Continued from Page 3 of Orange is the New Black 1.04: Imaginary Enemies
Soon, the hunt for the missing screwdriver is renewed and Claudette and Piper's cubicle is being inspected again. Uh oh. While Piper and Claudette stand outside, Piper whispers to her, "The screwdriver is still in there." Oh boy, I don't know why you told her that now. 

The two of them engage in a 20-decibel level argument outside the room as Pornstache tears it apart. When he checks under Piper's mattress, though, surprisingly, he turns up empty-handed.

After the search, Piper confirms the screwdriver's disappearance. She's not out of the woods yet. Claudette addresses her biggest problem: "You lied to me. That's strike two. If there's a strike three..."

"Can you please cut me a little bit of slack?" interrupts Piper. She has finally hit her limit of being Claudette's punching bag. Continuing on, Piper tells Claudette, "I have been here for less than two weeks. I have been starved out, felt up, teased, stalked, threatened, and called Taylor Swift. And now, you. I am doing my best to learn the ropes. I really, really am. The screwdriver is no longer here. It cannot get you in trouble. I take full responsibility, and I may be suffering from short-term memory loss and I don't know why, so can you please just cut me some slack? Okay?" When she turns around, not waiting for an answer, an impressed smile spreads across Claudette's face. Golf claps for the white lady.

Back at Mercy's going away party, the ladies are listening to Taystee's poetic and also wisdom-filled spoken word. When Alex shows up, Trish goes over to remind her of the revoked invitation. Alex plays it off, saying she was just there to use the microwave, but Mendoza sees through it and tells her, "Baby, high school is high school. And don't be talking to me, white girl!" That's not how high school was for me. It also didn't involve tampon breakfast sandwiches or ex-girlfriends who peed when upset. 
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I'm gonna show you who's the new sheriff in town!
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Wait, hold on...I gotta sneeze first
Maybe I just happened to be at an abnormally tame school.

Becoming more and more insecure and anxious about Mercy's departure, Trish confesses, "I'm going to miss you, and I may be in here for a lil' while. Promise you'll wait for me?"

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Hey, this doesn't taste like pussy at all
"Baby, course I promise. Don't let Boo get into your head. I'm your girl," assures Mercy. The two of them share a kiss, and upon seeing it, Red walks over and offers corn on the cob to Boo while telling her, "Plenty of other pussy in here. Let it go." Ah, words of comfort. Just like what my mother would say. Well, of course, probably without using the word "pussy."

Mercy is pulled onto the floor by Taystee, where she and the other inmates are dancing, but Trish stays behind, watching her with discomfort. This is not a good sign.

In the hallways, Piper runs into Nichols, who notices her acting even weirder than usual. When she asks her if she's doing okay, Piper tells Nichols, "I think I might have gotten Miss Claudette really mad at me." What happened to the alpha female Piper who had just laid down the law with her roomie minutes ago?
Nichols responds, "You know how some people have imaginary friends? I think you might have imaginary enemies." I second that diagnosis, Dr. Nichols. Well done.

In a non-sequitur, Piper asks Nichols, "What did she say to you?"

Confused as to whom "she" is, Nichols requests clarification as to who "she" is. Piper tells her she means Alex.

Nichols: "She said you were a squirter." Ha ha ha ha, oh Nichols, I love you.

Piper reacts in unabashed horror, her mouth wide with disgust. She stutters, "I don't...That's...Once! It happened once, and it took us both by surprise." Awww, Piper, there's seriously nothing to be ashamed of; exactly the opposite actually. Mazel tov!

The evolution of horror/glee at the tale of Piper "Squirter" Chapman

Nichols' eyes bulge out in shock at what she duped Piper into revealing. With a face akin to a child on Christmas morning, Nichols gleefully discloses: "Wow! I was kidding, but good to know. Whatever they are, she's keeping your secrets, but I'll get them outta you. More than once."

Piper: "Do you think that she'll try to hurt me in my sleep?" Piper, what are you smoking?

Nichols: "Who, Alex?"

Piper clarifies that she meant Claudette. She is jumping from one paranoia to another. Nichols tells her she has nothing to worry about, and the scene cuts to Miss Claudette.

Seeing Trish in Mercy's cubicle, Claudette rushes in, demanding to know what Trish is doing. Trish tells her to "fuck off," but 
Claudette saw the drugs in Trish's hands, knowing what she is up to. She grabs Trish by the throat, shoving her against the wall. She tells her, "You can't take away that girl's shot at getting out." Oh man, Trish, no. What are you doing?

Trish denies Claudette's accusation, but Claudette persists: "You will not steal Mercy's date over a school girl crush. You can't play with someone's life like that."

Sadly, Trish justifies, "But I love her." Oh, the things we tell ourselves in the name of love.

Claudette: "Love...is not an excuse." With that, she roughly releases her grip around Trish's neck and walks off, leaving Trish to decide what she's going to do.

Next, we see a desperate Luschek smuggling a screwdriver he bought outside of prison into the shop class building. Clearly, the pressure was too much. When Piper goes in to check out a tool, 
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You really need to moisturize your hands
she sees a screwdriver in place of the missing one. Luschek unconvincingly tells her he found it under the sink. Yeah, that makes sense.

Instead, we discover the real whereabouts of the screwdriver in question. It's in...well, let's just saying it's doing God's work...or, no, actually, just work. The prison population is a creative population. I'll give em that. Gotta do what ya gotta do.

By the end of the episode, Piper hesitantly returns to her cubicle, fearfully awaiting what Claudette has in store for her. After taking a deep breath, she walks into it to find her belongings neatly organized and in fine condition. Awww.

Afterwards, Piper watches as Mercy bids goodbye to LCF. Big Boo tells Mercy, "Sorry I've been such a dick. You know, I'm gonna miss you little girl." Eww...not sure if I love the "little girl" part, but hey, it's nice to see them make amends before she leaves. Big Boo goes in for a final kiss, but Pornstache warns them away from doing so.

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I'm gonna miss you so much
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This, less so
Then it's time for Mercy and Trish to say goodbye, and they don't care what Pornstache has to say. Trish rushes into Mercy's arms, kissing her deeply before Pornstache's hands literally comes up to block any further "touching." He reminds them, "No tongue-fucking in the visitation room, you know that." Trish tells Mercy, "I love you," and Mercy reiterates her promise to wait for Trish to get out. Watching from across the room, Piper becomes teary-eyed, as if she's watching her favorite soap opera.

Mercy takes a final look at everyone and as she walks out, she gives Big Boo another kind acknowledgment before she is escorted out of LCF. Piper looks over at her now friendly roommate, Claudette, who has a look filled with longing and that oh-so-dangerous hope she warned against earlier. I'm rooting for ya, Miss Claudette.

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Continue to Orange is the New Black 1.05: The Chickening
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