Continued from Page 3 of Orange is the New Black 1.05: The Chickening
At LCF, the hunt for The Chicken is raging, as the prison yard is filled with inmates searching for the elusive legend. When Piper sees the hysteria going on outside, Trish tells her that there's $1,000.00 inside a chicken out in the yard. My, how the story has grown. Before Trish can elaborate, Piper is aggressively beckoned by Red. She accuses, "This is your fault. You've been blabbing all over about the chicken, haven't you?" Piper denies this and also denies knowing that the chicken's existence was a secret. Red explains, "Black girls hear about a chicken - of course, this will happen."
Piper: "Why? Because all Black people love chicken?"
Red: "Don't be racist. Because they're all on heroin, and somebody's been telling them there's heroin in the chicken." Wow.
Piper: "Why? Because all Black people love chicken?"
Red: "Don't be racist. Because they're all on heroin, and somebody's been telling them there's heroin in the chicken." Wow.
Oh sure, you supposedly were "into women" before with Vause
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I was! She and I had sex all the time!
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Pictures or it didn't happen
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Murphy alleges that Piper may have lied about The Chicken sighting, as a way to impress people. Red complains, "If she hasn't been scared off, the Spanish or the Blacks have her. Those Spanish probably won't even eat her, just cut her throat and drink her blood, or something else superstitious." One question: Why aren't Asians in the mix of this parade of stereotypes? What? Are we too busy making sushi or watching Pokémon to catch a chicken? (Yes, I'm Asian. It's cool, man, it's cool.)
Feeling her dream slip away, Red proclaims, "All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb its power." Ditto, well, except, instead of a chicken, sub in Pikachu, but, otherwise, same.
Using her mastery of human psychology, Piper challenges Red, "So, what? You're just gonna give up? Huh? Just because of a little competition? That chicken is out there, Red, and it's waiting for you...to eat it. And you have been waiting for a very long
Feeling her dream slip away, Red proclaims, "All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb its power." Ditto, well, except, instead of a chicken, sub in Pikachu, but, otherwise, same.
Using her mastery of human psychology, Piper challenges Red, "So, what? You're just gonna give up? Huh? Just because of a little competition? That chicken is out there, Red, and it's waiting for you...to eat it. And you have been waiting for a very long
I remember a certain someone who said they were going to fuck that chicken...
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time to eat it. What do those other girls have that you don't have?" Well, for one, a lot more melanin, but, yeah, I guess that's not relevant.
Red answers, "They have dogs," to which Professor Chapman responds in her best Yoda impression: "Dogs does not a chicken catch. Determination, Red, that's what catches chickens. Who wants the chicken the most? Who will prepare that chicken most expertly? The woman who dreams about it. The woman who was born to eat that chicken. You." When one of the dogs hunting for the chicken interrupts Piper's pep talk, Red screams, "That's mine! That's my chicken!" and makes a mad dash for her destined fowl. Well done, Piper, well done. Well, except for the fact that you sparked an unruly free-for-all in the prison yard, resulting in Pornstache locking it down. He orders all of the inmates outside to lay on the grass face-down, while he berates them: "What the Hell is the matter with you? You trying out for the retard olympics?" |
When Pornstache asks them who claimed a chicken was in the prison yard, everyone quickly throws Piper under the bus.
In Healy's office, Piper is escorted in by a harassing Pornstache who assures her that she will be sent down to SHU for her role in chickengate. Once alone with Healy, though, she is told she will not be heading to SHU as he understands she just "made a mistake." He assumes, as Murphy did, that Piper told people she saw a chicken to try and impress the other inmates. I don't think Murphy and Healy understand what the word "impress" means.
Healy refers to The Chicken as "popular fiction. It's like global warming or female ejaculation." Nothing about what he said
In Healy's office, Piper is escorted in by a harassing Pornstache who assures her that she will be sent down to SHU for her role in chickengate. Once alone with Healy, though, she is told she will not be heading to SHU as he understands she just "made a mistake." He assumes, as Murphy did, that Piper told people she saw a chicken to try and impress the other inmates. I don't think Murphy and Healy understand what the word "impress" means.
Healy refers to The Chicken as "popular fiction. It's like global warming or female ejaculation." Nothing about what he said
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surprises me. Though, my condolences to your wife - yikes. Piper "The Squirter" Chapman, of course, vehemently denies this, leading Healy to ask what she's claiming to be real. She replies, "The chicken...and the...the chicken." Smart move. Sad, but smart. Healy goes on to tell her how she is wrong, but he goes to double-check Wikipedia first to make sure he's got his facts right. Dude, while you're on there, take a gander at the female ejaculation page.
As Healy turns to his computer, Piper gasps: "Oh my God, you have the Internet." Forget not seeing your friends and family or the lack of privacy, the worst thing about prison: no internetz. It's too terrible to even think about. Healy gives up on his Wikipedia-ing and concludes: "I don't want you exciting the other inmates with this kind of talk. They're not like you and me. They're less reasonable...less educated." Says the man who does not believe in climate change or female ejaculation. All right, bro. Healy tells Piper to keep her head down and to stop making claims of seeing a chicken. Seeing as Healy has the ability to throw Piper in SHU, she has no other choice at this point. When Piper returns to her bunk, she's greeted by Poussey: "Yo, chicken lady. I got my visitation revoked 'cause of you. What'd you get?" When Piper doesn't respond, Poussey scoffs: "I should've fuckin' known." That's not unfair. Taystee pops up from behind Piper, warning her, "You better watch it with the stories." Piper tries to respond, but Taystee cuts her off. Well, today's not a great day for friendship. Shifting to another friendship gone bad, Sister Ingalls walks into Sophia's salon, asking, "Still open?" Without looking at her, Sophia reluctantly taps a chair, signaling Sister Ingalls to come in. As she takes a seat, Sister ingalls |
I mean, you're a woman. You've never ejaculated, right?
Why...what have you heard?
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says, "In some tribal cultures, the transgender person is regarded as a shaman." That's an awkward segue, but, at least, you're trying. Sophia tells her, "I'll cut your hair, but I ain't giving you no confession. I already know how I feel. I let 'em down." Aw, Sophia.
Sister Ingalls: "You're still here. And the best thing you can do for them is be strong...inside. You already have the Playboy body."
"What are you doing reading Playboy?" asks Sophia.
Sister Ingalls: "Oh, I read everything." That's a good answer. The next time someone asks me what I am doing watching porn, I'll just answer, "Oh, I watch everything." Not that I watch porn...aaaaanyway, by the end of the conversation, Sophia and Sister Ingalls appear to have struck up a genuine friendship. Aw.
Sister Ingalls: "You're still here. And the best thing you can do for them is be strong...inside. You already have the Playboy body."
"What are you doing reading Playboy?" asks Sophia.
Sister Ingalls: "Oh, I read everything." That's a good answer. The next time someone asks me what I am doing watching porn, I'll just answer, "Oh, I watch everything." Not that I watch porn...aaaaanyway, by the end of the conversation, Sophia and Sister Ingalls appear to have struck up a genuine friendship. Aw.
I found the best jacket today. It looks exactly like my grandmother's couch. I look amazing right now
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Guh...how much longer do I have to talk to this bro?
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Back at the prison phones, Piper is relaying her chicken issues to Larry, who quickly changes the subject to Piper's upcoming call with the Barney's rep. They both acknowledge that the Barney's deal is big for them, as both of them have already borrowed enough money from their parents. Larry goes on to tell her, "Let's just be honest with each other, okay, Pipes? I wanna know what's going on." Knowing this is about Alex, Piper apologizes for not telling him about her and explains, "It has nothing to do with me being attracted to her...really. I just...I didn't want you to know that I was in here with somebody that I hate so much. Oh my God, I swear, sometimes when I'm around her, I feel like I'm going crazy." That's called love, Piper...highly dysfunctional love.
Larry responds, "Well, as long as you keep your figure." This apparently was a joke. I don't understand Larry's family and their jokes. Like at all.
Piper recounts the yoga incident from earlier that day, aggressively venting, "I swear, Larry. I could smash her in the face!" Whoa there, crazy. Calm it down a couple dozen notches.
Larry suggests that Piper refrain from her violent urges and starts to tell her about Alex: "Anyway, about Alex..."
Larry responds, "Well, as long as you keep your figure." This apparently was a joke. I don't understand Larry's family and their jokes. Like at all.
Piper recounts the yoga incident from earlier that day, aggressively venting, "I swear, Larry. I could smash her in the face!" Whoa there, crazy. Calm it down a couple dozen notches.
Larry suggests that Piper refrain from her violent urges and starts to tell her about Alex: "Anyway, about Alex..."
For the love of God, Larry, just shut up, shut up, shut up
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Before he can even finish his sentence though, Paranoia Piper exclaims, "Oh my God. I bet it was her. I bet she's the one who's been spreading rumors about me. I bet she told everybody that I lied about the chicken!" Piper, are you doing crystal meth? What are you even talking about? Larry, in frustration, tells Piper she needs to focus on "real life" and avoid getting sucked into the prison drama. He can tell he's losing his grip on her. He finally gets around to telling Piper about what his father dug up about Piper's indictment, but instead of informing her that Alex was the person who named her, he says, "She didn't name you. I guess it was someone else from the ring." I know he's doing this because his father advised this, but oooh, Larry, this is a risky, risky move. Also, it's a lie, which I'm never gonna support. At Larry's statement, Piper is stunned into silence, shocked that Alex is innocent of all of the charges she had brought against her in her head. Larry, you know not what you do. |
He tells her, "Pipes, this is good, really, because now, you don't have to feel crazy or angry. You can just do your time and stay away from that asshole."
Quietly, Piper: "It's just that, Larry, now this, this means that I'm the asshole." Way to go, Larry. You just pulled the Vauseman ship out of the choppy waters it was in and gave it some smooth sailing in its immediate future. That's what you get for lying and trying to manipulate Piper.
Finally, it's time for Piper's big call with the Barney's rep. As she waits for the rep to get on the line, she tries to pacify an
Quietly, Piper: "It's just that, Larry, now this, this means that I'm the asshole." Way to go, Larry. You just pulled the Vauseman ship out of the choppy waters it was in and gave it some smooth sailing in its immediate future. That's what you get for lying and trying to manipulate Piper.
Finally, it's time for Piper's big call with the Barney's rep. As she waits for the rep to get on the line, she tries to pacify an
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increasingly upset Taystee whose turn it is for the phone. She tells her, "This is a very important phone call. I'm on hold. It's about my company." Oh Lord, "no perspective" Piper strikes again. Fortunately for her, another phone opens up, allowing Taystee to not beat her mercilessly as she deserves. While biding time when Polly tries to figure out how to do a conference call, Piper glances over to the window, only to see The Chicken standing right outside. Gazing at it like it's the second coming of Jesus, Piper tries to get someone else to confirm her sighting, but instead, she is warned to either use the phone or get off of it.
What does Piper do? Abandon the very important phone call to try and capture The Chicken. Of course, she does. This leaves Crazy Eyes to pick up the line with Polly. She tells Polly, "Dandelion ain't here right now. She gone to chase the chicken." Piper, at least, hang up! Don't just leave it there for any whacko to pick up. Piper doesn't care though. She speed walks in and around the prison yard, desperate to grab a hold of The Chicken, to prove herself to |
So, what are you wearing? Ooh, maternity clothes...sexy
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everyone. This scene immediately gives me flashbacks to playing The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time on the sweet ass N64 and trying to collect all the chickens. Those bastards would fly over fences too. It's real, Piper. I believe you.
Unlike Link though, Piper comes up empty-handed as The Chicken suddenly appears on the other side of a tall chain-link fence. The legend lives on.
Unlike Link though, Piper comes up empty-handed as The Chicken suddenly appears on the other side of a tall chain-link fence. The legend lives on.
Continue to Orange is the New Black Episode 1.06: WAC Pack
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