Continued from Page 1 of Orange is the New Black Episode 1.09: Fucksgiving
When Team No Homo arrives, Vauseman is being surrounded by a group of cheering inmates as the two of them enthusiastically gyrate and thrust against one another. (Another delightful thrust-focused gifset is linked here from Tumblr as well.) Horrified by seeing that Pennsatucky's allegations were true, Healy barks out, "Chapman! Get over here." Piper sheepishly walks over to Healy, as the music comes to an abrupt stop and everyone waits for Angry Dad to start yelling at his rebellious daughter. Piper tries to explain, "We were just..."
"Shut your mouth, Chapman. You think it's appropriate to violate your fellow inmate?" asks Healy. Confused by this mischaracterization, Piper responds, "Violate? We were just dancing..." "I said shut your mouth!" yells Healy. Oh shit, this is not good. Piper defends, "You asked me a question." I would not have done that. Healy did the classic parent move of "Answer me!" and then when you give them an answer, they respond, "Don't you talk back to me!" Pointing out the unfairness of this never helps. Healy turns to Pornstache and says, "That looked like attempted rape to me. Take her to SHU." OH GOD, NO.
"Shut your mouth, Chapman. You think it's appropriate to violate your fellow inmate?" asks Healy. Confused by this mischaracterization, Piper responds, "Violate? We were just dancing..." "I said shut your mouth!" yells Healy. Oh shit, this is not good. Piper defends, "You asked me a question." I would not have done that. Healy did the classic parent move of "Answer me!" and then when you give them an answer, they respond, "Don't you talk back to me!" Pointing out the unfairness of this never helps. Healy turns to Pornstache and says, "That looked like attempted rape to me. Take her to SHU." OH GOD, NO.
Wait, remind me, what is SHU again?
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Oh, that's right, it's...OH NOOOOOOOOOSSSS!
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As soon as "SHU" is uttered, a communal gasp is heard in the room. Just look at Alex's little scared face after she hears "SHU." Piper, in disbelief: "What? You can't do that." Pornstache even agrees with this, quietly adding, "Yeah, she's kind of right," but Healy is having none of it and takes him to task for questioning his authority. At this point, Alex intervenes, arguing, "She didn't even do anything," but Healy flips around and screams at her, "Step back! Or I will cite you for assaulting an officer." Oh, man. Piper starts spiraling in panic: "I have visitation today. Larry's coming to see me. You can't do this. Please don't do this to me!" In a kind gesture, Pornstache tries to calm her down and he gets her out of there before Piper can get herself into even more trouble. As Pennsatucky stands behind Healy with a satisfied smile, Alex's eyes lock onto hers, and it's very clear that Pennsatucky will face some repercussions for her involvement in what has just happened.
Piper is led down into SHU, which proves to be as scary as advertised - dark, lonely, and reverberating with the sounds of suffering from its inhabitants. She's placed in her holding cell, and when she asks how long she's going to be in SHU, the guard answers only, "'Til we let you out." Wow, who knew that Piper's rejection of Healy's control would ever turn into this?
Piper is led down into SHU, which proves to be as scary as advertised - dark, lonely, and reverberating with the sounds of suffering from its inhabitants. She's placed in her holding cell, and when she asks how long she's going to be in SHU, the guard answers only, "'Til we let you out." Wow, who knew that Piper's rejection of Healy's control would ever turn into this?
What do you mean I'm adopted?!
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Afterwards, in the visiting area, we are in for a much nicer treat as it's time to meet the parents of Crazy Eyes, or I guess I should say - Suzanne. This obscenely pleasant white couple, and I do mean white, adorably chats with Crazy Eyes about family happenings, such as Grammy's new boyfriend. When Crazy Eyes exclaims, "No shit!" in reaction to her grandma's love life, her mom quickly chastises, "Suzanne." Ugh, this is too wonderful. Her mother then moves on to do what many a mother does to many a daughter: pester her about something they have discussed before ad nauseum. Her mom starts in on her daughter's hair, but Crazy Eyes quickly stops her, asserting in frustration: "Mommy, I happen to like my hair like this." This entire scene is pure gold. Across the room, Sophia is visiting with her wife, Crystal who happily reports that her church has a new pastor who is "really welcoming. Very nice. He introduced me to a money manager, who gave me free advice on how to talk to the bank. And he's sweet with Michael." As soon as Crystal mentions the new guy's relationship with her son, Sophia senses |
something is amiss. She asks, "You like him? This pastor?" When Crystal tries to avoid this, Sophia pushes for her to answer, but she replies, "I'm not gonna talk about this. It's Thanksgiving." Well, there's your answer right there.
Crystal: "What do you want me to say? That I met someone and I'm interested? That I'm lonely and I miss men?" Uh no, pretty sure we didn't want you to say any of that. Sophia tells her, "Baby, I don't want some strange man around my son, my wife." Crystal responds, "Well, we don't always get what we want now, do we?" Hey lady, that's not nice! If you've got bad news, at least don't take shots at the person who is receiving it.
Guess who else is supposed to be visiting with a loved one along with Crazy Eyes and Sophia? That's right - Piper "SHU" Chapman. As she just got thrown into solitary, Larry appears for his visit, unaware of the recent incident. When he checks in at
Crystal: "What do you want me to say? That I met someone and I'm interested? That I'm lonely and I miss men?" Uh no, pretty sure we didn't want you to say any of that. Sophia tells her, "Baby, I don't want some strange man around my son, my wife." Crystal responds, "Well, we don't always get what we want now, do we?" Hey lady, that's not nice! If you've got bad news, at least don't take shots at the person who is receiving it.
Guess who else is supposed to be visiting with a loved one along with Crazy Eyes and Sophia? That's right - Piper "SHU" Chapman. As she just got thrown into solitary, Larry appears for his visit, unaware of the recent incident. When he checks in at
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the front desk, he's told she's unavailable: "She's had some privileges revoked. She's in the Security House Unit." Upon hearing this, he understandably freaks out and demands, "I need to speak with your manager, or your superior, whoever the fuck is in charge here, please!" Larry, this isn't Burger King. You can't have it your way. This is prison.
When he continues to be stonewalled, he remembers a potential sympathetic contact inside LCF. He pleads with Fischer, "Okay, can you at least give my phone number to her counselor, Mr. Healy? Okay? And have him call me? Right away, he needs to call me right away." She resists at first, but Larry perseveres, begging her to do him this favor. I gotta admit - this bro cares about her 'cause he's working his ass off to try and get her out of SHU. I'm not saying I ship Piper and him (God no), but it's sweet to see his dedication to her. He ends by asking Fischer to do one last thing: "Will you tell her that I love her? Okay? And to call me. Have her call me. And also that I love her." Poor flailing Larry. Back in Piper's cell, she takes a seat on the floor, trying to acclimate to her new environment - one with no windows, nothing to read, and one engulfed in silence, outside of the frightening screams and rantings of other SHU inmates. It's terrifying and dehumanizing, and dear God, I hope she gets pulled out of there as soon as possible. |
They wouldn't even give me their wi-fi password...
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Outside of SHU, Alex is already enacting her plan to avenge what happened to Piper. She purposefully walks straight into the LCF cafeteria, her targets set on Pennsatucky. Without any warning, Alex grabs Pennsatucky and lays a kiss on her until Pennsatucky can force her off. Ewwww...Alex, I'd suggest you go wash your mouth out right now. Also, get tested. As Pennsatucky starts flipping out, Alex loudly announces to the cafeteria, "Thanks for last night, baby. That shit was amazing. Nobody's ever licked my pussy like that." Oh, gross. I know this is part of your plan, but still, at what cost? At what cost?!
Pennsatucky, of course, passionately denies this, but before it turns into a complete brawl, the two of them are separated by a guard. As Alex turns to leave, Pennsatucky screams at her, "You know, you're going to Hell! And you're gonna burn there for the entire eternity!" Officially done with the situation, Alex lets both middle fingers fly in a double bird and yells back, "I'm already there." Ooooh, that's kind of a damaged response. Also, I'm not really sure what that accomplished other than bothering Pennsatucky a bit. Let's brainstorm other options before doing something like that again.
You know what, Larry? I don't need this. I cook, I clean, but do you ever say thank you or take me out on the town? No
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Elsewhere at Larry's parents' place, an aproned Cal is preparing for Thanksgiving, while Larry is on the phone, desperately trying to scream at someone until they will get Piper out of SHU. When Larry is summarily hung up on, he curses and throws the phone down in frustration. Cal, looking unimpressed, comments, "Dude, that was really dramatic." With Piper indefinitely in SHU, Larry decides to become the Grinch who stole Thanksgiving, announcing, "We have to cancel."
Cal, having already slaved all day in the kitchen, is not on board with this: "Look, I love my sister, dude, but she got herself sent to the hoosegow, and now she's clearly pulled some other shit to get herself into even more trouble. You have done everything you can do." He encourages Larry to do as Piper would want - celebrate Thanksgiving. Larry, do you ruin every gathering of people that you attend? In LCF, Piper gets a visit from the man who sent her there, Healy. He justifies his actions, telling her, "You need a little time out to think about your behavior." Ugh, fuck off, Healy. Piper argues that she was just "dancing," and he responds, "Provocatively. Sexually. Gay sexually." Ooh, I love when people dance gay sexually. It's my favorite type of |
dancing, next to the polka. Healy goes on to explain, "Chapman, I tried to be nice to you because I understand where you come from." She denies this, but he very condescendingly states, "You're not yourself lately. You're acting out." He then describes Alex as "sick," telling Piper, "You're not like her."
Piper, fueled by her lesbian rage: "The only sicko here is you." Oh boy. "And under different circumstances, what? I'd be your girlfriend? Is that it? Did I make you jealous? You put me in this hellhole for no reason. Wake up, Healy! Girls like me? We don't fuck ignorant, pretentious old men with weird lesbian obsessions! We go for tall, hot girls, and we fucking love it! So, that leaves you on the outside, living your sad, sad little life. You don't get me! Ever! So, go fuck yourself!" Piper Chapman used "Fury Attack!" It's super effective...in ensuring that she's not leaving SHU any time in the near future.
Piper, fueled by her lesbian rage: "The only sicko here is you." Oh boy. "And under different circumstances, what? I'd be your girlfriend? Is that it? Did I make you jealous? You put me in this hellhole for no reason. Wake up, Healy! Girls like me? We don't fuck ignorant, pretentious old men with weird lesbian obsessions! We go for tall, hot girls, and we fucking love it! So, that leaves you on the outside, living your sad, sad little life. You don't get me! Ever! So, go fuck yourself!" Piper Chapman used "Fury Attack!" It's super effective...in ensuring that she's not leaving SHU any time in the near future.
Piper Chapman Booking Her One-Way Ticket to "Eternal SHU"
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