Flashing forward to the present, Piper's reminiscing is interrupted by inmate Murphy who is trying to get her to stop blocking up the cafeteria. Piper looks around aimlessly, seemingly frozen. Murphy finally directs Piper towards Yoga Jones, "Okay, go sit there. She's a nice white lady." Sounds like a good option to me.
Jones (who is the voice of b̶i̶g̶ g̶a̶y̶ Patti Mayonnaise from Doug) nicely allows Piper to sit with her and tries to give her some advice. She is joined by Sister Ingalls and eventually Nichols, who teases both women and then turns to Piper, inquiring, "You like
Jones (who is the voice of b̶i̶g̶ g̶a̶y̶ Patti Mayonnaise from Doug) nicely allows Piper to sit with her and tries to give her some advice. She is joined by Sister Ingalls and eventually Nichols, who teases both women and then turns to Piper, inquiring, "You like
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pussy, Piper? Or you prefer pipe as your name suggests? I'm feeling some sapphic vibes coming off you." Piper reacts to this as if Satan just came up from the ground and offered her heroin. Nichols follows this up with a suggestive hand motion and a sassy comment to Sister Ingalls. Class all the way.
Suddenly, up walks Red (also known as Captain Janeway or Regent Lattimer), who starts handing out yogurt to grateful inmates like she is Russian Santa Claus. Red clearly enjoys the power she wields, and when Nichols introduces Piper to her, Red slides a yogurt to her as a "gift." Unfortunately, Piper's prison book apparently did not include a chapter on "How Not to Enrage the Kitchen Dictator." Piper, smiling for the first time in a while, thanks Red by telling her, "The food here is disgusting." Hearing this, Nichols' face freezes and Sister Ingalls looks at Piper like she just burned a cross in front of her. Oh shit. Noticing these reactions, Piper quickly realizes a colossal |
Piper: My word! This is quite undignified!
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mistake has just been made. With fear in her voice, she asks, "What?" Nichols quietly responds, "Did I mention that Red runs the kitchen?" Well, Piper, on the list of "things not to do on your first day in prison," I think you've just about done them all. On the verge of tears, Piper curses herself and then gives Red an apology. Red slowly strides over before Piper and says with her heavy accent, "You don't like the food? It's no problem." Um...I may not be a genius, but I feel like that means there's a massive problem - the size of Jupiter. Confirming this interpretation, Nichols oh so eloquently summarizes, "Holy shit. That was an epic fuck up." True dat.
The next we see of Piper, she's approaching counselor Caputo, desperate for a phone call. She enters his office, telling him "They told me I should talk to you. I don't have a PAC number." Suspicious of this claim, he asks, "Who's 'they'?" Seeing the possibility of communication with a loved one start to slip away, Piper's already fragile resolve finally fractures and she takes on the look of a toddler who has lost her favorite stuffed animal - scared and broken. Her voice now consisting of a half sob/half plea, she begs, "Mr. Caputo, please let me call my fiancé."
Seeing her at the end of her metaphorical rope, Caputo gives in, "Two minutes. You got two minutes, that's it." Aww, Caputo, you big softie. Piper grabs the phone and dials Larry's cell phone. After eventually wresting the phone from his mother, Larry
The next we see of Piper, she's approaching counselor Caputo, desperate for a phone call. She enters his office, telling him "They told me I should talk to you. I don't have a PAC number." Suspicious of this claim, he asks, "Who's 'they'?" Seeing the possibility of communication with a loved one start to slip away, Piper's already fragile resolve finally fractures and she takes on the look of a toddler who has lost her favorite stuffed animal - scared and broken. Her voice now consisting of a half sob/half plea, she begs, "Mr. Caputo, please let me call my fiancé."
Seeing her at the end of her metaphorical rope, Caputo gives in, "Two minutes. You got two minutes, that's it." Aww, Caputo, you big softie. Piper grabs the phone and dials Larry's cell phone. After eventually wresting the phone from his mother, Larry
There is no God
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frantically asks Piper how she's doing. Her response, "I'm wearing granny panties and I've only spoken to white people." I can't say that description is overly different from my own day-to-day life (not by choice), but clearly, it is supposed to be for Piper. She quickly tries to describe the more bizarre traits of her new life to Larry, but her thoughts are scattered and her emotional stability nonexistent, worrying Larry even more. He struggles to try to find the right words to comfort her and after they exchange "I love you"s, Caputo cuts the phone call, and Piper returns to her room.
As soon as Piper leaves, we see Caputo grab a bottle of lotion and unbuckle his pants. Wait...what? Maybe he has a very serious moisturizing regimen due to a skin condition? The camera pans to focus on a small plant on Caputo's desk and then we are subjected to seeing that innocent little plant's leaves start to waver along to porn-ish music. I've lost all faith in humanity. It's just a little plant for Pete's sake! |
Day 2 in Hell begins for Piper and after her shower, she happens to glance across the bathroom to spot Nichols enthusiastically going down on the engaged-to-be-married-to-not-Nichols Morello. Nichols acts as if she knew Piper was there all along and gives her an amused and knowing glance while in the middle of doing the deed. Oh geez, even I would be bothered by that. Nichols, eyes on the prize!
While waiting in line for breakfast, the gorgeous Sophia Burset takes an unsolicited interest in Piper's hair. Like the good saleswoman she is, Sophia tells Piper to see her for any hairdressing needs, and to never go to Denita unless she wants a burnt scalp. An already dazed Piper fails to respond to this advice and turns to get her tray. When a kitchen worker asks her if she is "Chapman," she confirms this and soon enough, a special tray of food is handed over to her from Red. Piper, who apparently swallowed a whole bottle of stupid pills this morning, graciously thanks the worker and tells her to convey her gratitude to Red. Oh man...this is not going to be good. When Piper sits down and unwraps her breakfast sandwich, a string is hanging out of it, clearly attached to something inside. Piper notices this as well and slowly takes the top of the English muffin off to reveal...a tampon...that has been used. OH MERCIFUL GOD, WHY?! No...no...no...no...no...no...no...no. Also, NO.
While waiting in line for breakfast, the gorgeous Sophia Burset takes an unsolicited interest in Piper's hair. Like the good saleswoman she is, Sophia tells Piper to see her for any hairdressing needs, and to never go to Denita unless she wants a burnt scalp. An already dazed Piper fails to respond to this advice and turns to get her tray. When a kitchen worker asks her if she is "Chapman," she confirms this and soon enough, a special tray of food is handed over to her from Red. Piper, who apparently swallowed a whole bottle of stupid pills this morning, graciously thanks the worker and tells her to convey her gratitude to Red. Oh man...this is not going to be good. When Piper sits down and unwraps her breakfast sandwich, a string is hanging out of it, clearly attached to something inside. Piper notices this as well and slowly takes the top of the English muffin off to reveal...a tampon...that has been used. OH MERCIFUL GOD, WHY?! No...no...no...no...no...no...no...no. Also, NO.
Vause
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man?
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Piper jumps back in her seat at the sight, while the others around her somehow manage to move right along, joking and advising her on next steps. A completely overwhelmed Piper starts to lose it for the 28th time in 24 hours and she runs out of the cafeteria in stunned horror. She bursts out of a door to get some fresh air outside and leans against a steel wall to try and regain her composure. While bent over and breathing heavily, a familiar figure appears in the reflection of the wet ground and when Piper raises her head to greet this person, she comes face to face with who else, but, Alex Vause. "Maybe this is a bad time to say hi, huh?" utters Alex. While I am thinking, "Yes, thank you Jesus! Vauseman lives," Piper reacts with a horror movie-esque scream and the screen fades to orange. And with that, the first episode of Orange is the New Black: I'm Not Ready comes to a close. I can already tell: this is going to be good.
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Go to Orange is the New Black Episode Recaps
Go to Orange is the New Black page Go to Piper Chapman page Go to Piper Chapman Gallery of Emotion Go to Alex Vause page Go to Alex Vause Gallery of Sexy Go to Vauseman page Go to Vauseman Gallery of Passion Go to Laura Prepon page Go to Taylor Schilling page |