Flashing back to happier times for Piper, she and her friend Polly are where all women should be: in the kitchen with aprons. Ha ha ha...oh wait, no, that's terrible. Regardless, they both are apron-ed out and apparently making homemade soap. Is this what upper middle class white women do for fun?
Polly's delightful husband Pete is also present, and when Piper mentions Larry, Pete asks, "You still with that guy? Thought you wouldn't make it two months." Oh Pete, I like you. When Polly admonishes him, Pete says, "What? You said so too." Oh Pete, I
Polly's delightful husband Pete is also present, and when Piper mentions Larry, Pete asks, "You still with that guy? Thought you wouldn't make it two months." Oh Pete, I like you. When Polly admonishes him, Pete says, "What? You said so too." Oh Pete, I
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really like you. Polly announces, "They're moving in together," clearly trying to urge Pete to shut his trap from hereon out. Doing the opposite, Pete asks, "Already? Shit. You are still a lesbian." That's it. Within seconds, Pete is officially my favorite. Well done, sir.
In reaction, Piper gives Pete a sly smile and she receives an adorable peck on her cheek from Pete before he goes off running. Gah, I love him. Once he's gone, Piper looks around at Polly's handywork and the proverbial light bulb appears above her head. She tells Polly, "You could sell these, you know? At farmer's markets...little boutique stores. I could be your partner. This could be something. I mean, this could be a thing, Pol. Market it right, and package it right; this is money." You little entrepreneur, you. Polly adorably adds in a whisper, "I make lotions too." Man, I want to be besties with Pete and Polly. They're both individually and jointly wonderful. These are some straight marrieds I can get behind. Back to the present day nightmare Piper is living in, she is lined up |
Piper: I am as high as a kite
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waiting for commissary, hoping to be able to purchase something. Nichols comes up from behind to inform Piper that the "Spanish ladies" are now referring to her as "the wailing lady." Nichols, that's not helping. Piper responds, "Well, they would have screamed just as loud if someone handed them a used tampon sandwich." Agreed.
Nichols: "Or if they suddenly saw an ex-girlfriend in prison. What's her name? Alex?" At this, Piper's head snaps back around so quickly, it almost comes off. Piper demands, "What did she say to you?"
Nichols: "Not a word. I just know dyke drama when I see it." This is accompanied with another slick wink of the eye. Do they have winking classes in prison? Where is this coming from? Also, true enough. If anyone knows dyke drama, it'd be born-to-play-gay Natasha Lyonne. When Piper finally makes it up to the commissary window, her money still hasn't processed, but Nichols does her a favor and lets her get some non-food items. Aw, that was nice of you, Nichols.
Next we see LCF's best hairdresser Sophia working on Taystee's post-brawl hair. Taystee complains, "I paid you seven bottles of Pantene for this shit." Taking zero of Taystee's shiz, Sophia lays down the truth, "Ain't my fault you went all UFC over a King Cone. And if you call it 'shit' one more time, you can take your ass down to Denita." Game, set, and match to Sophia.
Nichols: "Or if they suddenly saw an ex-girlfriend in prison. What's her name? Alex?" At this, Piper's head snaps back around so quickly, it almost comes off. Piper demands, "What did she say to you?"
Nichols: "Not a word. I just know dyke drama when I see it." This is accompanied with another slick wink of the eye. Do they have winking classes in prison? Where is this coming from? Also, true enough. If anyone knows dyke drama, it'd be born-to-play-gay Natasha Lyonne. When Piper finally makes it up to the commissary window, her money still hasn't processed, but Nichols does her a favor and lets her get some non-food items. Aw, that was nice of you, Nichols.
Next we see LCF's best hairdresser Sophia working on Taystee's post-brawl hair. Taystee complains, "I paid you seven bottles of Pantene for this shit." Taking zero of Taystee's shiz, Sophia lays down the truth, "Ain't my fault you went all UFC over a King Cone. And if you call it 'shit' one more time, you can take your ass down to Denita." Game, set, and match to Sophia.
Excuse me?
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Hey ladiesssss...
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Why is she still here?
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Then, in walks a very smiley Piper who awkwardly opens with, "Hi, I'm Chapman." This is met with looks that make it known that Piper's reputation precedes her. And that ain't a good thing. Piper asks Sophia if she has cocoa butter or shea butter available for trade. Sophia is wearily open to the idea and tells her what the cost of her request is - all items from commissary. Piper happily informs Sophia, "Gladly, I will get them to you the second that my money comes in." This results in a loud cackle of laughter from Taystee and a "Credit declined" from Sophia. The store is now closed.
Piper begs, "Please," which only leads to Sophia commenting, "'Please' is for commissary hos and Oliver Twist." Snort. I think that means "no," Piper. Fortunately for her though, Taystee finds a solution to both her and Piper's problem. What is this solution? Some of her golden yellow hair in exchange for some of her commissary. Taystee's happy; Sophia's paid; and Piper's creepily content as well. All in all, the barter system is alive and well in LCF!
Once she has accumulated some of her supplies, Piper returns to her room, checking out her underwear to see if it'll suffice as a filter. From behind appears Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren. Crazy Eyes asks "Are you the new girl?" Flipping right around, Piper
Piper begs, "Please," which only leads to Sophia commenting, "'Please' is for commissary hos and Oliver Twist." Snort. I think that means "no," Piper. Fortunately for her though, Taystee finds a solution to both her and Piper's problem. What is this solution? Some of her golden yellow hair in exchange for some of her commissary. Taystee's happy; Sophia's paid; and Piper's creepily content as well. All in all, the barter system is alive and well in LCF!
Once she has accumulated some of her supplies, Piper returns to her room, checking out her underwear to see if it'll suffice as a filter. From behind appears Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren. Crazy Eyes asks "Are you the new girl?" Flipping right around, Piper
You wouldn't happen to be interested in some "real talk," would you?
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hesitantly answers, "Yes, I am. Piper." Crazy Eyes continues to stand there looking as if she has sustained a concussion, with her eyes bizarrely unable to focus. Piper goes on to ask, "And you are?"
"Uh, Sue. It's short for Susie, which is short for Suzanne," rambles Crazy Eyes, while making a myriad of nonsensical hand motions. She asks Piper, "You like spicy food?" Piper, with fear in her voice, replies, "Sometimes." Crazy Eyes: "One of my girlfriends, she was Mexican. Real talk." Oh, how nice. I've been waiting for some "real talk." Crazy Eyes: "Uh, she gone now, but she left these." In her hand are three peppers - exactly what Piper has been looking for. Random question - how long has this Mexican girlfriend been gone? Because those peppers appear to be ripe, so it cannot have been that long. Just askin'. When Piper tells her she has nothing to exchange for the peppers, Crazy Eyes sweetly says, "People forget we was all new here once. |
It's good to know you ain't alone," and hands them over to Piper. And with that, Crazy Eyes' "Phase 1" of seduction is complete. Nicely done.
A flashback then takes us back to the middle of detox week for Piper and Larry. Larry appears to be loving the detox and Piper looks like she wants to crawl in a hole and die. I would be like Piper. Well, if I did a detox, which I would never do. Piper not-so-subtly asks, "What if we only did this for five days?" Larry, with accusation in his voice, asks, "You wanna cut it short?"
"Not cut it short. Just...yes," admits Piper with an unsettling grin on her face. Ah, so that's how you smile through defeat.
A flashback then takes us back to the middle of detox week for Piper and Larry. Larry appears to be loving the detox and Piper looks like she wants to crawl in a hole and die. I would be like Piper. Well, if I did a detox, which I would never do. Piper not-so-subtly asks, "What if we only did this for five days?" Larry, with accusation in his voice, asks, "You wanna cut it short?"
"Not cut it short. Just...yes," admits Piper with an unsettling grin on her face. Ah, so that's how you smile through defeat.
The moment right before Piper murders Larry
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Piper "Needs to Get off Detox" Chapman
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When Larry goes to give Piper a kiss on the cheek, a familiar scent wafts into his nostrils. Leaning back in for another sniff, Piper tries to deflect, "You are not a werewolf." Oh Piper, tell me that's not your sad way of trying to get him to halt his investigation. After his second confirmation smell, Larry pulls back and looks at Piper directly in the eyes, stating, "Fucker." Piper confesses to
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cheating on the detox with Mr. Fox's Honey Barbecue Pork Rinds. Wow, when that girl cheats, she doesn't half-ass it; she goes all the way (*cough cough red flag for you Larry *cough cough). Disgusted with her, but eventually turned on by her porcine aroma (as all carnivores are), the two of them share in a weird pork rind breathe-a-thon before lightheartedly getting their affection on. I'll admit it...they're kinda cute, and they seem like they legitimately are in love. Damn you straight white couples! (*shakes indignant gay fist) Somehow tricking me into supporting you...I'm so weak.
Cut to the present, where Piper is not-so-silently sobbing alone on her top bunk bed. Pornstache just so happens to be passing by the room, and being Mr. Wonderful, he takes time to mock Piper: "Awwww, don't be so sad. Poor little bay-bay." Piper glares back at him contemptuously, but her stone cold demeanor loses some "cool" points as a strand of her hair is still sticking to the snot bubbles on her face. I hate when that happens. |
So...things are going great!
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We then see that she's actually chewing on one of the peppers from Crazy Eyes and then regurgitating it into her underwear filter. Um...what? I hope this leads somewhere good because right now, everything just seems horrific. Piper seems to agree as she continues to sob and chew and sob and chew. It's what dreams are made of.