Published on November 10, 2013
With a title like "Tit Punch," how could you not be excited for episode 1.02? This episode continues where 1.01: I Wasn't Ready left off and also features a side-story, which focuses on the background of Red, the Russian kitchen commander-in-chief and the woman who served Piper with a...well, let's just call it a "menses McMuffin." The episode begins with a pre-prison Red trying to impress and fit in with a group of influential Russians who are visiting her and her husband's restaurant/shop. With fear in her eyes, it's apparent that the bravado-filled Red that runs the show in prison did not exist before entering LCF and we start to see why Red may be the way she is currently.
Flashing forward, Red is in the LCF kitchen, barking out orders and deftly managing the cafeteria staff. It's as if she was born to do this. When someone mentions the stunt she pulled with Piper in the episode prior, Red smirks and admits that she was proud
Flashing forward, Red is in the LCF kitchen, barking out orders and deftly managing the cafeteria staff. It's as if she was born to do this. When someone mentions the stunt she pulled with Piper in the episode prior, Red smirks and admits that she was proud
|
of that idea. Cut to: Piper still reeling from the menses McMuffin incident.
Piper is sitting with her head in her hands in Healy's office begging for a transfer to another prison. Healy assumes the reason behind this transfer request is the reason behind all bad things in the world: lesbian sex. He asks Piper, "Did someone try to engage with you...sexually?" He reaches for a piece of paper and a pen, ready to write down all of the details of Piper's salacious sapphic come-on. Seeing the perverse way Healy is intending to use her, Piper creepily turns her frown upside down into a discomforting smile, proclaiming, "It's fine. I just freaked out. I'll be fine." Disappointed that she wasn't willing to hand over some lesbian dirt, Healy dismisses Piper so she can go to prison orientation. As she slides through the door, she turns around to look at her fellow orientation mates, and, of course, there sits Alex next to the only non-broken seat left in the room. Alex subtly tilts her head towards the empty chair in a silent proposition, but Piper stares harshly right back at her and walks towards a chair on the opposite side. When someone tells her that the chair is broken, she proceeds to plop down on it, which results in the chair loudly |
Piper: The menses McMuffin wasn't even organic!
|
creaking and confirming to the room that it indeed is broken. Wow, you really showed them Piper. Alex predictably smirks at the parade of embarrassment Piper just subjected herself to and the score begins with Vause: 1, Piper: 0.
The orientation video is being played on the standard television/VCR combo that strikes excitement in any American kid who went to school during the 1980s and 1990s, and it is glorious. Apparently, the television/VCR was not the only thing from the 1980s/1990s that was used. The dolled up woman on the screen describes LCF as if it is a resort overflowing with opportunity for its inmates. I swear it looks like some of the inmates in the video are Jazzercising. Watson, who has consistently responded in an appropriate manner so far, continues her streak of sensible reactions as she lets out a laugh at the ridiculousness taking
The orientation video is being played on the standard television/VCR combo that strikes excitement in any American kid who went to school during the 1980s and 1990s, and it is glorious. Apparently, the television/VCR was not the only thing from the 1980s/1990s that was used. The dolled up woman on the screen describes LCF as if it is a resort overflowing with opportunity for its inmates. I swear it looks like some of the inmates in the video are Jazzercising. Watson, who has consistently responded in an appropriate manner so far, continues her streak of sensible reactions as she lets out a laugh at the ridiculousness taking
Prison - where you can get shanked and lose weight!
|
place on the screen before her. Meanwhile, when Alex slowly turns her head to glance back at her ex-girlfriend, Piper can't resist meeting her eyes.
After the enlightening overview of the prison's facilities, it's Pornstache's time to educate the ladies. He's expectedly terrible. While erotically stroking a copper pipe, he lists off the possible uses of it including the most vicious of results: "muss up your makeup." It's terrifying. Next up is LCF's resident nurse Dimaguiba, who ends up scaring the living Hell out of everyone in the room (as well as me), when he is supposed to be assuring the inmates about their stay. He is followed by Joe "Plant Traumatizer" Caputo who, while discussing the regulations on clothing, states, "No baggy hip hop pants." While continuing to stare at Watson, the only Black inmate in the room, he explicitly proves his douchebaggery by telling her, "Yes, I'm looking at you." How tribal of him. To finish off this brilliant seminar on |
LCF 101, Pornstache returns to remind the women that a razor blade is sharp and potentially dangerous to all parts of human anatomy, including the penis. At this point, Alex shields her eyes, unable to bear watching any more of this shit show.
Finally, the last member of the LCF brain trust appears - Executive Assistant to the Warden Figueroa or "Fig." Looking like an alpha female in her dapper power suit, she informs the ladies, "If you have any concerns specifically regarding your needs as women, please come to me. I will handle them personally." Upon hearing this, Alex looks at Fig like she's a juicy piece of steak (or tofu if you're vegetarian) while commenting to herself, "Yeah, she will." Innocent Daya attempts to take Fig up on her offer, stating, "I had a question actually." Fig grabs her coffee and responds, "Today, I'm only here as a formality." She sashays out of the room in her high heels and I think it's safe to say that orientation was a smashing success! Well, if "smashing success" is defined as "complete and utter failure."
Back in the cafeteria, Piper gets back in line for food because...she's a glutton for punishment? I mean, I realize you gotta eat, but after the menses McMuffin, I wouldn't assume my next plate of food from that very same kitchen is going to be totes fine just because everyone had a chuckle at my expense. That being said, I'm not Piper, so maybe I am being too suspicious for my own good. This time around, though, Red has nothing prepared for her, as in nothing - no special McMuffins, no anything. Damn, Red don't mess around.
Finally, the last member of the LCF brain trust appears - Executive Assistant to the Warden Figueroa or "Fig." Looking like an alpha female in her dapper power suit, she informs the ladies, "If you have any concerns specifically regarding your needs as women, please come to me. I will handle them personally." Upon hearing this, Alex looks at Fig like she's a juicy piece of steak (or tofu if you're vegetarian) while commenting to herself, "Yeah, she will." Innocent Daya attempts to take Fig up on her offer, stating, "I had a question actually." Fig grabs her coffee and responds, "Today, I'm only here as a formality." She sashays out of the room in her high heels and I think it's safe to say that orientation was a smashing success! Well, if "smashing success" is defined as "complete and utter failure."
Back in the cafeteria, Piper gets back in line for food because...she's a glutton for punishment? I mean, I realize you gotta eat, but after the menses McMuffin, I wouldn't assume my next plate of food from that very same kitchen is going to be totes fine just because everyone had a chuckle at my expense. That being said, I'm not Piper, so maybe I am being too suspicious for my own good. This time around, though, Red has nothing prepared for her, as in nothing - no special McMuffins, no anything. Damn, Red don't mess around.
Crazy Eyes: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
|
Piper: Oh dear God, no...no...no...no...no!
|
After being loudly blocked from leaving the cafeteria, Piper turns around to try and find a seat, and suddenly the scene becomes a prison version of "Mean Girls," with each table belonging to a specific clique. Scanning the room for a friendly face, she sees the scary white girls, the Latinas, and a table with only Black women, including a very, very excited girl who desperately wants Piper to sit next to her. Seeing this person so enthusiastically beg for her company, Piper looks back in total fear until Morello pulls her away, advising, "Come sit with us - not with Crazy Eyes." Hmm, Crazy Eyes is a good name for her! Whoever came up with that - spot on!
When Piper's tablemates inquire as to how she is going to get back in Red's good graces, Piper in a Pollyannaish manner comes to the conclusion, "I'm just going to apologize. I'm just going to very sincerely apologize. People make mistakes. People say stupid things all the time." That's true, Piper. For instance, what you just said was extremely stupid and that mindset is a mistake. I'm sure the reason Red put a used tampon in your breakfast sandwich was because of your lack of sincerity. Morello and Yoga Jones look at her with smiles, but it is obvious that they both are thinking, "This chick has no freaking clue."
Piper gets a chance to test out her theory when Red is having her legs shaved by Norma Romano in the bathroom. What a luxurious life Red leads! For prison, that is. Piper begins, "About what I said yesterday, it was careless and it was rude and I am
When Piper's tablemates inquire as to how she is going to get back in Red's good graces, Piper in a Pollyannaish manner comes to the conclusion, "I'm just going to apologize. I'm just going to very sincerely apologize. People make mistakes. People say stupid things all the time." That's true, Piper. For instance, what you just said was extremely stupid and that mindset is a mistake. I'm sure the reason Red put a used tampon in your breakfast sandwich was because of your lack of sincerity. Morello and Yoga Jones look at her with smiles, but it is obvious that they both are thinking, "This chick has no freaking clue."
Piper gets a chance to test out her theory when Red is having her legs shaved by Norma Romano in the bathroom. What a luxurious life Red leads! For prison, that is. Piper begins, "About what I said yesterday, it was careless and it was rude and I am
|
really sorry. I appreciate everything that you do here. I can't imagine how much work it takes. And since, we are clearly going to be spending some time together..." Red cuts in at this point, speaking only to Norma, letting Piper know that so far, it ain't working. Piper persists, though: "I can tell you take pride in what you do, and I soooo respect that. If someone insulted my work..."
Red: "What is it? Your work?" Oh Piper, lie! Don't tell her the bougie hobby you have with Polly. Say something blue-collar - like a welder! "Oh, um, I make artisanal bath products. We got into Barney's," replies Piper like the fool that she is. You just had to say "artisanal" and "Barney's" didn't you? "Ar-ti-sa-nal," grinds out Red, letting the word roll around in her mouth. Realizing her plan so far has gotten her nowhere, Piper's desperation |
Piper: Would you accept sexual favors? I have references
|
skyrockets and she starts to grovel. Red finally turns her head to look Piper dead in the eye. She says to her, "You seem sweet. You really do, honey. But I can't do shit with 'I'm sorry.' Not in here. Might not look like it, but there's rules in this place - the most important of which is 'The second you are perceived as weak, you already are.'"
At rock bottom, Piper asks in a broken tone, "What do you want me to do?"
Red: "You're a smart girl. Figure something out." And with that, Piper stumbles out of the bathroom, drowning in panic and failure. Basically, she's getting eaten alive, and it's not getting any better. In all fairness to Piper, an angry Captain Janeway/Red would scare the living crap out of almost anyone with half a brain.
At rock bottom, Piper asks in a broken tone, "What do you want me to do?"
Red: "You're a smart girl. Figure something out." And with that, Piper stumbles out of the bathroom, drowning in panic and failure. Basically, she's getting eaten alive, and it's not getting any better. In all fairness to Piper, an angry Captain Janeway/Red would scare the living crap out of almost anyone with half a brain.