Continued from Page 2 of Orange is the New Black 1.05: The Chickening

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When the ladies finally start working on repairing the chapel, Piper finds a moment to chat with Nichols, trying to get her to join her in the hunt for The Chicken. She tempts her by telling her, "We're gonna search the yard. Morello invited me." Unfortunately, Piper hasn't gotten the memo regarding Nichols' recent parting of the ways with Morello. Nichols clues her in: "Morello and I are sort of taking a break."

Piper, sincerely: "I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?" Aw.

"Yeah, she still thinks her relationship with her fiancé isn't doomed, but she'll be back. Nothing lasts," concludes Nichols. How 

Breaking up with me? Big mistake

positive. How romantic. How awful. 

Later on, in the cafeteria/rec room, Yoga Jones is leading - what else, but yoga - when LCF's Alcoholics Anonymous group marches in, ruining Yoga Jones' vibe. The AA group (which includes Trish, Nichols, Crazy Eyes, Taystee, and Alex) has to share the room with the yoga class (which includes Piper and Morello) due to the chapel's current state of disrepair. What that combination really means though is a room full of drama, of the lesbionic type. Crazy Eyes encourages the yoga class to "keep on doing what you're doing," as she and Nichols take a front row seat to watch the yoga class. Nichols adds," Yeah, let's see one of these downward facing doggie styles." This immediately causes an already flustered Morello to turn around and give Nichols a look of repulsion.

Trying to center Morello, Piper tells her, "Soft eyes, Morello. Soft eyes." I would have told her to go to Hell, but Morello somehow powers through, refocusing on her current asana, which appears to be the "Struggling Drunk Man." Meanwhile, Alex grabs a chair and places it directly in the line of sight of Piper. When Piper 

bends down in a pose, she is greeted by the upside-down view of her ex, who asks, "I'm sorry, am I disturbing you?" With this, Piper calmly rolls up her mat to move to the other side of the room. Alex, pretending to be upset by her imposition, sarcastically bemoans, "Oh man, I did it. I fucked up your Zen."

Piper, giving Alex the death stare, replies, "No, wouldn't wanna accidentally kick you in the face." Ladies, please, a bit of decorum.

Remember Piper: soft eyes, soft eyes.

In the library, Sophia is having a mini-Bible study with Sister Ingalls. Man, she went all in to get her hormones. Sophia sways the conversation to the topic of menopause, asking Sister Ingalls if she had been through it yet, and if so, "Did you just pray that you'd get through it?"

To Sophia's surprise, Sister Ingalls replies, "More or less." Uh oh.

Sophia: "What's the 'more' part?" And the 'less'?"

Sister Ingalls, "I also exercised regularly." Ugh, I find that never to be a satisfactory answer to anything.

Finally, Sophia makes her final push to Sister Ingalls in her 

Never thought you'd see me between your legs again, did ya?

quest for her menopause medication: "I feel like finally...finally, I'm the woman that God intended me to be, you know?"

And what is Sister Ingalls reaction? "You're not getting my hormones," says Sister Ingalls point blank. Whoo buddy, she's known all along. At this, Sophia's face quickly loses its smile, but Sister Ingalls tries to move past it immediately, asking Sophia, "Now, shall we return to scripture?"

This, expectedly, does not go over well with Sophia. When she accuses Sister Ingalls of "playing" with her, Sister Ingalls 

Sister Ingalls: We're still watching Lost Girl tonight, right? Sophia?

responds, "You may be unhappy, but it has nothing to do with your body. If you were truly a woman, you'd never be happy with that anyway. You have guilt." I do not like where this is going. Sophia scoffs at these remarks, asking her what she would have guilt about. Sister Ingalls responds, "About leaving your wife to take care of Michael alone. About Michael being..." Uh, ma'am, Sophia may not have been right in pretending to befriend you to acquire your hormones, but I also would caution you in making conclusions as to what her issues are and what they pertain to. 

Sophia cuts Sister Ingalls off, yelling, "Don't you talk to me about that! You don't get to talk to me about that. Leave me alone!" as she storms out of the library. Jesus sad.

Back in AA/yoga, the women are listening to the moving account of Taystee who describes a time where she found herself atop a bulldozer topless: "So, I'm sitting there, barbecue sauce on my titties, and I'm like 'What the fuck? Again?'" Hey, we've all been there. Am I right? After Taystee steps down from the podium, Alex volunteers to share her story. Oh boy.

She walks up and begins: "I don't have a great rock-bottom story because my rock bottom is happening right now. Not that you're not all great, but I guess I just thought I'd never be here. You know? I thought I was someone who was in control, and I was in control for a while...when I only dealt heroin. Not even dealt, I mean, I was an importer. But, yeah, I was going through a break-up, and it was around. Actually, I think it's more accurate to say that I was abandoned." And now, you've gone and done it. Alex says this last line while looking directly at Piper, who also is intently staring right back at her. Upon the word "abandoned," Piper shakes her head in anger and immediately starts to roll up her yoga mat.

...of course, though, Piper's favorite was the strap-on...

You never let me wear it! i was always the bottom!

You never asked

Alex continues: "Heroin was the best girlfriend that I ever had. You know, she always made me feel better, and she was always available. But even the best girls will fuck you over, you know?" Straw - meet the camel whose back you're about to break. Piper, power-walking her yoga-ass out of there, spits back angrily, "Yeah, you would fucking know, wouldn't you?"

There is only one appropriate response to that exchange, courtesy of the masterful Saved by the Bell:

For some reason, Alex seems disappointed by Piper's reaction, as if she possibly could react well to that. You two are a hot mess, and Alex, you are a grade A shit-starter.

The next thing we hear is Larry's father asking him, "You want to know if she fingered her? I think that's been established." Apparently, this was him joking with his son. Who jokes with their children in this manner?! I hope to God my parents never tease me by referencing my current significant other being "fingered" by another person. 

Larry, though, seems unfazed by it, and moves on, apologizing to his parents for being late with the rent. Ah, so Polly was right! Burn!

When his mother asks him about his work, Larry mentions that he's working on a trend piece about edging. He explains that it's where "you have sex or masturbate without coming." You guys! You're still sitting at the dinner table! I thought Larry's parents were weird; apparently, it afflicts the entire family. We can't just discuss current events or how our days went? After being urged by his mother to orgasm to prevent blockage, Larry implores his father, "Dad, please. I know you don't like Piper, but I'm asking you to help me."

Larry's dad: "Who said I don't like her? I like her. She's the nicest felon you've ever dated." Pssht, that is funny, actually. He admits, "I just think she's a bit wispy. I thought you'd end up with someone more substantial." Ouch...saying she lacks substance...that's gotta hurt.

Larry asks in frustration, "Are you talking about her moral character or the size of her breasts?"

His father's response: "Please. I'm an ass man." Larry's mother confirms this, and I, just...this is a house of horrors.

My son is a putz

Larry's dad finally gets around to what Larry had asked about: Alex's role in Piper's indictment. He refers to Alex as Piper's girlfriend, which Larry quickly corrects. I like Larry's dad. He goes to confirm that "unequivocally," Alex named Piper. WHAT?! Oh man, Alex, not cool. Seriously, not cool! I really believed you when you told Piper you didn't name her. Not only that, you had the gall to act legitimately offended at Piper's accusation that you had a part in her imprisonment. In the words of Tyra Banks: "I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you! How dare you?!"

via xxhazeleyesxx.tumblr.com

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Continue to Page 4 of Orange is the New Black 1.05: The Chickening

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