In the cafeteria, Piper is standing in line, waiting to get lunch, while Watson complains about her bunkmate to Taystee and Poussey. Note that I did not say Watson was talking with Piper. Throughout Watson's conversation, Piper inserts herself and is greeted by these friendly looks:
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You guys are fun-a-roony!
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After embarrassment 9,054 at LCF, Piper goes and finds a seat...by herself. As she begins eating, who should arrive to join her at a table, but Alex. Piper gives her the death glare, but Alex nonchalantly starts conversing: "I had to rub Red's feet for this. Forty-five minutes."
Cutting her off, Piper tells her, "You can't sit there." Alex, do you not remember being rudepants to her earlier and her instructing you to "fuck off"? Apparently, in Alex's world, that was just playful teasing between the two of them.
Cutting her off, Piper tells her, "You can't sit there." Alex, do you not remember being rudepants to her earlier and her instructing you to "fuck off"? Apparently, in Alex's world, that was just playful teasing between the two of them.
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Alex: "How long you gonna do this? We both live here. We have to deal with each other."
"No, we don't. I plan on spending my entire sentence avoiding you," answers Piper. Well, at least, she has a plan. "Get over it. We did some illegal shit and we both got caught," replies Alex. This may be true, but that doesn't mean she wants to be besties with you, ma'am. Looking at Alex directly in the eyes, Piper declares, "You stole my life." Oh Lord. "You stole my good life that I made after you. Stay the fuck away from me." Well, any high ground you had in this argument just evaporated, Piper. She didn't put a gun to your head and make you transport drug money. Yes, she may have sexed you up into doing it, but hey, I don't really see the downside in that. Guh, I am Switzerland in this matter. I choose neither of you. |
Are you seriously telling me you're turned on by a dude named Larry?
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Fortunately, Crazy Eyes comes to the rescue, seating herself right beside Piper and giving Alex the stink eye. In a very gentlewomanly way, she asks Piper, "Is there a problem here?"
Alex, creeped out by Crazy Eyes' deranged look, replies, "No."
Rolling up her sleeves and menacingly staring Alex down, Crazy Eyes asks again, "You bothering my friend here? Dandelion, she bothering you?"
"No, we were just talking," answers an increasingly unnerved Alex.
"Yeah, she is bothering me," says Piper, a glint in her eye, realizing the utility of Crazy Eyes. Oh Piper, this is not a fair game - for Crazy Eyes or Alex.
"Then you need to be on your way 'cause she don't like talking to you...not one bit," directs Crazy Eyes to Alex. If I were Alex, I would say a pleasant, "Okay then, have a wonderful day," and be off as quick as a bunny. One does not mess with crazy if one expects to have good things happen.
Alex, creeped out by Crazy Eyes' deranged look, replies, "No."
Rolling up her sleeves and menacingly staring Alex down, Crazy Eyes asks again, "You bothering my friend here? Dandelion, she bothering you?"
"No, we were just talking," answers an increasingly unnerved Alex.
"Yeah, she is bothering me," says Piper, a glint in her eye, realizing the utility of Crazy Eyes. Oh Piper, this is not a fair game - for Crazy Eyes or Alex.
"Then you need to be on your way 'cause she don't like talking to you...not one bit," directs Crazy Eyes to Alex. If I were Alex, I would say a pleasant, "Okay then, have a wonderful day," and be off as quick as a bunny. One does not mess with crazy if one expects to have good things happen.
Crazy Eyes: Hello, I don't believe we've met
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Great Odin's raven, what the Hell is wrong with you?
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Instead of following Crazy Eyes' directives, Alex remains firmly planted across from Piper. Ignoring Crazy Eyes, Alex looks to Piper: "Are you kidding me?"
Quoting Ludacris, Crazy Eyes answers for Piper: "Move, bitch! This is my wife here, so you need to step..." Hearing the term "wife," Piper tries to stop the train from going down the tracks that she laid: "Well, no, I'm not actually your..." Piper, you've made your bed; now, you're going to have to lie in it...with your wife, Crazy Eyes.
Like a volcano erupting, Crazy Eyes screams while slamming her fists against the table, "I WILL CUT YOU! I WILL CUT YOU, BITCH!" At this, Crazy Eyes grabs her Red-prepared pie and throws it against an unexpecting Alex, while the remaining inmates watch the scene unfold with delight. Crazy Eyes continues to warn Alex, "Don't make me cut you! You know where the fuck you
Quoting Ludacris, Crazy Eyes answers for Piper: "Move, bitch! This is my wife here, so you need to step..." Hearing the term "wife," Piper tries to stop the train from going down the tracks that she laid: "Well, no, I'm not actually your..." Piper, you've made your bed; now, you're going to have to lie in it...with your wife, Crazy Eyes.
Like a volcano erupting, Crazy Eyes screams while slamming her fists against the table, "I WILL CUT YOU! I WILL CUT YOU, BITCH!" At this, Crazy Eyes grabs her Red-prepared pie and throws it against an unexpecting Alex, while the remaining inmates watch the scene unfold with delight. Crazy Eyes continues to warn Alex, "Don't make me cut you! You know where the fuck you
Crazy Eyes: Is anyone else having an absolute ball right now?
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at, bitch? You don't know me!" and hits her own head with her fist repeatedly. It's very Jerry Springer, particularly with the "You don't know me!"
I hope you're happy, Piper. A guard comes to try and put a stop to the outburst before it transforms into an all-out brawl, causing Crazy Eyes' demeanor to go from "Completely Whacked" to "Friendly Neighbor" in about a half a second. That in and of itself is terrifying. Crazy Eyes laughs and tells the guard, "It's all right. We all good." Piper looks like a toddler wondering whether |
the preschool teacher is going to put her in timeout or not.
Once Alex has left the table and the cafeteria has calmed down, Piper tries to pull back on the reins a bit, reminding Crazy Eyes, "I'm not your wife." In the now-classic retort, Crazy Eyes ends the matter then and there with, "I threw my pie for you." And with that, this conversation is over.
After this incident, Sophia is sitting in the doctor's office learning about the path of the Corgi bobblehead that is currently traversing through her digestive system. She, though, has more pressing concerns to speak with the doctor about: "Listen, Doc,
Once Alex has left the table and the cafeteria has calmed down, Piper tries to pull back on the reins a bit, reminding Crazy Eyes, "I'm not your wife." In the now-classic retort, Crazy Eyes ends the matter then and there with, "I threw my pie for you." And with that, this conversation is over.
After this incident, Sophia is sitting in the doctor's office learning about the path of the Corgi bobblehead that is currently traversing through her digestive system. She, though, has more pressing concerns to speak with the doctor about: "Listen, Doc,
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I need my dosage. I've given five years, eighty thousand dollars, and my freedom for this. I'm finally who I'm supposed to be. Do you understand? I can't go back."
Dr. Brooks turns towards Sophia and with a lowered voice tells her, "Look, I'd like to help you. Unfortunately, you have elevated levels of AST and ALT, which could mean liver damage..." Grabbing the file from Dr. Brooks, Sophia contests, "That's bullshit. That could mean anything." Wresting the folder back into her hands, Dr. Brooks continues, "We're gonna take you off your hormones entirely until we can schedule an ultrasound...get a clean read." Sophia: "But that could take months." Dr. Brooks: "I can offer you an antidepressant." Well, would you please give me one, Doctor, because this is grade A bullshit. |
How many bobbleheads need to die before I am given my estrogen?
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Also, this means that the poor little Corgi was de-bobbleheaded for nothing. We live in a cruel, cruel world.