Continued from Page 2 of Orange is the New Black 1.08: Moscow Mule
Outside of LCF, Pornstache has basically taken Morello hostage, forcing her to drive him to wherever he tells her. He directs Morello to pull over to the side of the road in the middle of nowhere and to shut off the engine. Once she has done that, he brings up the "old Moscow mule," who Morello correctly guesses is Red. The reason behind this whole intimidation scenario: Pornstache is desperate to know how Red is smuggling her products into LCF. Morello states that she does not know how Red is doing it,
Sir, I'd like to put forth arguments in favor of me
being called the "Hot One" |
but Pornstache does not believe her. He unbuckles his seatbelt and reaches his arm over behind Morello's seat. He warns, "I'm gonna ask you again. Nicely. And then the third time...it's not gonna be very nice."
Morello, tears in her eyes, repeats, "I can't help you 'cause I really don't know." She leans toward Pornstache and says more firmly, "So, you do whatever. I can't tell you what I don't know." He lets out a smile and his hand floats above her face for a frightening few seconds. Fortunately, though, he leans back into his seat and orders, "Start the car, inmate. You're too far from camp." Holy crap, that was terrifying. Morello, props to you for staying strong. In Healy's office, Luschek has dropped Alex and Piper off to receive their discipline for the dryer incident. He informs Healy, "When I got there, the blonde one was screaming and the hot one was stuck inside." Piper takes immediate offense at this, asking Luschek, "The hot one?" He just nods his head, while Alex gives a victorious smirk. Ouchies. Once Luschek leaves the room, both Alex and Piper try to claim sole fault to save the other from whatever punishment is coming their way. Aw, you guys. During their "Blame me, No Blame Me" battle, Healy |
interrupts, "Now, just shut up! A couple of years ago, we found two women naked from the waist down, sitting on those dryers for their own enjoyment. You wouldn't happen to have been doing anything like that, would you?"
Alex, with a straight face: "I'm more of a dishwasher kind of gal, sir." At this, Piper almost bursts with laughter, but somehow manages to stifle it. Healy seems somewhat perplexed by Alex's answer, but turns to tell Piper, "Glad you're making new friends, Chapman. I'm writing you both a shot. Now, get the hell out of my office." I'm not exactly sure what "a shot" means (maybe "I'm giving you a shot to redeem yourself" ergo "No punishment"?), but I did not hear "SHU" and both women seem relieved at this.
Before Piper exits, though, Healy takes a dig at her: "You think if I wrote stories about you, I might make the papers? 'Cause I'm
Alex, with a straight face: "I'm more of a dishwasher kind of gal, sir." At this, Piper almost bursts with laughter, but somehow manages to stifle it. Healy seems somewhat perplexed by Alex's answer, but turns to tell Piper, "Glad you're making new friends, Chapman. I'm writing you both a shot. Now, get the hell out of my office." I'm not exactly sure what "a shot" means (maybe "I'm giving you a shot to redeem yourself" ergo "No punishment"?), but I did not hear "SHU" and both women seem relieved at this.
Before Piper exits, though, Healy takes a dig at her: "You think if I wrote stories about you, I might make the papers? 'Cause I'm
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gathering a nice collection here." Shut up, Healy. Your veiled threats don't even make any sense.
Back near the bunks, Nichols is on a mission and she very lesbianly stalks to Tricia's cubicle where she finds Red has already moved Norma in to replace Tricia. This does not go over well with Nichols: "Whoa! You moved her in? The fuck is she doing?" Well, that's not a nice way to meet your new roomie. Nichols and Red have an unpleasant mother-daughter chat, when Nichols warns her, "I've got friends of my own, you know. There's other people in this prison, not just the |
Look at these adorable idiots
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ones who drink your goddamn Kool-Aid." I seriously expected to see Mr. Kool-Aid (is that his name? Does he have one officially?) burst through the prison walls and yell "Oh yeahhhhh!" as soon as Nichols referenced it. Unfortunately, this did not happen, and instead, we just get more frowny words between the ladies. Red: "Are you finished? You're starting to sound finished." Man, she is a badass. Nichols, stunned by Red's treatment, backs away in disgust and storms out of the bunk area - again, very lesbianly.
Meanwhile, Larry's party is just starting at a local bar with a highly inebriated Pete toasting/roasting him. When Polly notices Larry is distracted, she encourages him to enjoy himself, telling him, "[Piper]'d want you to have a good time, I'm sure." Of course, this just leads to another whiny session from Larry: "I know I should be feeling thrilled right now. I'm in print. I'm young-ish. And I'm healthy. Also -ish. I'm alive. I'm a living, breathing thing, and it's really, it's overwhelming how lucky I am, but yet every night, I go to bed, and I have this gnawing feeling like what I've got is not enough. And every morning I wake up thinking the feeling will be gone, but it's not. Does that make me a selfish fucking ungrateful douche bag?" Remind me never to chat this Negative Nancy up at the bar. I thought he was going to discuss how celebrating things without Piper just didn't feel right, but instead we got a peek into his daily existential crisis. Fortunately, Polly's baby decides to put a stop to this and interrupts by bringing on labor. It's baby time!
Meanwhile, Larry's party is just starting at a local bar with a highly inebriated Pete toasting/roasting him. When Polly notices Larry is distracted, she encourages him to enjoy himself, telling him, "[Piper]'d want you to have a good time, I'm sure." Of course, this just leads to another whiny session from Larry: "I know I should be feeling thrilled right now. I'm in print. I'm young-ish. And I'm healthy. Also -ish. I'm alive. I'm a living, breathing thing, and it's really, it's overwhelming how lucky I am, but yet every night, I go to bed, and I have this gnawing feeling like what I've got is not enough. And every morning I wake up thinking the feeling will be gone, but it's not. Does that make me a selfish fucking ungrateful douche bag?" Remind me never to chat this Negative Nancy up at the bar. I thought he was going to discuss how celebrating things without Piper just didn't feel right, but instead we got a peek into his daily existential crisis. Fortunately, Polly's baby decides to put a stop to this and interrupts by bringing on labor. It's baby time!
You ever considered being part of a "swirl"?
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*silently praying for help from above
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While Polly prepares to bring new life into this world, Piper and Claudette lie in their beds and participate in "Sharing is Caring Night." Looking over towards Piper, Claudette inquires, "This fiancé of yours...what's it like when he comes to visit?" I can answer that - it's terrible. Piper quietly answers, "It's good." Hearing the falseness in her own words, Piper corrects, "It's weird. Sometimes, it feels like there's never enough time, and then, sometimes, it feels like there's actually too much. . . . There's no menu or basket of bread on the table or TV to glance at. It's just us looking at each other, which can be great. And it should be, but sometimes...you just need to look away." Finding an opportunity to ask a question no one else has dared to ask before now, Piper: "Someone told me that you never have had a visitor...Can I ask why?"
Unable to look Piper directly in the eyes as she answers, Claudette confesses, "I guess I just had to look away." Whoa, ladies...this is some deep roommate discussion. When I had roommates, we'd just stay up late talking about which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle we identified most with as a child (Michelangelo!) or just recited our favorite Anchorman quotes back and
Unable to look Piper directly in the eyes as she answers, Claudette confesses, "I guess I just had to look away." Whoa, ladies...this is some deep roommate discussion. When I had roommates, we'd just stay up late talking about which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle we identified most with as a child (Michelangelo!) or just recited our favorite Anchorman quotes back and
Don't ever touch my rinsing cup, drinking cup, or edging cup again!
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forth until slumber overcame us. I don't think I'd fit in with serious-talkin' Piper and Claudette.
After this, we get flashback time! To Piper and Larry...hmmm...all right. It appears Piper has taken a pregnancy test and they are awaiting the results. Focusing on what really matters, he complains, "Piper, you put a pee stick in my rinsing cup." Quick question: what the hell is a rinsing cup? (Yes, obviously, it rinses...but is that it? Did we just start designating a specific cup as the "rinsing one"?) I just googled it, and the only results I found refer to the cup that parents use to wash their children's hair without getting shampoo in their eyes. Larry, get out of here! Making light of his 4-year old vocabulary, Piper replies, "Well, you put your pee stick in my vagina, and that's why we're in this situation." He sarcastically responds, "I love it when you |
call my mighty staff a pee stick." Straight couples...
Turning to the subject at hand, Piper confesses, "I think I might want it." Potential papa-to-be does not look pleased with this idea and immediately points out Piper's upcoming prison sentence. Piper counters, "I know. I could be pregnant while I'm in prison. What else am I gonna be doing in there?" Oh, well, that's just a great reason, Piper. You sound like one of those teenage girls who are desperate to have babies - you know, for fun. Larry, though, is standing completely on the other side on the issue, asking Piper, "Are we at least gonna talk about other options?"
Well, now you've done it. What Larry really means by "other options" is only one other option: "It's not Voldemort, you can say it. Abortion." There are two major issues with this. First off, Larry, "Voldemort" should be said out loud, not avoided, because as Dumbledore put it: "Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself." (Book 1, Chapter 17). I am always delighted by a Harry Potter reference, but for pete's sake, if you're not going to use one correctly, then don't use it at all. *shakes wand angrily (Temporary nerding is now over.). Secondly, any response outside of "Okay, honey, I support you!"
Turning to the subject at hand, Piper confesses, "I think I might want it." Potential papa-to-be does not look pleased with this idea and immediately points out Piper's upcoming prison sentence. Piper counters, "I know. I could be pregnant while I'm in prison. What else am I gonna be doing in there?" Oh, well, that's just a great reason, Piper. You sound like one of those teenage girls who are desperate to have babies - you know, for fun. Larry, though, is standing completely on the other side on the issue, asking Piper, "Are we at least gonna talk about other options?"
Well, now you've done it. What Larry really means by "other options" is only one other option: "It's not Voldemort, you can say it. Abortion." There are two major issues with this. First off, Larry, "Voldemort" should be said out loud, not avoided, because as Dumbledore put it: "Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself." (Book 1, Chapter 17). I am always delighted by a Harry Potter reference, but for pete's sake, if you're not going to use one correctly, then don't use it at all. *shakes wand angrily (Temporary nerding is now over.). Secondly, any response outside of "Okay, honey, I support you!"
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when your potential baby mama tells you she may be pregnant is a horrific error. Why? Because if she is pregnant, then you're a huge asshole, and if she turns out not to be, she's going to know you're not even sad about it. Stupid Larry!
When Piper recoils at Larry's mention of "abortion" before she's even found out the results, he tries to back off, "Okay, not that I'd insist, Piper." Oh how sweet of you that you would not insist she have an abortion. Fiancé of the year, ladies and gentlemen. By this point, tears are already brimming Piper's eyes, and she suggests, "Let's see what the pee stick has to say about this." She turns the indicator over and her face begins to crumble at the results. She admits, "I feel sad." Larry "I don't want to have a baby" Bloom answers this with "I feel sad that you feel sad." What an awful response. He puts his arm around her and |
Larry: How long do I have to pretend to be sad before going back to Mad Men?
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tries to play the role of disappointed fiancé, but considering he had already argued in favor of aborting the baby before its existence could even be confirmed, it's not real convincing. And with this, Team Larry/Piper continues to have a roster of zero members. Way to go!