Continued from Page 1 of Orange is the New Black 1.05: The Chickening
Oooh, visiting time! Both Larry and Polly are present to see Piper, and Piper immediately tells them about her chicken sighting and its positive effect on her relationship with Red. Unsurprisingly, they both don't really know how to react to this bizarre news, and their one word responses make this point obvious to Piper. When she asks Polly about the status of their business together, Polly smiles and replies, "Oh, well, it's funny, but, um, there's a problem." Man, whenever I have to break bad news, I'm pulling a Polly: smile and tell them it's funny.
When Piper expresses her unhappiness with the snag their business hit, Polly mentions that delaying the expansion of the business may be the best thing to do right now. Uh oh. Piper: "Polly, I quit my job for this."
Polly: "And then you went to prison. If I'd know you wouldn't be around to handle things, I would have delayed the baby and gotten a puppy, but I'm the size of Venus and allergic to dogs...Fuck it." Psst...Piper, remember how you're the one sitting in federal prison right now? Yeah, you don't really have a leg to stand on, or if you do, that leg has gangrene.
When Piper expresses her unhappiness with the snag their business hit, Polly mentions that delaying the expansion of the business may be the best thing to do right now. Uh oh. Piper: "Polly, I quit my job for this."
Polly: "And then you went to prison. If I'd know you wouldn't be around to handle things, I would have delayed the baby and gotten a puppy, but I'm the size of Venus and allergic to dogs...Fuck it." Psst...Piper, remember how you're the one sitting in federal prison right now? Yeah, you don't really have a leg to stand on, or if you do, that leg has gangrene.
You're being extremely difficult, Polly
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Bitch, please
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At this point, Larry intervenes, "Polly, we were counting on the extra income." Oh, Larry, bad idea. You are not a part of this business. Stay out of this convo.
Having none of Larry's shit, Polly: "Please, like you even pay rent." Oh shit, son.
In an offended tone, Larry: "I pay rent. Who told you I don't pay rent?" In response, Polly just tips her head knowingly and sassily, and it's delicious. Yes, Polly, yes.
Ignoring the smackdown that Polly just laid on her fiancé, Piper tries to reason with her, "Polly, I know that you're having a baby,
Having none of Larry's shit, Polly: "Please, like you even pay rent." Oh shit, son.
In an offended tone, Larry: "I pay rent. Who told you I don't pay rent?" In response, Polly just tips her head knowingly and sassily, and it's delicious. Yes, Polly, yes.
Ignoring the smackdown that Polly just laid on her fiancé, Piper tries to reason with her, "Polly, I know that you're having a baby,
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but what about our baby? What about baby Poppy?" Piper, you're sitting in jail. In a battle over who's the most neglectful parent to baby Poppy, you win! Eventually, though, a potential solution arises, which involves a three-way call with Piper in prison, Polly, and a lady from Barney's. Let's see how this goes.
When the two-minute warning is announced, Piper remembers to ask Larry, "Honey, have you talked to your dad about Alex?" Larry tells her he has not gotten around to it yet, making Piper pester him: "Faster, please. Come on." Oh Piper, you are a delight. When Polly asks her why Larry's dad is checking on Alex, Piper answers, "So, I can shove it in her smug, lying, fucking lying, fucking face." I'm sensing some anger. Actually, I'm sensing some fucking anger. Of course, though, this reply now makes Larry and Polly aware that Alex is also enjoying a stay at LCF too - something Piper forgot until it had left her mouth. Realizing her error, Piper groans, while Larry asks, "What, she's in here with you?" Piper replies with a small "yes," leading Polly to let out a small gasp and |
...and her stupid fucking face...with that stupid fucking tongue that is so...stupidly fucking amazing!
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an "Oh..." Polly doesn't feel bad for Larry one bit, but instead reacts like the girl who just found out her best friend is in deep shit with her parents. Solidarity, sister.
Larry accuses/questions Piper, "You lied to me?
Piper, in a light singsong voice: "Honey, I didn't lie to you. I just failed to mention. I didn't want you to worry." Awkward city. Polly just sits there quietly, hoping her mom calls and says she has to go home for dinner.
Larry accuses/questions Piper, "You lied to me?
Piper, in a light singsong voice: "Honey, I didn't lie to you. I just failed to mention. I didn't want you to worry." Awkward city. Polly just sits there quietly, hoping her mom calls and says she has to go home for dinner.
Ooooh yes, Vauseman lives!
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"Worry? Worry about what?" asks Larry in an increasingly upset tone.
Polly, matter-of-factly: "That she'd turn gay again." Well, someone had to say it, though not necessarily with that phrasing. Piper: "Whoa. That's not happening." Then as if somehow channeling yours truly, Piper takes a moment to lecture Polly, "And you don't just turn gay. You fall somewhere on a spectrum, like on a Kinsey scale." There's always time to explain the non-binary nature of human sexuality. Well, at least, in my opinion. Polly thinks otherwise, giving Piper an annoyed, "Okay!" the same way I would reply to my parents when I was thirteen. Turning back to Larry, Piper assures him, "Besides, she is the last person around here that I'd sleep with." Asking a fair question to that stupid statement, Larry: "Who's the first?" Oh my, Piper, you are currently swimming in an ocean of disaster, and for |
some reason, you keep going deeper and deeper.
Stuttering, she tries to undo some of the damage, "See? I didn't mean that. I just...This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you because I knew you would do this. What are you afraid of? That I'm going to do something...gay?" Ah, textbook technique, turning your awfulness on the person you awful-ed.
Larry: "I wasn't before, until you lied. Now, I'm wondering if maybe you're worried you will."
Continuing her streak of wonderful comments during this shitshow, Polly interjects, "Ah! Classic projection." Polly and I are of the same mind.
Stuttering, she tries to undo some of the damage, "See? I didn't mean that. I just...This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you because I knew you would do this. What are you afraid of? That I'm going to do something...gay?" Ah, textbook technique, turning your awfulness on the person you awful-ed.
Larry: "I wasn't before, until you lied. Now, I'm wondering if maybe you're worried you will."
Continuing her streak of wonderful comments during this shitshow, Polly interjects, "Ah! Classic projection." Polly and I are of the same mind.
What? You guys don't think I'd actually hook up with Alex again?
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*crickets chirping
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This expectantly results in Piper giving her "the look" and ordering, "Polly, don't help." And with that, visiting time is over. Well, that was productive, if not ultimately damaging to the relationships between all three of them. Good work!
After this failure of a visit, the inmates of LCF are sitting in the chapel, dealing with the fallout from Pennsatucky's cross debacle. Standing atop the rubble, Pornstache is lecturing the ladies, along with Bennett and Luschek. What a dream team of terrible. Pornstache zeroes in on Pennsatucky, who he refers to as a "missed opportunity for cradle death." He is the worst, but I'm just going to say it. That's hilarious, too. I'm not gonna lie. Don't worry, though, the others don't escape Pornstache's compliments either, as he refers to them as the "other shit-birds." Quite a way with words.
During Pornstache's tirade, Poussey asks a very good question, "Man, why she ain't in SHU? Janae got sent to SHU just for talking." Mmmhmmm.
After Bennett pretends to be a tough guy, Pennsatucky gives a predictably crack-y response, "It weren't my fault. I was just doing
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as the Spirit commanded." When the Spirit was reached for comment, he/she/it replied, "Nah uh. I had nothing to do with that."
Poussey: "Fuck are you? Joan of Arc?" To this, Pennsatucky turns around to look at Poussey in confusion, answering, "No, I'm from Waynesboro. My name is Tiffany..." Ah-mazing. "She knows what your fucking name is!" yells Pornstache. He tells Bennett to grab some inmates and start the demolition of the chapel, when Piper "Goody Two-Shoes" Chapman raises her hand to ask a question: "Could we get some masks? For the mold and the rat shit dust." Oh Piper. The other inmates laugh at this request, but Pornstache directs Bennett to get some dust masks. Hmm, nevermind, I guess. Solid question, Piper. Before the work can begin, though, Pennsatucky feels the need to make sure everyone knows she's an ignorant bigot first. She points to Sophia and says, "I don't want 'it' here." Girrrrrrl, check yo self. |
If you don't like my rhetorical answers, stop asking rhetorical questions!
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Sophia gives Pennsatucky a look filled with sass and "Bring it, bitch," telling her, "Oh, please!"
Pennsatucky reasons, "That's why this whole thing happened. God's angry that there's an abomination in the church, and if we don't get rid of 'it,' it's just gonna keep on happening." Again, when reached for comment, God: "That's totes not true. Sophia's my homie."
Pornstache has hit his limit for stupid for the day (which is not easy to do), and he says to Pennsatucky, "All right, you listen to me. You are not an agent of God, okay? God can do so much better than you. You must know that, right? Jesus Christ, how the fuck did you survive infancy?"
In a moment of pure splendor, Pennsatucky answers in all seriousness, "My auntie helped my momma..."
"THAT'S A RHETORICAL QUESTION! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT A FUCKING RHETORICAL QUESTION IS?" screams Pornstache.
Sister Ingalls: May God strike you down!
Sophia: Yeah, bitch!
Sophia: Yeah, bitch!
Sister Ingalls chimes in, "Sophia just cares about the church." Really?
Sophia: "Mmhmm."
Sister Ingalls: "And she just wants to help."
Sophia: "Mmhmm."
Sister Ingalls: "Help clean up the mess you made."
Sophia, emphatically: "MMHMM!" God, I love this show. (An amazing gifset of all of Sophia's "mmhmm"s is posted here.)
After getting tag-teamed by Sister Ingalls and Sophia, Pornstache piles on to Pennsatucky: "You see there, Pennsatucky? That's just what I've been saying the whole time. You're an idiot." He then leans in close to her and whispers in her ear, "I want to fuck Jesus in his hand-hole." Whoa, dude. Pornstache grabbed the dial and turned it straight to "Max Blaspheming" and kept on going.