Continued from Page 2 of Orange is the New Black 1.06: WAC Pack
Back in the present, the LCF rec room is on the verge of full-blown chaos. Remember that time bomb I referenced earlier, the clock is down to 00:02 seconds at this point, with inmates throughout the room simultaneously erupting into fights. At one table, Morello and Big Boo are waiting for Norma to take her turn in Scrabble. Her patience running out, Big Boo screams at Norma to
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just go, causing Morello to try and help her with a word. She offers up "knifes," which Big Boo is quick to correct. When Morello defends her word with a reference to West Side Story, Big Boo sasses, "Well, aren't you the plot spoiler? So, here's a good idea. Why don't you mind your own fucking business and go back to planning your cute little hetero wedding? Hey, are you gonna get your dress off of eBay? I sure hope nobody scams you. That'd be fucking ironic." And...tick...tick...BOOM!
The room explodes into screaming and finger-pointing. Healy enters the fray and in an effort to do crowd control, he shouts, "I'm gonna bring back the Women's Advisory Council! The first election will be held this Saturday. In the meantime, don't |
Uh oh...Dad's home
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bother me and simma down." He pronounces "Simmer down now!" just like Cheri Oteri's character on SNL does. Just with less panache because, well, he's Healy. I guess it's campaign season now!
In the cafeteria, Piper grabs a seat with Nichols, Morello, and, who else, but, Alex. As she lowers herself onto the bench, her eyes are glued on Alex, who returns the stare briefly. Throughout this scene, their periodic eyesex is intense and, also, very obvious. Morello, meanwhile, has already embraced the WAC election, describing her plans to take the crown, causing Nichols to scoff at her. Morello explains that Red told her to run and that she is "her pick." Taking offense to Red's nomination, Nichols complains, "I just think it would have been smarter for her to pick a dyke...a real dyke." Yeah, you know, one who has a mullet and drives a Subaru - the only kind of "real dyke" I know. Totes.
In the cafeteria, Piper grabs a seat with Nichols, Morello, and, who else, but, Alex. As she lowers herself onto the bench, her eyes are glued on Alex, who returns the stare briefly. Throughout this scene, their periodic eyesex is intense and, also, very obvious. Morello, meanwhile, has already embraced the WAC election, describing her plans to take the crown, causing Nichols to scoff at her. Morello explains that Red told her to run and that she is "her pick." Taking offense to Red's nomination, Nichols complains, "I just think it would have been smarter for her to pick a dyke...a real dyke." Yeah, you know, one who has a mullet and drives a Subaru - the only kind of "real dyke" I know. Totes.
Morello loved it when I called her "skank" during sex
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So did Piper!
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I don't know if we needed to say that out loud...
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At this, Alex defends, "Yeah, Nicky, last time I checked, Lorna was pretty gay...gay for you, as a matter of fact." Someone didn't read her "White Queer Ladies in LCF" newsletter.
Nichols clues her in: "Oh, you didn't hear? We're done. Well, she's gotta start working on tightening her pussy muscles, 'cause her fiancé's dick is so small, it's like a hot dog in a hallway." Oh, that is small.
Appropriately, Piper reacts to this with a horrified "Wow!" When Taystee creates a commotion across the cafeteria in support of her campaign, Piper asks Morello who else she has to run against.
Morello: "She don't count. Black ladies just run against the other Black ladies. My competition is Pennsatucky, but it don't matter
Nichols clues her in: "Oh, you didn't hear? We're done. Well, she's gotta start working on tightening her pussy muscles, 'cause her fiancé's dick is so small, it's like a hot dog in a hallway." Oh, that is small.
Appropriately, Piper reacts to this with a horrified "Wow!" When Taystee creates a commotion across the cafeteria in support of her campaign, Piper asks Morello who else she has to run against.
Morello: "She don't count. Black ladies just run against the other Black ladies. My competition is Pennsatucky, but it don't matter
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Vauseman and racism 
Bitch said what?
Oh my God, white people really are crazy
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because Red's gonna make all the white girls vote for me." Democracy in action. She lists all of the different tribes who get a representative: white, Black, Hispanic, golden girls, and "others." This just makes me think of "The Others" from Lost, but apparently, in LCF, "others" consists of anybody who doesn't fit into the former four categories (e.g., Asians, Arabs, differently-abled pescetarians, people who enjoy cauliflower).
Piper, being the liberal arts-educated woman that she is (and also not being horrifying), points out, "Not every Hispanic person wants the same thing." "Oh, sure they do. They all want to come to America," replies Morello. ¡Dios mío! When Alex hears this, her head snaps back around to look at Morello in shock at what was just openly uttered from her lips. I would love to see the campaign video she would make. Post-racial America, this is not. "Jesus, your entire world view is based on West Side Story, isn't it?" accuses Nichols. Uh, I think that's exactly what that was. Reveling in the ass-backward ways of Morello, Alex interrupts, "Can we get back to Lorna being racist? More of that, please." Without refuting the label "racist," Morello justifies, "See, I know because my neighborhood is near them." You're "near" all of the Hispanic people of the world? Really? You're from Boston. "They live, like, 20 people to one apartment. They have more kids than even the Irish. The men like their women with big titties, big asses. They're dirty. They're greasy. Their food smells nasty, and they're taking all our jobs." Ho-ly shit, man. I'm betting Morello gets her "facts" from Fox News. Apparently, it's "Bigot Day" at LCF, as elsewhere in the cafeteria, Taystee makes her argument for why she is a better candidate than Sophia: "If y'all want a man representing you, be my fucking guest. That bitch got a plastic pussy or some shit." Unfazed by this ignorance, Sophia responds, "Listen, |
honey, I know all you care about is what you get to watch on the TV, but me and my diamond kitty wanna prioritize things around this place, like health care, basic human rights."
Sadly, but also realistically, Taystee states, "You ain't never gonna change that shit. You think this white people politics?" This leads to one of the best scenes ever, with Taystee/Amanda and Poussey/Mackenzie imitating white people discussing politics. The link to the video is here. Go, watch, enjoy. In the battle of the table of bigots, I choose to sit with Mackenzie and
Sadly, but also realistically, Taystee states, "You ain't never gonna change that shit. You think this white people politics?" This leads to one of the best scenes ever, with Taystee/Amanda and Poussey/Mackenzie imitating white people discussing politics. The link to the video is here. Go, watch, enjoy. In the battle of the table of bigots, I choose to sit with Mackenzie and
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Amanda. If I have to sit around small-minded people, I'd, at least, like to be entertained.
Later, Nichols pays a visit to Red to confront her about the tapping of Morello as the white candidate for WAC. Like an insecure child asking why her sister got a pony for Christmas and she didn't, Nichols tentatively asks her, "Why'd you choose Lorna to run for WAC and not me? I thought I was like your Spock." Aw...nerdy plea for love. "You know, your right hand, your girl Friday, your V.P." Red gently explains, "Lorna is pretty and unthreatening." Sounds like a dream date to me. Red also notes that Lorna listens to her, whereas Nichols does as she pleases. Red needs a puppet and Morello fits the bill perfectly. Red advises Nichols, "Don't confuse being my daughter with getting a vote." Another aw. Before the conversation can continue, though, a pasta-throwing Pornstache enters the kitchen, creepily ripping into a box of cereal to discover some contraband electric toothbrushes that Red has had smuggled into LCF. Pornstache turns one on and points it at |
Don't make me get the floss
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Red, asking, "You bringing in cell phones, too?" Dude, it's a toothbrush, not a knife. Red emphatically denies any involvement, telling Pornstache she has no idea what he's talking about. As he smuggles drugs into the prison for his own personal gain, Pornstache warns Red to stay out of his way and that she better not be the person behind Cell Phone Gate. Red would be wise to do as he directs. Otherwise, who knows what will happen...he might reduce the plaque along her gumline.
Later, Piper is called in to Healy's office for reasons unknown. When she takes a seat, she notices the "Wanted: Pussy" sign atop Healy's desk. Understandably, she is disturbed. Healy, though, has other bizarre things on his mind. Piper turns around to find two dresses in Healy's hands, and he insists she hold up the red dress against her. Well, this is kinky.
Later, Piper is called in to Healy's office for reasons unknown. When she takes a seat, she notices the "Wanted: Pussy" sign atop Healy's desk. Understandably, she is disturbed. Healy, though, has other bizarre things on his mind. Piper turns around to find two dresses in Healy's hands, and he insists she hold up the red dress against her. Well, this is kinky.
What in tarnation is that?
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Howdy padnah!
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When Piper finally expresses her discomfort with the situation, Healy clarifies, "It's for my wife. It's our anniversary tomorrow." Oh, well, then everything's cool. Not creepy at all. After this example of inappropriateness, he instructs Piper to take a seat, while telling her, "I think the two of us working together, we could really turn some things around...or, at the very least, make things a little quieter."
Seeing right through Healy's little speech, Piper states, "You want me to run for WAC." Actually, he wants you to be his puppet on WAC. Just say "no," Piper! Healy explains, "We don't get ladies as bright as yourself in here often." Trying to avoid any backlash from her fellow inmates and also Healy, Piper cheerily replies, "Thank you, Mr. Healy. I appreciate that. I really do, but I'm trying this new thing where I stay out of the spotlight. I feel...I think that it's a better bet for me." Good answer, Piper! Somebody's getting smarter.
Seeing right through Healy's little speech, Piper states, "You want me to run for WAC." Actually, he wants you to be his puppet on WAC. Just say "no," Piper! Healy explains, "We don't get ladies as bright as yourself in here often." Trying to avoid any backlash from her fellow inmates and also Healy, Piper cheerily replies, "Thank you, Mr. Healy. I appreciate that. I really do, but I'm trying this new thing where I stay out of the spotlight. I feel...I think that it's a better bet for me." Good answer, Piper! Somebody's getting smarter.