Published on December 29, 2013
All right, fourth episode of the series! Episode 1.04: Imaginary Enemies begins where 1.03: Lesbian Request Denied left off: in a pool of Crazy Eyes' urine. So, not ideal.
New roomies Claudette and Piper have a whisper-argument as Piper tries to sop up Crazy Eyes' liquid gift with maxi pads. Man, those really are the duct tape of prison - a million uses! Claudette aggressively questions Piper as to how she will disinfect the now tainted floor of their bunk space. Ma'am, is this really the time to hammer Piper about disinfecting that small area of the floor? I mean, the entire prison is a cesspool, relatively speaking. It'd be like screaming about your pile of trash being smelly when you're standing in a landfill. Two words for you, Claudette: Awareness and priorities.
New roomies Claudette and Piper have a whisper-argument as Piper tries to sop up Crazy Eyes' liquid gift with maxi pads. Man, those really are the duct tape of prison - a million uses! Claudette aggressively questions Piper as to how she will disinfect the now tainted floor of their bunk space. Ma'am, is this really the time to hammer Piper about disinfecting that small area of the floor? I mean, the entire prison is a cesspool, relatively speaking. It'd be like screaming about your pile of trash being smelly when you're standing in a landfill. Two words for you, Claudette: Awareness and priorities.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT!
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Did you just yell at me?
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Oh God...no, nope. Don't think so. Certainly not. Please don't hurt me.
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Claudette threatens, "I ought to knock you into Tuesday for bringing that baggage to my house!" First off, "Knock you into Tuesday" - did you not have a non-old-fogeyism available to use? Secondly, your "house?" Um, a seven foot by seven foot area in the middle of a room without a door does not a house make. It doesn't even qualify as an enclosure. Let's calm down, please.
When Claudette continues to yell at Piper while she's trying to sanitary napkin her way through the pee, Piper finally snaps and points out that she's the one bearing the brunt of Crazy Eyes' midnight number one on their floor: "I have to sleep with stranger
You down with O.P.P.?
No
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pee on me." Having no sympathy for her, Claudette mocks Piper, "Oh Coo-coo, it's hard for you. Little girl lost." They're not winning any "Roomies of the Month" award any time soon.
Once the sun has come up, Claudette is greeted by another person she wants nothing to do with - Tricia Miller, who looks a bit...well, druggy. Tricia starts out trying to flatter Claudette by calling her "O.G." and telling her that she gives her "mad props." Um, I know you're on drugs, Tricia, but still...did you give more than 3 seconds worth of thought as to how you were going to approach Claudette? Speaking to her like she's a gangster in the late 90s is not a rock solid choice. Tricia finally gets to the point, asking Claudette if she would make a cake to celebrate her girlfriend Mercy getting out of prison. Claudette clarifies that she had made a cake before "to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ." Tricia reasons, "Well, Mercy be resurrecting up out of here, right?" Oh, Tricia, no. "Are you saying your Mercy is like the good Lord Jesus? Did your Mercy die for our sins? I don't think so," harrumphs Claudette. I don't know. Maybe Mercy died for our sins too. I don't like to assume. Tricia succinctly explains the reasoning behind her request: "She's my boo." Aw. Claudette tells Tricia to go away, when Piper walks back into the bunk space, her arms carrying a box full of gifts and packages from her loved ones. Tricia asks Piper, "Got anything sexy in there?" |
Proving her privileged lack of awareness is still alive and well, Piper offers up, "I might have some Nicholson Baker." What is wrong with you?
Tricia returns her focus to Claudette, telling her while grabbing her own crotch, "So, whatchu want? You want some of this, huh? You like this? I can make you feel good. That's how much I love my girl." Well, Tricia, Claudette can make you dead, which I believe she is seconds away from doing, so please stop.
Tricia returns her focus to Claudette, telling her while grabbing her own crotch, "So, whatchu want? You want some of this, huh? You like this? I can make you feel good. That's how much I love my girl." Well, Tricia, Claudette can make you dead, which I believe she is seconds away from doing, so please stop.
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Surprising to no one, Claudette dismisses "Salesperson of the Year" Tricia and begins to threaten Piper again over her mess. She is just one big beacon of light and happiness.
Later that day, we find Piper attending her first prison shop class, led by instructor Luschek. After an absurd conversation with Nichols, Piper and the other "Newt" Watson are given a casual rundown of how the shop class works. Piper, though, feels a mistake has been made and informs Luschek, "I asked to be put in the education program." Luschek replies, "Is that right, sweetheart?" Ick, and I hate him now. That was quick. "Yes, I think I'd be more useful there. I was a T.A. in college," proudly announces Piper. "Oh what's that, like 'tits' and 'ass'?" wisecracks Luschek. He turns to laugh with all of the no one who finds it funny. Sad, sad man. |
No one's getting out of here alive...not even the newts
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Piper is summarily denied a transfer to the education program and is tasked with fixing a lamp. Tons o' fun. Fellow newt Watson, though, has no intention of being a poorly paid laborer and complains her way into being the tool check-in-and-out-er. (That's the official name of the position, right?) With this job comes great responsibility: Watson is warned that if a tool is unaccounted for, she's going to be sent to SHU. Yikers.
Back in the cafeteria, Mercy is preparing for her departure from LCF, receiving a job connection from Red and giving away some of her clothes, including a muumuu. (What young girl has a muumuu to give away?) When Yoga Jones asks if she can keep a large gray t-shirt, Mercy gives it the okay, much to the dismay of Big Boo. She looks at Mercy, stating, "That's my shirt. I gave you that shirt."
I'm going to make a pillow out of it to have your scent next to me at night
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Too much information
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"Yeah, you gave it to me. So, it's mine, and I can give it to who I want," asserts Mercy right back at Big Boo. Uh oh. Ex-girlfriend spat approaching.
Big Boo warns, "Little girl, don't make me go mental on you." Oooh, she looks capable of that. Mercy, step down; step down.
An unimpressed Mercy responds, "Boo, you don't run me no more. I know you miss my ass, but Trish has been taking real good care of it. And soon, it's walking out of here." She then goes over and grabs the gray t-shirt at issue, smells it, and advises Yoga
You are my least favorite Mrs. Boo
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Jones, "You might want to wash it. Still got some stank on it." Damn girl. So, apparently, this relationship was not one of those "it was a mutual decision and we still have love and respect for one another" types. Instead, it's an "I'm giving away the stanky tokens of our relationship and publicly bashing you" one. Prison romance - the stuff of dreams.
Getting up in her face, Big Boo leers at Mercy, softly saying, "You know, it's not your ass I want anymore. It's your back. Yeah, you better watch it, bitch." Oh, wow, how unpleasant. After the exes part ways, Red explains to Morello the dangerous history of Big Boo and her paramours: "She stole Shelley's date. Mrs. Boo - three Mrs. Boos ago. A week before her date, Boo had some girl jump her. There was a fight. Shelley had been growing out her nails...mauled that girl like a tiger. Caught two more years down the hill." Morello lets out a horrified, "Jeez." I concur. Three lessons from that story: 1) Do not become a Mrs. Boo; 2) Do not mess with Big Boo; 3) If you're a queer lady, for goodness sake, don't |
grow your nails out. That never ends well. Also, I would add: do not enter a relationship with someone who has the same name as a bizarre Super Mario Bros. character. I keep waiting for her to emit a high-pitched squeal.