Published on January 13, 2014
As episode 1.05: The Chickening opens, it seems Piper has awaken in a new world, a better world. The soothing tones of the song "Sunday Morning" by The Velvet Underground play over the scene, as Piper grabs a mug full of hot tea and waltzes outside, a book tucked underneath her arm. In the relatively empty yard, Piper finds a space under a tree where she can peacefully enjoy her morning. When she cracks her book to begin reading, a soft clucking emerges to her left. That's right...clucking. It is "The Chickening" after all. Confronted by a chicken casually pecking away within feet of her, Piper's head jerks around, surveying the rest of the prison grounds, appearing to look for confirmation of the chicken's reality.
Before we can determine whether Piper's losing it or not, we are interrupted by the enthusiastic moans erupting from Nichols and Morello, who are going at it inside LCF's chapel. And when I say "going at it," I mean it. At the literal climax of the action, Morello lets out a high pitch squeal that, at one point, can only be heard by dogs, while Nichols screams out loving words of affection, such as, "Yes! Yeah! Yeah! You fucking skank!" One day, I hope I can find someone who will whisper sweet nothings like that to me. Really touching.
As Morello comes down off of her manually-induced high, she tells Nichols, "We gotta stop." While Nichols thinks she just means the current sexytimes, Morello continues: "No more. I'm engaged." Yeah, we knew that. Are you just now remembering?
Nichols, though, is not getting what Morello's trying to convey, excitedly ready to dive right back in. Morello pulls away and more
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assertively denies her: "No, it's not fair to Christopher, and I need to start tightening up. You're making me feel like a cave." Wow...I don't even know what part of that makes me more uncomfortable. Morello goes on: "Sometimes, I feel like you're trying to climb inside my womb." Eek...it got worse.
Nichols jokes in response, "What can I say? I've got mommy issues." Oh God, don't say that either! You guys are the anti-ship! Pull it together! Cupping Morello's cheek, Morello lays down the law: "Well, I don't want to do it anymore. This was the last time." Quickly trying to erase the hurt look she has on her face, Nichols takes Morello's news in stride: "All right, yeah, it's cool. Just, at least, get me off first, all right?" That seems fair. "That's not very classy," whines Morello. Uh, hate to tell you, Morello, but we left "classy" about 500 miles ago. Nichols: "We're having sex in a fucking chapel. Come on, you wanna give me blue balls?" Before Morello can respond, lights from above come on and the meth-y sound of Pennsatucky fills the chapel's walls. Desperately grabbing at their misplaced clothing, Nichols and Morello manage to scramble out of the room without being caught. Over in Sophia's salon, she's doing Big Boo's do, while Big Boo takes interest in Sophia's current hormone-free predicament. After thinking on it, Big Boo tells Sophia, "I know what you can do. You find an old lady lifer and you bum her estrogen." Laughing at the suggestion, Sophia remarks, "You think the Fed |
Christopher likes me tight like a tiger
I'm gonna be sick
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gives a shit about a felon's hot flashes? None of that gets covered."
Big Boo: "Nun gets it. I'm on the pill line with her." Yes, but her and Jesus are super tight, so I assume it comes with perks.
"Bullshit. It's probably just anti-depressants," says Sophia, skeptical of the claim.
Big Boo: "Oh, really? Ever heard of an SSRI called Gynotab?" At this, Sophia's eyebrows raise in surprise and I'm betting a certain bestie of the Lord, Our Savior is getting a visit in the near future.
In an LCF recreational room, Piper walks in post-chickening only to see Alex already inside, watching television. Before she takes a seat at a table, Alex looks back at her, and the two of them lock eyes before Alex slowly returns her attention to the t.v. Piper, looking a bit of the creepster, has an unsettling smile on her face, apparently attempting to act nonchalant around her ex. When talking to her tablemates, she speaks as if she's some kind of drugged zombie robot on happy pills:
Big Boo: "Nun gets it. I'm on the pill line with her." Yes, but her and Jesus are super tight, so I assume it comes with perks.
"Bullshit. It's probably just anti-depressants," says Sophia, skeptical of the claim.
Big Boo: "Oh, really? Ever heard of an SSRI called Gynotab?" At this, Sophia's eyebrows raise in surprise and I'm betting a certain bestie of the Lord, Our Savior is getting a visit in the near future.
In an LCF recreational room, Piper walks in post-chickening only to see Alex already inside, watching television. Before she takes a seat at a table, Alex looks back at her, and the two of them lock eyes before Alex slowly returns her attention to the t.v. Piper, looking a bit of the creepster, has an unsettling smile on her face, apparently attempting to act nonchalant around her ex. When talking to her tablemates, she speaks as if she's some kind of drugged zombie robot on happy pills:
Look at this wonderful table. Hello, table
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What a spectacular window. Good morning, window
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She goes on to tell the women about her "beautiful" morning outside in the prison yard when she reveals her chicken sighting. As soon as these words leave her mouth, Morello's head straightens, Murphy turns around from her knitting, and even Romano gives a look of alarm. Noticing this disconcerting reaction, Piper frantically asks, "What? What?"
Leaning forward, Morello questions, "You saw a chicken? Like a real live chicken in the flesh?"
As soon as Piper responds in the affirmative, Romano immediately gets up and leaves the room with Murphy following right behind her. Morello takes a deep breath and says without further elaboration, "You need to talk to Red." I hope this isn't another menses McMuffin incident.
Piper's interrogation continues when she arrives in the kitchen. Red: "You're sure it was a chicken? Not a pigeon?"
Leaning forward, Morello questions, "You saw a chicken? Like a real live chicken in the flesh?"
As soon as Piper responds in the affirmative, Romano immediately gets up and leaves the room with Murphy following right behind her. Morello takes a deep breath and says without further elaboration, "You need to talk to Red." I hope this isn't another menses McMuffin incident.
Piper's interrogation continues when she arrives in the kitchen. Red: "You're sure it was a chicken? Not a pigeon?"
Could it have been a horse? Maybe an armadillo?
WTF is wrong with you people?
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Piper: "No."
Murphy: "What about a quail or a pheasant?" Red adds: "Spruce grouse?" Morello: "American bald eagle?" What is this, a meeting of the National Audubon Society? These ladies know their birds. In disbelief at the intense questioning of her ability to identify a basic farm animal, Piper continues to maintain, "It was a chicken. I know what a chicken looks like. I don't...What's the big deal?" Seeing Piper's certainty, Red removes her glasses and stares at Murphy who begins to tell the legend of "The One Chicken to Rule Them All": "There are no chickens around here. Except for one." Morello: "They say she lived on a farm near here." As if they are all sitting around a campfire telling scary stories, Murphy resumes: "Till one night, the night before all the other chickens were slaughtered, she escaped. She's been out there ever since, living off the land...living on her wits." Living off the land? Is the chicken farming? Does she have her own chickens? Before we can get an answer to this, Nichols enters the room, wanting to know what everyone is talking about. Murphy informs her, "The chicken's back." Not a believer in "The Chicken," Nichols says, "Oh, give me a break. Mom, there is no chicken." Red points out that Piper saw it with her own eyes. When Nichols asks her how the chicken supposedly got over the LCF fence, Piper guesses that it flew. |
Nichols: "Chickens don't fly. It was probably a spruce grouse." What is with LCF and the spruce grouse? Is that the prison mascot?
Now, it's time for Red to enter the fray: "No, it was her. I saw it in a dream." Well, I guess I meant, it's time for "crazy Red" to enter the fray. Nichols bids adieu at this, but Red has no time for the haters and moves right ahead with her story: "She came to me, already dressed in herbs, and a little top hat - black, tilted to one side. And she said, 'Soon, Red, we will be together. Soon, I will be yours.'" Wait, does the chicken want to be cooked by Red or does the chicken want to have sex with Red? Also, why is the chicken dressed in herbs and a top hat. I would think they would clash.
Regardless, Red continues: "No more processed chicken that looks like a hockey puck and tastes like wet paper. Real chicken
Now, it's time for Red to enter the fray: "No, it was her. I saw it in a dream." Well, I guess I meant, it's time for "crazy Red" to enter the fray. Nichols bids adieu at this, but Red has no time for the haters and moves right ahead with her story: "She came to me, already dressed in herbs, and a little top hat - black, tilted to one side. And she said, 'Soon, Red, we will be together. Soon, I will be yours.'" Wait, does the chicken want to be cooked by Red or does the chicken want to have sex with Red? Also, why is the chicken dressed in herbs and a top hat. I would think they would clash.
Regardless, Red continues: "No more processed chicken that looks like a hockey puck and tastes like wet paper. Real chicken
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Kiev." With this, she dreamily smacks her lips, and I'm almost positive now that Red's relationship with this chicken has a somewhat sexual component, which is...fine. No judgment.
Similar to when Veruca Salt's father promises a reward to the first factory girl who finds a golden ticket for his daughter, Red announces to the kitchen, "First girl to bag that bird gets a box of Biore strips." At this, the kitchen clears out, as the inmates begin the frantic hunt for the chicken. Apparently, skin care is very important at LCF. Piper remains, hesitantly asking Red, "Me too?" Awww, Piper. "Yes, you too," answers Red. "You did good bringing this to me. Maybe you're not as useless as I thought." Thank you? I guess. Outside, Sophia catches up to Sister Ingalls and I'm guessing it's not so she can borrow her habit. When she tells Sister Ingalls that she wishes she had attended her discussion group, Sister Ingalls asks her if she is Catholic, |
Mark my word. I'm gonna fuck that chicken
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resulting in Sophia admitting, "No, but, well, I think a lot about overcoming sin, and I just love Jesus Christ." Oh Sophia, no. She goes on to offer a more plausible reason for her sudden interest in Catholicism: "And I've always wanted to try a box of those communion wafers." Me too. They're the forbidden fruit!
Sister Ingalls tells her, "Well, I have a box of a thousand. They're not as fresh as the ones you get outside of prison, but they're good with dip." Oh Sister. At this, Sophia lets out a much harder laugh than the joke warranted, and it has become evident what Sophia is after. When the two of them walk back into the chapel to retrieve Sister Ingalls' hat, they come upon Pennsatucky and her idiot minions attempting to hoist a large cross to the ceiling. Sister Ingalls reminds Pennsatucky that she was specifically told not to put that cross up, but Pennsatucky runs right over her. Sophia warns, "That's not a load-bearing pipe."
Proving to be as horrible as predicted, Pennsatucky turns around to face Sophia, asking her, "What do you know about a load-bearing pipe, lady man?"
Sophia: "I think I just told you." Ah, burn! Sophia, you are divine!
Before Sister Ingalls and Sophia can depart, God decides he/she/it has had enough of Pennsatucky:
Sister Ingalls tells her, "Well, I have a box of a thousand. They're not as fresh as the ones you get outside of prison, but they're good with dip." Oh Sister. At this, Sophia lets out a much harder laugh than the joke warranted, and it has become evident what Sophia is after. When the two of them walk back into the chapel to retrieve Sister Ingalls' hat, they come upon Pennsatucky and her idiot minions attempting to hoist a large cross to the ceiling. Sister Ingalls reminds Pennsatucky that she was specifically told not to put that cross up, but Pennsatucky runs right over her. Sophia warns, "That's not a load-bearing pipe."
Proving to be as horrible as predicted, Pennsatucky turns around to face Sophia, asking her, "What do you know about a load-bearing pipe, lady man?"
Sophia: "I think I just told you." Ah, burn! Sophia, you are divine!
Before Sister Ingalls and Sophia can depart, God decides he/she/it has had enough of Pennsatucky:
God: Yeah, how about not, Pennsatucky
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Sophia: Pfft...this is hilarious
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And with that, the cross comes a tumblin' down, to the horror of everyone in the chapel. Well, except for Sophia, who finds it pretty damn funny.