Published on April 12, 2014
It's that time of year again: Fucksgiving - where all Americans take a moment to give fucks for all that they have. Or something like that. With a holiday meal just around the corner, the kitchen is in high gear and it appears Red and Nichols are back on better terms, as Nichols has voluntarily chosen to help out. As Red reaches in to one of her boxes of produce, she finds a bag full of assorted drugs that she had not ordered. She immediately knows Pornstache is behind this, cursing him: "Pig fucker!" Tucking the pills into her shirt, she books it to the bathroom to dispose of the stash. As Nichols looks on, she wears a face of guilt for her part in informing on Red to Pornstache. Told ya that wasn't a good idea.
Over in Sophia's salon, Piper is getting her hair done while Sister Ingalls waits alongside. When Sophia begins to wash her hair, Piper starts to become emotional, explaining, "It's just being touched by another person. . . . It's not even sex, you know? I just...I miss contact." Sophia agrees, "Human beings aren't supposed to live like this. I've been in almost two years and there's still nights I reach out for my wife." Aw.
Over in Sophia's salon, Piper is getting her hair done while Sister Ingalls waits alongside. When Sophia begins to wash her hair, Piper starts to become emotional, explaining, "It's just being touched by another person. . . . It's not even sex, you know? I just...I miss contact." Sophia agrees, "Human beings aren't supposed to live like this. I've been in almost two years and there's still nights I reach out for my wife." Aw.
Ohhhh, God yes. Don't stop
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Tell me you're not getting off on this
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This is awkward
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At the mention of Sophia's wife, Piper tells her, "You know, I was thinking about you guys, and I was imagining what I would do if Larry told me that he wanted to be a woman. I'd like to think that I would be open to it, but it would just be so weird. I'm sorry, is that totally rude?"
"No, it's fine," answers Sophia, politely. After thinking a little more on it, Piper comments, "He would make such an ugly girl." No arguments here.
Back in the good ole' laundry room, Pennsatucky is dictating letters to her fans, reciting such inspirational messages as, "You know, I pray for all the dead babies and all their baby souls. And God, he's gonna let them into heaven, even though they weren't
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baptized." Well, that's nice of Him. She ends the letter with, "I will be outta here by 2015, before the rapture." Oh, do we have a date set for that yet? A nearby Alex laughs at this, which, of course, triggers Pennsatucky to yell at her, "And you're not invited because they don't allow gay people on the rapture bus!" Oh no! It's the Bigot Bus!
Alex: "There's a bus?" Pfft, ha, yes. "Are all the seats already taken by Appalachian meth heads?" *Snort. Oh shit, son. Pennsatucky warns her, "I've had it with rich bitches like you." Alex uncharacteristically does not have a response to this. Instead, appearing slightly shocked, she only stares back silently at Pennsatucky, her mind somewhere else. This leads to a flashback to young Alex! And, oh my goodness, she's adorable! With glasses on and wearing generic Adidas kicks, she's the unfortunate target of a group of meanies, making fun of her "bobos." Man, childhood can be so rough. The head beotch taunts, "So, your mom shops at Payless and works at Friendly's." There is nothing embarrassing about affordable footwear and delicious foodstuffs, young lady! Alex defends, |
Well, you're not invited on the homo bus, and the homo bus is going to be off the chiz-ain!
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"My mom has, like, four jobs," but the girls continue to disparage her.
When Alex's mom appears in a beaten up car by the school, Alex runs off to seek refuge from these pre-teen nightmares. Ugh, that was awful. While her mom talks with her about her job, Alex takes her shoes off and proceeds to chuck them out the window of the car onto the side of the road. Her mother rightly stops the car and orders, "Go get 'em back!" Alex argues, "Jessica Wedge says they're lame." "So, fuck Jessica Wedge!" responds her mom. Right on, sistah!
When Alex describes all of the cruel names she gets called by the other girls, her mom asks her, "Did you tell them who your dad is?" Alex answers, "I've never even met him." Her mother, though, is confident that name-dropping her father is all she needs:
"You tell them 'My dad is Lee Burley, the drummer for Death Maiden.' You see what those smug little bitches say then." To this, Alex gives the predictable exasperated eye roll to her mom, knowing this fact is unlikely to change her current situation. Her mom continues, "You are the daughter of a rock god."
When Alex's mom appears in a beaten up car by the school, Alex runs off to seek refuge from these pre-teen nightmares. Ugh, that was awful. While her mom talks with her about her job, Alex takes her shoes off and proceeds to chuck them out the window of the car onto the side of the road. Her mother rightly stops the car and orders, "Go get 'em back!" Alex argues, "Jessica Wedge says they're lame." "So, fuck Jessica Wedge!" responds her mom. Right on, sistah!
When Alex describes all of the cruel names she gets called by the other girls, her mom asks her, "Did you tell them who your dad is?" Alex answers, "I've never even met him." Her mother, though, is confident that name-dropping her father is all she needs:
"You tell them 'My dad is Lee Burley, the drummer for Death Maiden.' You see what those smug little bitches say then." To this, Alex gives the predictable exasperated eye roll to her mom, knowing this fact is unlikely to change her current situation. Her mom continues, "You are the daughter of a rock god."
You are gonna be the coolest lesbian evah and all the ladies will line up for you!
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I'm in
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Sensibly, Alex counters, "If he's so rich and famous, why are we so broke?" Aw, poor Alex. Her mom can only reply, "You know how many girls used to scream at his concerts? You know, rip their clothes off? Throw themselves at him? But your dad chose me, and together, we made you." A love story for the ages. Her mom concludes, "Don't you listen to those smarty-pants assholes. They're gonna have boring-ass lives. They're gonna wish that they were you. You are cool." The two of them share a small smile, and my heart warms and breaks at the same time. Precious baby Alex! How can I not love her after this? I can't. I won't.
Back in the present, the inmates are prepping for the send-off party for Taystee. Oh no, I don't want Queen King Cone to go! As they decorate the cafeteria, Pornstache gives very loving instructions: "Listen up, turd bags! We're gonna let you have your little going away party, but do not make our lives more difficult afterwards by hanging yourself...with a sheet, or a tampon string, or
Back in the present, the inmates are prepping for the send-off party for Taystee. Oh no, I don't want Queen King Cone to go! As they decorate the cafeteria, Pornstache gives very loving instructions: "Listen up, turd bags! We're gonna let you have your little going away party, but do not make our lives more difficult afterwards by hanging yourself...with a sheet, or a tampon string, or
OMG, I think Alex is gonna ask me to the dance! SQUEE!
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whatever the fuck you like to get all arts and craftsy with. No Thanksgiving suicides." It's moving how much he cares.
As Piper is making banners to hang with her newly coiffed do, Alex comes up to her, commenting, "You look like JonBenét Ramsey." Piper, giving a sarcastic laugh, "Well, that's what I was going for." I hope you guys are joking because that is not a path I am walking down with you on. Not at all. Alex tells Piper, "God, I hate seeing people go. It reminds me how much time I have left." Piper replies, "Yeah, but think of the story that you'll have." To this, Alex turns around and points at her with a smile: "That is my line." Grinning from ear to ear, "I know it is. You always trot it out in times of suckiness...like that stomach virus I had in Java." Alex: "Well, it was a great fucking story. The whole village came out to watch you poop." Both of them erupt into giggles, and I swear the two of them are suddenly 13 years old, decorating for the middle school prom. They've got inside jokes, are using each other's lines, and bringing up past memories. Piper, just call Larry and get it over with - Vauseman is |
totes back on, while Larry/Piper is somewhere near the bottom of the ocean with no signs of life.
When the party gets started, someone turns on some music and the classic love song "Milkshake" by Kelis (below) begins to thumpa-thumpa throughout the room. Dance party! Over in the Reuniting Exes area, Alex asks Piper, "My God, do you remember this?" Like a California valley girl, Piper energetically replies: "Yes!" Please tell me "Milkshake" is their song, as in their song. My parents' song is "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers. How lame compared to this timeless serenade! Alex hesitantly raises her right arm, asking Piper, "I don't even know how the arms go. I think..." The two of them proceed to go into a hypnotic white girl dance routine where they brush the dirt of their shoulders, do the sprinkler, and then just shake their tailfeathers/money makers (whichever is your preference). (A wonderful gifset detailing this Vauseman performance is linked here on Tumblr.) I'd love to see Larry and Piper try and do that routine together - trainwreck!
When the party gets started, someone turns on some music and the classic love song "Milkshake" by Kelis (below) begins to thumpa-thumpa throughout the room. Dance party! Over in the Reuniting Exes area, Alex asks Piper, "My God, do you remember this?" Like a California valley girl, Piper energetically replies: "Yes!" Please tell me "Milkshake" is their song, as in their song. My parents' song is "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers. How lame compared to this timeless serenade! Alex hesitantly raises her right arm, asking Piper, "I don't even know how the arms go. I think..." The two of them proceed to go into a hypnotic white girl dance routine where they brush the dirt of their shoulders, do the sprinkler, and then just shake their tailfeathers/money makers (whichever is your preference). (A wonderful gifset detailing this Vauseman performance is linked here on Tumblr.) I'd love to see Larry and Piper try and do that routine together - trainwreck!
Alex: Babes, what are we doing?
Piper: Letting that funky fresh beat take over |
Alex: Oh shit, baby, pull out...pull out
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Like all school dances, this routine quickly devolves into just straight up bumpin' and grindin' between Vauseman, and everyone stands back to enjoy. Well, everyone but Pennsatucky. Boo! Get outta here! If you don't like it, don't ruin it for the rest of us! Pennsatucky goes up to a leering Pornstache and points out, "That's lesbian activity." Damn right! Keeping his eyes glued on Vauseman, Pornstache answers in a low tone, "It sure is." Sadly, I find myself on the same side as him right now. Speak of this to no one.
Realizing Pornstache is not her ally in her War on Lesbians, she goes and finds a more suitable bigoted partner - Healy. She runs up to him, going on and on about the horrific consequences of lesbian sex, when he demands she just get to the point and tell him whom the guilty parties are. Pennsatucky: "Vause and Chapman." As soon as she mentions Piper's name, Healy suddenly cares about Pennsatucky's accusations. She goes on, "She's a lesbian. They lesbianing together." Yes, they are. I encourage more use of "lesbian" as a verb. ("What did you do today?" "Oh, I went to the grocery and then lesbianed a bit before dinner. It was relaxing.") With the ability to catch Piper in flagrante delicto with Vause, Healy tells Pennsatucky to show him this alleged lesbianing and the newly formed Team "No Homo" is off to capture themselves some lady-lovers.
Realizing Pornstache is not her ally in her War on Lesbians, she goes and finds a more suitable bigoted partner - Healy. She runs up to him, going on and on about the horrific consequences of lesbian sex, when he demands she just get to the point and tell him whom the guilty parties are. Pennsatucky: "Vause and Chapman." As soon as she mentions Piper's name, Healy suddenly cares about Pennsatucky's accusations. She goes on, "She's a lesbian. They lesbianing together." Yes, they are. I encourage more use of "lesbian" as a verb. ("What did you do today?" "Oh, I went to the grocery and then lesbianed a bit before dinner. It was relaxing.") With the ability to catch Piper in flagrante delicto with Vause, Healy tells Pennsatucky to show him this alleged lesbianing and the newly formed Team "No Homo" is off to capture themselves some lady-lovers.