Continued from Page 2 of Orange is the New Black 1.04: Imaginary Enemies
Outside, Piper is trying to nonchalantly walk into the shop building to put back the screwdriver without anyone noticing. Unfortunately, guards suddenly appear, performing frisks of every inmate in the yard. Before she can figure out her next move, a familiar yell comes from the fence: "Heeeey, Dandelion! I've been missin' on you!"
Immediately recognizing the unbalanced tones of Crazy Eyes' voice, Piper hesitantly turns her head towards the fence. Crazy Eyes: "Hey, don't be ignoring me now. I do like I do." What does that mean? If by "do like I do," you mean you urinate on people's floors in the middle of the night, then yes...you do do like you do. Congrats?
She goes on, "Don't be mad at me, Dandelion. I'm sorry. Just don't make me angry, all right? You don't want to see me when I'm angry." Uh, Piper knows. We all know. Alex is still picking cherry pie out of her hair and Claudette can still smell the ammonia-like
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odor coming from the floor of their cubicle. Duly noted.
More concerned over the quickly approaching frisk of a guard, Piper is noticeably not responding, resulting in Crazy Eyes screaming, "So I drank a lot of water?!" As if that was the reason for the midnight pee blitzkrieg. Crazy Eyes, we don't have time for you right now. Turning away from the oncoming guards, Piper runs right into Healy. Finding an opportunity to possibly evade a pat-down, Piper sputters around before finding her words, "I actually wanted to thank you." Curious as to what she is thankful for, Healy asks what is behind this and Piper continues to struggle to find words. Eventually, she ekes out, "I haven't quite figured it out yet, but I'm gonna be able to rewire a lamp. Soon. And, um, I'm very excited about that. I've always felt that I lacked, uh, practical skills in life and, um, I don't know." She looks like she's smoking crack, all twitchy and paranoid. Healy |
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notices and asks her what's wrong with her. A guard walks straight towards Piper, but ends up moving past her, though he stares her down. Count your lucky stars, Chapman.
Once safe for the moment, Piper scampers off back into the building like a frightened squirrel trying to hide her contraband nut. She goes back to her cubicle and spastically ends up shoving it under her bed. You know, because no one would think to look there. Piper, even toddlers would look under the bed first. Think, woman, think!
As soon as she has done this, a menacing group of inmates waltzes into Piper and Claudette's cubicle and surrounds Piper. Oh
Once safe for the moment, Piper scampers off back into the building like a frightened squirrel trying to hide her contraband nut. She goes back to her cubicle and spastically ends up shoving it under her bed. You know, because no one would think to look there. Piper, even toddlers would look under the bed first. Think, woman, think!
As soon as she has done this, a menacing group of inmates waltzes into Piper and Claudette's cubicle and surrounds Piper. Oh
So, when I twerk, I start by flashing my gang signs...
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man, it's beatdown time. Their leader, Big Boo, says, "Heard you were helping Tricia with a letter." Uh oh.
Piper: "Oh, I just said that I would look at it with her. I don't...I don't want any trouble." Big Boo: "Neither do I. I just want you to help me with mine." The other inmates join in, telling Piper they want her help as well. Aww...look at you, Piper! You have found a discernible skill that actually has some currency in LCF. You may be remembered for something other than just crying and screaming a lot. Also, you've likely decreased the population of people who would shank you. This is good! While Piper is trying to figure out how to help them all, Big Boo sits down on her bed and appears to notice something interesting. I bet I know what. Before long, though, Claudette enters the room and does what she always does: yells at Piper. Piper immediately does what she always does with Claudette: apologize and attempt to pacify. Piper: "I'm sorry. I know how you feel about |
guests. I asked them to leave. They are looking for legal help." She looks like a scared child trying to get out of trouble with her mother. Y'all are weird.
Claudette gives the heave ho to the visiting women, and then asks Piper if she took care of the screwdriver issue. Piper lies, badly, spitting out: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all good." It's like the record skipped and Piper's voice just kept saying "Yeah" over and over again. Smooth, Piper.
Meanwhile, in the library, Nichols comes upon Alex reading a book on the floor. Nichols seats herself right next to her and the two start discussing near-death experiences. Alex mentions, "I had this roommate. She was a history major. She claims that she died doing a bunch of whip-its, and that an angel of darkness gave her all the answers to her renaissance final and sent her back." I'm going to be honest with you. When Alex mentions whip-its, I immediately envisioned that toy from the 90s that you swung around your ankle to mimic jumping rope. I was highly confused how a girl died from that. Apparently, that toy is called a Skip it, not a whip-it. I'm basically Piper right now - sad and clueless.
Claudette gives the heave ho to the visiting women, and then asks Piper if she took care of the screwdriver issue. Piper lies, badly, spitting out: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all good." It's like the record skipped and Piper's voice just kept saying "Yeah" over and over again. Smooth, Piper.
Meanwhile, in the library, Nichols comes upon Alex reading a book on the floor. Nichols seats herself right next to her and the two start discussing near-death experiences. Alex mentions, "I had this roommate. She was a history major. She claims that she died doing a bunch of whip-its, and that an angel of darkness gave her all the answers to her renaissance final and sent her back." I'm going to be honest with you. When Alex mentions whip-its, I immediately envisioned that toy from the 90s that you swung around your ankle to mimic jumping rope. I was highly confused how a girl died from that. Apparently, that toy is called a Skip it, not a whip-it. I'm basically Piper right now - sad and clueless.
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Whip-it or Skip It? I have no idea
Moving on, Nichols asks Alex what her college major was and Alex responds, "Oh, I just was on campus and went to parties. No moolah...no school-ah. Although, sometimes, I sat in on classes. Film classes: free movies."
"Is that how you know Chapman?" inquires Nichols. Smooth segue, Nichols. Very smooth.
Alex, cryptically: "Kind of."
"Look, I've been in here almost three years. I thought I saw all the permutations of runcher theater, but you two are in a whole new play. What the fuck went on with you outside?" continues Nichols, trying to pull more out of Alex.
Alex, in a somewhat sad tone: "I don't know. Things. And stuff." Ah, yes...don't you hate when "things" and "stuff" happen?
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Realizing she has yet to scale Alex's walls successfully, Nichols relents, "Fine. I'll let my imagination keep running wild." Changing the subject smoothly, Alex: "Wait, three years? How much time do you have left?" Nichols: "Two more." "Jesus fuck. What for?" asks Alex in astonishment. "Jesus fuck" - how eloquent. Nichols: "Drugs, basically. What do you have?" |
What was that sound?
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Your dreams crashing down all around you!
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Alex: "Counting good time...subtract the three, add the one...a fuckload. Of shit time. With shitty, smelly, farting, crazy, stupid fucking bitches. Most of whom fucking hate me." So, the outlook is positive.
"Yo, should we plan an escape? Where do you wanna go?" jokes Nichols. Alex: "I don't even know anymore. I used to. I had grand plans. Now, I can't even get past the swirling darkness in my brain long enough to land on anything." Dear God, someone took a sharp turn onto Debbie Downer Avenue. Trying to lighten the mood a bit, Nichols tells her, |
Why would you say that?
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Just kidding, man! Be cool
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"Oh, man. I was just starting to like you, Vause. You gonna go soft on me?" This doesn't work though, and Alex dissolves into tears.
Seeing that Alex needs more than just jokes, Nichols pulls Alex into her and says,"Oh fuck, come here. It'll be okay, sister. There's always hope tomorrow will be taco night."
Seeing that Alex needs more than just jokes, Nichols pulls Alex into her and says,"Oh fuck, come here. It'll be okay, sister. There's always hope tomorrow will be taco night."
What do you think Claudette? Wanna be Mrs. Chapman for a night?
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From around the corner, Taystee clarifies: "Tomorrow's beef and noodles." I appreciate a woman who knows her menus. With that, Nichols cracks a smile and continues to comfort Alex. Aw, Nichols, you're somewhat of a softy too. Asking Piper how she's hanging in there and providing support for Alex: You're the Vauseman therapist. Back in Claudette and Piper's bunk space, Professor Chapman is reviewing her felonious students' paperwork when she asks Claudette whether she's ever written anything like an appeal letter. A trying-to-get-some-sleep Claudette advises Piper, "Maybe you should stay out of other people's affairs." Piper, take the hint. She doesn't and keeps talking, mentioning that there's always hope that the inmates' efforts to get out could work, to which Claudette depressingly responds, "Hope is a dangerous thing." Man, with Piper's earlier admission of her regular morning suicidal thoughts, Alex's "swirling darkness" in her brain talk, and then Claudette's anti-hope statement, I'll be honest, I don't |
want to go to prison. Like at all. Shocking, right? I thought there'd be much more pizza parties.