Published on February 23, 2014
Orange is the New Black episode 1.06: WAC Pack begins with a picture of a lady's lady. Nothing like a naked crotch shot to welcome us back to the show. Unfortunately, though, Assistant Warden Fig is not a fan of this pic. Why not? Because the owner of said lady parts appears to be an LCF inmate, as it was posted on www.prisonpoon.com with a caption mentioning Litchfield,
Ohhhhhhh...em....gee!
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and the picture features some very familiar LCF bathroom tiling. (Side note: sadly, as I am a thorough researcher, said website is not real. Feel free to click on the link and be disappointed.)
If that picture should get out to the public, it spells big problems for LCF, so Fig, in no uncertain terms, orders Caputo to find the culprit behind the vag photo (presumably a cell phone, which, of course, is a prison no-no). Taking this task seriously, next, we see a flyer being passed around internally in LCF showing the vagina adorned with a sombrero, a moustache, and two pistols à la Yosemite Sam, with "WANTED" in big black letters typed at the top. Ah, the wonders of Photoshop. The hunt for the cell phone is now on! A stressed out Healy, meanwhile, is being barraged by the complaints of disgruntled inmates: Yoga Jones' place of happy is being ruined by "the Baptists and the addicts"; Pennsatucky's alleged "God-given right" of having a chapel is being violated; and Crazy Eyes claims she has the |
flu...in her pants. Healy's unhappy; the inmates are unhappy; this place is a ticking time bomb, waiting to explode.
In the visiting area, Piper is also unhappy as her mother came for a visit. When her mom mentions that she saw Polly recently, Piper immediately starts interrogating her mother about her, as Polly has not taken her phone calls since the "chicken incident." Her mother tells her, "It's none of my business, but I think you owe her an apology." Classic mom move - "It's none of my business, but now, let me insert myself in the situation and tell you what to do." To this, Piper screams in frustration, "I have been trying to apologize!" A guard warns Piper to quiet down and her mother gives a fearful "Oh my." Her mom's bridge club is going to die when they hear about this.
Grabbing her daughter's hand, she says with concern, "I need you to be very honest with me. Are you losing it in here? Because we're very worried about you. There are medications." Aw, that's actually very sweet.
In the visiting area, Piper is also unhappy as her mother came for a visit. When her mom mentions that she saw Polly recently, Piper immediately starts interrogating her mother about her, as Polly has not taken her phone calls since the "chicken incident." Her mother tells her, "It's none of my business, but I think you owe her an apology." Classic mom move - "It's none of my business, but now, let me insert myself in the situation and tell you what to do." To this, Piper screams in frustration, "I have been trying to apologize!" A guard warns Piper to quiet down and her mother gives a fearful "Oh my." Her mom's bridge club is going to die when they hear about this.
Grabbing her daughter's hand, she says with concern, "I need you to be very honest with me. Are you losing it in here? Because we're very worried about you. There are medications." Aw, that's actually very sweet.
You calling me loco, lady?
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Is this the face of a loco person?
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Absolutely, yes, it is
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Piper responds: "I am not going crazy. I am surrounded by crazy, and I am trying to climb Everest in flip-flops, but I am not going crazy, okay?" She says this in a cracky way that makes her look even more insane.
Her mother tries to sympathize with her and comments, "God only knows the emotional toll it must take to be in here with that woman." Oooh, Mama Chapman knows Alex is in here. That either came from Larry or Polly.
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Piper: "She is the least of my problems."
"She's your entire problem, Piper," corrects Mama Chapman. "You'd be home trying on wedding dresses, growing your business, giving me grandchildren, if it weren't for her. She stole all that from you." You're right, Mrs. Chapman. Poor little Piper was just sitting at home making specialty soaps and taking ovulation tests, when from out of nowhere, the devious lesbian Alex Vause snuck through the window, tranquilized Piper, put drug money in the hand of the now unconscious Piper, and then called the cops while twirling her moustache. It's a common activity in the lesbian community. Piper: "Mom, I need you to hear what I'm gonna say. I need you to really hear it. I am in here because I am no different from anybody else in here. I made bad choices. I committed a crime, and being in here is no one's fault, but my own." Well, hello there personal growth! Way to go, young lady! Her mother, though, refuses to believe Piper's assertion, concluding, "Darling, |
Oh, you have an opinion of Alex and me, do you?
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you were a debutante." Of course she was.
After this failed mother-daughter session, Piper is greeted in the hallway by Nichols. When Piper complains about her mom, Nichols chastises her: "Look, don't say ungrateful crap like that around here. Your mother shows up, buys you pretzels. Poor you." Oooh, I didn't know about the pretzels; those do sound nice.
Piper: "We all have our shit, Nicky." True dat.
"Yeah, some shit stinks worse than other shit, princess," snaps Nichols. True dat, again.
Piper: "You don't know how my shit smells." Yup, that's getting a triple true dat.
After this failed mother-daughter session, Piper is greeted in the hallway by Nichols. When Piper complains about her mom, Nichols chastises her: "Look, don't say ungrateful crap like that around here. Your mother shows up, buys you pretzels. Poor you." Oooh, I didn't know about the pretzels; those do sound nice.
Piper: "We all have our shit, Nicky." True dat.
"Yeah, some shit stinks worse than other shit, princess," snaps Nichols. True dat, again.
Piper: "You don't know how my shit smells." Yup, that's getting a triple true dat.
It's so hard to be white
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"Sure, I do. Your shit smells like Shalimar. Must have rubbed off when she hugged you goodbye. What a bitch." Well, Piper ain't gonna win this one. Clearly, Nichols' defensiveness is rooted in her own self-described "mommy issues," which we finally get to see in the following scene. In a flashback, we find Nichols lying in a hospital bed, when her mother wakes her. When Nichols comes to, her mother gives her a disapproving look and immediately starts to explain what has happened: "A bacterial infection in your heart...usually introduced from a dirty needle. They also found traces of cocaine in your blood, |
which is a fun new choice for you." Wow, yup, she's terrible. Even if Nichols is responsible for all of it, her mother shouldn't greet her first thing out of surgery with a sarcastic lecture.
Nichols claims, "I had pneumonia. It must've spread or something. Seriously, I'm clean."
Her mother tells her that she had multiple blood transfusions during surgery and proceeds to open the front of Nichols' gown to reveal a large gauze strip covering her heart, presumably where the surgery was done. Yikes. Her mother comments, "Must have been a pretty bad case of pneumonia," and then grabs for her purse to leave, while chuckling to herself.
Nichols asks, "What? You gotta call Paolo? Make sure he's surviving without your tit to suck on?" Oh God...this is going nowhere good quick.
Nichols claims, "I had pneumonia. It must've spread or something. Seriously, I'm clean."
Her mother tells her that she had multiple blood transfusions during surgery and proceeds to open the front of Nichols' gown to reveal a large gauze strip covering her heart, presumably where the surgery was done. Yikes. Her mother comments, "Must have been a pretty bad case of pneumonia," and then grabs for her purse to leave, while chuckling to herself.
Nichols asks, "What? You gotta call Paolo? Make sure he's surviving without your tit to suck on?" Oh God...this is going nowhere good quick.
Do you know if the hospital validates parking?
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*animal growling
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Nichols' mother counters: "You are twenty-six years old. Isn't it time you gave up this angry 'I hate Mom' phase?"
Nichols: "Holy shit! Oh, you're my mom. See, I could have sworn it was that brown woman who made me pancakes and read me Charlotte's Web at night." Is she referring to Aunt Jemima? I love her.
Her mother defends, "I did what was good for you." Nichols immediately questions, "Living with a nanny while you lived in a separate apartment with that prick who thought children carried germs? That's for my own good? I think if you take a second and look at our current situation, you might reconsider."
Deflecting any blame, her mother tells her, "I don't know what more you want from me."
Nichols, in a heartbreakingly honest way, admits, "I want you to do things mothers do. I don't know...hold me, give me sips of water...anything." Her mother, also looking emotionally exhausted, explains that she is here just because she was told Nichols was going to die. When Nichols promises to stay clean in a final plea for her mother to stay, her mother only shakes her head and leaves without another word. Sad. One thing is for sure, though: if you and your mother sit down to watch something together, this episode ain't it.
Nichols: "Holy shit! Oh, you're my mom. See, I could have sworn it was that brown woman who made me pancakes and read me Charlotte's Web at night." Is she referring to Aunt Jemima? I love her.
Her mother defends, "I did what was good for you." Nichols immediately questions, "Living with a nanny while you lived in a separate apartment with that prick who thought children carried germs? That's for my own good? I think if you take a second and look at our current situation, you might reconsider."
Deflecting any blame, her mother tells her, "I don't know what more you want from me."
Nichols, in a heartbreakingly honest way, admits, "I want you to do things mothers do. I don't know...hold me, give me sips of water...anything." Her mother, also looking emotionally exhausted, explains that she is here just because she was told Nichols was going to die. When Nichols promises to stay clean in a final plea for her mother to stay, her mother only shakes her head and leaves without another word. Sad. One thing is for sure, though: if you and your mother sit down to watch something together, this episode ain't it.