Flashback time! Standing in Sophia and her wife's bedroom, Sophia is anxiously waiting to reveal her new look to Crystal. When Sophia gives her the okay, Crystal uncovers her eyes to get a glimpse of a newly transitioning Sophia wearing women's apparel seemingly for the first time. Her reaction is not one you would want, but God bless her for her honesty. Her face changes from one of excitement to one of shocked horror. She blurts out, "Oh my God."
Sophia asks apprehensively, "Good or bad?"
"Not good. You look like Hannah Montana. That skirt is..." trails off Crystal. Hate to say it, but Crystal is completely accurate. She really does look like Hannah Montana. Sophia has a top with multi-colored sequins, a short denim skirt, and then brown cowboy boots on. It's as if she went shopping in the dark at Forever 21 and just grabbed items randomly. I mean, I have very little to no
Sophia asks apprehensively, "Good or bad?"
"Not good. You look like Hannah Montana. That skirt is..." trails off Crystal. Hate to say it, but Crystal is completely accurate. She really does look like Hannah Montana. Sophia has a top with multi-colored sequins, a short denim skirt, and then brown cowboy boots on. It's as if she went shopping in the dark at Forever 21 and just grabbed items randomly. I mean, I have very little to no
My wife looks like a teenage hoochie from the Midwest
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style at all, but even I am aware that this outfit "clashes" (to say the very least). At the same time, this is one of Sophia's first times dressing herself as a woman. It's hard to hit a home run out of the park the first time. A for effort!
Sophia explains, "I thought it was so cute. That's what happens when I shop for myself. It's 'cause I never got to be a teenage girl." You should be thankful for that, Sophia. Crystal, matter-of-factly: "And you never will be. You should be dressing like a classy grown-up lady." With a smile on her face, Sophia asks her, "You think I'm classy?" Crystal: "I can't have my husband walking 'round like a two dollar hooker." Fair enough, though I'd say she'd at least be a five dollar hooker, maybe even ten on a good day. Crystal goes into their closet and pulls out a sleek purple dress. She goes |
over to Sophia who starts to undress when both of them are struck by the reality of what they are doing: Crystal is helping the person she knows as her husband become Sophia, the wife that Sophia wants to be. When Crystal comments on the weirdness of the situation for her, Sophia tells her she doesn't have to help her, but Crystal continues dressing her. Sophia turns to look at the reflection in the mirror and says in surprise, "Holy shit, I look hot."
Behind her, Crystal asks quietly, "Please keep it." Oh man. She pleads with Sophia to keep her penis even if she changes everything else, but both of them know that Sophia cannot fulfill that request. The situation is incredibly tough for both of them, as neither can have everything they want without hurting the other. The situation is made even tougher when their son witnesses them together and darts off in discomfort. Sigh. Nothing about this is easy.
Back in the present, Piper is complaining to Larry about him forcing her to endure a visit alone with her mother, as he has already planned to help out Piper's brother Cal with his trailer. Acknowledging her selfishness, Piper point blank asks Larry, "Why can't
Behind her, Crystal asks quietly, "Please keep it." Oh man. She pleads with Sophia to keep her penis even if she changes everything else, but both of them know that Sophia cannot fulfill that request. The situation is incredibly tough for both of them, as neither can have everything they want without hurting the other. The situation is made even tougher when their son witnesses them together and darts off in discomfort. Sigh. Nothing about this is easy.
Back in the present, Piper is complaining to Larry about him forcing her to endure a visit alone with her mother, as he has already planned to help out Piper's brother Cal with his trailer. Acknowledging her selfishness, Piper point blank asks Larry, "Why can't
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you just come and visit me every single waking moment that you're allowed to and make your life all about me?" I appreciate the honesty.
Appearing to take that request seriously, Larry reminds her that he has to have a life too. Oh believe me, Larry, we know all about that life outside of Piper. You know, the one that involves you, Jon Hamm, and a bowl of pretzels. You sicko. Piper notices the familiar sound of the rustling of grocery bags over the phone, and suddenly her withdrawal for non-Red prepared food starts to take over. She directs Larry to start describing his purchases, telling him, "Be specific. Tell me everything. In detail. Just take me away." To be honest, this does not seem that weird to me. Food porn is very real. I remember writing an entire descriptive essay in high school solely about my love of Funyuns, Cherry Coke, and General Tso's chicken. And...I immediately regret disclosing that. Let's just chalk that up to being young and crazy. Or at least young and lame. Moving on, Larry goes along with Piper's new food kink and starts |
Say "purple kale" again and don't stop until I tell you to
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describing his hipster groceries. Piper begins to swoon, telling him, "I can feel them in my mouth." Wow, I feel like I should be paying ninety-nine cents per minute just to listen to this.
Believing this to be the phone foreplay leading up to phone sex, Larry starts getting into it. After describing some "sweet, sweet-ass organic blueberries" to a now moaning Piper, Larry goes for it, uttering, "My cock is hard and I'm rubbing it against your ass." Dude, work on your segues! You don't go straight from blueberries to frottage! There are rules to phone sex and you, sir, have disrespected them!
Shocked just like I am, Piper recoils in disgust at Larry's X-rated remarks, quickly clarifying to a confused Larry that she was not looking for some telephonic sexy times. She points out that all calls are monitored and that, for Pete's sake, a woman is weeping
Believing this to be the phone foreplay leading up to phone sex, Larry starts getting into it. After describing some "sweet, sweet-ass organic blueberries" to a now moaning Piper, Larry goes for it, uttering, "My cock is hard and I'm rubbing it against your ass." Dude, work on your segues! You don't go straight from blueberries to frottage! There are rules to phone sex and you, sir, have disrespected them!
Shocked just like I am, Piper recoils in disgust at Larry's X-rated remarks, quickly clarifying to a confused Larry that she was not looking for some telephonic sexy times. She points out that all calls are monitored and that, for Pete's sake, a woman is weeping
Oh my God, I really am dating a guy named Larry
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next to her. Larry whines in frustration, "Okay, well, I'm just gonna go jerk off then for the 500th time today." Oh, boo hoo Larry. At least when you masturbate, you can do it alone in the comfort of your own home while Mad Men plays. Piper has to do it on an uncomfortable bunk above a woman with cancer and with the threat of Pornstache creeping in to watch. In the battle of "Who has the worst masturbation scenario?" (a very common game, I am sure), Piper wins by a landslide.
Unfortunately, Piper takes the blame for this and apologizes for letting her imprisonment affect him and his penis. She sweetly tells him, "I love you," and he responds, "I love your little boobs." Good God man, what is wrong with you? After the Larry/Piper ship continues to drift into the sea of "No One's Rooting For You," Piper goes down to visiting hours where she is greeted by her mother and, thankfully, Polly. Right away, her mother asks, "What did you do |
to your hair?"
"I had to give it to a transsexual for a weave," answers Piper. Her mother reacts as you would expect, even though I'm pretty sure her mother didn't even understand 50% of that sentence. Polly comes to the rescue, expressing her surprise that the prison guards didn't examine her pregnant belly when she arrived. Piper tells her that strip searches are nothing: "Squat and cough." This, of course, does nothing, but cement the frown upon Piper's mother's face, which I think is what Piper's trying to do in the first place.
Ignoring her mother as best she can, Piper directs her attention to Polly, but Piper's mother pounces on this opportunity to remind her daughter that her biological clock is ticking. Piper rightfully and sarcastically chastises her mother: "That's exactly what I need right now: a reminder of my ebbing fertility." That shuts her up for the moment.
When Piper and Polly finally get a moment alone, Piper wastes no time in telling Polly, "I have a wife." She tells Polly that her prison wife's name is Crazy Eyes and that her eyes are "just full of crazy. It's terrifying." Polly, with a look of concern, whispers, "Did she rape you?"
When Piper answers in the negative, Polly lets out a relieved, "Oh," waving a dismissive hand. Nothing to worry about then.
Piper continues to plead her case, "But she held my hand," as if it's the equivalent of Crazy Eyes smacking her around. Polly instead responds, "Aw! That's kind of sweet." Oh Polly, I love you so.
"I had to give it to a transsexual for a weave," answers Piper. Her mother reacts as you would expect, even though I'm pretty sure her mother didn't even understand 50% of that sentence. Polly comes to the rescue, expressing her surprise that the prison guards didn't examine her pregnant belly when she arrived. Piper tells her that strip searches are nothing: "Squat and cough." This, of course, does nothing, but cement the frown upon Piper's mother's face, which I think is what Piper's trying to do in the first place.
Ignoring her mother as best she can, Piper directs her attention to Polly, but Piper's mother pounces on this opportunity to remind her daughter that her biological clock is ticking. Piper rightfully and sarcastically chastises her mother: "That's exactly what I need right now: a reminder of my ebbing fertility." That shuts her up for the moment.
When Piper and Polly finally get a moment alone, Piper wastes no time in telling Polly, "I have a wife." She tells Polly that her prison wife's name is Crazy Eyes and that her eyes are "just full of crazy. It's terrifying." Polly, with a look of concern, whispers, "Did she rape you?"
When Piper answers in the negative, Polly lets out a relieved, "Oh," waving a dismissive hand. Nothing to worry about then.
Piper continues to plead her case, "But she held my hand," as if it's the equivalent of Crazy Eyes smacking her around. Polly instead responds, "Aw! That's kind of sweet." Oh Polly, I love you so.
The Amazingness that is "Polly Visiting Piper in Prison"
Polly: Aw man...ha ha, you said "squat" in front of your mom
Polly: Piper procreating with Larry...ew...just ew
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Polly: Wait a minute...Piper, your mom isn't Republican is she?
Polly: Yes, but, more importantly, is Crazy Eyes any good in bed?
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Confused by Polly's reaction, Piper reiterates, "I just told you that I have a wife."
"I heard you! That really sucks, but you were supposed to be my wife, Piper, remember?" shoots back Polly. Gah, Polly is flaw-free. She goes on to tell Piper about some of the issues she is facing in her own life, but Piper's attention goes elsewhere. Rude! Listen, Piper, just as you expect Polly to care about all the crazy minutiae happening in your life, you need to care about hers as well. Two-way street, people!
When Piper becomes upset when she finds out Polly fired an assistant from their business without consulting her first, her mother reminds her, "I know it's hard, but the rest of us have to keep living our lives." As cold and unfeeling as Piper's mother is, what she just said is mostly right. Piper is in prison; the rest of her friends and family are not. As much as they may want to have a shared experience, they can't, so they've all got to accept it and do their best to, at least, stay connected.
In the LCF kitchen, Sophia makes a stop to ask Red for a favor. Red rants about the constantly disappearing phallic-shaped vegetables, and when she swiftly cuts a cucumber in half, she asks Sophia, "Too soon?" Sophia wearily replies, "A little."
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Before letting Sophia explain why she is standing in Red's kitchen, Red gets in a transphobic comment towards her. Another bigot in the house - wonderful.
Sophia tells Red she needs her to get some estrogen for her, but Red adamantly refuses to import any drugs into LCF. Instead, she tosses a yam at Sophia. No, really, a yam. Oy. When Sophia persists, Red tells her in no uncertain terms that it's not going to happen. Instead, she points Sophia to Pornstache. Eek, a chill just went down my back. In another flashback, we see Sophia shopping for shoes with her son Michael, who, of course, wants only the most expensive sneakers available. Feeling guilty about how her transition has impacted her son, she relents and when she's preparing to pay for them, Sophia's old co-worker appears. When he realizes who Sophia is, he lets out an "Oh, shit!" |
What yam I supposed to do with this? (ha ha, get it? I'm...sad)
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Sophia tries to make the best of an uncomfortable situation by politely greeting him, but he only responds with another "Shit." She asks him if he ever got the letter she wrote him, and he confirms that he did, but being the close-minded jerk that he is, he abruptly ends the conversation, telling her he needs to go. Apparently, Pat the firefighter cannot handle even being in the same room with someone he does not understand. Good luck with that. Unfortunately, though, this makes the already embarrassed Michael even more upset by his mother's "otherness," causing him to push Sophia away and run out of the store. Even worse, the store employee then tells her, "Sir...Ma'am, you need to pay for those." Ugh, one big pile of awful. As I said earlier, nothing about this is easy.