Published March 15, 2014
As episode 1.07: Blood Donut (ew) begins, Alex and Nichols are bro-ing it up in a stairwell, with Alex attempting, but ultimately failing, to consume six saltine crackers in a period of 30 seconds. Hmmm, I suddenly have the immature desire to go try this myself. After a bit of research, though, I have discovered that there is such a thing as the "saltine cracker challenge," a notoriously difficult endeavor. When Nichols victoriously gives Alex an "I told you so" of sorts, Alex spits out the saltine shrapnel onto a shocked Nichols. Young lady, where are your manners?!
Somehow, Nichols finds this amusing and when Alex reaches over to wipe some of the cracker debris from her face, she looks back in surprise. Alex doesn't notice this, but I sense that Nichols somewhat enjoyed it. Alex, you Flirty McFlirterson, you. As Alex gets up off the steps, Nichols' eyes roam all across Alex's backside, and I think my suspicions may not be so far off.
Meanwhile, in Healy's office, it's the first meeting for the WAC board and to the ladies' sheer delight, he pulls out a box of donuts just for them. Mmmm, donuts. The women rightfully react to this beautiful gift with unmitigated joy and appreciation, and Piper...well, do you remember her foodgasm after Red called off Operation: Starve Taylor Swift? Yeah, well she repeats her public sexy times with foodstuffs again, right in front of everyone. Has she no shame?
Somehow, Nichols finds this amusing and when Alex reaches over to wipe some of the cracker debris from her face, she looks back in surprise. Alex doesn't notice this, but I sense that Nichols somewhat enjoyed it. Alex, you Flirty McFlirterson, you. As Alex gets up off the steps, Nichols' eyes roam all across Alex's backside, and I think my suspicions may not be so far off.
Meanwhile, in Healy's office, it's the first meeting for the WAC board and to the ladies' sheer delight, he pulls out a box of donuts just for them. Mmmm, donuts. The women rightfully react to this beautiful gift with unmitigated joy and appreciation, and Piper...well, do you remember her foodgasm after Red called off Operation: Starve Taylor Swift? Yeah, well she repeats her public sexy times with foodstuffs again, right in front of everyone. Has she no shame?
Piper Chapman Foodgasm: Chapter Two
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It's almost too private to look at. Almost...
The answer to that question is a resounding "no," she has no shame at all, and I say "Brava!" When donuts are around, let loose!
Once they've all had a hit of sugar, Healy gets down to business, inquiring about the concerns of the inmates. The other WAC representatives bring up such pressing concerns as needing a second pillow, the inadequate hot sauce, and access to Fifty Shades of Grey in the library. Surprised by the lack of substantive requests, Piper goes into Congresswoman mode, lobbying Healy for preventative health care, re-opening the track, legal counseling, and a GED program, much to the other inmates' annoyance. Piper is like the kid who runs for student council on the platform of "More Hall Monitors, Less Junk Food in the Cafeteria." Nice ideas, but, lady, ain't nobody giving you their vote.
Once they've all had a hit of sugar, Healy gets down to business, inquiring about the concerns of the inmates. The other WAC representatives bring up such pressing concerns as needing a second pillow, the inadequate hot sauce, and access to Fifty Shades of Grey in the library. Surprised by the lack of substantive requests, Piper goes into Congresswoman mode, lobbying Healy for preventative health care, re-opening the track, legal counseling, and a GED program, much to the other inmates' annoyance. Piper is like the kid who runs for student council on the platform of "More Hall Monitors, Less Junk Food in the Cafeteria." Nice ideas, but, lady, ain't nobody giving you their vote.
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While Pollyanna has the floor, the other inmates look either completely bored or just embarrassed for her. Piper, what are you doing? Last episode, you did not want anything to do with WAC and you were warned by Miss Claudette of the dangers that being a WAC rep entails. Sometimes, you are so dumb for such a smart girl.
Healy, though, has come prepared for this meeting and he explains to the ladies, "Now, I can do my best, but it's gonna be hard for me to do all these things and still be able to bring donuts to our meetings every month...and coffee." Smooth as ice, Healy. Still savoring the taste of the recently eaten donut in her mouth, Taystee looks around and sheepishly states, "Well, we tried." And there you have it - a resounding win for |
Piper: Also, I'd really like to see more fiber in our diets for better bowel movements...
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Healy. Also, donuts.
After the WAC meeting ends, a newly disenchanted Piper complains to Taystee about what just went on in Healy's office: "Okay, but what about your campaign promises?" Piper, this isn't the U.S. Senate. Professor Taystee replies, "Everyone says shit to get elected. You ain't actually gotta do it. That's politics." Piper, realizing the truth, summarizes, "So, this whole WAC thing is basically bullshit." Taystee directs, "Just take the donuts, girl." That's never bad advice.
Over in the laundry room, Pennsatucky is still fuming over her WAC loss, publicly attacking Piper, "That college bitch thinks she can come up in here and take charge of shit with her nice teeth and her pinky stuck up in the air. She's got a surprise coming." Uh oh. Alex, who happens to be in the room during this diatribe, mockingly asks, "Is it a pony?"
Pennsatucky: "Just shut your trap, Lurch. Nobody cares what's comin' outta them slit lickin' lips." Oh my word, that's not a very
After the WAC meeting ends, a newly disenchanted Piper complains to Taystee about what just went on in Healy's office: "Okay, but what about your campaign promises?" Piper, this isn't the U.S. Senate. Professor Taystee replies, "Everyone says shit to get elected. You ain't actually gotta do it. That's politics." Piper, realizing the truth, summarizes, "So, this whole WAC thing is basically bullshit." Taystee directs, "Just take the donuts, girl." That's never bad advice.
Over in the laundry room, Pennsatucky is still fuming over her WAC loss, publicly attacking Piper, "That college bitch thinks she can come up in here and take charge of shit with her nice teeth and her pinky stuck up in the air. She's got a surprise coming." Uh oh. Alex, who happens to be in the room during this diatribe, mockingly asks, "Is it a pony?"
Pennsatucky: "Just shut your trap, Lurch. Nobody cares what's comin' outta them slit lickin' lips." Oh my word, that's not a very
Pennsatucky: ...Jesus this...Leviticus that...
Alex: Dis shit's getting real tired real quick |
Christian thing to say. Pennsatucky continues her rant: "Chapman is the Judas Iscariot cozied on up to the High Priest Healy, and he throws out my votes...my votes, that were bestowed upon me from my Lord and gives her all the silver!" Someone went to Bible school....
Asking a complete legitimate question, Alex: "So, in this analogy, you're Jesus Christ?" Pennsatucky: "I've been betrayed." So, yes, Alex, she is calling herself Jesus Christ in her analogy. Alex just stands back and looks at her with half amusement and half horror. Back in the bathroom "Stall of Wonders," Piper is revisiting the contraband cell phone. Making a rock solid choice, she goes to the phone's games section, selecting what else, but Snake. |
In the middle of this retro blast from the past, though, the cell phone receives an incoming text message. When Piper accepts it, she confronts another snake on her screen - the penis of (presumably) the man named "Diablo." Grossed out, Piper turns away from the screen in repulsion, but a knock on the stall door alerts her to more pressing concerns. She stutters out an excuse: "Gonna be a while. I'm a little backed up in here. Sorry." Well, ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Though, now you're probably known as the "stinky girl." Eh, could be worse.
Soon enough, Piper is crawling through the LCF ventilation system with Watson, on a mission to fix an electrical problem. As they slowly make their way to the problem area, Piper feels the need to ensure that not one second of silence goes by between them, chatting Watson's ear off about a million things Watson does not want to share with her. Piper takes particular interest in where Watson is bunking, telling Watson that she will make her some earplugs out of pillow stuffing and Vaseline. I bet she learned that on Pinterest.
Soon enough, Piper is crawling through the LCF ventilation system with Watson, on a mission to fix an electrical problem. As they slowly make their way to the problem area, Piper feels the need to ensure that not one second of silence goes by between them, chatting Watson's ear off about a million things Watson does not want to share with her. Piper takes particular interest in where Watson is bunking, telling Watson that she will make her some earplugs out of pillow stuffing and Vaseline. I bet she learned that on Pinterest.
Oh boy, shouldn't have had all those beans earlier...
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Dude, did you just let one loose in here?
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Oh God, round two's about to start
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Trying to discover the reason behind Piper's over-the-top friendliness towards her, Watson has an epiphany, exclaiming, "Jesus fucking shit!" I am pretty sure "shit" is not his last name. She tells Piper, "It was you," realizing Piper's trying to be buddy-buddy with her because she must have been responsible for the screwdriver fiasco that landed her in SHU. Knowing she's caught, Piper proves that she is the dumbest woman in all the land: "In my defense, I would just like to point out that technically, you did not go
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down because of the screwdriver. Technically, you went down to SHU because you got all up in Caputo's face."
Watson, stunned at Piper's gall, warns her: "Lady, we in a tight-ass space and I bench 140. You sure 'technically' is how you wanna handle this shit?" A sexy and appropriate threat - well done, Watson. Seeing her life expectancy drop rapidly, Piper manages to ask Watson, "Are you gonna say anything?" To this, Watson honorably responds, "I ain't a snitch." Piper, you best make her the best pair of Vaseline stuffing earplugs ever. Inside the cafeteria/rec room, Morello is showing an enthusiastic Norma all of the places she plans to travel to once she has been released. I assume none of the places are located in Mexico or other Spanish-speaking countries, you know, where, according to her, the "dirty" people live. In the middle of the tour of "Places Morello Cannot Pronounce," Big Boo enters the room with a new puppy, causing Morello to literally dive onto the floor to greet it. Aw. I probably would do |
As you may know, we'll be getting married on the island of Denial and honeymooning in Never Gonna Happen
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the same thing. Big Boo announces the new pup's name shall be "Little Boo," and it looks like even the canine population cannot escape doing time.