Continued from Page 1 of Orange is the New Black 1.07: Blood Donut
Across the room, Taystee, Piper, and Tricia are playing their ghetto version of Scrabble when Taystee brings up her upcoming parole hearing. Tricia tells her they're not releasing anybody who doesn't do their full term, but Taystee feels confident, stating, "Like Oprah say, 'The road less traveled.'" Hmmm...that sounds accurate.
"You know that doesn't mean what everybody thinks it means," cuts in Piper.
Taystee: "Ah shit, we 'bout to get educated and shit."
"You know that doesn't mean what everybody thinks it means," cuts in Piper.
Taystee: "Ah shit, we 'bout to get educated and shit."
Why does she keep talking to me?
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Dude, we should create a poetry group here in LCF!
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Someone, SHU me and end my misery
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Piper: "No, no, no, I'm just saying that everyone thinks the poem means to break away from the crowd and, like, do your own thing, but if you read it, Frost is very clear that the two roads are exactly the same. He just chooses one at random, and then it's only later at a dinner party, when he's talking about it that he tells everybody that he chose the road less traveled by, but he's lying." This is met with cold, unhappy stares. Piper, no...Piper, shhhh. "So, the point of the poem is that everyone wants to look back and think that their choices mattered, but in reality, shit just happens the way that it happens, and it does not mean anything." She says this last part with a deranged smile on her face, like a self-satisfied teacher awaiting for her classroom to erupt in applause. It does not.
Instead, Tricia looks at Taystee and tells her, "I will probably kill her in her sleep tonight." Taystee: "Wake me up so I can watch." And with that, Piper makes her first good decision in quite a while and skitters away to do her laundry. If not making friends were
Got a bag full of my undies. You want em?
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an Olympic sport, Piper would win a gold medal, unquestionably.
Seeking a reprieve from the disaster she just escaped, Piper goes into the laundry room, but is told from a familiar voice that it is closed. The source of said voice: Alex Vause. Ah, the deliciousness of circumstance. When Alex gives her a none-too-pleased greeting, Piper says she'll just come back the next day, but Alex orders her to give it over. She gruffly grabs the laundry from Piper, but Piper instead begins, "Do you remember the Four Seasons in the Seychelles?" This reminiscence goes over with Alex like a lead balloon. Man, Piper is not having a great day. She persists, though: "Gosh, we just threw our laundry into the hallway. It was like 40 bucks for a pair of pants." Still nothing. Gotta give her props for trying. Resigned to the fact that Alex will shun her forever and always, Piper turns to walk out, but before she leaves, she summons enough courage to spit out something she's been waiting to say, "Hey...I've been thinking about it...a lot. And I just wanted to let you know that there are no hard feelings. I was pretty angry, but I'm over it. So, um...friend?" |
Alex, breaking her silence: "Wow. That's really big of you, Pipes." Hmmm, my sarcasm detector is beeping at a high level right now. Alex grabs a cart full of laundry and rolls out of the room without another word, leaving Piper to dwell on another conversation that went nowhere. To be fair to Alex, Piper's "apology" was...well, not an apology at all. Awkward Vauseman moment number 3,041 so far.
Outside of LCF, Larry and my favorite couple, Pete and Polly, are grabbing some drinks at a bar. Well, at least, Pete and Larry are. Surprise, surprise, Larry's whining. He complains, "A guy, a girl, and another guy. It just looks weird." No, it doesn't, Captain Paranoia. Polly comforts, "People probably just assume you're divorced," which only leads to more whines from Larry. Polly offers up, "Why don't you switch seats with Pete?"
Pete: "I don't wanna look like a loser." Ha ha, oh, I love these two.
Outside of LCF, Larry and my favorite couple, Pete and Polly, are grabbing some drinks at a bar. Well, at least, Pete and Larry are. Surprise, surprise, Larry's whining. He complains, "A guy, a girl, and another guy. It just looks weird." No, it doesn't, Captain Paranoia. Polly comforts, "People probably just assume you're divorced," which only leads to more whines from Larry. Polly offers up, "Why don't you switch seats with Pete?"
Pete: "I don't wanna look like a loser." Ha ha, oh, I love these two.
Oh, what are ya gonna do, Polly, huh?
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I'll slap the ever-lovin' shit out of you. That's what I'll do, loser
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Larry: "Okay, now look, what am I complaining about, right? I mean, seriously, you know? We're sitting here. We're gonna enjoy some small plates, while Piper sits in prison."
Polly: "You know what? Fuck Piper. She's in prison and it sucks. Let's also stipulate that there are children dying of diarrhea in Malawi. That doesn't mean we don't get to complain about our lives. I am pregnant and the heat in our apartment is always too high, and it gives me nosebleeds, and that is happening. Pete isn't getting laid and he's grown that horrible beard. You look like a loser. We're all allowed to feel shitty about things in our lives that are shitty." Someone's getting a standing ovation for that. The
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Gospel of Polly: it is real and it is wonderful.
Pete mentions that Larry does have something to be happy about: his column about Piper. Polly, the good friend she is, asks, "Does Piper know? Is she cool about it?" Stuttering a bit, Larry: "I mean, sort of. Yeah, I mean, she's...uh...she's sorting out her feelings. I guess, you know. I'm gonna tell her tomorrow." Mmhmm. Pete and Polly exchange very skeptical looks while Larry stumbles around with his words, clearly judging him and knowing he's got a one-way ticket to Fuck-up-ville. The simple answer to Polly's question is "No, Piper does not know about it. Therefore, I have no idea if she is cool with it." Larry, no...just no to everything that pops into your silly little head. The next day, Piper continues her push for the re-opening of |
Pete: He is...
Polly: ...a complete... Pete and Polly: loser |
the track with Healy. Like all of her other pursuits of this episode, her pleas and arguments fall on deaf ears. Instead, Healy makes a counteroffer: "I've got a deal for you, Chapman. Caputo thinks a C.O.'s been putting inside photos on the internet, but I think that kind of nonsense is too stupid, even for a C.O. Let's say an inmate is hiding a camera or a cell phone or something, and you find it for me. I'll take a look at opening that track." The gauntlet has been thrown. Piper, beware, you're in dangerous waters.
Piper, though, accepts the challenge. She patiently waits outside the Stall of Wonders until its normal inhabitant departs. Once the coast is clear, she grabs the cell phone, shoves it in the waistband of her pants, and books it out into the hallway, where Pennsatucky is ready and waiting. After mocking Piper's relationship with Healy, Pennsatucky questions her, "Have you seen my teeth? Like, really?" With this, she pulls back the sides of her mouth to reveal a dental nightmare.
Piper leans in towards the horror, observing, "Wow...they're..." "Pretty fucked up, huh?" fills in Pennsatucky. Piper, being honest: "Yeah." Pennsatucky reasons, "Genetics, mostly." Best justification ever.
Piper, though, accepts the challenge. She patiently waits outside the Stall of Wonders until its normal inhabitant departs. Once the coast is clear, she grabs the cell phone, shoves it in the waistband of her pants, and books it out into the hallway, where Pennsatucky is ready and waiting. After mocking Piper's relationship with Healy, Pennsatucky questions her, "Have you seen my teeth? Like, really?" With this, she pulls back the sides of her mouth to reveal a dental nightmare.
Piper leans in towards the horror, observing, "Wow...they're..." "Pretty fucked up, huh?" fills in Pennsatucky. Piper, being honest: "Yeah." Pennsatucky reasons, "Genetics, mostly." Best justification ever.
Look at these pearly whites!
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That's unfortunate...
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Why is Pennsatucky asking Piper to engage in this demonstration of poor oral hygiene? Because her cousin got a whole new set of teeth at her prison, paid for in full by the U.S. government. Aw, it's nice to have family members share experiences with you...like doing time and having atrocious teeth. Pennsatucky tells Piper that it's time to use her sway with Healy to get her a free set of chompers just like her cousin. Piper tries to explain to Pennsatucky, "The thing is, I don't think I can. It's not even a real thing," but Pennsatucky's having none of her excuses. She warns Piper about siding with the LCF administration and after being told to leave Piper alone by a guard, she meth-ily walks off, leaving Piper to consider her threat.