Continued from Page 3 of Orange is the New Black Episode 1.08: Moscow Mule
In present times, we find...Larry, again. He's standing outside Pete and Polly's hospital room, recapping the birth of their new son to Piper who is hanging on every word over the phone. Larry goes on and on about things that are immaterial, while on the other side, Piper becomes heartbreakingly overwhelmed - by her happiness for her best friend and her intense sadness that she's missing out. Clueless Larry tries giving her good news, telling her, "People like you, Piper Chapman. Even people that haven't met you. One of Polly's friends - she said she felt like she knows you because of how well I captured your spirit." Shaking
her head at this statement, Piper denies this: "She doesn't know me. That girl that you wrote about? That's not me."

Larry: "What do you mean?"

Unable or unwilling to explain what Larry should already know, Piper just deflects: "Nothing." Then parroting back Alex's earlier criticisms of her, Piper asks Larry, "Do you think that I'm a narcissist or a horse's ass?"

As he should, he denies this and asks her where this is coming from. She replies in a whisper, "I missed your party. I couldn't get the dryer open, and I wasn't there when my best friend had her baby. It's just shitty." Aw, Piper. It's not like she chose any of these things. She begins another telephonic weep-a-thon and again receives comfort from the other weeping telephone lady. Let's not make this a regular event, Piper. On the phone, she is met with such comforting words from Larry as ". . ." and also ". . ." Thank you so much, Mr. Bloom.
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Guess who found another shirt-sweater combination? THIS GUY!
In the LCF chapel, Pornstache comes upon the brooding Nichols, who is alone and listening to some rock music to escape the Red/Tricia drama. He tells her, "I got a couple questions that I need to ask you. I think you may know the answers to 'em...about Red and the way that she runs her business. And I would think that a smart savvy person like yourself would know an opportunity..."

"Neptune's Produce," cuts off Nichols, already knowing what Pornstache is after. "You wanna know how she gets the contraband in? That's it. Now, leave me the fuck alone." Uh oh. I know Nichols has had a rough go of it of late (i.e., Morello dumps her, Red is not being super motherly, and she gets blamed for turning on Tricia), but still, siding with Pornstache against Red - not so sure this will turn out well. Regardless, Pornstache has what he wants, so he obliges Nichols' demand and leaves her alone with her music.

Piper, having recovered from her most recent emotional breakdown, awkwardly meanders on over to Alex's cubicle, only to find Alex suffering from the prison-wide illness that has gripped LCF. Standing outside of Alex's space, Piper weirdly sways from side to side with her hands on her hips, like she's cruising at a bar. Noticing this peculiar behavior, Alex: "What, are you a vampire 
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Be cool, man, be cool. No weapons...feel free to frisk
now? Do you need an invitation?"

Deciding that being a weirdo is the way to go, Piper slowly ambles her way into the room and sits atop Alex's bed, trying to look everywhere but at the person she came to see. Alex swears, "I'm plotting my revenge on that redneck fucking Deliverance extra...if you want in." Piper smiles at this, but quickly returns to her unusually serious demeanor. Alex notes, "You seem depressed, even for prison." She mentions, "You know, if you ever wanna talk about it...that's what the counselors are for." When she lets out a laugh at her own joke, Piper playfully shoves Alex's legs in response, and you can see a smile at the edge of Piper's face. Aw, you two are definitely growing on me.

Alex, trying to get Piper to talk: "Personally, I went on sad drugs when I got here and they worked for a while, but now I just cheek 'em and trade 'em for black eyeliner. They make me constipated. I would rather shit and cry than strain and nap all the time." Ditto. When Piper continues to
be weirdly silent, Alex prods with concern, "What's wrong? Really."

"He wrote an article about me," starts out Piper. She doesn't even say his name in front of Alex. Instead, she tells her the title of his article is "One Sentence, Two Prisoners." Appropriately, Alex comments, "Oh, it's a terrible title." It is, indeed. Gah, Larry. Piper continues, "And I'm happy for him, but he got...he got so much of it so wrong. I'm not somebody's girlfriend. I'm not some cool story at a yuppie fucking cocktail party. 'You did a year in the Peace Corps? I did a year in prison.' Fuck, no! Those things we did - you and me - that wasn't an adventure or a romp...That was my life." Getting emotional at the end of this, Piper looks away when she says this last sentence. Having quietly listened this whole time, Alex lifts her glasses from her eyes and offers, "You want me to kill him?"
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What's wrong?
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Nothing, I'm great
After the two of them share a small smile, Alex goes on, "I may be a sick lesbian in a prison bunk, but I got a couple tricks up my sleeve." Even with a hoarse voice and tissues littering her bed, Alex still has it. Piper turns to look at her directly and with a wavering voice, she says, "I feel like I'm missing so much." Alex admits, "Me too," and she gently grabs Piper's hand with her own, intertwining their fingers, with her thumb caressing Piper's fingers. Aw. 

Their eyes meet again in shared sorrow and also shared understanding, but then Piper's face begins to contort until she lets out a loud sneeze. Realizing her immunity to the LCF bug going around has now ended, she lets out a "Shit!" This is why we keep our feminine napkins closely against our faces at all times! Okay, that sounds gross. Nah, I'll take the sickness, too. Particularly, if that means I can be sick with my sexy ex!
As "Moscow Mule" comes to a close, one thing is for sure: Vauseman is on its way and it's coming fast and furious! 
Prepare yourselves!
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