Continued from Page 2 of Orange is the New Black 1.07: Blood Donut
The next time we see Piper, she's sitting in Healy's office, who has the contraband cell phone in hand. He's curious as to why the cell phone has been completely wiped of its information, outside of the fugitive sexts, but Piper plays dumb. Really dumb. She tells Healy she found the cell phone in the trash can. Piper, seriously? How long did it take you to think that brilliant response up?
Healy: "If you can't tell me who owns this phone, I'm afraid I can't help you with the track." Well, this is terrible, though not unexpected. Piper calls him on his reneging of the agreement they have, but Healy assertively makes it clear - no name, no
Healy: "If you can't tell me who owns this phone, I'm afraid I can't help you with the track." Well, this is terrible, though not unexpected. Piper calls him on his reneging of the agreement they have, but Healy assertively makes it clear - no name, no
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track. Don't do it, Piper! Haven't you heard the saying, "Snitches get stitches"? Snitches never have happy endings! Wait, that's not true. Snitches never have happy endings, unless they are of the Quidditch variety!
In the LCF cafeteria, Piper's earning some lesbian cred, replacing lights in the ceiling with a tool belt strapped around her waist. Guard Fischer comes over to steady the ladder, and while doing so, she confesses to Piper, "I keep feeling like I know you from somewhere." Is she trying to pick up Piper? After sifting through Piper's whitebread résumé, they discover that Fischer used to work at a grocery story Piper frequented. Specifically, Fischer recalls, "You were always forgetting your cloth bags and I would pack everything in paper, and then you'd remember and get the bags out of your purse and make me repack everything." Yup, that sounds like Piper. Fischer joyfully states, "You were a pain in the ass." Ah, good times. |
While you're down there...you mind scratching a certain itch of mine?
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Fischer, though, goes on to say, "I just want you to know that as far as I'm concerned, you and me are the same. The only difference between us is when I made bad decisions in life, I didn't get caught. It coulda been me here in khaki, easy." Aw, well that's sweet. I'm somewhat suspicious of her motives, but so far, so good. Piper sees an opportunity in Fischer's perspective, and she somewhat creepily asks her, "You know what would really help to boost morale around here?"
We don't hear the end of Piper's proposal, but instead are dropped right back in the laundry room where Pennsatucky continues her Piper-centric tirade to her devotees. Alex, in the background, becomes noticeably more and more agitated with every bigoted word Pennsatucky spews out, until she finally jumps into the conversation: "You know, I'm with you, hon. Really. She's WASP-y, and entitled, and always asking if you have this in whole grain. She's got the Bambi-Schtick going on. I get all of it, but I'm going to need you to shut the fuck up about her and get over your shit!" Oooh, she is sexy when she is assertive. While Alex is walking away, Pennsatucky yells at her back, "Or what?!" Oooooh, child. Now, ya done did it.
Alex whips right back around like a mother reacting to a daughter who just sassed her.
We don't hear the end of Piper's proposal, but instead are dropped right back in the laundry room where Pennsatucky continues her Piper-centric tirade to her devotees. Alex, in the background, becomes noticeably more and more agitated with every bigoted word Pennsatucky spews out, until she finally jumps into the conversation: "You know, I'm with you, hon. Really. She's WASP-y, and entitled, and always asking if you have this in whole grain. She's got the Bambi-Schtick going on. I get all of it, but I'm going to need you to shut the fuck up about her and get over your shit!" Oooh, she is sexy when she is assertive. While Alex is walking away, Pennsatucky yells at her back, "Or what?!" Oooooh, child. Now, ya done did it.
Alex whips right back around like a mother reacting to a daughter who just sassed her.
You're a stupid hooker beotch!
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WHAT-DID-YOU
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SAY-TO-ME?
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Uh...I said...your glasses frame your face nicely...yes...very pretty
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With that, Alex approaches Pennsatucky, calmly, but with purpose. She removes her glasses, pushes Pennsatucky against the washers and dryers, and replies, "Or I will fuck you. Literally. I will sneak into your bunk in the middle of the night and I'll lick your pussy, and I will do it so good and so soft that you're going to be on the edge of coming by the time you wake up. And then I'll stop. And you'll be half asleep and you'll beg for it. Hah, you will beg for it. And maybe I'll be nice and maybe I won't, but if I am nice, the things you feel, it will ruin you. Forever. So, you know, choose." Sweet mother of God. I need a glass of water. Also, some air. Maybe some smelling salts would be nice too. That was just terrifyingly sexy. Even Pennsatucky looks somewhat aroused. Scared and aroused.
Back in civilization, Larry is sitting at a bar when the female bartender offers to buy him a drink. Ma'am, this is a pity offer, right? He chooses to go with a margarita, surprising the bartender and certainly lowering his "cool" points. Hey, I like a good
Back in civilization, Larry is sitting at a bar when the female bartender offers to buy him a drink. Ma'am, this is a pity offer, right? He chooses to go with a margarita, surprising the bartender and certainly lowering his "cool" points. Hey, I like a good
Man, it is so hard to be a white, heterosexual male
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margarita like anyone else, but still, that wouldn't be my order if a pretty girl is paying, particularly when that pretty girl makes drinks for a living. Come on, bro.
When she asks him what his "story" is, Larry goes straight into weirdo mode, whining, "I'm pissed off...because you...you're gorgeous. Your mouth is amazing. Your neck...my God, your ass looks great in those jeans. No offense, I'm sorry, I just...and I feel shitty for even looking at you because I have a fiancée. You know what else I can't do? Look at her...because she's in fucking prison. Yeah...because she did, something stupid and crazy and indicative of an ominously moral compass, and as a result, I am stuck here alone at this bar, talking to you and enjoying it, and feeling like an asshole. Polly was right, fuck her." Annnnd this is when you call the police to have him forcibly removed from the premises. The bartender, realizing the horrific miscalculation she made in chatting |
him up, begins to make her exit to this painfully awful conversation, but Larry feels the need to end this catastrophe with a random boast, "I'm gonna be in the New York Times." What a catch. Larry Bloom: Human Disaster.
The following morning, Piper is keeping up with her oral hygiene in the bathroom when a blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the middle stall. It appears the cell phone's absence has finally been noticed by its owner, Flores. Broken and hysterical, she is escorted out of the bathroom, and now, there are no stalls where one may drop the kids off at the pool in private. That's the way it goes, sometimes.
Out at the newly reopened track (courtesy of Caputo pulling strings at Fischer's urging, not Healy's), Watson is reveling in the ability to do what she loves: run. As she flies past Piper, she reminds her, "This don't make us even." With a contented smile, Piper acknowledges, "Okay," and soon follows Watson in her path around the track. The episode ends with a calm, but disgruntled Healy watching Piper from the nearby fence, and right before the scene cuts to orange, his upper lip curls into a sneer. She may have righted things with Watson, but by going over Healy's head through Caputo, she may have made an even bigger enemy. This does not bode well for her.
The following morning, Piper is keeping up with her oral hygiene in the bathroom when a blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the middle stall. It appears the cell phone's absence has finally been noticed by its owner, Flores. Broken and hysterical, she is escorted out of the bathroom, and now, there are no stalls where one may drop the kids off at the pool in private. That's the way it goes, sometimes.
Out at the newly reopened track (courtesy of Caputo pulling strings at Fischer's urging, not Healy's), Watson is reveling in the ability to do what she loves: run. As she flies past Piper, she reminds her, "This don't make us even." With a contented smile, Piper acknowledges, "Okay," and soon follows Watson in her path around the track. The episode ends with a calm, but disgruntled Healy watching Piper from the nearby fence, and right before the scene cuts to orange, his upper lip curls into a sneer. She may have righted things with Watson, but by going over Healy's head through Caputo, she may have made an even bigger enemy. This does not bode well for her.
But who cares, because Piper's face at the end overcomes all of the impending doom. At least, for now.
This is just stupid adorable
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