrs. Red"!
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What in God's name did I do to deserve this?
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"What do you want, a medal? A sticker that says, 'Great job'?" asks Red. Well, a sticker would be nice, sure. "I have one rule. No drugs. You lied to my face. You're on your own." Giving a slow nod of her head, Tricia tells her softly, "Fine" and walks out of the kitchen. Man...Tricia just needs a little more guidance and support. She's just a baby - practically a fetus!