Published on March 30, 2014
At the start of 1.08: Moscow Mule, LCF is awash with sick inmates, popping pills and avoiding each other's germs. In Claudette and Piper's cubicle, Piper is hard at work to take preventative action towards the onslaught of illnesses. Sitting on her cot, she deliberately crafts a surgical mask out of a maxi pad and two hair bands. Wow, very ingenious! She's the Martha Stewart of LCF!
It'll protect you from germs...also leaks and embarrassing odors
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When she's finished, she offers her first creation up to a skeptical Claudette, who eventually takes it and puts it on. She looks expectedly ridiculous, but I say function over form! She tells Piper, "I look like Michael Jackson." She's not half-wrong.
Piper replies, "No, I think you've got the wrong skin tone." Oh snap. She then asserts, "I look like Michael Jackson," before placing her own maxi pad mask on her face and pulling some "Thriller" moves. What is happening? Claudette stares at her blankly, likely questioning the sanity of her current roommate, but Piper just waltzes away as if that little performance was the norm. All righty, then. |
In the cafeteria, when Piper is throwing away her trash, new frenemy Healy comes from behind, snarking, "Well, if it isn't Litchfield's biggest celebrity." When Piper expresses her confusion at what Healy is referring to, he informs her, "Boyfriend wrote quite the article," while holding up the issue of the New York Times that has Larry's piece in it. Realizing what this means for her fiancé, Piper breaks out into excitement for his success, asking Healy, "May I read it? I mean, I can wait 'til you're done, obviously. I had no idea that he would actually make it in there."
As she makes this request, Healy shoves the newspaper into the trash right in front of Piper, saying, "Looks like I've already thrown mine away." He then pours the leftover contents from his coffee mug into the trash as well, to ruin any shot Piper had at
As she makes this request, Healy shoves the newspaper into the trash right in front of Piper, saying, "Looks like I've already thrown mine away." He then pours the leftover contents from his coffee mug into the trash as well, to ruin any shot Piper had at
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recovering a readable version. What an asshole! Well, the lines have been drawn. Clearly, the Healy-Chapman alliance is over, and they are not having a nice break up. Piper, bless her heart, still tries to salvage Larry's article, by thrusting her arm into the trash can to grab the newspaper, but before she can pull it out, a guard yells at her to stop immediately. Aw, she loves Larry. Picking through the trash is dedication. My question: Why did she not know about the article's publication?
Speaking of him, Mr. Big Shot is running around NYC, buying up as many copies of the New York Times as he can. When a guy at a newsstand comments on his binge buying of the papers, he boasts, "I wrote something in here." Bizarrely, the man cares, and when he calls the other guy at the stand over and relays Larry's appearance in the Times, the stranger also becomes very congratulatory towards Larry. What? This is NYC, right? I get that the New York Times is a cool deal, but I'm not going to ever be jubilant for a complete stranger. At most, I'd offer a half-hearted, "Oh...cool. Congrats, man." This must be bizarro NYC. Regardless, the men's reactions to him, along with the other good wishes he |
Nobody better say one word about my chin guard!
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has been receiving due to the article have Larry on cloud nine. Finally, though, it's time to speak with Piper. When Larry tells her the story of how his article made it into the paper, she gives a somewhat disingenuous, "That's great, honey." She asks Larry to read the piece to her, but before he does, he gets distracted by an incoming e-mail from Pete. All the e-mail shows in the message is a link to "awesome.gif". Is Pete on Tumblr? Add one more lovable point into his column. What is this gif of? "Porn, he just...he sent porn," complains Larry, disappointed that it was not some complimentary message. Pete, I love you, and Larry, don't look a porn gift horse in the mouth! Ungrateful!
Behind Piper in LCF, a pregnant inmate, Maria, is pacing the halls, enduring potential labor pains. This reminds Piper to ask Larry, "Could you google 'symptoms of labor'? They're running bets. If I guess closest to the birth time, I could win a Twix." Oooh, good prize! If it's a peanut butter Twix, even better! Larry proceeds to search symptoms, but, as usual, interrupts this to bring the spotlight back round to him, telling her that Pete is taking him out to celebrate the article's publication. He adds, "Polly, too, and some other people." Mmhmm. When Piper prods as to who the "some other people" are, he discloses that an evite has been sent. "An evite equals party. Why didn't you just tell me you were going to a party tonight...with all of our friends?" accuses Piper. This is uncomfortable as usual.
Behind Piper in LCF, a pregnant inmate, Maria, is pacing the halls, enduring potential labor pains. This reminds Piper to ask Larry, "Could you google 'symptoms of labor'? They're running bets. If I guess closest to the birth time, I could win a Twix." Oooh, good prize! If it's a peanut butter Twix, even better! Larry proceeds to search symptoms, but, as usual, interrupts this to bring the spotlight back round to him, telling her that Pete is taking him out to celebrate the article's publication. He adds, "Polly, too, and some other people." Mmhmm. When Piper prods as to who the "some other people" are, he discloses that an evite has been sent. "An evite equals party. Why didn't you just tell me you were going to a party tonight...with all of our friends?" accuses Piper. This is uncomfortable as usual.
I could not be more satisfied with myself!
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I can tell
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His answer: "You're not here to tell me I can't wear brown shoes with black pants." How is that responsive? Piper, doing her best to swallow any selfishness she is feeling, calmly and somewhat robotically states, "I am really happy for you. This is a really big thing...and it deserves to be celebrated. You're gonna have a great time, and you deserve that. And on my end, I have a really strong shot at a Twix bar. It's a great day." Well, that was creepy. She requests again that Larry read the article to her, and we fade away as he begins to do so. If there was a pool as to how long Piper and Larry are going to last, I bet the dates offered would be sooner rather than later. And by sooner, I mean they would all likely be in the next few seconds to minutes.
After this, Piper heads over to shop class, where she and Nichols are assigned another fix-it job - a broken dryer in the laundry room. When they arrive, they come come upon the laundry room employee, Alex, who is dutifully folding sheets. Nichols, tool belt around her waist, moseys over to Alex, stating, "Hear you got a broken appliance, ma'am. A real rusty old thing that needs fixing." Playing right along, Alex demurely responds, "Oh well, my husband isn't home, and he's got the checkbook. Hopefully, there's some way I could pay you." While Alex and Nichols act out their porn scenario, Piper uncomfortably stands in the back,
After this, Piper heads over to shop class, where she and Nichols are assigned another fix-it job - a broken dryer in the laundry room. When they arrive, they come come upon the laundry room employee, Alex, who is dutifully folding sheets. Nichols, tool belt around her waist, moseys over to Alex, stating, "Hear you got a broken appliance, ma'am. A real rusty old thing that needs fixing." Playing right along, Alex demurely responds, "Oh well, my husband isn't home, and he's got the checkbook. Hopefully, there's some way I could pay you." While Alex and Nichols act out their porn scenario, Piper uncomfortably stands in the back,
Alex: Would you like me to help strap it on?
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clutching the dryer manuals that Luschek gave her. Going for it, Nichols tells Alex, "Maybe if I stick my dick in your mouth, it might help me relax." Annnd scene. Never role play with Nichols. She always takes a weird left turn into a place where you need a safe word.
Soon, though, Nichols is pulled away as Red has beckoned her to the kitchen, leaving Alex and Piper alone, once again. Piper, taking the tool belt from Nichols, begins to attach it to herself, when Alex slowly approaches and comments, "You don't look half bad in those." Whoa. To this, Piper literally swoons, with her body involuntarily swaying under Alex's lascivious gaze. Phew, is it hot in here, or is it just me? |
In the kitchen, we discover why Red called Nichols to come see her. The problem: Tricia and her recurring drug habit. Nichols tries to defend Tricia: "She made a mistake, okay? She's nineteen years old." Red, though, has no patience for mistakes, reminding Nichols that she warned Tricia that she would not be there for her if she got back into drugs. Nichols argues, "It's not like it's her choice! I mean, she's an addict, all right? She had a slip. We can help her. Just give her a chance." Red, though, has had it and refuses to be lenient: "She needs to go down, and whoever she drags down with her deserves it." Brutal. Not necessarily wrong, but brutal.
You wouldn't happen to be interested in acquiring another toaster, would you?
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Maybe...know anyone who could help me get one?
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Back in the laundry room, things are much lighter as Piper has begun working on the dryer. Alex is nearby, and when Piper receives a small jolt from the dryer, Alex lets out a laugh, which does not go unnoticed. Piper admits, "I look pathetic. I'm aware," but Alex denies that she was laughing at her. She says to Piper, "Anyway, significantly less funny than the time you fixed our toaster with a hot glue gun." Oh, lesbians and toasters - what a history we have. Also, Alex clearly is trying to reminisce with Piper, apparently having moved on from her Anti-Piper stance she has had the last few episodes. Piper predictably is open to this, letting out a small giggle. Oh boy.