Continued from Page 2 of Orange is the New Black Episode 1.09: Fucksgiving
In the LCF bunk spaces, Alex returns to her cubicle to find her mattress missing from her bed. When her roommate (one of Pennsatucky's minions) just laughs when she demands answers, she goes to report it to a guard. He unsympathetically tells her that she can fill out a form to try and get one put on her bed. When she is told it will take a couple of weeks to replace it, she angrily asks, "And what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Sleep on the frame?" Yup, unfortunately. The guard rudely shuts the door in her face, and when she goes to knock on the door again, we get another Vause flashback!
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This time, the person opening the door is a middle-aged rocker-type dude. He asks the now-adult Alex, "Who are you?" After she pauses in hesitation, she replies hopefully, "I'm Alex." This doesn't ring a bell with him, so, she clarifies, "I'm your daughter." Oh man. So, this is rock god Lee Burley?
Staring back at her in shock, he lets out, "Holy shit." Hmmm, probably not the words Alex dreamed her father would say to her on their first meeting. He brings her into the room, where alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs litter the place, along with other band members and groupies. He begins by complaining about the crappy gigs his band has and then tells a "Lonnie" to "shut up." It's what Lifetime made-for-tv movies are made of. Finally, though, he turns to Alex and tells her, "I can't believe you're my kid, man! You're my kid! I'm so happy to see you" Aw, he looks actually excited about it. Alex, with a growing smile on her face, shyly responds, "Yeah, me too." Awww. Her dad goes on,"'Cause I would've never recognized you in a million years. And you got a serious rack on you, too." *GASP OF HORROR. Did he just say "rack" in a non-"spice rack" or "bike rack" type of way? I'm pretty sure he did. As Alex self-consciously closes the front of her jacket, father of the year Lee jokes, "I mean, I could have accidentally fucked her, right?" YOU ARE A |
Holy balls, my dad is a douchelord
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MONSTER OF UNFATHOMABLE PROPORTIONS.
Alex stands up and goes to take a minute in the bathroom. As soon as she's inside, she closes the door and falls back against the bathroom wall, trying to compose herself after the soul-crushing ordeal that just took place with her father. Aw...poor Alex. When she steps out of the bathroom, she runs right into a guy who was in the room with her father. He looks familiar. He introduces himself as Fahri and offers her a bump of drugs. She declines, causing him to observe, "Smart girl." When she asks him what he does, he mirrors what Alex tells Piper when they first met, "I work for an international drug cartel." Just like Piper, she laughs at this, but when he maintains a serious face, she quickly realizes that he's being honest. And now I remember him - he's the guy who met up with her in another flashback, promoting her in the drug ring. Danger, danger! I don't know why I'm yelling - I've seen the future.
In present times, Piper is taking a very scary shower in the SHU bathroom, with one of her wrists handcuffed to the wall. This could potentially be a very sexy setup, but with a guard standing nearby, the dingy state of the showering area, and the poor
Alex stands up and goes to take a minute in the bathroom. As soon as she's inside, she closes the door and falls back against the bathroom wall, trying to compose herself after the soul-crushing ordeal that just took place with her father. Aw...poor Alex. When she steps out of the bathroom, she runs right into a guy who was in the room with her father. He looks familiar. He introduces himself as Fahri and offers her a bump of drugs. She declines, causing him to observe, "Smart girl." When she asks him what he does, he mirrors what Alex tells Piper when they first met, "I work for an international drug cartel." Just like Piper, she laughs at this, but when he maintains a serious face, she quickly realizes that he's being honest. And now I remember him - he's the guy who met up with her in another flashback, promoting her in the drug ring. Danger, danger! I don't know why I'm yelling - I've seen the future.
In present times, Piper is taking a very scary shower in the SHU bathroom, with one of her wrists handcuffed to the wall. This could potentially be a very sexy setup, but with a guard standing nearby, the dingy state of the showering area, and the poor
Piper Chapman having the opposite of a "foodgasm"
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lighting, it continues to just be terrible. Meanwhile, Alex is also getting out of a shower in the normal LCF bathroom, but when she returns to her stuff that she left on a bench, she finds her glasses snapped in two. Not nice! The culprits, Pennsatucky and company, giggle from around the corner and run out of the bathroom before Alex is able to do anything. I do not like where this war between Vauseman and Pennsatucky is going, particularly with our ladies being on the losing side so far.
In Piper's cell, after she's served some putrid, moldy food, she hears another voice coming from the vent connecting her cell to another's. She says hello, leading to a voice asking, "Are you real?" Yes, but I'm not sure that voice is. It sounds weird. Piper confirms her existence and asks the unidentified voice the same question, leading to the answer of "I don't know." That's a comforting answer. At Larry and Cal's Thanksgiving celebration, Polly, Pete, and their new son, Finn, arrive with another guest in tow. Cal tells the new parents, "[Finn] looks like Steve Buscemi." Cal, you charmer, you. We're told the |
plus one is none other than NPR host, Maury Kind. Larry, like the whitebread upper middle-class dude that he is, geeks out, telling Maury, "I love your show. I mean, I love...I love you." Sadly, I think my reaction would be the same if I had the opportunity to meet any of the NPR radio hosts as well. Polly, though, is here for one thing - Thanksgiving - and she orders, "Back off, Larry," so that everyone can migrate to the table.
Back in SHU, Piper apparently is a full believer in the reality of her vent-mate, having a very loud discussion with her about the bullshit setup of a predominantly male administration overseeing and controlling the all-female population at LCF. She ain't wrong, but I don't know how good of an idea it is to be vocally criticizing the people who hold the keys to your cell. The woman on the other side tells Piper that she's been down in SHU approximately 9 months, maybe a year, as she has lost track of it. Oh God. When she describes to Piper the awful consequences of being in SHU, Piper starts to regret everything she said to Healy, panicked that she may never get out of SHU. She exclaims, "I am so fucking stupid. I am so fucking stupid! What's wrong with me?" She swears, akin to Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With the Wind, "I swear to God that if they let me out of here...I will shut up. I will shut up and I will put my head down and I will do my time and I'll smile at Healy and I won't go near her [Alex]. I won't even look at her. I can do that. I can do that, I can." Having a complete breakdown, she sobs, "Please. Please don't leave me here." It's incredibly difficult to watch, and obviously, must be a million times worse to experience. SHU is so evil it can make you swear off gay sex - abominable.
Back in SHU, Piper apparently is a full believer in the reality of her vent-mate, having a very loud discussion with her about the bullshit setup of a predominantly male administration overseeing and controlling the all-female population at LCF. She ain't wrong, but I don't know how good of an idea it is to be vocally criticizing the people who hold the keys to your cell. The woman on the other side tells Piper that she's been down in SHU approximately 9 months, maybe a year, as she has lost track of it. Oh God. When she describes to Piper the awful consequences of being in SHU, Piper starts to regret everything she said to Healy, panicked that she may never get out of SHU. She exclaims, "I am so fucking stupid. I am so fucking stupid! What's wrong with me?" She swears, akin to Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With the Wind, "I swear to God that if they let me out of here...I will shut up. I will shut up and I will put my head down and I will do my time and I'll smile at Healy and I won't go near her [Alex]. I won't even look at her. I can do that. I can do that, I can." Having a complete breakdown, she sobs, "Please. Please don't leave me here." It's incredibly difficult to watch, and obviously, must be a million times worse to experience. SHU is so evil it can make you swear off gay sex - abominable.
Do you want to know what I just brought back?
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Sexy
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Outside of SHU, Nichols tracks down Alex in the laundry room to get her bag. Alex, though, is in the middle of doing her own fix-it with her glasses, taping them together at the bridge. Nichols asks what happened to her specs and Alex answers, "Smashed in the name of Jesus!" Ha ha...amazing. "She's decided it's her Christian duty to annihilate me...because I'm a 'privileged rich girl'...which is hilarious because those types of girls tortured me my whole fucking life. If you and I had met in fifth grade, you'd have made fun of my clothes." She puts her newly repaired glasses on, and somehow, she has managed to look even more adorable than she did before. Yer a wizard, Alex!
She tells Nichols that she preyed on girls like her for the drug ring, and that she would have gotten Nichols in a second. Nichols asks, "What makes you think I would've fallen for your shit?" Alex replies matter-of-factly, "Well, you grew up rich, so you're used to easy money. You have enough stamps in your passport to avoid suspicion. You hate your parents. You're in your experimental phase. All you wanna do is fuck a woman or Black guy...have some adventure...and still be able to afford a Birkin bag." She's the
She tells Nichols that she preyed on girls like her for the drug ring, and that she would have gotten Nichols in a second. Nichols asks, "What makes you think I would've fallen for your shit?" Alex replies matter-of-factly, "Well, you grew up rich, so you're used to easy money. You have enough stamps in your passport to avoid suspicion. You hate your parents. You're in your experimental phase. All you wanna do is fuck a woman or Black guy...have some adventure...and still be able to afford a Birkin bag." She's the
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lesbian Sherlock Holmes.
Nichols, in awe of Alex's dead-on read of her, asks a good question, "Was that who Piper was?" Alex answers seriously, "No, no, Piper was different." Awww. Nichols: "Why? 'Cause you loved her?" Alex: "Because she was different." Awww times two. While Alex and Nichols may be flirty with each other, this conversation shows that Alex's feelings and views about Piper are drastically different than her feelings for Nichols. In the chapel, Sophia tells Sister Ingalls of her wife's new relationship with a pastor. Sister Ingalls responds, "I'm not surprised. A lot of women lust after their pastors. It's very common." Is it? Ew. Sophia explains the bind she has been put in: "She wants my blessing." Uh, that's a bit much to ask for, particularly so soon. Feeling different from me, apparently, Sister Ingalls advises Sophia, "Then you should give it to her." She tells Sophia that Crystal deserves to have some happiness (read: penis) during Sophia's incarceration, and that Sophia should just "Let her go." Obviously, as soon as she suggests that, I hear Idina Menzel belting out, "Let it go! Let it go!" I |
Sophia, Crystal needs the "D"
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definitely feel that a bit of Disney/Pixar would have added to this scene nicely. Sadly, Adele Dazeem does not appear, and Sophia is left with a difficult decision.
Over at Larry's Thanksgiving, after meeting Cal's new girlfriend, Neri, Cal asks Polly, "Speaking of scars, how was it? The whole birth thing? Did you eat your placenta?" Beautiful segue, Cal. Polly reports that she did not, in fact, consume her own placenta, leading Cal to lament the missed opportunity she had for a delicious and nutritious meal. I love Creative Cal. Across the table, Larry is taking the opportunity to chat up Mr. NPR about his New York Times' article, and by chat up, I mean attempt to shove his way on to Maury's program. He tells him, "I consider myself a much better verbal storyteller." Really? Oh Larry, you're embarrassing yourself. Maury resists Larry's efforts as best he can, but eventually he relents and throws Larry a bone: "We are working on a show about unique long-distance relationships." Uh, Maury, unless you're working on a show about "unique long-distance relationships that ended badly," you're not going to want Larry. Their "relationship" is looking more and more past-tense every second that passes.
Over at Larry's Thanksgiving, after meeting Cal's new girlfriend, Neri, Cal asks Polly, "Speaking of scars, how was it? The whole birth thing? Did you eat your placenta?" Beautiful segue, Cal. Polly reports that she did not, in fact, consume her own placenta, leading Cal to lament the missed opportunity she had for a delicious and nutritious meal. I love Creative Cal. Across the table, Larry is taking the opportunity to chat up Mr. NPR about his New York Times' article, and by chat up, I mean attempt to shove his way on to Maury's program. He tells him, "I consider myself a much better verbal storyteller." Really? Oh Larry, you're embarrassing yourself. Maury resists Larry's efforts as best he can, but eventually he relents and throws Larry a bone: "We are working on a show about unique long-distance relationships." Uh, Maury, unless you're working on a show about "unique long-distance relationships that ended badly," you're not going to want Larry. Their "relationship" is looking more and more past-tense every second that passes.